I'm sure this will be controversial to some, but our family is divided on this topic. Mom is 90. She was a very independent person, active in church, used to teach line dancing at senior centers, loved her sweets, loved doing family gatherings with lots of food, and loved the freedom of jumping in her car and going anywhere she wanted to go. That was 4 or so years ago. Diagnosed with dementia/Alz and can no longer drive. Has diabetes and can no longer have sweets, Cooking and eating are now basic limited and she gets no enjoyment from either. She has talked for more than a few years that she is ready to 'go home'. Her typical day is to go to mass every morning, after which she comes home and sits in her recliner. Gets up for lunch (usually a sandwich), then goes back to the recliner or goes to lay down, repeat at supper, and then to bed. She has several of us who are in and out, providing 24x7 care. One sister insists that we push to keep her "healthy", and closely monitors everything she eats and drinks. Another sister is more inclined to give her whatever she wants, but after years of this same routine, she rarely asks for anything different. Personally, I would prefer to tell her to forget all the rules and do whatever will give her some joy. Want Maple Nut goodies? Here is the bag, go for it! Want to go take a walk on the beach. Let's go! Want to turn on some music and dance? Big band or country! Bottom line, what is the purpose of life if not to live?
A few months ago at the doctor's, my 91 year old mom told the doc that she didn't like using her oxygen (supplemental at night) or her inhaler for COPD because it gave her a sore throat and nose bleeds. She also doesn't like the diuretics because she keeps having accidents. The doctor gave mom her blessing to stop taking all of it. Privately the doctor told me that mom's meds are the very smallest of band aids. At this point, mom has congestive heart failure (20% function), MGUS - a blood disorder that won't kill her but causes severe bone pain all over her body, COPD, and fronto-temporal dementia. Daily mom is in pain, depressed, angry, paranoid, and confused. As the doctor put it, this is only going to get worse and her quality of life is already poor. If the meds she's taking have side effects that make her feel bad and aren't really preventing further deterioration, what's the point? I hugged that doctor that day. It was sanest, most humane attitude I've seen in any health professional yet. At a certain point, it's time to let go, enjoy whatever time you have left and accept that to everything there is a season. Peace.
I sort of started my own palliative care plan. Mom has a fall, yes, we need xrays. But I quit the never ending doc visits. A podiatrist came through once a month, they got routine checkups by an RN or NP.
Docs need to learn what your car mechanic does. At some point it doesn’t make sense to put a new tranny in a car with 200 K miles and lots of rust.
I also was afraid they’d outlive me. After a series of horrible falls mom died about 1 1/2 years ago. Dads still hanging on in memory care. He’s 89 and doesn’t limp as much as me when we take a walk.
Sometimes I just don't understand doctors... my grandma is on deathwatch now, no food nor water for 4 days so far, and heavy morphine. However she still has terrible anxiety but the Dr ordered her anti-anxiety meds removed as "they interact badly with the morphine."
WTF. She has days left, for real, and they are leaving her whispering "help help help help" on repeat while she dies over days, because 2 meds don't interact well?
That's taking caution too bloody far!! What risk are they reasonably hoping to mitigate?
Prayers that she will pass soon.
I would say the same thing to your mom at her age. Let her be happy in her final years. And I would say the ones who don’t agree with that, need to think about how they will care for her 24/7/365 keeping her alive for years to come. Sounds selfish to me.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother to death, and if she were 60 or 70 I would be watching her like a hawk. But I really believe with all the medical marvels and drugs , people are living way past their expected lifetime, to what , lay in bed and be more or less a vegetable because their bodies have failed them? Just my opinion. Good luck!!
Your words, Not mine: I AGREE. She is 90... let her live life ... Let nature take its course.
Have fun play music.. laugh, cry, smile. enjoy the time with her... You have family - backup.... I did not the last year.....
If medicine will give you extra years of quality life...then by all means extend it! But if it is going to suck out the joy of living...then what's the point? Oh, yeah...more meds needed, more money for pharma!
