I want to thank everyone who supported me on my journey with my husband of 50 years who had vascular dementia and congestive heart failure.

You did your best and what you could manage at the time. None of us are perfect angels and we've all fallen short at times. But the intention is what matters. You also followed his wishes. Death to one person is not death to another. So his wishes on how to die...would not necessarily match your's. And that's often why we have a hard time with the end....with second guessing and guilting ourselves.

I am sorry for your loss...maybe grief counseling would help. You are not alone.
Hugs.

STOP WITH THE GUILT - it will only tear at you but in the end will accomplish nothing - you now look back at what you might of/could of done but you should look at what you did to help - hindsight is 20/20 ....remember you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink - your hubby was the one who withdrew into himself as was his choice  - remember the good times & disregard the negative ones

I'm sure you did all you could. No need to punish yourself. The signs were there when he wanted to be left alone. I am in a similar situation. Some days my husband wants to venture out and some days he just wants to be left alone. You did the right thing by just letting him be ! Please do not punish yourself.

I have been caring for my mother for 8 yrs. She was diagnosed with end stage congestive heart failure and put in hospice 4 months ago. I am beyond tired and I welcome hospice, but I still do mostly everything. My mother is demanding and expects instant gratification. My health is bad too and I had to draw up some boundaries with her so I can concentrate on getting stronger. I will look into nursing homes with hospice care soon if her health gets into more skilled nursing care that I can’t provide. I don’t feel guilty. I’ve done my best and I have to let it go at that.

I feel she still has some time left, even though she’s been on hospice for 4 months. If I knew she was really slowing down, I would try to keep her home. But she is still too mentally active in this world and I’m not feeling like she will be leaving anytime soon. I need a break and I have to think of myself without guilt.

Donvee: Oh, I am so very sorry for your loss. That has to be extremely difficult for you! Please do not hang onto guilt. Do not go through process of what ifs, could ofs and should ofs because it will not allow you to grieve. It will only bring you upheaval in your mind and this is the time of quiet reflection and grieving. I am praying for you and wrapping my arms around you.
Love,
Llamalover47

I am sorry for your loss. When Mom was at a point where she was starting the dying process, I, too, felt guilty that I should have done more. I was reassured by the hospice nurse that I couldn’t have done anything to change what was going on. So, I think what you are experiencing is normal. I was not patient all the time and I feel bad about that. Caregiving is hard work.

Donvee, Keep celebrating the good things that came from a lifetime of love. Forgive what you cannot change and remember that no one wakes up in the morning and decides to make the wrong/bad decisions. No matter how much you revisit the past, there is nothing new there to see. It's okay to be upset/mad/angry. It's okay to make up your mind that you will not make the same decisions for your life. Surround yourself with all the love from your family and friends. Blessings to you on your journey.

Sorry for your loss!!I do not think there is anything you can do when they want to be left alone we can not force them to want to interact we can not force them to go to Dr.appt. if its the end of life WHO wants to spend it at the DR .I THINK YOU GAVE YOUR HUSBAND EXCATLY WHAT HE ASKED FOR ,NEEDED ,AND WANTED THAT IS A VERY GOOD THING TO DO!!!!

I am so sorry for your loss. I am going thru the same thing. I lost my Luz in March and have all of those hind sight thoughts.
I think of her a lot. some memories bring on the tears and I apolagise to her frequently.
Recently I have thought of the better times we had together from years ago. Those thoughts make me proud that I married her.
I have started sort of a scrap book of her. It is more than pictures. I have her certificates and accomplishments in it. I even put a picture of her on computer screen saver.
It helps if you have someone to talk to and share those memories with.
It will be difficult to talk and not say "WE' did this or that. So be it. After fifty years you cannot and should not try to remove that person from your conversations.
Cherise the memories and thank God for bringing the two of you together.
God bless you for all that you have done.

My husband and I have been married for 48 yrs. He is on hospice due to Parkinson and lewy body dementia. He is bed ridden and I do all of his care. I know that when he passes I along with his 4 children, 10 grandchildren and so far 8 great grandchildren will celebrate the husband, father and grandfather he was. It is hard for them to see him like he is. I will tell you the same thing I tell myself and told my mother when my father passed....when it is your time to go home to haven nothing can keep you here nor can take you if it is not your time to go. Think of him looking down on you and he is pain free. He will be waiting with open arms for you when it is your time to go. We all get upset with our spouses when they are not doing when we think they should. Think about the good things you did for him and not the times you got upset. Celebrate him and only think of that. I am sure that is what he would want for his wife of 50 yrs. Bless you.

Hello. Im taking care of my 93 yr old mother who suffers from Dementia.
I think the same thing you do.......what more can I do to help her?
It will never be enough because we have no control over it. You did the best you could and be happy with it.
God is in control and he knows who you are.
Love yourself, hug yourself and remember only the good times you spent together.💖💖💖

Condolences 💐 for your tremendous loss. If onlys and sorrys are very painful, and wondering and thinking you could have and should have done differently are extremely painful, lest we forget that we did what we thought was the best in the short window that we had.

Every time we make a decision it's under parameters that we tend to re-write in hindsight. It's the smallest of details that we omit. Were we healthy, perhaps we had a brewing unknown sickness ourselves, when we decided to do or not do something..... It's impossible to truly know, you did what you thought was best at the time decisions were made.💐💐 You will never be the same, and that's okay, "It's Ok that You're Not Ok" 😔It's okay, that we're not okay when loved ones die, even as society insists that we must be okay 🦋 when everything drastically changes. 😔🥺

You should not feel guilty about anything, what you did was honor your husbands wishes! For that you should be proud of yourself.

Sometimes honoring someone else wishes can be hard especially when what they want for themselves is different from what you want for them. Individuals has a right to make their own decisions even if others think that the decisions they are making are poor decisions.

Although, your husband had vascular dementia that does not automatically mean that he was not capable of making decisions for himself. Individuals with early to mid stage dementia can often times express their wishes and when they do family should honor their decision.

I applaud you for allowing your husband to take charge of his own choices. I wish you well.