The silent generation; Why don't our elderly parents and loved ones speak up when they require care?

Some don't want to complain. Some feel they would be viewed as a whiner. Some don't want to be taken to a doctor, ultimately they don't want to know if something major is wrong. Some don't want to feel forced to leave their home. And as one ages, some are no longer able to tell you what they are feeling, what hurts, just as a baby cannot tell you. There are many reasons, depending on the person.

I suspect that because the changes are very gradual in many cases, there doesn't appear a specific time at which the "aha--we need help" moment arrives. People may think "I handled the situation yesterday, I'm doing it again today, so I'll probably be able to do it again tomorrow" so barring a serious fall or other health emergency, life goes on and people get used to the gradual change. The same people gradually do without certain things, such as eating well, cleaning themselves and their home, and taking care of financial matters until it is left to someone else to point out that their lifestyle has become inadequate and/or unsafe.

Thank you all! I'm in catch-up mode (but I promise to read and answer each one of everyone's posts) because I've had to attend to some health issues.

Here are some of the reasons I think the silent ones, keep silent.
They were brought up to keep their problems to themselves, "airing their dirty laundry for all the world to see" is considered, by them, to be unacceptable. They prefer to handle those problems themselves.
They are reluctant to be a burden to others.
They grew up in a time when nursing homes were nightmare institutions to be avoided and they fear being sent to one worse than they fear death.
The are embarrassed to admit they need help (pride).
They fear losing everything they have worked a lifetime to have. They want to leave these things to their children rather than watch them slip away to the "greedy" hands of doctors, carers and government facilities.
They don't want their loved ones to worry about them.
They have lived free and wish to die free.
They are in denial about the true state of their own health and financial affairs.
They are a generation of doers and self makers who see their own weakness as something to be despised even though at the same time they are sympathetic to the weakness of others.

The Silent Generation and the Baby Boomers what a combination to be the first group to figure out the the sorrows and joys of an extended life. Boomers, get used to the fact that your elders will need help. Silent Generation: this is the time you will find out if your children were raised to be proactive or unwilling.

I think that sometimes people don’t realize that they need help and obviously wouldn’t ask for something they don’t think they need. Especially if dementia is involved, it tends to skew one’s perspective. Sadly, it can come to a sudden realization that assistance was needed when a loved one gets hurt or ends up harming another taking everyone by surprise and throwing a family into turmoil trying to figure out how to best help.

My wife and I are part of the Silent Generation. I was a long-distance caretaker for my mother. We both have LTC policies and have been married 52 years. We were brought up to believe that you stood on your own two feet, without asking for help from anyone. We helped each other. It is very difficult, after a lifetime of taking care of ourselves, to ask for help and we don't. Our children have their own lives and families. They don't need our problems. They do keep track of us and constantly offer help. Unfortunately, there are now things we cannot physically do, and we reluctantly have to enlist the aid of one of our sons-in-law. Our kids get upset when they find out we did something they don't think we should have done. As long as we are able, we will continue to do what we can. Hope this gives a little insight into the Silent Generation.

Maybe it is because most people will not listen to us. Have you noticed the cruel, negative comments written to this site? When I see a kind, positive comment I whisper a prayer of thanks.

So, would you like to admit you need help? Most of us regardless of the generation the media has assigned us prefer to be independent and autonomous and not "bother" others whether it be family or friends. No one wants to be seen as needy. We don't want to admit to failing health, diminishing hearing, vision or physical abilities; or to our fears of falling, slipping on ice. We don't want to be a burden to our children or family/friends. Sometimes people think they are managing just find...and the need is in the eye of the beholder. I think resistance is the norm...and if you are asking because someone in your family needs help, tread slowly and gently; ease into offering the help whether with cleaning, transportation, shopping...maybe a local office on aging can provide independent services so your loved one can still hang on to their dignity and independence. Sometimes it may take a crisis for someone to wake up and smell the coffee...

