I want to thank everyone who supported me on my journey with my husband of 50 years who had vascular dementia and congestive heart failure.

So very sorry to hear this. There is a wonderful page on FB, Road Widows/Road Warriors. It is for all widows, not just those who RV. I belong as I lost my husband 12 years ago.

Donvee, it just takes time. My mom died over a year ago. Her last months were horrible, bad falls, broken bones......

After her death I had the whole menu of emotions, guilt, I should have done this or that, used such and so med.......

Anger at her stubbornness in refusing any help or moving until it was practically too late, all the long drives home dealing with one crisis after another......

But all these months later I’m starting to have the good memories of my mom again, memories of when she was a good mom and capable and kind person.

And I also realize that I did the best for her that I could. I don’t second guess myself anymore.

This is the hard stuff you’re going through. You’ll make it. Most all of us do.

Donvee, heed WindyRidge's advice.    The caregiving, then dying, then caregiver recovery process is a complex, emotional and challenging experience, with wide swings from the frustration of caregiving to the recriminations after death., not to mention the basic fact that you really miss him.  

I think most of us do what we can during the last years and end of life stage, then are subject to the drastic shock of losing someone forever, which starts the self questioning period.

What we may think we should have done as we think back over the last years more than likely wasn't physically possible during our love ones' lives.    It's as if a portion of our mind opens up to reveal actions which we in our guilt and sadness think we could have done.  In actuality we probably couldn't have accomplished those tasks.

So please try to reach back beyond the last years to remember the good times you shared, what you learned from each other, and how your husband enriched your life, as well as all the things you did to enrich his.

And take plenty of time off when you don't feel like dealing with the estate issues.     You'll feel better after some down time, doing something you enjoy but couldn't do while caring for him.

You did what you could at the time. Give yourself a break and don't beat yourself up about what you could have done better. We could all do more, in hindsight. But dealing with the day-to-day of caregiving is challenging and all we can do is our best. It's never perfect and that's OK.

Sorry for your loss.

I am sorry for your loss. The "what ifs and should haves" can drive us crazy. We all have them and the "if only", but the truth is, it is much easier to look back and see where we could have done things differently. The old saying, "hindsight is 20/20" is true. But in the moment--making quick decisions, having a million things on our mind, running around doing what needs to be done...well, we do the best we can with what we have at that time.

Stop beating yourself up. You did what was right. Tell yourself that every time the "what ifs" come into your head. It takes time and give yourself that time. You did exactly what you were suppose to do.


Again, I am sorry!
Hugs!!!

You have endured a great loss. Deepest condolences.

Oh, the guilt - the woulda shoulda couldas! I know this feeling so well.

At some point I realized that feeling guilty was a way for my mind to think that I had more control and power in the situation than I really did. Feeling guilty implied that there was something I could have done to fix the situation; in reality, there was nothing I could do to prevent his death.

With time you will learn to let it go, to acknowledge to yourself everything you did do, and to understand how little you could do to stop the inevitable. That's the hardest, saddest part.

Take it in small doses - try to practice forgiveness toward yourself a little bit every day. Know you did your best in a situation that had no good possible outcome.

Hugs!

So sorry for your loss. God bless you.

Donvee, my deepest condolences for your loss.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I’m very sorry for your loss. Please remember all the things you did for your husband and remember not a single one of us is perfect.

Sorry for your loss 🙏🏼 Condolences 💕....Please do not do this to yourself. Take care of yourself now. Hugs 🤗

Check your local places of worship for a group called Griefshare. It is for close friends and family of loved ones who have passes. You'll find you're not the only one with "survivor guilt". It tales time to adjust to your new reality without your husband. You may feel joy that he no longer has the pain and problems of this world. while you also miss him. That conflict creates the guilt.

Did you make the best of the time and opportunities you had? Yes, some things needed to go by the wayside and not every day went as planned.

Did you love and care for this man to the best of your abilities? Not perfectly, since no one can ever do that.

Are you in a good place to now care for your needs? If not, make the changes you need to heal.

The wonderful thing about about having family, your children and and grand children, is that you can focus your love for your husband, and transfer it to your family.

I will be a sole-ager and will not be as lucky as you when my LO passes.

Reap God’s Blessings.

Dear Donvee,

Like the others on this AgingCare column, I am so sorry for your loss. We all live and die; and it is so much easier to consider life than death. As others have said to you, "Don't beat yourself up." You did everything you could, everything that your husband would let you do.

