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My brother who refused to help, even said our father wasn't welcome in his home, is claiming that he did his part by suggesting that our dad pay a caregiver to look after him.
And just for some FYI for my In Laws my husband and I are IT. My Husband is an only child and isn't home all day like I am - someone has to work and bring home the bacon. I gave up my job/career 3 years ago to stay home and provide care or manage care for my In-Laws. It's not easy and I do wish every day that my hubby had a sibling to at least give us a much needed break and vacation. After 3 years my Mother In Law is currently in the nursing home after surgery for respite care for the next 2 months and I have to say it is giving me a much needed rest.
Cher062 - you've just reminded me of one of my guiltiest moments: the afternoon I picked my daughter up from the railway station, we went straight to the hospital to visit my mother, who'd just had surgery on an open wrist fracture - and they told me she was good to go home. I know I was SUPPOSED to be delighted… I just hope I covered up my horrified expression quickly enough!
Oh, it can be nice to know they're getting expert care when they need it, can't it?
Cher062, Once again, I am sorry I singled you out. Mea Culpa. You understand what it's like to be IT. I'm just sooo burned out. When I read words about siblings not having to have any obligation, if they don't feel like it, it hurts. Especially when false promises were made and I'm going through a rough patch with my brother these exact days.
I'm sorry I took it out on you. You didn't deserve that.
My mom expected me to drive to her AL through a horrible blizzard yesterday where there were numerous accidents so I could bring her coleslaw and prunes! She didn't understand how I wouldn't drive there when her caregivers made it. I'm 10 miles further away in open country and cars were in the ditch all over.
Mom's a horrible narcissist and lays the guilt on me constantly, yet my brother's an angel because he calls once a week. It hurts, but my intention here is not to hurt others.
I realize everyone's situation is different and struggle every day not to let things get me down. Best wishes to you in your CG life.
windytown, don't you dare slink. If a promise was given, it should be kept. One has an obligation to keep promises that others counted on when they made life changing decisions. About taking it personally, you got to let it go. Siblings have complicated reasons for the decisions they make, or fail to fulfill. Know that as hard as caregiving is, the growth is enormous, so are the rewards..
Countrymouse, You crack me up! I can picture a sled weighed down by coleslaw and prunes with a flashing emergency light mounted on the front. Thanks for the comic relief!
Windy thanks for the apology. Question for you if your brother did not make an empty promise when you first took mom in would you have made the same decision?
kathyt1, Yeah, that's the hardest part - the broken promise. My son is now a Junior in High School. We had hoped to take a family vacation over these past three years just to make some memories for our little family of three before he flies the coop.
That's just a small part of it, but I feel bad for my son that we're stuck here. Meanwhile, my bro writes me e-mails chastizing me for not joining a church family as that will make things all better. That only serves to make me feel worse, like I'm a failure in my faith in God.
Even if I had the time to seek out this 'church family', I know my mother would not accept visits from strangers, so it's a moot point.
He just doesn't (or doesn't want to) get it. I'm moving towards acceptance of that. It's still a tough pill to swallow while feeling like he's judging me along with it.
Yes, things would be this way, with or without his promise. I've pretty much lived the life of an only child for 40 years. And yes, there have been benefits to that - all the good times I got to spend with my mom and dad over those years. I have a treasure of memories whereas he does not.
He did come over and stay with us in the months leading up to my dad's death from brain cancer and stuck with us until the house was sold. For that I am forever grateful. Very obviously he loved my dad the better of the two.
Your question really gives me something to think about, perhaps a different way of looking at things. Thank you for that.
If you would have taken this on with out your brothers promise then you were ready to do this alone. Go with that. Your brother gave you a promise I'm not making excuses for him but maybe he really didn't understand just what that meant and now just can't step forward. Either way its on you now.
First what your mom wants and what she and you NEED are two different things. You NEED a break with your family and mom will just have to adjust to someone in the home for a week or so or go to a facility that offered respite care so you can recharge. My mil is in the nursing home now for the next two months she has cataracts one was done and at end of Feb the other will be done. She didn't want to go there and she didn't want a nurse to be at the house. She wanted me to do the after care but after three years at this I have learned that my life and my family should not have to put things on hold because she needs care. Getting help from the church like your brother suggested isn't a failure in any way. Knowing when you deserve help knowing when the skills needed to care for mom can be best served by others is not failing. No one can do it all get the help from where ever it comes. You will be lesser stressed and don't feel guilty because you put yourself and your kid first. It ok to choose you over your mom's desires. It ok for her to not get everything she wants when she wants it. Its ok to say no this is how its going to be.