My mother was extremely needy especially after my stepfather died in 2011. My father became estranged from me when he married my stepmother in 1978. My mother died in 2014 at age 82 and my father age 92 is now in a nursing home with dementia. Both were from the depression era, yet exact opposites in their relationship with me. Both grew up in totally opposite family dynamics. My father's was a close nit italian family that immigrated from Italy whereas my mother's parents were divorced when she was very young. Boils down to independent upbringing (father) vs needy upbringing (mother). Family dynamics tends to set the precedence for future individual situations.

Why do you think that older people are so much different than younger people? Do you speak up when you require help? Do you think that magically changes once you turn 65? If people stopped expecting older people to suddenly become rational and logical when they never were before, this newsletter probably would not exist.

I hope I die before I need help from anyone. No one gives a damn about you anyway. Only what they can get from you.
I am 64 and hopelessly depressed. When I was my children's age,(41 &37) I never thought about my parent's "property or their stuff". My fondness for the movie Soilent Green motivates my feelings.
No one will remember you ever existed in a very short time.

Because they are scared of losing their pride, independent, and gaining the control by other people. I remember my late dad told me that after his big fall.

There are three that I can come up with (everyone is different):
1. We tend to live longer with medical advances these days, and the lines are blurred when it comes to how much a person can take.
2. The US society tends to push people to become more individualist and shuns those who need assistance. Thus we shame those who are looking for help.
3. Many societies revere their elderly. The US is not one of them.

Thus elderly people tend to lose more of what they hold dear when they ask for help: respect, position in the family, and their freedom. Pain is relative to this, and joy is elusive when these are missing from one's life.

Giving an elder (or sick person) something to live for would be more attractive if honor and respect come with it.

That said, my father had dementia. He lived eight years with congestive heart failure because his family held him in esteem. We know without him saying so, the he still had his dignity, and was hurt when he was not involved in decisions about his life, or the health of the family. We miss home so.

Children do not always have the best interest in their parents care. It is all for them I am a senior and caring for my husband who has Al and MDS. He could no longer care for the yard with mowing and snow etc. our oldest son was supposedly having a bad time financially so he asked if he could remodel our barn into a house for he and his wife and he would pay x dollars rent and he would take care of yard and trash and snow removal. It then comes back to me that all the work he was doing he should not have to pay rent. So I quit charging him and his brother started doing the yard etc. I also had to hire a man to plow. Son also telling us we create to much trash. In the winter he did nothing to help us. I had to call and ask him to shovel the snow so I could get out the door. He then wanted us to carry a loan for 20 years and he would buy the place. We probably would not live that long in the first place and we have 3 other children of whom after we die were to receive a portion of this place after it was sold. He also told his brother he did not know why he was thinking of buying it as he was going to inherit it after we are gone. Where do they come up with these ideas. Now he claims he has $20000 in The barn and still has no running water or a place to shower or do laundry and it is our fault. He got so mad that we would not carry the loan that he no longer speaks to us. Living on same property and they would drive in with noses in the air and has not spoke to us for 2 + years. Has not been paying rent, only a minut amount on electricity. We moved off property to Az from Wa. because I could not stand being snubbed by him and wife. His father is dying from the MDS and he does not even care. Also wants reimbursed for what he has in the barn or he will tear it all out when he leaves. He has had a pretty selfish attitude. I could have used some help getting his dad to Doctors appts. in the winter as we were 80 miles from them but he was too busy. Our youngest son now rents our house and has been doing all maintenance and up keep and paying rent.
Was a big mistake to let oldest come on property and should have known it was only to benefit him not help us.
Always telling us you should not take this med or that one, and we should do this or that, you should eat this way or that. Even got his sister to start telling us we should be able to save X dollars after hubby was awarded disability comp. from VA. Why so they could have it after we are gone?
I do not blame parents for not wanting to ask for help from their kids. Some might be great and others not.