Now, you have a new challenge that many of us must face. My wife to whom I have been married for 56 years is at the end stage of her life after eight years with Alzheimer's. One never knows how life and dying will happen.

One grief counsellor said to me that, "Everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace. You have to respect that." So don't try to set limits on your grief and decide beforehand how you will grieve. It has been said that "There is no love without pain; but only love can heal that pain which it causes." That's from Father Julio Lancelotti, in the front of Julia Samuel's book, "Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death and Surviving" (Penguin, 2017). You have to heal your own grief from within and with your friends. Perhaps the stories in that book might help.

With my prayers and hopes for your future

I also lost my best friend and companion of 23 years on July 29. He had been in dialysis for about 4 years, had a triple bypass, defibrillator pacemaker, COPD, heart failure. Then during one of his hospital stays or procedures, he got cdiff and an internal fungus infection. He was hospitalized this final time with bacterial pneumonia and blood pressure so low that he could no longer be dialyzed.
I feel BAD, about his passing, but his earlier lifestyle and family health history all contributed to His passing at 69 years old. I still wouldn't trade the good years we had together.

Should have..would have..could have...it's all in the past. Try to let it go and just go on living.

No matter what you do you will feel guilty. Even if you pressed on to do activities you WILL feel guilty for being very assertive when he wanted to be left alone. And by doing nothing you will feel guilty. So there is no winning the guilt game.

We are human and not Jesus walking on water.

I have started to write a response 3 times and NOTHING seems right.
What I want to say is in my head and heart but when I write it down it seems flat. That is the only way I can describe it. (I love baking so to compare it is like leaving salt out of a recipe the basics are there but there is no depth)
No matter what you are feeling...
Guilt--because you could not do more
Guilt--because you are relieved that he is no longer in pain or trapped in a body and mind that was no longer his.
Anger--That he left you
Anger--That you are left with all the paperwork to fill out
Fear--That you could have done more
Fear--What are you going to do with what others call a "normal" life.
I could go on and on but all the feelings that you have are the same feelings that we all have experienced.
No matter what I read, no matter what Hospice told me, no matter what I knew in my brain my heart still felt like it was torn from my chest and stomped on the morning the love of my life died.
All I can say is the raw pain will diminish and become a dull ache. The facilitator of one of my support groups gave me this quote and I still have it on my desk.
Grief never ends
But it changes
It's a passage not a place to stay
Grief is not a sign of weakness
nor a lack of faith
It is the price of love.

It has been 2 years and 99% of the time the days go on as usual but once in a while a song will come on the radio and it will have me crying, I can hear the same song later and it is just a good song. How to explain how it effects me one way one day and the next another I will never know.

All I can offer is enjoy your life, do the things that you want to do. If there is a trip or something special that you both wanted to do and you did not get the chance do it..honor him and think of all the things that he would have loved about what you are doing. I have a friend that will not go on a particular trip because she and her husband had wanted to do it but she will not go because he is not with her. I on the other hand try to do things that I know my Husband would have loved to do. And I think about him when I am doing them. So 2 different ways to deal I think one is healthier than the other...
(((HUGS)))

So sorry for your loss...my mother had the same feeling when my father lay in agony, feeling guilty about sending him to hospice...but he died peacefully, and that is all anyone can ask for.
There are a million things that run through your head, and yes, even the arguments. Rest assured you did all that you could.

My husband died Feb., nine year illnesses. His little maltese, always by his side, passed May from a broken heart. I grieve what is lost also wish we could have some re-do here and there. I cant believe how difficult this process is. I think support groups really have helped. I attended caregiver groups when he was alive and I was falling apart being the lone caretaker. I offer you a hug from here. The only help I find is my friends who have experienced this.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my husband, who had vascular dementia that progressed over a period of about 5 years until he died of a massive stroke. At first I felt guilty that I hadn't been kinder and more supportive, but all our plans for retirement travel had gone out the window, and we constantly argued over why he couldn't drive anymore....he even arranged to take driving lessons and the instructor said "Well, he could drive around the block, not over 25 mph, and no left hand turns." His memory was not as damaged as his "executive function" and his formerly amazing sense of direction. He got lost all the time. He couldn't find anything unless it was right in front of him. He couldn't operate the TV remote. I guess it was minor compared to advanced dementia, but he was still not the person I married. But I felt so guilty when he died that I had not been kinder! Still, we were lucky to have what we did for 33 years (both of us had been divorced), and today 6 years later, I (mostly) remember the good times. The hospice where he died also had a program of weekly meetings for survivors, and that was invaluable. Try to find such a group if you can.