I dont think its possible for anyone to look after an elder with dementia 24/7 its not healthy for either party. the majority of people love and care about thier parents and want to do whats best for them and keep them around alot longer. I love my mum but she is a diabetic and wont look after herself she wont let me control her meds so she is a danger to herself she cant live on her own anymore as dementia and diabetes is serious. I found her to be perkier in a NH as she was being looked after by professionals here at her home she does what she wants and she will die soon if this continues I want her in a NH so she will live longer but if she dosnt want to go how can we force her? THEN if something happens and noone is here we are responsible?? I know its crazy. Damned if you do........... If my mum wants to stay in her home and die then who are we to argue but you can bet your last dollar that if she does fall or die the system will say this was elder abuse? Nobody wants their parents in a home but if they are a danger to themselves then whats the solution?
One thing missing in these conversations regarding taking care of one's parents is the age and health of the *child* who is to be the caregiver at home.
Sometimes we hear the word grown-child and think of someone in their 40's. What about those of us who are in their mid 60's and 70's and see in the future being a caregiver to one or both parents? Seniors taking care of seniors.
Depending on the health and energy level of the senior aged caregiver, it's not like taking care of a small child who eventually learned to do things for themselves.
I have many a sleepless night worrying myself to death about what to do when my parents are no longer independent, where will they go. My parents are in their 90's so all their siblings have passed on. I am an only child so there is no back-up for me. Plus I never had any children. It's just me.
And now reading there may be a law where children are responsible for their elder parents care, that scares me even more because I have saved big time so that I would have good care when I become older. If I have to give most of that all away for my parents, who will take care of me?
It just gets very convoluted. Most of the time I don't think people even know what they are signing up for when they take on the responsibility of caring for or helping a parent. I know I didn't, and I don't hVe my parents in my home. They are independent, or think they are. They really should be in an Assisted Living facility but they refuse. I think the bible says we are to care for our families but to what extent? I do all I can. They refuse to hire anyone to help but I think they could afford it if it were a priority. But as long as I'm doing it, why would they? Same for you, as long as you are doing it, why would your brother step in?
One of the best things I ever did was read the book 'Boundaries'. It really helps to organize your thoughts about things and helps with the expectation/obligation/resentment issues that come up. I have had to have some tough conversations with my parents but I have to take care of myself too. We all do. One of the hardest things is convincing ourselves that's it's OK to take care of us.
I was just glancing through some of the responses and it seems like our lives are all very similar. Sick or needy people take on a role - the sick role-and someone teaches them (in my case it was my father teaching my mom) that it's ok to ask for anything you want when you are sick. This comes from feeling sorry for the person. And that's all well and good when someone has the flu for 3 days. But when it's an ongoing condition and the person is never going to get better, the sick person learns to become very demanding and they aren't afraid to ask for anything. I am the daughter who does 99% of what needs to be done and I have told my mother not to ask me for things she can do herself. But when my sister comes to help, my mother treats her like a slave! Calling her from the other side of the house to bring her something that is 10 feet away from her. She says 'I have cancer, people should want to do things for me'. Well, no, I don't! Anyway, there is so much psychology involved with the physical side that these things can be exhausting. I DO NOT want my kids doing this for me. And I have to believe if they did, I would be grateful. Thanks for letting me vent!!
Robyn you are so right, she knows what person has buttons she can push. My MIL is always polite to me, but I have seen her berate her daughter over nothing at all. Her younger son will take verbal abuse all day long and go home exhausted. Her Number One Son, my husband, will tell her he doesn't want to hear her negative rant and tells her he'll come back when she feels better. She's calling to apologise within ten minutes. I set up her 7 day pill box. Once she told me she wasn't going to take the Xanax. I asked her " Where is the Will? You can stop taking it, your heart rate will go up, your blood pressure will be unstable and it'll all be over in 48 hours. Is that what you want?" without any expression of remorse or guilt. She took her meds.