Perhaps they are in denial - have never wanted to be "old" or had never given thought about being "old" -- or are used to the idea of elders simply dying quickly from something sudden, like a heart attack, or a long-term illness like cancer, which is what was normal a generation ago. Or, they also don't want to be a burden, and also don't trust others when they are so used to being independent. WIth the advanced medicine we have today, people are living longer. I think Alzheimer's/dementia is the new epidemic and once you have to deal with a parent who has it, it truly makes you think about having to prepare BEFORE you get to that stage. My mother-in-law had parents who passed away from heart attack and cancer, she is the longest living relative; her closest relatives have all passed suddenly. She lived on a mostly healthy diet and weight, with exercise but still drank a martini every night (now substituted by ice cream) and now experiences what is mostly likely alcohol-induced dementia/ Alzheimer's. She was afraid of going into a senior residence at first, but had friends who were already living in one, which made the idea more appealing to her. (Meals, housekeeping, activities, sense of community etc.) She first stayed in independent living without a home care aide, and refused to stop driving, but she now needs assistance everyday with dressing, remembering to take her pills, and has stopped driving, has regular meals and isn't so lonely as she would be if she were at home with an aide. She finally gave up her pets when she kept on thinking the dog harness would "break" (it took THREE new harnesses for everyone involved to realize it was not the harness or the lease, but HER, and she woudn't admit it was her) while she was walking him. She gave up the cat when the cat finally bit her in her sleep (apparently she was had been forgetting to feed the cat.) She is still afraid to go into assisted living, where aides are more available round the clock. But at least we are all breathing a sigh of relief and she does have her strange moments. My sister is lucky that her in-laws had lived with a parent who had dementia before passing away and they saw the debilitating, complex relationships issues they had to face (as well the parent's own inherent dangers to her own safety) and so had planned to move into a continuing care retirement community before their own health and safety needs were overwhelming. They are lucky though. Most Americans do not have the luxury of such long-term planning. Long-term insurance is one economic resource. I cannot imagine how the babyboomer generation will be able to address this epidemic. More public awareness is needed.

I am of that generation and have 2 LTC policies. I do not expect my 2 children to give up their lives and families to care for me. I have moved back to the city where they live (5 years ago when my husband died) into an apartment in a senior community and like it very much. When the time comes I feel prepared for assisted living or nursing home. Most likely I will need memory care and at least the kids know that in my right mind I am OK with that and am financially prepared.

You will understand - when you get old. You are seeing this from your point of view, not theirs. This isn't limited to any particular generation, btw.

I took care of both of my parents, who were born in the 1920’s. Since they are no longer here, I have been reflecting on the differences of their difficulties and on ours. Of course, there are so many differences in generation, but they sincerely worked hard and did not whine and complain. With the exception of a few times, I don’t ever remember my mom saying she was too tired to cook dinner for our family. She worked 8+ hours a day! When I come home from work, it’s a different story! My parents worked hard raising me and my sister- so we would have better opportunities than they did when they were growing up. They did not sit around and talk about their financial woes, they worked through them. They were taught to keep things private because there were a lot of things you just didn’t talk about. In this age, we are groomed to “talk about it”... we talk about everything and I’ve even seen things on tv advertisements that I’d personally not talk about!! To some extent, I wish my generation would be more like theirs. I also think when we get to that point, we will not voice our needs either. After experiencing all the difficulties with them in the caregiving journey, I have a greater understanding and admiration about their plight. They are truly the greatest generation, of which we could stand to learn a few things.

I think "Lauren Bond" really "hit it on the head" with the many points she made.

The bottom line is that NONE of us want to plan for our own demise and eventual death. We are in constant denial about this process as evidenced by the boom in fitness clubs, diet plans, and Botox - all marketed to stave off the evidence of aging.

When we ask for help, we acknowledge and admit our vulnerability. Most people still view themselves as when they were in their "peak" - be it as the high-school athlete or 30-something career person. This is the image they will always hold of themselves - even though a look in the mirror reveals that they are no longer "that" person.

Speaking of our self-reflections - I once worked with a middle-aged woman whose hair was about 80% gray. One day, she came in with medium brown hair (died). She told me that she never knew that her hair was so gray, even though she looked at her face in the mirror daily. She said that she always thought of herself as "a person with brown hair." It was not until somebody took a family photo at an event and she saw herself in the photo with very gray hair - which horrified her - and was her inspiration to die it back to brown!

