Is it reasonable to think that there is an obligation for a family member to provide care for an aging parent?

Yours is a good question. I'm sure you'll get a lot of feedback on this.

"Obligation" is a strong word. Why is your brother obligated to care for your dad? Are you obligated to care for him too?

Feeling that someone is obligated to do something is having an expectation that that person should do something and having expectations often end up becoming resentments. We can't force others to do what we think they should do.

Where is your dad now? Who is caring for him?

My husband feels the same obligation. We moved his parents in with us 2 1/2 years ago because they could no longer care for themselves. He has no help from his siblings, they state "you asked for it, it's all on you". It is rough for us as his mother is basically an invalid who will not or try to do anything for herself. She expects her husband to take care of all her daily needs. It is getting too much for him and I know this is going to sound cruel but I refuse to let myself or my husband do it. She refuses to use the bathroom so he put a potty chair in their bedroom and she uses it 2-3 times a day and then calls her husband to empty and clean it. She can use the bathroom but like I said she refuses. He also has to clean her up afterwards because she will not. I don't mean to make this a "Venting" answer but it is very frustrating. She will not come to the dinner table for meals, he has to take her meals to her and then clean her up when she is fully capable of doing it herself. All our attention is focused on Dad because he is the one who truly needs help and unfortunately there is a lot of resentment towards her. She refuses to even think about assisted living.

I do feel children do have an obligation to help care for their parents when it is at all possible. We do have it rough but they are our parents and it their better days, they have always tried to help their children out when the need was there.

I feel that we should try to do what we can for our elders. That doesn't necessarily mean creating financial disaster for ourselves or taking them into our homes if that will destroy the family. It does mean working with agencies if we cannot provide some care by going to their home to help out.

I agree that obligation is a strong word because that can breed resentment and turn into elder neglect or abuse. This is especially an issue if the parents were abusive to their children. When child abuse was present, the adult child may feel very conflicted about caring for his or her parents. In these cases, unless there's been significant counseling to help the adult child recover, it's perhaps better for the adult child to take an administrative role in caregiving if, indeed, they can take any role at all.

In close-knit families, adult children generally want to help their aging parents to whatever degree they can, within reason. That's not out of obligation so much as out of love. There is a difference.
Take care,
Carol

Each child has to make their own decision. A decision that they will have to live with. My brother made the same decision yours did. He focuses on his own family, wife and children. He said he would help to put our mother in a home, nothing else. Visited her once or twice a year, briefly.

My sister agreed to visit my mom once a month for the weekend, which was a huge relief to me. Although it was not much, I will forever appreciate it. Also my sister spent the last few years of our mother's life talking with her and working out their issues and getting closer.

I chose to be there for my mom. It was hard and took a toll on my life, but I would not have it any other way. She was a good mom to me while I was little and it's what I wanted to do. Now I have good memories of helping her when she was failing needed me and I know I did the best I could.

My brother and sister have to live with their decisions and trust me, they both feel fine. I only hope two things...

1. That I will not be a burden on my sons
2. and if I need them, they will not make me leave my home.

All we can do is the best we can do and if we do our best, that's good enough.

Thirty states are invoking "filial responsibility" laws. That means you pay for your parents' care if you have the means. Pennsylvania, Health Care & Retirement Corporation of America v. Pittas, (Pa. Super. Ct., No. 536 EDA 2011, May 7, 2012), where a PA appeals court found a son liable for his mother’s $93,000 nursing home bill under the state’s filial responsibility law.

Obligation-NO, Choice-YES. Doing an unwanted obligation is a disaster waiting to happen. A choice has the potential for a successful outcome. Helping is a better solution. Elderly caregiving is a personal choice by an individual and everyone other than the individal making that choice needs to mind their own business.

i think that the system thats in place in the usa right now is pretty common sensical. if the family doesnt step up and provide good in home care for the elder the state will -- but, there will be no assets left for the family to fight over.
my mother helped me thru some of lifes most bleak moments. what some might see as obligation i saw as repayment.

Jesus H C! Thirty states! Really??? That's pretty alarming. I hate to sound cynical, but is this political development fiscally or morally driven?

I was going to say: I think it is reasonable to assume that most people will feel some sense of obligation to provide care for their parents. I was going to go on to say that it is equally reasonable for people who don't feel that obligation to decline to play any part in their parents' care - and some of those people will have very good reasons indeed for their sentiments.

Now I feel the ground trembling… So if the law is coming down on the honour your father and mother side of things, what impact do we see that having on people's approach to their own later life, their parents' welfare and their own relationship with their adult children?

