Therapeutic lying question: how much lying is a good thing?

You might find this article helpful

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/validation-method-for-dementia-calming-or-condescending-166707.htm

I often tell my husband his father is at work. He died in 1952. He thinks I'm his mother most of the time. Need to go with the flow. Social worker at geriatric specialist office told me if he thinks it's April and it's snowing it's April

I will want the truth “bent” as much as necessary to allow me to be as comfortably content as possible when and if Dementia strikes me, and I will bend the truth as much as I need to for my LO’s comfort.
Dad is working overtime, Mama says to stay over because of the weather, sister Margaret will call in the morning.
All in love and care and concern.

I posted this before: a charge nurse at my mom's MC pretended to be a resident's mother on the phone for many months. He was so consoled by it. It stopped his crying for her, although she had passed decades ago.

OP, as long as no fraud nor actual abuse is done in the theraputic fib, we have all found solutions which lessen our LO anxiety, and agitation. Often they involve theraputic fibs.

gettingharder, this sounds so hard indeed, for you. You’re being so strong for her, good job. I haven’t had to do any of this yet, but could she be told he only just left and doesn’t she remember? Describe days your remember to her, and say that it was the other day? Maybe you could make that past very recent for her. Best wishes to you. I’m going to view the link above now.

Keep telling her he is away.
Can you write letters to her from "dad"?
Put them in the mail and she can get mail once a week from dad.
Tell her about the training, the work, how difficult it is and how much he misses her.

Oh gosh...I fear something similar could happen to me, with my mother if we lose my dad...will read the responses and hope someone has a good answer for you. I had a friend whose mother was in a NH, not for long, when her father died from heart related issues impacted by the stress and worry about his wife. They were one of those deeply bonded couples of the greatest generation. Her mom was becoming more out of it as I recall, and didn't even ask...but yours is keenly aware he is missing.
I don't know if this will work, depending on where she is/how she is...but when my folks visited my sister a few years ago we were clueless about how the dementia had snuck in under our noses...and so once there, and when she learned how long they would be there, and no explanation satisfied her, my sister simply began to white lie and respond "the day after tomorrow" which was soon enough and complex enough and/or vague enough to satisfy mom in the moment. Maybe that will buy you some time...that dad will be home the day after tomorrow....

I suggest that if you are able find a picture or lots of them together to put in her room. Tell her that he has had to go on a long trip for work and misses her terribly and will be so glad when they are reunited. If necessary mail her a card from him, if you have old cards from him to her and you think she won’t remember those mail those to her.

How is your mom's time perception? If it's fuzzy, you might be able to say, "I know it seems like a very long time, but it really hasn't been. He'll be back as soon as he can."

If that's not in keeping with the situation, perhaps you could say, "Well, Dad was such a fast learner and got the best grades in his class, they begged him to stay on and teach for a while. He was really honored that they asked."

It was heartbreaking to read your story. I feel for you.

Send sweet loving greeting cards to her from him. Add some old photo, from time to time that say, "Remember when we...! I was just remembering that day. How pretty you are. Can't wait to be with you again".
Send them once a week or so, and then save them so she can look over them again when she gets down.

I followed the link cwillie posted - the final thing Carol Bradley Bursack wrote was:
"Dementia presents countless challenges that call for stellar patience and every tool at our disposal. It may seem backwards at first, but validating your loved one, rather than correcting them, is life-enhancing for both of you. It’s an expression of kindness and respect that will help them feel heard and prevent you from starting unnecessary arguments you will never win."

Challenges, patience, tools... But please, let's not call it lying, even prefaced by Therapeutic... I have referred to them as "little white lies" as well... but lies have such a negative connotation. Lies are malicious and meant to hurt. Validation in these cases are to help.

You have to get creative, build up your "tools" and also learn how to redirect and refocus mom. It isn't always easy. What IS harder is to try to reason with, correct or argue with the person!! WAY more difficult and frustrating!

In your case, what is your mother's relationship with time? Although you find her crying because she thinks he has been gone a long time, does she have a good concept of time? If not, the work/training excuse can still work, but add other excuses to your repertoire and refocus her by reassuring her it has only been a day/week or whatever time frame works, and then gently remind her that just the other day (or week), remember we did XYZ or went to ZZY with dad? Pick some activity or event she might recall, even if it was years ago!

I knew my mother had signs of early dementia, but that was before I really poked around online and learned a lot more about it! The first instance like this that happened, I wasn't aware of much, but in retrospect, yes, it all makes sense. My daughter picked her up for a baby shower and I took her home. On the way home she told me how surprised she was to see "Mary Jones" (made up name) there... I recognized the name, but as far as I am aware I never met this woman (mother's cousin.) I merely said "Who?" She repeated the name, said it was her cousin and that she picked her up and brought her to the shower! Not knowing any better then, I said No, that was S, my daughter, your granddaughter. She clammed up. In looking back now that I have learned a thing or two, it makes sense. That was HER reality and I was negating it. I do wish there was a picture of this cousin - she must have looked a lot like my daughter!!

After 9 months in MC, out of the blue asked me to drop her off at her mother's on my way home. Having learned a little bit, quick thinking, I looked at my watch, said Oh it's kind of late and not exactly on my way home, maybe tomorrow. Okay was the response (followed by asking if I had a key to the place they sold about 24 years ago!!!) Quick thinking again, raised my lanyard, said Oh not with me, maybe I have one at home... These statements leave the door "open" for another time (and hopefully meanwhile they forget!) The current plan if/when she pushes about her mother (gone about 40 years) or father (maybe 56 years!) is to tell her they are on vacation (FL in winter, with the Canadian relatives in summer! She remembers them and they recently visited!)

Of course you cannot tell your mother dad is on vacation - THAT would be a huge mistake! Other ideas perhaps - some kind of meetings, visiting with old buddies or playing poker? Fishing, golfing, hunting, if he did any of these things? Picking up some items at the store? At the hardware store getting some tools to fix XXX... try ANYTHING that he used to do in the past, because she is living somewhat in the past.

ALWAYS follow up with redirecting her focus onto something else that she will get "into" so that she isn't watching the clock or the door!! Hopefully she has some "hobbies" or things she likes to do, or movies she really enjoys, whatever, anything that you can do with her, to keep her mind occupied.

Did you dad ever send flowers to mom? Maybe here and there have the florist send a bouquet from him with a nice little love note (handwriting won't matter since the florists write the cards!) Short and sweet note - Missing you, love you, see you REAL soon! If you recall any "pet" names they might have had for each other, or phrases, use those too so it seems more like your dad. Try to call a florist from a non-local place so she might believe he is in another town.

Little fibs are harmless.

Oh dear. When the therapeutic fib stops working, hm?

If it wouldn't be uncomfortable for her or you, holding her hand, hugging her, stroking her hair, that sort of very basic comfort, might soothe her. It is all right not always to be able to explain, not always to have answers, just to offer reassurance in the moment.