So, I often think that when our elderly look in the mirror, that many actually see a "younger" version of themselves in that reflection, as if the mind is playing tricks on them as a self-protective mechanism.

Honestly, as others have said, there is a fear of loss of independence. But I also think there is a fear of abandonment. My own mother of 66 yrs, is disabled and I have been struggling with her increasing care needs. She can handle her activities of daily living well enough. The problem with her is that she falls asleep constantly, forgets the day and either misses doses or overdoses because she thinks it’s the next day. She gets confused and hallucinates. She has too many problems to get into. 18 medications, 10 doctors, and a seemingly endless run of Physical therapy, tests, and surgeries. I think the biggest concern for her is that if she has to go to a facility I will stop visiting, and she will be alone. As long as she is living independently, she has me visiting every weekend, or more often, and daily calls to check on her. I manage her meds and check in regularly with her doctors. She has a lot of my time dedicated to her and her needs. Unfortunately, she has managed to drive everyone in her life away. I am all there is.

If I were to be honest, she is not completely wrong. At 44, I would love to be able to have even just some of my life back. I’m working 50+ hours a week and much of my free time is with her. Most people deal with these issues of caregiving for their parents in their 50s and 60s. I was 38 when her “care needs” started requiring my active participation and management. Every year her needs increase as does her list of medical problems. Although I wouldn’t stop visiting, I would scale it back and actually take a well deserved vacation.

An interesting question, with implications for those of us entering that stage ourselves. It seems to me that people with no children are more likely to try to prepare for their potential future disability. Since I have no children, I make plans for myself. It seems selfish to me to rely on your children for all your care.
Many times, I've had peers say, "Oh, my daughter says she'll take care of me." Or "I'll just move in with my son." Or other variations of "My kids will just have to take care of me."
My mind is saying, "Your daughter who spends 80 hours a week running a business with your help now?" Or "Your son whose wife you hate and who hates you?"
It's like a denial that bad things can happen. Well....bad things happen all the time, and not always to "other people."
I am truly an optimist at heart, with faith that God will support me through anything; but I believe I have a responsible part to play in my own destiny, and that includes not dumping my care on anyone who is handy.
That said, I am still thinking, "Does my lack of care that the floor hasn't been swept all summer mean it's time to move to senoir housing? But, I've never been an obsessive housekeeper...." and, on the rare occasions when I'm out after dark, "It's harder to see that turn-off than it used to be, and I was thinking about something else ...That's why I missed it." And, "I've left food out of the refrigerator overnight before, too; is it TIME....or not?"
I'd be happy to have loved ones point it out if/when they see problems in me, but 1) would they even notice or be willing to say anything? And 2) would I trust their assessment if they did?!?
We need a checklist!

I've thought about this a lot over the last few years. Assuming no serious dementia, I think it can be a combination of things that others have mentioned.

First, I think it's our nature to rely on the past as a predictor of the future - I always used to be able to ride a bike, I certainly can now. I've driven a car for 50 years! I'm not stopping now!

Second, I think most of us feel younger inside than our age. Inside, I still feel pretty much like I did when I was in my 30s. But now I'm in my 50s. For example, when I mentioned moving to senior living to my aunt and uncle, who are in their early 80s. They laughed and said, oh, for when we get old, ha ha? (Um...isn't being in one's 80s at least close to being old? Are you expecting to wake up one day and realize you are "old?")

Third, my unscientific observation is that the brain does change somehow as we age. We will find out when we get there ourselves. Much like how things that baffled us when we are children, "suddenly" make sense once we're grown up, maybe our brains process information differently. Maybe this is what society interprets as "wisdom" that comes with age? I don't know exactly - but this effort that adult children take to "convince" their parents of something is rarely effective. I wish there were magic words we could use.

Additionally, some older adults seem to get overwhelmed when they realize their living situation must change, but they don't know how or where to start. The overwhelm could be part of the change in the brain. As younger adults they might have researched what to do, asked questions, formed a plan, and moved forward, but sometimes, for some people, that process doesn't happen when they are older. They let things stay as they are, and put a decision off for later because they don't know what to do.