Aw cher062, there's just so many nuances that are hard to communicate on the 'net, i.e. background of years of family crap and the like. I could waste a whole lot of electrons......
Wish we could all get together at a caregiver's convention and talk in real time face to face. I think we all long for that or we wouldn't be here. AC is a great safety net, though it's not perfect.
You give good advice and I appreciate that. My mom is in an assisted living place - has been for 2 1/2 years - after I had to kick her out of our house. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. So I do have practice protecting myself and hubby and son. I visit her every other day which I need to step back from because the negativity is pretty bad.
My husband and I joined a caregiver's support group this winter, and I think it's kind of made me a little more agitated in looking at what I do. Everyone winces when they find out I'm doing this on my own. Perhaps I was better off in my ignorance. Everyone else in the group has a sibling or multiple siblings involved and THEY are burned out. I don't enjoy being the object of pity and this has reinforced my angst about my brother not being present, ever.
It's not so simple as finding a church and supporting people there which, as I said, he thinks will be a solution. He is in a religion that pretty much requires that you divest yourself of this world and your 'family' are only fellow believers. I am not that person. He is of the opinion that standard religions, Lutheran, Catholic, etc. are dead churches. That is his criteria for me and I am a failure in his eyes if I don't somehow transform myself to that ideal....and my mother...which is so freaking unreasonable and impossible.
Somehow, he saw our dad as 'good', but mom and I are heathens. My dad would kick his butt every which way to Sunday if he were still here today. He was the glue that held everything together. That's what keeps me sane in dealing with mom's nuttiness and bro's unreality. I know he's there in my heart and he taught me well in being positive, though I struggle . My mom and dad were polar opposites in their attitudes and the 'little lady' is chipping away at me.
So that's it - stuck between a narcissist and a brother that wants to save the world but rejects his own family because we're not worthy as we're not like him. And doesn't keep his promises to me, because, well, I'm not good enough.
I would settle for a normal absent sib instead of one who thinks my mom and I are going to #ell for not following him in his religion as he is now leader in the family with my dad gone. (Heh!) My dad never bought into bro's beliefs and thought him strange, really strange, but loved him just the same.
Enough electrons....
I wish you peace and lots of rest in the next two months. It's good you realized the aftercare was not in your wheelhouse for MIL. I don't know where elders get the idea we are schooled in nursing. Hopes and dreams, I guess. Will probably be there someday myself. Hope my son meets a nice girl. LOL
A good friend of mine recently fell on hard times. Self employed at age 71 and not in good health herself, she has a handicapped son who lives with her. He is unable to work but cannot get disability. She has another child who is a DR and lives in a beautiful home with a spouse who also works, no children. My friend shivers in the cold because she cannot afford to raise her heat above 58 degrees and is eating pbjs for their meals. The married child refuses to help her because the other spouse wouldn't like it. She could be on the street in a matter of a month or two. I live in another state but would take her in without blinking. She put this kid through medical school and raised both children as a single parent giving them her all. Why has our children become so selfish? Not even food? It's disscusting. Even if a parent wasn't always the best parent, how many times did they forgive us our errors? After all, they are only human just like the rest of us.
1loving, It makes me wonder if mom has told her son. So many people are proud and do not nor do they expect help from children. If my mother understood why I am here with her, she would want me to live my own life and put her in a facility. But, what she does not understand is what that would mean, she would be very unhappy and probably difficult to control. They could always drug her to oblivion which would not be good for her. That is why there are so many that advocate to keep them home, where they are familiar, safe and comfortable.
Sure, there's a certain moral obligation to help our elderly parents, but there's certainly no obligation to give up LIFE for them. Unfortunately, that's usually what it boils down to. Children of elderly parents, especially those with alz/dementia can find themselves up to their eyeballs caring for them to the exclusion of all else, including having to give up their careers and jobs. No parent should require that of their child. I took care of my mom for over 10 years. I was 36-37 when I started to care for her and I'm 48 now. Had I known then what I know now I'd have run for the hills before I took on the role of caretaker. No amount of money in the world can give me back those years I lost. I'm glad that I could be there for her for her sake because I'm an only child and I was all she had and moral obligation and guilt hooked me into it. But the cost to me mentally, physically, emotionally and financially is beyond anything that anyone should ever ask of another human being. Period.
