The silent generation; Why don't our elderly parents and loved ones speak up when they require care?

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The silent generation; Why don't our elderly parents and loved ones speak up when they require care?

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When you get an acceptable answer, let me know. My mother and I live together and she won't speak up when she has needs. She has a whistle if Im in the yard, yet she will blow it while Im in the next room to ask if I fed her cat.

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My parents grew up in the Depression when you were supposed to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and go on. Even though I know that both have depression, they refuse to own up to it. It is a sign of weakness to them. Despite the fact that both have fallen, my dad insists that they do not need anyone to sit with them. I think that I hate to ask for help because I have had situations where you could tell by the body language, that the other person didn't really want to help - and maybe I feel like I would be obligated to them and have to put up with behavior that I didn't like. I've found out that sometimes it is better to ask for help from strangers than your own family. My mom used to say ' sometimes the ones who treat you the worse are your own people.' She was right.

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My belief is that while they are in the midst of it (their decline) that they can't see it. The old "forest for the trees' adage. They go along each day with no catastrophes and call it good. They don't need help until they REALLY need help. Usually, the rest of the family is very clear that the folks needed help a long time ago. Like Sunnygirl said, it often takes scaring them (like you would a toddler who runs off in the grocery store) to get them to think about the what-ifs. "Dad, I know you think using a walker makes you look old, but if you fall and break a bone, then you're at the hospital for some length of time and you're at rehab after that. Life will not be the same when you return home. You may not be able to drive if you need surgery to repair the broken bone.......". We didn't feel bad about telling that story, because it was the truth!
My Mother and her husband circled their two little wagons when she was diagnosed with ALS and wouldn't let us kids in to help and refused to talk about it (closure, happy talks, things to remember, etc), because it made mom feel bad.

Honestly, at the root of it is no one wants to be a burden. No one wants to move into a place with other people. People they may not like. Caretakers that may not take care of them. We all can only hope and pray to die peacefully in our sleep when we're still of a sound mind and body. Sadly, it never happens that way. That stuff, is by and large, only in the movies.

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Ceecee: Thanks. Tunnel vision is real.

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As others have said, I think a lot of this tendency comes from a fear of losing independence and also not wanting to be a burden. Additionally, I think there's a WHOLE LOT of denial going on. None of us really wants to think about or plan for a time in our lives when we can't look after our own needs (whether simply not being able to continue the upkeep of a yard, the housework, laundry or the BIG ones of personal cares, like showering or incontinence issues). Seriously. Of course this issue of denial is exacerbated if the elderly person develops dementia, as a broken brain usually can't recognize that it is broken.

It seems that most people assume that they will be hardy and healthy throughout their lives and then pass away quickly and painlessly in their sleep.

Then, of course, there are the financial aspects to consider. The fact of the matter is that very few people understand that planning for retirement needs to include planning for increased costs as health naturally declines, and especially those really big costs of in-home care, assisted living, or fully skilled facility care.

You've asked a good thought-provoking question, Llamalover47.

I wonder how many of us on this caregiver road have given much serious thought to what our own response will be to needing help in our later years.?

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As a caregiver, I have thought way too much about needing help in my later years. I know I'll get bopped by some for this statement, but I want to be able to end my own life with dignity. Sadly, the dignity is usually gone before folks realize it's gone. When is life not worth living, mentally and physically? Each person's threshold is different.

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I know in my Mom's case she lost my Dad at a very young age. Before he passed she was a stay at home Mom with seven kids to look after. Then suddenly she was a widow with no driver's license and not much of a work history to speak of.
Suddenly she was forced to be the strong one, the single working woman with seven kids who had just had a mastectomy herself. She worked till she was 68. But even after she retired she held on to her independence like it was a bag of gold nuggets.

I remember one time when I went to her place and saw that she had fallen and like that stupid commercial could not get back up. I'm pretty physically weak and I was always scared of doing more harm than good trying to help her. She would always zig when I zagged. If it weren't so serious it would have been almost comical. So I called the paramedics. They came over and I had a good long discussion with them about my Mom and how she would refuse help. One of them even sat on the edge of my Mom's bed with her, put his arm around her shoulders and said, "Why don't you accept help Jean?"

I'm afraid I'll be like my Mom when i reach that age. I am a very private person. I don't even like to reapply my lipstick in front of others if I am in a public washroom. I always sit in the cubicle and fix my makeup. My Mom was the exact same way. Lord help anyone who needs to look after me when I'm far gone. I pray I'll die before I ever get to that state.