Similarly, maybe our perceptions of risk change with an aging brain... "oh, I won't fall!"

Fourth, family dynamics. We all know how the older look at the younger and say, "my, you're getting so big!" or "I remember when you were in diapers!" That seems to negate all the learning and growth since you were a toddler. Similarly, there can be suspicion for ulterior motives regarding inheritance.

Fifth, we Americans love our independence. Others have made this point.

Sixth, and of course, fear of death. By bringing in help, we are admitting publicly that we are mortal. If family is helping, we can deny it a bit longer because, oh, they're just being a good daughter/son.

The thing that bothers me is that the adult children get stuck, in a way. Parents say they don't want help, and when they do get in trouble, they don't call us. Then we find out later and feel guilty. Next time they're in trouble, they do call us. Then we have to drop everything and go help. (If we don't drop everything...well, you're a terrible daughter/son.) Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

My conclusion is that I have a great empathy for older adults faced with change and I suspect the situation is so much more difficult than we know. Thanks for listening to my long-winded reply.

Hi Liam:

I work with baby boomers and their families, in several legal and counseling capacities.

I think this is a gross generalization. There are many baby boomers whose children complain that their parents expect too much help.

I think as with any group there are some people who act very needy even when they are not needy and those who are perhaps too proud to ask for help, or they are not aware that they need help, even when they do need help.

But more often what I run into with working with baby boomer families is that the baby boomer parent feels that one child is trying to take too much control. That is why they are fearful of asking for help.

Sometimes the adult child of a boomer may try to take control as as a way to shut the other children out for various reasons.

Sometimes they do it because they see the parent needs help.

Sometimes they are truly just bossy and controlling people.

Sometimes they are greedy and see control as an opportunity to take control of the parents finances.

I have clients that are in there 90s that are still living on their own and managing fine. They may be physical weaker but still sharp enough to take care of their finances.

These elders have sought outsiders to help with their finances and such if and when they need it because they see that one of their children is trying to take too much control and they do not like it, nor do they trust that child.

If you review cases of elder abuse, or talk to your state attorney general, you will see that the most likely person to abuse an elder is an adult child, typically a male child, but sometimes and adult woman

It is much rarer to have a trusted law firm or a bank trust department commit elder financial fraud because there are many people who oversee each other. Therefore elder abuse or fraud would be very difficult to hide.

Although, these types of outsiders sometimes also commit elder fraud. These cases more often make the newspapers when uncovered and are typically more sensationalized as they involve very wealthy people. Typically it is an individual provider rather than one with a larger organization with many employees.

An adult child who takes control over a parent's life through a POA or joint banking can get away with a lot of things, if no one notices and complains.

I have even spotted postings on this forum in which unscrupulous adult children are instructing others on how to cut out their siblings by getting the parent to change their will late in life, or appointing the unscrupulous child as durable power of attorney.

So, with that type of thing going on, would you want to give up control of your life?

Most boomers I work with, who do not have alzheimers or severe dementia, are extremely savvy. Perhaps they are concerned that the adult child attempting to take control of their lives will not act in their best interest, before their end and after their death.

BTW: The baby boom generation is not from the depression era, that is their parents. The baby boomer generations is split into two parts:

In the U.S., the generation can be segmented into two broadly defined cohorts: The Leading-Edge Baby Boomers are individuals born between 1946 and 1955, those who came of age during the Vietnam War era. ... The other half of the generation was born between 1956 and 1964.

I think it partially has to do with the fact that they are unwilling to accept that they have gotten to an age where they are no longer independent or able to care for themselves. Remember that generation was born into and lived through the Depression and war years. They understood better than any of us younger generations what it meant to make sacrifices and go without. They also knew what hard work and independence meant. They fought for their livelihoods, they bled for it and yes some died for it. They worked hard and earned everything they have and losing it all is almost as bad as serious illness and death itself. It means the end of their life as they have always known it and change especially at an older age can be extremely hard to acknowledge, accept and move forward into. I know my mother is only 64, but the changes in her life over the last two years have been overwhelming and almost crippling for her to handle and accept. It’s been a gradual process for her to take, literally day by day. You can’t expect the older generarions who have been used to being the caretakers, mentors and leaders to suddenly wake up one day and go, ‘Damn I’m old and sick time for me to sell it all and check into the nursing home.’ It’s not in their nature to give up a fight for their life and their natural survival so easy and asking for help for a lot of them is equal to giving up. I’d say it’s our generation that needs to learn how to intersect compassion, understanding, kindness and recognize their need to still feel independent, useful and needed while helping them move into that next stage of life whatever it may be.

