I guess that sums it up.
I had to give her a COVID test today and some Tylenol to get her fever down. She complained I came too late (6:30pm), but I got her to take the pill and take the test
She is negative, her temperature is down.
She asked me to message her sisters and my sister, that the COVID test was negative, but she thinks she has heat stroke. No mention of me at all and I sent the message for her.
This is nothing new. What path should I take? I am tired of trying so hard and being hurt and ignored.
They revere people who toe the line and look good on the outside even tho they never have helped.
In other words, phony even in their late 80s it's sad IMHO.
I want to disengage, there is no reason to keep trying when they resent my help
Maybe a care package from vineyard vines would do the trick (my sister's favorite store).
Ok this is a rant. I apologize.
Nothing drawn up on paper but a deal of sorts is FELT. Of obligation that past money given equals care service today (& ongoing).
Have a think about that gift. Was it a GIFT? Or a loan?
Do you feel you have 'worked' for them enough to clear the 'loan'? Does it have a stopping point, or is in indeed ongoing..fore.v.e.e.r...
Would it help to have an honest chat? Clear the slate. THANK them for their past gift. Point out your assistance has been a different sort of gift. But going forward, you can gift them ONE afternoon a week to help with shopping, appointments etc. (Whatever works for you). They will benefit from having OTHER people to call on the other days. This will ensure they don't become DEPENDANT on you. Yes, use that word (no-one wants to be dependant!) They can be INdependant by setting up grocery deliveries, catching taxis, hiring a cleaner etc.
Then the HARD work for you begins. Of saying YES on that X afternoon (or whatever works for you) & NO every other day.
Good luck!
PS Your life will be busy busy busy working, taking classes, exercising, anything.. on those non Xdays.
I already said yes to bringing them a few groceries tomorrow, I always say yes and then beat myself up after it.
I am going to turn around and say no. I may sound crazy to them but I need some sanity. I have already been over there twice this week and it is always unpleasant, they don't even offer me a cup of tea (should they?)
It's partly about money, they gave us money in the past and now I can tell they think I owe them payback. They gave my sister about 5x more money and they don't expect anything from her. I didn't ask to be born, I thought that's what parents just do.
They have been this way forever. My mother constantly criticizes me about everything (clothes, hair, work, house) and my father throws temper tantrums.
They are atm cognizant so I am not letting them off the hook.
They are too cheap to hire someone, but won't even give me gas money. They have plenty of money.
They are going to have to hire someone. I am going to have to start to say NO.
Thank you all! I hope I can go through with it.
You can do it. Of course, it’s hard to break patterns but it’s so worth it in the end.
Self care is so very important. You sound like a thoughtful person who cares about your parents for helping you out when you needed to get over a bump in the road.
They chose to help you. You haven’t expected them to continue helping you. They shouldn’t expect you to repay them if their offer was a gift to you. A gift is a gift, not a loan to pay back. You’re off the hook!
I already said yes to bringing them a few groceries tomorrow, I always say yes and then beat myself up after it.
I am going to turn around and say no. I may sound crazy to them but I need some sanity. I have already been over there twice this week and it is always unpleasant, they don't even offer me a cup of tea (should they?)
It's partly about money, they gave us money in the past and now I can tell they think I owe them payback. They gave my sister about 5x more money and they don't expect anything from her. I didn't ask to be born, I thought that's what parents just do.
They have been this way forever. My mother constantly criticizes me about everything (clothes, hair, work, house) and my father throws temper tantrums.
They are atm cognizant so I am not letting them off the hook.
They are too cheap to hire someone, but won't even give me gas money. They have plenty of money.
They are going to have to hire someone. I am going to have to start to say NO.
Thank you all! I hope I can go through with it.
My grandmother was the most loving and caring woman I ever knew. She was a delight to be around. She cherished everyone in our family. Even if she would get angry at someone for this or that, she was always a fair minded and reasonable woman.
My husband’s grandmother was pure evil and absolutely miserable to be around. Of course, she would not cooperate with my MIL to go into a facility, so two private live in caregivers were hired for her. My MIL used her mom’s money to pay the caregivers, a housekeeper and gardener very well.
I was young and naively asked my sweet MIL, who was the exact opposite of her mom, ‘Is your mom so mean because she is getting older?’
My MIL just laughed and said, “When I was a child I would pray to God that my father would divorce my mother so he could be happy and I didn’t have to witness my mother demean my father on a daily basis. My father would not divorce my mother because he was a devout Catholic. My mother has been mean to me, her only child as long as I can remember. Her mean and selfish behavior isn’t due to her aging!”