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If some paramedic treated me so disrespectfully, I'd have given him a good dressing down. That must have been mortifying for your mother. How could you let that happen?

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I think, to them, its a sign of weakness to ask for help. My Dad was one of 8 during the depression. The older ones took care of the younger ones. They were taught they had to help support the family. My Dad had a paper route at 12. Worked our local Amusement park, when he was old enough, the Ferrys and then to DuPont where he retired after years working there. So, think its kind of hard for them to admit they need help.
And then you have some that think you should be at their beck and call.

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Sunnygirl, like your part when you ask "what will u do if" and they shrug.
They think their children will take care of them and enjoy doing it.

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JoAnn: Thanks. That is true~some kids won't have a part of caregiving. They were an Enduring Generation.

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Interesting question. I've considered it quite a bit, as it's so prevalent. I have some theories, but, no proof. What I do know is that there seem to be few seniors who actually plan and actually made the decision when it's time. I say let's use them as a model. Let's see how they did it.

I've seen so much of the situation where the seniors are ailing, struggling, in need of assistance and resist care, with various people that I know, that I think that I have gone overboard. I'm no where near ready, but, I'm already thinking of setting myself up so that I won't have to do it later. I HOPE that I'll be one of the few who doesn't resist or go kicking and screaming. But, will I change and become one who becomes a worry to others and a person who refuses help? I found that it's not so much helping our seniors who are in need, but CONVINCING them to accept the help. It really boggles the mind the hoops we have to jump through.

What I've noticed, even with seniors who do NOT have dementia, is that they have a distorted view of their situation. Their reality seems skewed. Things that seem reasonable, now they don't see. At times, I get frustrated. I wonder if being so positive, caring, platonic, etc., might be unhelpful. It might be more productive if we are blunt with our ailing seniors who need help. What if we told them they were driving us crazy and that their refusal to acknowledge and accept help and change was burdensome and annoying? Would they care? Are they able to fully appreciate what we are saying? Would it inspire them to be more proactive in voicing their need and accepting help?

What do you say to a senior with mobility issues who refuses to pay a professional house cleaner, because she just doesn't want to spend the money? Or who insists on walking up and down stairs to do laundry, when there are funds to pay for it to be done? When you explain how a fractured hip, if one should fall would be a terrible price to pay.......they shrug it off. So, yes. It is indeed a mystery.

Perhaps there needs to be a Public Service Campaign to address it, with actual seniors who have made some sound decisions as the spokes people.

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Thoughtful/insightful answer. My Mother has advanced dementia and although she's a sweetheart, she can also be a handful. There HAVE been times when I told her she was driving me crazy. She always pauses, thinks about it and tells me she's sorry. Talk about being humbled. Sometimes she makes perfect sense. Night before last, she told me she didn't think she would be here much longer. (Kind-of under her breath). I asked her why. She said, "I just feel it." I hope and pray she's wrong.

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Very interesting. Gershun described my parents to a T. They both experienced the depression and grew up to be strong, independent and very frugal! As for the silent part, I was raised to believe that a child wasn't to speak unless spoken to (in the presence of adults) and family matters always stayed in the family. So many "taboos" - now. pretty much anything goes.

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dlpandjep: Thanks for your response. Yes, that was " the you are to be seen, but not heard" time.

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Llama, I believe it's as simple as not wanting to be a burden combined with not wanting to give up their independence. They were brought up to think you had
to be strong. Going through the great depression etc. instilled a tough hide maybe?
Not to mention the fact that nursing homes have a horrible reputation. Who would want to end up in one of "those places".

These are my thoughts about this.

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Gershun, you are saying that nursing homes have a horrible reputation...First of all, not all of them, and I saw already one, that is good(unfortunately my mom could be there only on rehab, and another one where we are waiting list. But yes, nobody want to end up in one of those places, but what if physical health of a person overcoming mental health and the mental health convert the life of the whole family in a hell? So , what should I do, let my kids to live in a hell who knows how long or put mom in NH where I am visiting every day and she kind of feeling OK there, not much better or worse if she will be with us at home. Only AT HOME she will stop the life of 4 people completely. Even now, because of course when i am visiting her, I am crying (she is less and less the person I knew), they affected by that, but if she ll be with us, it will be much worse. So yes, I did tell my kids, if I am not dead before my brain start dying, please put me in such places, do not hesitate.

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The silent generation; Why don't our elderly parents and loved ones speak up when they require care?

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