After caring for my mom who was selfish and mean, the last thing I want to do is put my kids through that. I don’t think I would be mean (mom always had a mean streak) but I really want them to be able to make major life decisions without being bound by me. I’m not elderly yet, but I’m not exactly we’ll either. They’re raising their families and really need to be able to enjoy that time. It goes by so fast and then you’re old.

I think it matters not what the generation is, no one wants to admit they need help.
No one wants to admit that they can no longer do something that they have done for almost their whole lives.

How many times as caregivers were we offered help and we said..."No thanks, I got it" or "I'm doing alright" or any number of responses. Or did we ask someone to run to the store, or can you sit with Dad while I go to the doctor for my physical, or I would love to go to a movie with my ......... could you sit with Mom....

How many times did you see your child struggle with a wrapper and offer to open it and they say..."No I wanna do it". You offer to help turn the shirt right side out and they say "I can do it".

As parents you strive to form, to develop an independent person. You release this independent person into the world. Your Grandparents did that to their children, your parents. This independent person does not want to admit that they can no longer do some things.
You watch your parents trying to do things they now have problems with just as you watched your child try to open that wrapper. It is only when either frustration builds or an injury occurs that there might be some acceptance of help.

The funny thing is we have been taught from an early age that it is good to help someone. You feel good when you help someone. So why is it so difficult to accept help. Are we not denying someone the good feeling that you get when you do something nice for someone?

My mother is silent at the wrong time. If there is something she should be concerned about, she withholds that information from me. If there is something trivial going on, it becomes a broken record. She's never had a filter and now with moderate dementia, it's even worse.

“Use it up,
Wear it out,
Make it do,
OR DO WITHOUT” (emphasis mine).
The family members for whom I have cared were taught to do all they could for themselves WITHOUT COMPLAINT.
These dear folks weren’t “silent” without having a reason to be so.
Many of them went straight from being “seen but not heard” to being wage earners, because at least for the amazing Middle Class in our country during the Great Depression, there wasn’t the luxury of a whiney, protracted, decade long period to ”find yourself” before getting a job and adding to the resources of the family.
SEVEN of the eight surviving children of my grandfather and immigrant grandmother graduated from HS and went into a full time job the following Monday, and brought home the pay check to Mama as soon as it had been cashed, and DID THAT until the day they married.
Three of the seven never married, living at home until my grandmother died of Vascular Dementia at 81.
For the last several years of her life, my grandmother lived with sundowning, and her daughters took turns in her sad nightly vigils AND went to work EVERY MORNING, one commuting 35 miles one way, 70 round trip.
I am now the lovingly responsible caregiver for “the Baby”, who at 90 is the last survivor. By the time she found the voice she needed to speak for herself, the decisions she MIGHT have made had been largely lost to her, tendrils of dementia symptoms were already clouding her mind, and most of the decision making she might have chosen for herself had been lost to her.
I have the painful and difficult responsibility of attempting to manage her circumstances in the ways that most benefit HER.
I thank God that we are able to have conversations on her GOOD DAYS that help me discern what she might want for the rest of her life.
Sadly, I see many in her AL who have lost even more independence than she.
By the way “nursing homes” during the ‘30’s and on up until fairly recently were synonymous, and described as “Going up the hill to the poorhouse”. Yes, no one wanted to go there, and fewer made it to that age anyway.

I honestly think Our Parents and Their Generation posess a greater endurance than Our Generation remembering They had it so much tougher than We could ever have had and would choose to suffer in silence in preference to making a request upon Us. I have always felt that Our Parents Generation were a Golden Generation and We will never meet their like again. Well not in this Life.