Follow
Share

Mom is old and three sisters in three different situations are fighting about caregiving. Each is counting how much they are spending on the parent and who is taking most care and who is not taking care at all .....

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
It's not often I quote Margaret Thatcher, but… "Rejoice!"

On the other hand, it must be a problem for you or you wouldn't be posting. Can you explain what difficulties this competition is causing, please?
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Count your blessings ..you must have a sweetheart of a mom :). May we all be so blessed to have parents fight to take ace of us :)
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Reserve a seat in the concierge section and enjoy the view!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Here's a question: does Mom fuel this? If she is the one that is instigating this, it is important for the sisters to understand this. Some parents enjoy the sibling rivalry and attention, so I'm just asking if that might be a factor.

Even after siblings recognize this, though, it's hard to remember that if Mom says "Caroline is doing so much more for me than you are, Susan, and I really love her so much for it" that it's still hard for Susan not to take it out on Caroline (names are all made up just for purposes of illustration).
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Yes, as Countrymouse says, more info needed!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Motives for taking care of a parent don't include that parent being especially nice, so I wouldn't count these folks lucky. Sometimes, it's from a sense of duty, sometimes, from guilt, yet other times, a true sense of competition.

If you're not involved, I wouldn't worry about it unless it's hurting your mom. Some families have a parent stay for one portion of the year with each person and that seems to work out for them. If they are caring in her home, I get the impression that they're spending money as some sort of competition with each other, but maybe that's an unfair guess.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

From my cynical point of view are these sisters trying to get control of Mom's money
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

It sounds to me like the sisters are more worried about who is spending the most money and doing the most care, as in "I'm spending more than you and doing more caring than you, cheapskate!" Insinuating, or maybe coming right out and saying, that the other one or two should do more of their fair share. Make it even. However, as Pkarti stated, the sisters are all in different situations, so it's likely that everything can't be totally even. The sisters just have to get it resolved that it isn't always fair and even in life....duh! And they just have to step up to the plate and do the best they can for the Mom, hopefully not letting her see the arguing going on about who has the heaviest load. Maybe YOU, as a third neutral party, could attempt to explain it to the sisters so they don't get their Mom in the fracas, and make her feel like she's a big problem being shifted around. :) Good luck to you.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Tell them it's time to stop fighting and time to have a calm, repectful joint family forum to discuss moms care, future care needs and caregiving expenses to be fair to all.

Agree to some ground rules. Then lay it all out and decide how to divide up care, expenses evenly. This might mean time, chores, respite care, monthly expenses. If it means helping the primary caregiver by hiring outside help, arranging services, hiring a housekeeper, paying for senior daycare, respite care, etc...then do so. If it means everyone chips in $X/mo, then do so...if one can't pay, then can you consider documenting all expenses, and then that share will be deducted from the final estate in the end. Maybe one family is on a sliding scale, maybe they can provide time by taking mom or coming to your house and taking care of mom for 2 weeks annually.

This family bickering isn't unusual or unwarranted and is necessary to even the playing field as there is always someone feeling more burdened or taken advantage of. For the sake of the relationship, best to try and work it out.

Consider best interest of mom, what mom is comfortable with and how to provide some balance for care giving.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

sigh
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter