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She can't say exactly why & has depression, anxiety, Parkinson's & on coumadin.

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If you're convinced that there's nothing wrong with her except the vague "I don't feel good" try commiserating with her: "I'm sorry you don't feel well, Mom. Is there anything I can get you?" Or, "Are you having any pain?"

I work in home healthcare and I hear "I don't feel good" all the time. After I've ascertained that there is no specific physical complaint I say something like what I wrote above. My patient gets heard and their complaint is addressed.

People with depression can have aches and pains throughout their body. There are a few medications on the market that might help. Has your mom signed over her HIPPA rights so you can speak to her Dr.'s office? Try talking to them and seeing about getting your mom on a medication that addresses her aches and pains. Not an opiate pain reliever but an anti-depressant that alleviates muscle and joint pain.
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Thank you, Eyerishlass.... I have tried to get more details out of her and all I can get is that it's in her stomach and may be nausea.... no pain. Yes, I can speak to the doctor and have during her visits. He gave her meds for nausea which don't seem to do much to alleviate the problem. Then he referred her to a GI doc but we cancelled the day of appt. because she had a headache. I am sceptical about GI doc because of unpleasant tests they would want to do. She has been on anti-anxiety and anti-depressants for years.
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Jan, I can so relate. My mother has been saying she doesn't feel good every day for 5.5 years now. She would also say the same on the phone for a few years before I came to live here. So she has not been feeling good every day for at least 15 years now. It isn't just with me. She tells everyone she talks to on the phone or in person that she doesn't feel well that day. If someone asks her how she feels, the stock answer is "Not so good." Occasionally she will say "Fair," but that is as good as it gets.

The trouble is that when someone always says they feel bad, it's hard to judge when they really do. My mother has a long-term anxiety disorder and sometimes I think she takes the pains of aging and turns them into harbingers of death. She has always dwelt on symptoms, so growing old is hard for her with all the worry it brings to her.
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I get the same thing. I agree with Eyerishlass on a positive statement. I usually say something like, "I'm sorry you don't feel well. Is there something I can do for you?" Then I suggest that she might feel better if she gets something in her stomach and then try to divert her with a suggestion of an outting. A lot of times she is bored (she gets cabin fever) and the only thing she has to focus on is aches and pains and real or imagined ailments.
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Oh gosh I have this at least 15 times a day - I have a headache, my head hurts, you dont know what its like to have a headache (OH REALLY?) My headache isnt going away can I have some tablets for my headache.

Now we have done every tests known to man and a few only animals know about I am sure and there is absolutely nothing wrong. CT Scan - zip, MRI nada, its not migraine, its not the heat because she gets it in the cold, its not her eyes because she has had the cataract op. So yesterday I called the doc out because I need to be sure (even if I am sure)

He said where is the headache. I dont have one she said - WHAT?!!!! Well those pills take it away WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT??????

Well he decided to up her antidepressants and gave mne a new script but he forgot to sign it - although to be fair i hadnt noticed.

He hadnt been gone 2 minutes when he realised and popped his head round the door just as she was starting on the my head hurts again. CAUGHT IN THE ACT. Well he was there prodding and poking her everywhere - I could see she was getting really cross (and I did smirk inside however malicious that makes me sound). After an hour he prescribed nothing more than he did originally but told her she needed to do more exercise instead of just wallowing in self pity - I nearly fell off the chair then he said dont you think your daughter has enough to do without you making up stories about headaches all the time? Oh I love this man - he does know what she is like - he has seen it for himself - Mother is now very grumpy but she DOESNT HAVE A HEADACHE YAY!
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I don't feel good either.
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Aw Sendme2help come and join me on the judge's bench you will soon feel better!
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I really do feel for you. I have a family member, not the one with dementia, but someone who does not have dementia, who says it all the time. Almost every minutes she is complaining of one pain or the other. She will say she is as sick as a dog and has stomach pain, but within 5 minutes, she's eating a sandwich and chips. It's nonstop. I will tell that normally, when no actual problem can be found by doctors, the condition is brought on by some mental disorder. Often stress, anxiety, depression, etc. can cause the person to feel all those pains and illness.

I've done extensive research and discussed it with my loved one's doctor. Medication and psychotherapy are recommended. Often there is some emotional pain from childhood that starts this condition. The biggest problem is to get them to accept the truth and into treatment.

One of my other family members had conversion disorder. It was causing him to have seizures. After many tests, he was diagnosed by a psychiatrist and placed on medication. It was like a miracle and it only had one incident since then and that was about 2 years ago.
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She doesn't feel well because she has Parkinson's and Depression, that is not a mystery. But it is difficult being constantly reminded. It is difficult, that you cannot fix it. Pray for patience, respond to her statements with a change of subject.
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Easier said than done,I can relate to all above and have tried all but I think personality has a lot to do with it.
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You mean, we have to do all the physical labor, the grocery shopping, the doctor's appointments, the finances, the housekeeping, the yard, the dishes, the legal will, dnr, report to the siblings without being defensive and explain yourself, drive the person around; AND LISTEN TO THEM? And then, we have to be nice too! Well, that is just impossible, there is no way I can be nice too. Judge Jude will agree!
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JanMarie, can your mother be cheered up sometimes? Distracted? Watch t.v., and then complain only between shows? I can understand how your attention is constantly required, but you have to find a way to take breaks away. Everyone gets tired at some time, you are no different, it is normal.
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Not so much as you think Send although you did forget the caring part like bathing washing creaming disimpacting bowels changing sheets, cleaning up after leaks of urine and faeces, soiled pads dealing with feet, cutting nails, cleaning dentures clearing up vomit (I dont have that one luckily) etc - you know - the stuff we all find so easy to do - NOT!!!!!. My bitch comes from the following.