You choose to have children. Nobody gets to choose whether or not they have parents. Has anyone got a summary of other cases' ratios? (PS was the PA case the one where the mother skedaddled overseas and left the son holding the invoice?)

We would not exist if we didn't have parents. If they didn't give life, we would not be here. We do not choose to be born, but without our parents ...

Do we feel obligation to those who gave us life? That we have the chance to feel the warm sun on our faces or see a child smile? That we get to experience the wonders around us?

Huge question...

Some would say we only have to pay it forward. Others will do nothing. Some will be thankful...

How do you want to be treated when you are old?

Sooozi, I personally do feel an obligation - a loving one - to care for my mother. That's why I volunteered to do it. My siblings clearly don't feel the same (or not to the same extent, anyway; I didn't exactly have to fight for the privilege…). Some people feel strongly that their parents have destroyed any such trusting relationship, and reject the obligation: could one result of this legislation's being invoked be a rise in the number of child v. parent "divorces"? And would I want my children to feel "obliged" to care for me? Maybe I'll feel differently when I'm ill and old and frail, but right now I'd be horrified if they did.

The point, though, is that the obligation is a moral one. I get a bit twitchy when lawmakers start enforcing morality. It never seems to end well.

This has been a question I have been struggling with and it has caused me so much agnst at one point I thought I mike have a nervous breakdown.
Why? Because in my heart I want to do the "right" thing. The "right" thing that my upbringing taught me, what I see some other people doing who say how could you not do for your aging parents? I have visited people in nursing homes who I see sitting in wheel chairs frail, looking overmedicated, heads fallen down on their chests and I am horrified. Could I put a loved one in a home?
Yet I also know in my heart that I am not a one on one caregiver. I don't have it in me to wash my parents body or wipe their behind or change diapers. I have no nursing type bones in my body- sickness makes my already anxious personality go over the edge. Plus things are not as they were when they took care of their own- the wife was a homemaker not working 2 jobs like myself- one of them which is running a small business that we own. I'm out of the house 10 hrs. a day doing my day job which affords us the health benefits. I don't have the liberty to quit either job. Everything gets on my husband's nerves and he is very vocal about it. It would be a stressful environment to bring someone into and it would be stressful for him to have more things to get on his nerves. But I still feel like I'm "bad". I have much guilt and yes also resentment.
Thank God I found this site. Not only did I find I am not alone and the worst person who ever walked the earth- but when I read about the challenges it has reinforced my mind with the knowledge that if it comes down to it I cannot bring my parent to my home to live. I will do what I CAN do. I will be the best advocate I can and find the best care we can afford and I will stay present in the situation at all times. But I refuse to feel obligated and then have it all blow up in my face. God forgive me- help me to do what is right for all. Give me the strength to deal with what it is I need to do and to allow myself forgiveness for what I'm really not called to do.

Perhaps i'm ultra sensitive, but it seems to me that if your parents did all they could do for you their entire lives, always putting your interests above theirs, it's not too much to say that there is an obligation, particularly when there's a sizable inheritance pending. Unless one is willing to give up their inheritance, shouldn't they step up if only to preserve it because in my experience I've seen parents alter their wills to benefit the child that was there for them when most needed...

PStern (I'm sure this is absolutely NOT what you meant, but….) so if your parents dedicated their lives to you, sent you to college, supported your early career perhaps, and as a result ended up without two pennies to rub together or leave as your inheritance, then you don't owe them squat?

Ask the family member what they can do if anything to help. If they want nothing to do with the care at least you know up front. Also sometimes people don't what to do to help. Even litlle things that don't involve hands on care like grocery shopping, picking up meds, maybe even laundry will ease some burden of the hands on caregiver.

In my situation a family member said that they would help, then backed out because they had asked our father for a lot of money and then didn't get it. Eight months later after our father passed, the family member learned that their inheritance was reduced from 50% to 25%. Now the "disinherited" family member is contesting the will claiming lack of capacity...

PStern, makes you shudder, doesn't it? Any documentation on that person's unsuccessful demand for (what I suspect he or she saw as) an advance? - it would be helpful in establishing the history.