It seems very sad that a child wouldn't want to care for their parent if it was at all possible... I'm sorry, but a little inconvenience form time to time isn't too much to ask from a child that received nothing but love particularly if there's a sibling already doing more than their fair share.
Oh I see! - you mean siblings acting as auxiliary carers, taking over from time to time. Yes, you would have thought they'd want to, all else being equal, and it is sad for the parent; but then isn't part of the main caregiver's job making sure that that sadness doesn't reach the parent's consciousness? So you make excuses, you dredge up hypotheses about why so-and-so hasn't called or visited for weeks/months - scenarios that don't include his being a self-pitying, self-indulgent emotional fat-head who doesn't know he's born. It's certainly an aspect of this care-giving life that doubles my stress level from time to time.
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Oh, it can be nice to know they're getting expert care when they need it, can't it?
I'm sorry I took it out on you. You didn't deserve that.
My mom expected me to drive to her AL through a horrible blizzard yesterday where there were numerous accidents so I could bring her coleslaw and prunes! She didn't understand how I wouldn't drive there when her caregivers made it. I'm 10 miles further away in open country and cars were in the ditch all over.
Mom's a horrible narcissist and lays the guilt on me constantly, yet my brother's an angel because he calls once a week. It hurts, but my intention here is not to hurt others.
I realize everyone's situation is different and struggle every day not to let things get me down. Best wishes to you in your CG life.
Question for you if your brother did not make an empty promise when you first took mom in would you have made the same decision?
That's just a small part of it, but I feel bad for my son that we're stuck here. Meanwhile, my bro writes me e-mails chastizing me for not joining a church family as that will make things all better. That only serves to make me feel worse, like I'm a failure in my faith in God.
Even if I had the time to seek out this 'church family', I know my mother would not accept visits from strangers, so it's a moot point.
He just doesn't (or doesn't want to) get it. I'm moving towards acceptance of that. It's still a tough pill to swallow while feeling like he's judging me along with it.
Yes, things would be this way, with or without his promise. I've pretty much lived the life of an only child for 40 years. And yes, there have been benefits to that - all the good times I got to spend with my mom and dad over those years. I have a treasure of memories whereas he does not.
He did come over and stay with us in the months leading up to my dad's death from brain cancer and stuck with us until the house was sold. For that I am forever grateful. Very obviously he loved my dad the better of the two.
Your question really gives me something to think about, perhaps a different way of looking at things. Thank you for that.
First what your mom wants and what she and you NEED are two different things. You NEED a break with your family and mom will just have to adjust to someone in the home for a week or so or go to a facility that offered respite care so you can recharge. My mil is in the nursing home now for the next two months she has cataracts one was done and at end of Feb the other will be done. She didn't want to go there and she didn't want a nurse to be at the house. She wanted me to do the after care but after three years at this I have learned that my life and my family should not have to put things on hold because she needs care. Getting help from the church like your brother suggested isn't a failure in any way. Knowing when you deserve help knowing when the skills needed to care for mom can be best served by others is not failing. No one can do it all get the help from where ever it comes. You will be lesser stressed and don't feel guilty because you put yourself and your kid first. It ok to choose you over your mom's desires. It ok for her to not get everything she wants when she wants it. Its ok to say no this is how its going to be.
I love my mum but she is a diabetic and wont look after herself she wont let me control her meds so she is a danger to herself she cant live on her own anymore as dementia and diabetes is serious. I found her to be perkier in a NH as she was being looked after by professionals here at her home she does what she wants and she will die soon if this continues I want her in a NH so she will live longer but if she dosnt want to go how can we force her? THEN if something happens and noone is here we are responsible?? I know its crazy. Damned if you do...........
If my mum wants to stay in her home and die then who are we to argue but you can bet your last dollar that if she does fall or die the system will say this was elder abuse?
Nobody wants their parents in a home but if they are a danger to themselves then whats the solution?
