The guilt of having this thought on a regular basis is really tearing me apart. Caregiving has been really hard - I'm an only child, single, no kids, with a time-consuming job that I hate but which pays well enough that I can spend money on their care (home health aide, I take over FT when he has his days off) and employers who threatened to fire me in violation of state law when I said I may need some leave time.
I understand what is causing these thoughts, it is the ongoing sad situation I want to end, not my parents lives, but the thought still comes to me often and it's making me feel absolutely terrible. Everytime I try to read about these thoughts in an article, it says that you may "sometimes" have these thoughts. I have them daily and then I feel terrible. Are others in this boat?
She is in hospice with end stage Parkinson’s disease.
I am at peace with the inevitable.
No one has lived a ‘perfect’ life. Everyone has regrets unless they have a mental illness that prevents clear thinking and rational behavior.
Everyone has hurt others at some point in time, whether it has been intentionally or not.
Do I forgive mom for any of our past circumstances? I am happy to say, absolutely!
Could I have said that years ago? Most certainly not.
I held onto hurt and pain. I suppose at the time it made me stronger to be angry.
Let’s be honest, anger can lead to making positive decisions in our lives if it’s channeled properly.
Did I hold onto the pain on purpose to harm others or myself? Absolutely not.
We feel what we feel when we need to process it. That is completely understandable.
It becomes an issue if we become stuck.
So, what’s the remedy for being stuck?
For me, it was seeking therapy when I was ready to do so and being open to accepting constructive criticism, learning coping skills and finding ways to grow. That’s when I found peace, even in the midst of turmoil.
I know in my heart that my mom did the very best that she was capable of.
I know overall that she was a good mother and truly had our best interest at heart.
Yes, she made mistakes along the way. Who doesn’t while we are on this journey called life? I made my share of mistakes too. We all do!
I don’t deny making mistakes. Some people do deny any wrongdoing and will always blame others.
Am I bitter about the certain things in the past? I used to be. Not anymore.
It doesn’t make a bit of difference to me because I decided long ago to let go of the past and focus on my current life, my behavior and attitude over anyone else’s behavior.
What’s the old saying? “Sweep your own porch first, before telling someone else to sweep theirs!”
I am only responsible for myself.
I don’t want to carry the burden of being responsible for others. If I had figured this out years ago, I could have saved myself years of misery!
It pains me to watch others riddled in agony over other people’s behavior and truly make themselves utterly miserable.
I accept people as they are but If they become a disruption in my life, I cease being around them, without a care in the world. They are responsible for their actions.
I feel in my heart that no one wants to be remembered only for the mistakes they have made.
I love my mom. I always have. I remember the good times. I discard the rest.
What’s over is over. If someone continues to harm others then people have valid reasons to set boundaries in place.
All I want is for my mom to have a peaceful death that is free from pain.
No one lives forever. It is difficult to wait for the actual point in time that death happens.
Mom has been on this planet for 95 years! She’s ready to check out anytime that God calls her home to reunite with my father.
She will be buried in our family plot.
She will live in my heart forever just as my father does.
I also answer from the perspective of a 74 year old who is caring for a loved one who had a stroke on top of severe dementia. It is draining for me. I can only imagine how it is for a younger person who has their whole lives ahead of them. Take care and please don't feel terrible, our life spans are by nature limited.
I cherish the last couple of months of my mother's life. It was hard, I put her on hospice, at one point she didn't recognize me, but I also spent more time with her than I really had in my life. Her last words to me were to help her because she was in pain. I called hospice, they morphined her up and 2 days later she was gone. I made some good decisions, some mediocre decisions and some bad ones, but I don't regret much of it, in a way it was empowering because I was getting the crap beat of me in my job and it showed me I wasn't a moron, and I cherish that time, even the time she didn't recognize me.
My father is still around. He's pretty solid, healthy, but it has been a non-stop pity fest for 4 years. He's needy, mopy, and very frustrating because he fights everything you try to do for him. He's blind, can see a little, so he'll get frustrated that he can't read his bills, so I'll have them stopped, then he'll get mad that he doesn't know how much money he has or what his bills are. The after 6:00 PM calls are the worst because he gets himself frustrated trying to do something he can't do. Then he mopes some more.