I have eventually got a lawyer to agree that I am entitled to be on the deeds but ti was too late because Mum has dementia.

Actually being nice to my mother is a bloody sight more easy than being nice to the professionals.

New legislation yesterday re POAs in UK mean that if a professional acts as POA they automatically get paid - they wont do it without let's face it....however familial members don't have that automatic right ffs.

So because I 'love' a mother who allowed her cousin to abuse me when I was 8 has destroyed my adoption papers and birth certificate and humiliated me in front of almost everyone I ever cared about , who has consistently told me I am never good enough and how almost EVERYONE else is better than me, who passed next of kinship (that's not the right term because next of kin is not a legal term in UK despite it being used a lot) over to me so that I had to sign for Dad's morphine to be administered knowing it would kill him, now it would seem I have no rights at all and furthermore they can examine anything at any time for signs of abuse well that's just grand.

The carer's assessment says I need respite yet my mother's refusal to go overrides it - deep joy

Yesterday they sent round a careworker to 'see' Mum - no phone call no appointment. I wasn't exactly polite - I told her to come back when she had a warrant...
I don't need one.
Well you aint coming in unless you have something that demonstrates to me your right of access
So she begrudgingly produced her card - To be fair I was just being ornery I had seen it before and did know she could request to see Mum
Well she came in and I was polite I offered her tea....she said I am not stopping long I just want to check your Mum is OK and happy

Fatal
Mum is not happy - she has a headache and noone cares - care-giver aka me shows prescription doc written yesterday that demonstrates I called the doc out
Her legs are stiff - well she refuses to do the exercises
Her back hurts - ditto re prescription
She is sore below - well I started to grin cos I KNEW she wasn't going to want to look - Mum if you get on the bed I can show this nice lady what you mean (grins inwardly) so I did and there were not tears, no sore places and all was beautifully smooth and creamed AS ALWAYS

The lady left within 2 minutes - care worker my arse


The only thing that is good is that they can't throw me out of the house if mum goes into care - they can however force me to sell it once she dies and if all the moenyis gone then they don't give a toss. Oh it's much easier to be nice to mother than any other b^$£&*d. Sorry for the rant guys I am just well ticked off (p!$$ed off, fed up beyond belief, and any other really rude words you want to add to that!)
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Actually Send you're right being nice can be difficult but I tend to be worse with the authority figures than I am with my mum
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My Mother has not "felt well" in my entire life. I have never heard her voice "I feel great" or "good" or "Ok". ALWAYS something weird and un-diagnosable. We do try to divert her, but she is consumed with herself. All you can do is say you're sorry and divert the topic. JudeAH53---I want your mom's dr to talk to my mom. He sounds amazing. Oh, but Mother has never had a depressed day in her life (so she says---so why were we on "suicide watch" for 10+ years?)
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Midkid its that narcissistic tendency that drives you crazy isn't it. This particular doctor is a black African and I love him to bits. Sadly not all in his practice adopt this approach and do the there there let's make it better approach.
I think realistically if she would do more and try more she would think less about herself but she likes to wallow in self pity. If I take her out for the day or spend the whole day and I mean the entire day with her talking to her about abolute 5h1t then she doesn't get the headaches so they are psychosomatic.

I just know that she won't allow this darling doc in the house again - she now 'hates' him. Now who would have thought it!?
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Jude--you are amazing!! I could not, and would not take that kind of care of my mother (and I worked in Elder Care as a professional!) if she were as ornery as your mum. (I LOVE British terms). Wow--I was a good mother probably b/c I had such a lousy example in mine. Our mothers sound a lot the same, the narcissistic personality that reigns supreme. I remember once, going to her place to help her bathe and there she stands, buck naked in the bathroom with my sweet brother scrubbing her down--she was almost "peacocking" --so proud as if to say "Look at me, my scars, my broken down body-- the result of my horrible, horrible life b/c of you KIDS!". So I just glove up and start scrubbing away. She had no shame, no sense of propriety---and this was like, 8 years ago, when she was "with it". She is always happy to show you her new scars, rashes, whatever. My poor father. What he went through. She hates that we all adored him. Well, sadly, we learn that what goes around, comes around. I find you amazing in your ability to at so strong and kind of "laugh it off". I'm exhausted by mother--and have the ability to take a break from her. I wish you could join me!!
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OOOOH be careful what you wish for Midkid!!!! Yep same type of behaviour - my mum does her damnedest to hide her dementia too - I am not quite sure how she knows to do this but she does it often...it's like she expends tremendous effort in showing her nice side to outsiders but then behind closed doors it all goes out the window as though hse is now too tired to be nice any more.