Here's where I struggle...I've read so many posts, and all those here on this question...and I see a common age number...older than 80! But my mom is in a NH...and she is only 66! She has a neurological disorder and she has diabetes...does she care? By what she eats, you would think not! Her doctor once told us to "let her eat what she wants!"...my jaw dropped...I tried in moderation while she was living with me, cause she is still in diabetes medications. But now that she is in a NH she eats as she pleases...and now her glucose levels are the highest they've been since she moved to my home and then to the NH. And here's the kicker...she says that "she doesn't know why!?"
If your LO wishes to eat whatever they want...they better be ok with whichever consequence that brings...if they don't want us nagging, then don't complain when things get hard to control. Part of me wants her to have better eating habits...but that is a lost battle if I ever saw one! I'm at the point of if they don't care about their own health...then why should I loose sleep over it?
So bottom line would be...what does your loved one wants? And are they willing to live with the consequences?
But it depends on the situation. In your case with your mom..Quality over Quantity. I doubt that restricting her sweets and being real serious about what she eats is going to prolong her life by years.
Me on the other hand...I would love to do noting but have my sweets but I am a "healthy" person and have a "discussion" with myself in the morning when I step off the scale. So I do kinda sorta watch what I eat. I could use your sister telling me what to eat and what not to eat!
Back to your mom.
I would say let her have her sweets, go for that walk (1 walk on the beach negates the effects of 2 of her Maple Walnut sweets {I always wondered who ate those!})
I might draw the line if she wanted to go Zip lining or sky diving though.
Let her live her life to the best she can for as long as she can.
No one wants to loose a parent but it will happen, that is the way it is supposed to happen. No amount of Brussels Sprouts, Kale, Multi vitamins, ice cream or Maple Walnut candy will change that.
“ Being Mortal”. It was presented by a local Hospital. It was open to the public and it was followed by a discussion among the many viewers.
It had a great impact on me as I saw how people faced the end of life here in the United States.
Some were at peace, telling
their loved ones that this is the natural course of earthly life and they should not be sad, but hold on to the good memories...
Others were angry, scared, isolated...Everyone has the freedom to choose based on their beliefs...
During the open discussion with the viewers of the movie “Being Mortal”, was when a Physician, sitting among us viewers. He introduced himself and said: “ When I see that my Patients in the Hospital desire to smoke, or ask for a glass of wine,
I write orders to the Cafeteria Staff, to bring cigarettes, sweets, wine or whatever the Patients want!
Why deprive them of the very few pleasures left at that stage of life?
He ate those up. Did his cholesterol rise? Most certainly, but shoot he died of cancer. I regret nothing!
And now I tear up when I'm around enchiladas.
Instead, allow yourself a treat now and then and don't feel guilty about it instead.
My mother has always loved sweets, ice cream and fresh fruits so she gets them everyday. Last night's supper was one of her favorites - cheeseburger with all the fixings, well browned french fries, and a strawberry milkshake. Mom's general health is excellent and she has no dietary restrictions. We usually eat healthy but once or twice a week we have a meal that just tastes good!
Your mom should be allowed to live her life on her terms. She should have some enjoyment in the things she can do, I think that she has lost enough without losing everything.
So basically what I'm saying is for sure, let her enjoy things but in moderation. She doesn't have to stick to a strict regiment but she shouldn't just throw caution to the wind and have a free for all kind of life either.
I've always felt that how you take care of yourself when you are young. In this case young being in your forties, fifties, sixties will dictate how you spend your seventies, eighties and nineties. But like I said earlier, if your mom were to live another ten years then how she lives now will be a predictor of how her last ten years will be.
So, let her eat cake and cookies once in a while. Let her dance on the coffee table if she wants. Probably not a good idea but you know what I mean.
She is physically declining and my mindset is (to be blunt) screw heath issues at this point. My sisters argument is that if we ignore the diabetes and other issues, it will likely create multiple stints in the hospital. She has been in twice for UTI infections and once when her blood sugar got out of control.
I am now on a rotation with two other sibling and we have CNAs come in to fill the gaps when none of the 3 of us can be there. So yes, she is still alive, but she is not living!
No need for the diet requirements, it didn't speed up his death one bit.