Some people never were grateful for anything in their lives and they never will be. They feel as if the world owes them everything. Guess what? The world owes them nothing and neither do you. It is very sad that some people don’t show appreciation to others for caring for them.
So, I've gone completely no contact. If they have something to say to me, they can call me.
BOUNDARIES.
Boundaries are important for you as well as the person you are caring for.
Without boundaries you set yourself up for trying to do it all, the care recipient begins to think and expect that you do it all.
You have to realize that "NO" is a complete sentence.
I am sure your parents told you "NO" when you were a child and they were caring for you. Well same here. And once you say NO do not cave in.
Honestly if the person is cognizant I would not put up with any verbal abuse. And never any physical abuse.
If it comes to verbal and or physical abuse with a person that is not cognizant then placing them in a facility that can meet their care needs would be the safest thing to do. No one should care for someone that has physically or verbally abused them currently or in the past. It is just not safe for the caregiver.
My parents don’t thank me for any of my efforts. I have just chalked it up to the fact that they no longer know better. I spend a lot in airfare to come back for my one month stints but it’s lost on them. It would be nice for an acknowledgment but it is what it is.
Besides the one above, I have read your previous posts. They are short and sweet and give no background information. Your first one says your sister is evil and in ur words "I know she is hovering around to see what happens with money". The posts that ur are following seem to be about abuse and being taken advantage of.
So, I would say, that you have been at least verbally abused all your life. That you are the scapegoat in the family and doing all the caring with no thank you. You have a right to feel the way you do. You may have to bring to Moms attention that unlike ur sister, your always there and it would be nice to have a thank you. That, like your sister, you don't have to be there for her. My brothers both thanked me for caring for Mom. It made me feel good to hear it.
If you are getting the impression they really don't want your help, then don't try and give it. If Mom calls and asks for help, if you can give it at the time, then do it. If not a good time for you, then give Mom a time when it is.
If mom is physically and mentally able to text a message....Why did you do it?
If mom is physically and mentally able to do a home COVID test...Why did you do it?
If mom is physically and mentally able to take an aspirin (or any medication)..Why did you do it?
Some responses you can use..
Sorry mom I was just stepping into the shower.
Sorry mom I just left to go shopping
Sorry mom I have a lunch date with "Betty"
Now if mom is physically or mentally unable to do these things she probably should not be living alone.
There are really only 2 choices- walk away, or overlook.
Neither provide a fun, easy, happy solution, because there s none.
I wound up “taking care” while the other “devoted caregiver” moved a thousand miles away. In retrospect, I’m glad it worked out as it did. Although “devoted caregiver” popped up periodically in my email to offer generous doses of harassment/criticism, my LO was safe and well cared for.
That was what I considered my responsibility, and I performed it.
I truly wish there was something better to offer you, and trust me, you have my most caring thoughts, but what you do is up to you.
The criticisms of others need to be the least of your concerns, but only you can reshape your thinking until you feel that way.
It may help you to discuss your situation with an objective listener, and the search for such a person may be helpful too. Give it a try, and treat YOURSELF with extra kindness and care. You deserve that.
Is she home now? Does she have hospice services?
Whenever folks here post "I had to..." I like to ask the question "why?"
My SIL, years ago, prompted me to start thinking this way.
If you are resentful of your mom and her relatives, YOU can't be giving her the best care, so it's time to find another solution.
I'm sorry for this awful situation you're in. Maybe we can find a better way.
Regarding thankless people, most of the seniors here are thankless, demanding, self serving and just plain nasty.
My mother is the same way, she is 98 and lives in AL, appreciates nothing and no one.
I stay away from the negativity, there is no place in my life for this.
This mindset disgusts me.
I am sorry that you have to deal with this toxic behavior.
People who are thankless. I get it :(.
You know I just stopped driving. Peak hour urgghh but all 80s music makes it better...
Stopped & having a read to relax..
your post made me think of George Michael's Everthing She Wants;
"One step further and my back will break
If my best isn't good enough
Than how can it be good enough for two?
I can't work any harder than I do
Somebody tell me, ooh
Why I work so hard for you?
All to give you money*
All to give you money*, ouh"
* just replace money with CARE.
Put some music you like on & pump it up! Shake off all that negativity.
Happy to hear that test results are negative. I’m sorry that your mom isn’t appreciative. It’s makes it so much harder for you.
If they have always been this way, I am sure that you don’t expect them to change at this point in time.
Are your parents living with you? Or do you live with them?
Do you have anyone helping you with their care? Can they be placed in a facility and then you won’t have to do the actual hands on care.
Wishing you peace on this difficult journey.