Hello. My 84 year old father lives with my mother, who is 70 years old. He is in the moderate stage of dementia. My mother has her own health issues and she is his caregiver. My sister and I help her as much as possible. I live about 115 miles away so sometimes I come and stay for the weekend to help out. My sister lives closer and she comes over to sit with dad when mom has appointments and so she can get out. However, both of us have our own families with minor children and cannot move in with them. Dad doesn't sleep well, and constantly wanders outside. Right now, he is restricted with how far he can get due to the snow. When spring comes, he will need to have someone constantly monitor him to make sure he doesn't wander off into the woods or down the road as they live on a farm. It's getting to be too much for mom to deal with, so she has made the decision to have him go to memory care assisted living before the spring snow melt. I was just wondering if anyone has any tips for when we bring him there and move him in. He will not be able to understand so we don't plan to tell him ahead of time. He would be mad about it and then probably forget about it nearly right away anyway. He was not a very empathetic person before dementia and it's worse now, of course. Tips? Just bring him in and leave? What to say? Is it worth it even explaining? I don't want to be cruel. I know it will be hard. I would be interested in hearing how others experience in this situation.
For my Dad, what I did was try to set up his bedroom similar to what he had at home, arrange the furniture and lamps the same way, etc. If the bedspread that your Dad used at home fits, let Dad use it on his bed. My Dad used night lights at home, so I made sure to bring some with me for his new living quarters. That way if he awakes at night, he won't feel like he's in a strange place if he sees items from home.
If the room permits, bring along things that you know your Dad enjoys. For my own Dad it was all his books. Thank goodness his bookcases fit into his room, as those books were like a cocoon for him.
Adjustment will take time. New place will have new noises, such as the furnace may sound different. The meals will be different, hopefully he will like them. My Dad couldn't wait for breakfast, lunch, and dinner he enjoyed the meals so much as it was restaurant menu style. Facilities try to seat people who have similar interest. Dad sat at a table with a couple who were from Dad's home State and city that Dad knew, talk about small world.
Ask the facility when you should start visiting. Some suggest to wait two weeks. In the mean time, you can call him. Hopefully the facility has landline service in the room. Your Mom could later visit with your Dad as much as she wants, even have lunch or dinner with him [there is an added dinner fee].
One thing I did right, per suggestions on this forum, was take familiar items. I literally took her living room intact and moved it to the AL. Mom’s home was small by today’s standards, so it all fit. Mom had a wonderful eye for decorating, and loves her “treasures”. I took pictures of how things were arranged and copied those arrangements exactly. The staff there, and the moving company too, thought I was nuts moving all this. However, mom doesn’t walk well and has spent much of the last many years on the couch looking at her living room. She was immediately comfortable looking at the very same view.
My mom doesn’t really read anymore either, but used too read a lot—so I did bring her favorite books. But also brought years of old magazines she saved. I understand she leafs through them often, so I kept them in the bookcase.
I did not tend to “little things” that I wish I had. Mom has orange juice and cocoa every morning for breakfast. AL had these, of course, but they were different brands, and unfamiliar. She was upset by this change in routine. I ran out and got “her” brands for day two. I got different soap, and different toothpaste, and should not have. The tastes and smells were important in ways I didn’t anticipate.
I was was going to buy wonderful new clothes for the occasion, as hers are all very old, but I didn’t have time. I am glad I didn’t; mom is choosing her favorite outfits to meet the new friends. She feels confident in the familiar outfits. I did get rid of things with holes. I also didn’t have time to find new nightgowns—again, it is good I didn’t. The familiar feel of her very old but comfy nightgowns was a good thing. Mom’s towels are old and frayed, but I washed and used them anyway, with a new back-up set in the closet for later.
We are only on day four, but so far so good—especially since just a few months ago she was flat-out, completely refusing to consider the possibility of a move, and leaving her things behind. Visciously so. Screaming and shouting matches! Several calls to 911 and my sister threatening to leave turned the tide, and we jumped on the window.
It was very telling to me and my siblings that she said, as she sat on her sofa in the finished apartment the first day, that it was “like a years-long nightmare had finally come to an end.” I am understanding that there was SO much fear there for years now.
Very glad we made the move. But wish I’d brought orange juice and cocoa! 😊