Sometimes we hear the word grown-child and think of someone in their 40's. What about those of us who are in their mid 60's and 70's and see in the future being a caregiver to one or both parents? Seniors taking care of seniors.
Depending on the health and energy level of the senior aged caregiver, it's not like taking care of a small child who eventually learned to do things for themselves.
I have many a sleepless night worrying myself to death about what to do when my parents are no longer independent, where will they go. My parents are in their 90's so all their siblings have passed on. I am an only child so there is no back-up for me. Plus I never had any children. It's just me.
And now reading there may be a law where children are responsible for their elder parents care, that scares me even more because I have saved big time so that I would have good care when I become older. If I have to give most of that all away for my parents, who will take care of me?
One of the best things I ever did was read the book 'Boundaries'. It really helps to organize your thoughts about things and helps with the expectation/obligation/resentment issues that come up. I have had to have some tough conversations with my parents but I have to take care of myself too. We all do. One of the hardest things is convincing ourselves that's it's OK to take care of us.
Wish we could all get together at a caregiver's convention and talk in real time face to face. I think we all long for that or we wouldn't be here. AC is a great safety net, though it's not perfect.
You give good advice and I appreciate that. My mom is in an assisted living place - has been for 2 1/2 years - after I had to kick her out of our house. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. So I do have practice protecting myself and hubby and son. I visit her every other day which I need to step back from because the negativity is pretty bad.
My husband and I joined a caregiver's support group this winter, and I think it's kind of made me a little more agitated in looking at what I do. Everyone winces when they find out I'm doing this on my own. Perhaps I was better off in my ignorance. Everyone else in the group has a sibling or multiple siblings involved and THEY are burned out. I don't enjoy being the object of pity and this has reinforced my angst about my brother not being present, ever.
It's not so simple as finding a church and supporting people there which, as I said, he thinks will be a solution. He is in a religion that pretty much requires that you divest yourself of this world and your 'family' are only fellow believers. I am not that person. He is of the opinion that standard religions, Lutheran, Catholic, etc. are dead churches. That is his criteria for me and I am a failure in his eyes if I don't somehow transform myself to that ideal....and my mother...which is so freaking unreasonable and impossible.
Somehow, he saw our dad as 'good', but mom and I are heathens. My dad would kick his butt every which way to Sunday if he were still here today. He was the glue that held everything together. That's what keeps me sane in dealing with mom's nuttiness and bro's unreality. I know he's there in my heart and he taught me well in being positive, though I struggle . My mom and dad were polar opposites in their attitudes and the 'little lady' is chipping away at me.
So that's it - stuck between a narcissist and a brother that wants to save the world but rejects his own family because we're not worthy as we're not like him. And doesn't keep his promises to me, because, well, I'm not good enough.
I would settle for a normal absent sib instead of one who thinks my mom and I are going to #ell for not following him in his religion as he is now leader in the family with my dad gone. (Heh!) My dad never bought into bro's beliefs and thought him strange, really strange, but loved him just the same.
Enough electrons....
I wish you peace and lots of rest in the next two months. It's good you realized the aftercare was not in your wheelhouse for MIL. I don't know where elders get the idea we are schooled in nursing. Hopes and dreams, I guess. Will probably be there someday myself. Hope my son meets a nice girl. LOL
It just gets tiring being the only one responsible for your aging parent..
"Out of sight, out of mind" for siblings..
It makes me wonder if mom has told her son. So many people are proud and do not nor do they expect help from children. If my mother understood why I am here with her, she would want me to live my own life and put her in a facility. But, what she does not understand is what that would mean, she would be very unhappy and probably difficult to control. They could always drug her to oblivion which would not be good for her. That is why there are so many that advocate to keep them home, where they are familiar, safe and comfortable.
Oh I see! - you mean siblings acting as auxiliary carers, taking over from time to time. Yes, you would have thought they'd want to, all else being equal, and it is sad for the parent; but then isn't part of the main caregiver's job making sure that that sadness doesn't reach the parent's consciousness? So you make excuses, you dredge up hypotheses about why so-and-so hasn't called or visited for weeks/months - scenarios that don't include his being a self-pitying, self-indulgent emotional fat-head who doesn't know he's born. It's certainly an aspect of this care-giving life that doubles my stress level from time to time.