And he won't ever stop hitting himself in the head with a baseball bat, metaphorically, because that's just what he's going to do.
And you know what? He's easy. He can still take care of himself. He has money, he's done beyond alright by me, and there are times where I sit there angrily talking to myself, out loud about what a pain in the a** he is. Usually it's about that time that I wander through here and post. :)
Meanwhile, some of you face far, far worse, and get nothing out of it but pain and suffering that can border on torture. I can't imagine having a live in parent with dementia that I had to bath, feed and clean up after who did some of the things I've read about. I have an aunt going through it with my uncle.
And I think some pretty negative things some times.
It's probably normal, doesn't mean you are a bad person, it's just a way to deal with things that are very hard to deal with. And this particular gig is maybe the hardest thing most people will ever do in their lives.
So now I'm nearly in that same spot with my DH...he's still at home but he is suffering too and quite emotional...hard to see this once proud strong man crying like a child day and night.
BTW, not advocating euthanasia.
my mom slowly started to turn into my grandmother. I finally left when my grandmother continuously tried to frame me for elder abuse. And they hired a caregiver so quickly and my sister got two fired because she wanted to do it because she wanted to get paid. My sister didn’t have to move in, do the extra work and my mom relieves her every weekend.
I have so much anger hurt and suffer so much from ptsd over the treatment. My whole body froze last time I allowed my mom to trick me into watching her and I caught her trying to push herself out of the chair. I have so much anger for her because she ruins every birthday and cause a fit and we can’t all celebrate because someone has to stay with grandmother who doesn’t want to go because she is angry but she doesn’t act that way on her own birthday. I can’t even have a real relationship because she tries to trick me into being the new full time caregiver which I made clear I am never putting myself through that hell again and as my mom she needs to understand. Grandmother had lived her life and traveled the world now she needs to enjoy the extra time she has and quit creating hate
Some people pre-grieve, some think about how better it would be if
their loved ones were to pass, and others contemplate suicide. Caregiving will
suck the life right out of you. My Mom's been gone for 6 months and dealing
with all the trustee duties can be just as grueling as caregiving and I am
still trying to sleep for more than 4 hours at a time, but she's not suffering,
and I have my life back! Good Luck and Stay Healthy..
My mother is 97, unable to care for herself and I do not have the facilities to care for her in my home. She was in assisted living but over the past two years she has become more frail and has had many falls. I finally had to move her to skilled care. I know in the past when we spoke about my mother in law (who was at that time 97) my mom stated she hoped she didn't live that long.
She is nearly blind, hearing is very bad and now in the past few months has become increasingly confused over things. Covid severely curtailed her and I know she is bored out of her mind. She just lays in bed all day waiting for me to visit. I do when I can but the SNF she is in has at times restricted visits due to cover. On top of that it is $10,500. a month and she is running out of money. I have no money at all and am barely subsisting on Social Security. She is not aware of the finances because I don't want her to worry.
Whe I become aware of thinking that way I stop and think what exactly is it that makes me feel that way. Worry over finances, knowing that your parents don't want to feel useless or you just want to get on with your life? I stop and think it through and then just let it go. Feeling guilty will only make it worse.
The reason I asked about your career is - I wondered if it was possible you could
1. - Return to school for career
2. - Work for your parents as a paid caregiver
A. Are either of your parents or yourself Veterans?
B. Medicare/Medicaid(sp) - may be able to assist if not Veterans (with the financial impact of caregiving)
C. If either of them qualify for PT/OT, etc., that can be scheduled (for them) at home and someone will come to the house.
D. Adult Day care (is sometimes free depending on where)
Not sure if any of this is helpful?
The other people in the group ALL said that they have these thoughts.
I pray DAILY for my mom to go to Heaven.
You are not alone.
Now that she's been gone for a while, I finally have more time to take care of myself and reflect on her last years. I no longer feel bad for having had those thoughts. Instead, I feel really satisfied at having made a horrible situation better. You are doing a world of good for your parents. Focus on creating good memories. Recruit helpers and allow yourself to take breaks and refresh yourself. There will be a lot of bad, but when it's all over, you *will* miss your parents, and you *will* cherish the better memories of this time.
So sorry for your losses. You sound like you are a very caring person and your family was blessed that you loved them so very much.