The problem is that there are parents who didn't try to be there when their children needed them, who took instead of gave, and who undermined rather than supported and still feel completely untitled to having a devoted loyal daughter. The question of obligation is a very difficult one for me.

knowing what I know now, about caregiving,I guarantee, it wouldn't matter what the inheritance was, I'd run so fast you'd see smoke...lol

Sunnydreams ,I totally agree with your thoughts about the absent parenting, yet expect the return of a devoted daughter. My 'Mother' is totally disabled of her own choice and expects me to wait on her hand and foot. Most days I have to feed her as she "doesn't have the strength" to do it herself. From the begining I tried everything to keep her moving. It was my understanding we were going to be buddies and do things together.That didn't last long . The more I did the, more she expected, to the point of forcing me to quit the job I loved, to be with her 24/7. The question was about obligation. I believe we have obligation to our 'self' first, otherwise we are no good to others.I resent being in the position that I'm not true to myself. This woman was NEVER there for me. Yet, I go through each day letting her feel she is the 'Queen" she thinks she is. I'm wondering if it maybe more "Respect" than obligation???

I would say in a 'normal' upbringing (where you had a pretty good relationship with your parent) you would feel more 'obligated' to care for your parent... How about all the babies born from 'affairs' or dysfunctional people that didn't even think about what it would be like to have a child... In other words, it wasn't 'planned'... Just saying... I was on my own from 15 on... did everything on my own... bent over backward to try and 'keep' my (only) family as a 'unit'... only to find most (all) are narcissistic... I love my mother... caring for her... but, I always crave for the love (and, support) I never had or will have...

I think there is no right answer here. Everyone has to decide for themselves what level of care they can handle if any at all. I don't think anyone should be forced or made to feel guilty for their choices when it comes to elder care. I don't think a sibling that believes they should do every thing possible for elder care should think that all the siblings should believe the same. I don't think the sibling that steps up should feel resentment because other siblings don't feel the same.

If you have chosen to provide care that is your decision and you shouldn't expect other siblings to give the same commitment.

With that said I would hope that all would want to help but you can't force it or lay a guilt trip on those that choose otherwise

No, it is not reasonable to think that there is an obligation for a family member to provide care for an aging parent.

It is reasonable to expect that most people brought up reasonably well will want to provide some level of care for an aging parent, out of love. Most is not all. And certainly not everyone was brought up reasonably well.

In the states where there is a filial responsibility law, it only applies to financial support (which is a considerable obligation -- I'm not downplaying it), for indigent parents. It does not extend to taking them to doctor's visits or visiting them or calling them or bringing them into their own homes or personally providing care. And it does not apply equally to all children. A nursing home can select the wealthiest child to sue, for example.

cher062, You remind me of my brother, but in a different way, because he does have empathy, just not for me.

How do you find it reasonable that just one sibling is left caring for the parent and you go about your merry way?

windytown, why are you singling out cher062? She is not the only one who doesn't think that all children have an obligation to care for their parents. For example, I don't think that is reasonable. Does that mean I have no empathy, in your view?

If one sibling choses to care for a parent and the others chose not to, or not to in the same way, that may not seem reasonable or fair, but all children have the same opportunity to decide. For example, if three sibs think Dad should go to a care center and one daughter thinks he should live with her, what gives her the right to insist all share her view of how things should happen, and all share in the work?

Several of us found a nice assisted living/dementia care center for our mother. She gave notice on her apartment. One sister who had just retired decided she'd rather see Mom in a private setting, so she took Mom in. Awesome! The rest of us were thrilled. That really is a better situation for Mom. Do I feel obligated to do more for my mother than I would be doing if she went to a care center? Absolutely not. I have my mother in my home about 10% of the time, to give my sister respite. Not because I am obligated to, but because I love my mother and love my sister. Other sibs are helping out in similar ways, for similar reasons. My sister did not insist that I do this, or even ask me. I volunteered.

I was my husband's caregiver for 10 years for dementia. I would never, ever, take on caregiving duties for any sum of money, any amount of inheritance, or any "obligation." The only reason worth doing it for it the reason I did it for my late husband: love. I would hope that in most families, most children do love their parents. That is apparently not always true. That is sad. But it doesn't create an obligation, in my view.

there are some people that should not provide care. I would think these are the ones that are not around much. This could be due to the emotions that they would have to come to grips with, or a number of other thing like abuse as a child.

The worst possible thing to do is to force caregiving responsibilities on another person. This would only add to the stress and become potentially dangerous to the senior.

I believe we must make sure our family members are cared for to best of our individual ability. I stress individual ability. Each person is different in what they are physically, emotionally, and mentally able to handle. Taking care of a loved one may mean making sure they are in the right facility receiving their daily care. It's a very demanding job to care and practically live another 's life for them on a daily basis, and love should be a motivating force behind what one does for another. You can not expect siblings to do their share, or at least don't count it. I know I get no assistance, although we have bent over backward for my brother and his family in the past, he is out of the picture. That's his choice and he has to live with it when mom and dad are gone.