Love and hugs. We understand.

We can only do what we are able! I too feel guilty about not doing enough for my wife! I feel guilty about getting mad at her when she can't move, I know it's not her fault, thinking about putting her in a home but feel so guilty leaving her alone, I know she would NOT do it to me if it were reversed! Try to live your life and if you keep feeling bad see a therapist they can help!

Your loss is so new, and the reactions so normal. You respected his wishes which is all any of us can hope for. You did what you could, you reacted as the human being you are under pressure...none of us can do anymore than that. I've learned much and here and from life and already recognize how much guilt I may feel after I lose my mother...but even knowing that I cannot stem the anger or a hurtful word under my breath. Focus on what you DID do...and how it made a difference.

With this much love and caring over these many years it grieves me to hear that you are not kinder to yourself now. I understand that "guilt is the American way" and that all good and decent people wish they were perfect people, but perfection is not a goal humans ever reach. I am so sorry for your loss. Every good thing in your husband would want nothing but peace for you. Hugs to you.

I don’t think I will ever feel like I have done enough when my wife passes....so I think this is going to be normal....and I am also sure that when her time comes...that knowing it is “normal” to feel that way isn’t going to be enough for me...
It will probably just take time for me.

To paraphrase a quote from Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor (husband in nursing home with Alzheimers) Asked if she regretted any of the decisions she made as a Judge (but applies here, too.) Sure. Hindsight is 20/20. But I can honestly say given the knowledge available to me at the time I made the decision - I made the right decision. (She retired with the disease herself).

When coping with something like Alzheimers or any disease that will eventually take the person - just to be there and try to help and get them through until the inevitable happens - that is quite an accomplishment. To be able to do everything else live requires on top of that is almost super-human. Thank you God for seeing us through.

Guilt is probably one of the most common and most overwhelming emotions we feel when someone dies, especially a spouse and especially if we were the caregiver. At the time of your husband's decline and difficult behavior, I am sure you did what seemed the right thing to do at the time. Most of us do and then only later look back and think we might have done more or done some things differently. Give yourself credit for doing the right thing as your situation evolved. Be patient with yourself and give yourself as much time as you need to cope with your husband's passing.

This is something I have done and continue to do - with thoughts:
1. Create, actually write down 1, 2, 3 a list of what you DID DO that was helpful to your husband and everything you did with loving intentions. Whenever you think of something new, add it to the list.
WHAT THIS DOES: It helps you counter-balance the guilt or feelings of not doing enough. It is a way to re-program your brain to support you, now.
2. When you react or think of something and feel guilty, IMMEDIATELY refer to this list (or shift your thought(s) to the positive. This is an intentional exercise in changing your mind in the moment. The more you can counter-balance the feelings with new thoughts - that support ALL THAT YOU DID -
It is important too -to remember that likely 100% of us who lose a loved one feel regrets, guilt, the 'what I could'a should'a done. This seems to be an 'almost' human reaction to Americans (realizing other cultures deal with death differently). I send you a hug and lots of loving compassion for you. gena

Oh honey, you are now on the most difficult journey of your life. My husband of 51 years passed in March of this year so I too am facing a shattered life. I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. What you are experiencing is, unfortunately, perfectly normal. There is nothing anyone can say, they just need to listen and let you cry. I have learned so much from 2 books I have purchased from Amazon. The first is called "The Special Care Series (4 book set). Very short reads meant for 1st month, 3rd month, 6th month and 11th month after your loss. Wonderful books. The second is " Don't Take My Grief Away From Me" both are by Doug Manning and are inexpensive. I can't recommend them more to you. You will find validation of what you are feeling. I wish you peace on this journey. Janina

Donvee, I have been caregiving for my mother who has Alzheimer’s for the past 2 years and have questioned myself time and time again. The doctors can’t always give you a clear answer as to what medication to give and how often. So we can’t be hard on ourselves when the professionals are pretty much playing a guessing game. There have been times my mother won’t take her meds. That really makes it tough.

One of the best things to do is talk to someone. I am available if you want to chat. I think sharing stories is so helpful!

Hope to talk soon!
Dawn