I completely agree that caregiving siblings can't reasonably expect the others to feel the same and join in. But I do think it's reasonable to expect them, in that case, not to interfere, snipe, undermine or otherwise obstruct. What is that all about: "we said it was impossible for us, so we're going to make damn sure it's as difficult as we can make it for you"?

I expect my siblings would find "doing their bit" easier and more convenient if my mother were packed away tidily in a care home near them. But I'm not asking for their help: do they still have grounds for complaint?

jeanne, Some of us don't have a choice. We are IT, the only family. Well, except for that brother of mine, in my case. He made promises to me that he would be back to visit yearly to give me a break. He hasn't been back in nearly three years and denies he ever said he would visit every year. My husband backs me up on this as he was sitting with us when bro made that promise.

So yes, I am taking this very personally and I need to step back. My apologies to cher and others my words may have hurt.

I'll just go slink away now....

I agree with country mouse. If anyone who chooses not to be involved has NO room to interfere, undermine or complain about the caregiver. We are in a situation where my sister in law also relieves the caregiver. Because she is a controlling, emotionally unstable narcissist she undermines the wonderful care my mother in law receives, and attempts to pit one care giver against the other. We are unable to keep this daughter away from her mother at this time, and my MIL would never understand why she would need to be kept away from her. Sometimes it is good other relatives don't want to be involved.

Windytown first of all you know nothing about me at all. I have a great amount of empathy, and sympathy and I am the person in my family that does step up and provide care. I am the person in the family that is the one that is the first there with my heart on my sleeve. I take offense that you have suggested otherwise and singled me out from all the posts that have the same view as I do.

I don't think its the children's "obligation" to provide care for their aging parents but that doesn't mean I don't think that the children shouldn't step up in some way.

I think that every situation is different and every person is different, every person asked to provide care has different skills and abilities in providing that care. I don't think its right for anyone to tell me or anyone else that it is there obligation to take on the care of anyone. I don't think its right for anyone to say if you don't provide care at home and have chosen different care arrangements that you are an awful person. I don't think just because a sibling has a different point of view from what YOU think is the right way to do it doesn't mean their way is the Wrong way because it isn't what you would choose. I think if there is a sibling situation that all the siblings should keep an open mind to other alternatives of care that may be suggested by the others and not think that their own view is the only one that is the best and everyone MUST do it that way or they are an awful person or unsympathetic or unempathetic.

I think the term "care" can mean many different things to many different people and every person and situation will have a different definition of what the best care will be. For me providing care means looking at the current situation and determining what is the best option for care while trying to keep the decision in an unemotional light (very hard to do). It doesn't always mean we as children MUST do everything we can to keep our parents out of assisted living or a nursing home. I think it means we need to look at what situation will provide the best care and where can that care be best provided for.

For my Father in law that is a nursing home even though he asks every time we visit to come home (he has been there for 3 years now). I just don't have the skill set to provide the QUALITY care he really NEEDS and deserves.

My Mother In Law on the other hand is now living with us because I can provide the care she currently needs but as she gets increasingly worse and I really can't provide the care she really NEEDS I wouldn't hesitate to find a nursing home or assisted living community that can provide the Quality Care she will eventually need that I know can't provide.

I also know that living with me in my home ISN"T the same as her living at "HOME". She can no longer live alone in HER house and has been declared incompetent and even though she is with us she too still asks to go back to the house she and her husband use to live in.

I grew up in a home where my grandfather lived with us. He at first was ok but as time went by he kept getting worse. I saw what my mom went through trying to provide care for him when she really didn't have the ability to give him all the care he deserved. I saw my mom breakdown the day she knew he had to go to a nursing home because she finally realized the best care she could get for him for him wasn't at home and wasn't with her. I spent many nights at the hospital myself from 16 on (after getting my license) when my parents had taken a Saturday - sunday break away and my grandfather had to go to the hospital by ambulance. I have know from a very early age what the commitment to provide care for an elderly sick parent/grandparent means.
My mom taught me and gave me the ability to look at the situation and be realistic about what needs to be done.

If I chose to take on the responsibility of my own parents care as they get older and sicker I would never expect my brother to do the same. I would hope he would help out and agree with the decisions I make and if he doesn't I would hope that he wouldn't be all up in my face for the decisions I make when he isn't willing to be there.

Like I said at the beginning every person, every parent's situation, and every decision a child makes for their parents is very different from one person to the next and we have no right to judge others choices just because it isn't what we would choose.