My dad was THE best and yep Mum really hates that I adored him. Im not that strong it is quite a tough veneer when I am fighting for my mum but I find it much more difficult to fight for me because the system is so totally geared against carers. There is an EXPECTATION that is totally institutional that because your parent gave birth to you and raised you (huh yeah right) you SHOULD WANT to be their care-giver. JINGS THAT MAKES ME SO MAD. As many on here know I took on the role because I promised my Dad I would - would I have otherwise? Hell no! Humour (on line only I might add) is my only outlet. I guess inside I am funny but it never comes out in real time. I appear as a mardy old cow with a vitriolic temper and occasional suicidal feelings - thats on a bad day when just about everything is going wrong.

I have to say trying to sell and buy a property as well is making it a little tougher than usual but hey these things were sent to try us
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Jude--
Things in the UK seem so different from the USA. I mean, yes, we are "expected" to care for our parents (which, considering that after about the age of 3 I was pretty much raised by neighbors, sibs and wolves) but they can and will linger for decades. My dad had Parkinson's and that horrible disease robbed him of his dignity and love of life long before it took his life. It was an HONOR to care for him, he was thankful for every single act of service. During that time, Mother just seethed. We all take good care of her, she's just a pill. I wanted her placed in a NH last year after a terrible result from hip replacement. I got outvoted 4-1. Of COURSE the other sibs want her to be in brother's house--if we put her in LT care, they'd have to pony up some money and altho 2 of my sibs are stinking rich, they are also kind of cheap. She did end up back "home" and brother is OK with her living there, even bedbound, which I am sure will happen. He does benefit financially from her, so I know that is somewhat a driving force. She can take care of about 50% of her own needs, but that number is sliding. Anyhow, since I am taking a break from her, I need to focus on my own family and myself healing. I feel for you, Jude----glad you have this outlet and hope you have others, too. I forget--you an only child or just an only caregiving child?
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Mid I am not an only child but my brother is not allowed within 1 mile of mum. He is a nasty piece of work and she is so scared of him she says dont let him in I dont want to see him. Im actually quite glad about that because he and I have a history best not gone into but I loathe the man, as do his 2 kids and his 2 ex wives. When your own mum your sibling your kids and your wives all loathe you - it's time to recognise youre the problem!

Last time he broke the injunction he knocked on the door and sais oh you living here now then? A very firm 'yes and you shouldn't be here' was my reply. Mum was hiding upstairs but she still heard his next words. 'I thought the old cow might have died by now'.
'Well you thought wrong matey now 'go away''

You all know me well enough to know I didnt use the words go away but it had the same meaning!

I rang his probation officer and explained that I wasn't going to bring cxharges this time but next time I would. The guy was pretty nice about it and said would we consider mediation -
erm not a chance in hell.
He is homeless you know...
and your point is?
He gave up then and brother has not been seen since that was about 5 years ago
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Holy Moly!!! I'm so glad I'm not you guys. I mean that in the nicest way. But I fear sometimes that my Hubby's mom might land on our door step one day expecting to live with us. I told my Hubby if that ever happens I will move out. (and I mean it)

She is everything you have described and more.
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After reading this post, I almost feel guilty calling myself a caregiver, some of you really have a place in heaven. Anyway, I have a special needs (high functioning) 65 yr old BIL. Since mom passed last year he lives by himself but the family helps with his meals. He tells us he is sick when he doesn't want to go somewhere. Anyway, stomach hurting for a week, I really didn't believe it was true but asked if he wanted to go see the doc. He said no but called crying after a week the pain was so bad. I took him to the doc that day and was told that most times it is gastritis and him a prescription antacid. Said most times it is better in a day but if he still had it to call on 3rd day. The next day he said 100% better. Just thought I would throw this out there because I honestly thought he was faking.
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Patrice good that you called the doc. I do periodically but Mum has had dozens of test for all manner of things and nada nothing wrong at all. So then we get into do they think she is really hurting? If so what do THEY think the cause is? My doctor was honest enough to say after all the tests they were no nearer finding a reason. He could only offer to up the pain relief and antidepressants which he has done but that spaces Mum out a little
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Oh, Jude, your brother sounds just like my oldest brother--who has passed, so it seems pointless to talk about him--but his 3 (maybe 4, we'll never actually know) ex-wives and his 5 kids just hated him. He was Mother's favorite, without question. Due to a lot of really nasty stuff from our childhoods and stuff with his step kids ("abuse" is the kindest thing I can call it) and his outright theft from our homes and Mother's, he was NOT welcome at family functions and not allowed in any of our homes unless the men of the house were home. Mother never accepted this and when he died two years ago (and I took her to his "funeral") she turned to me on the drive home and said "Are you happy now? YOU drove him away. YOU might just as well have killed him". (Not the other kids who were just as abused as I was, me and me alone). I told her "I haven't seen or spoken to him in 12 years. I am sorry he CHOSE the path in life that he did". Again, Mother choosing to look at a situation and place all the blame on me. Because I am there. Because I will occasionally speak up. She babied this guy--went so far as to drive him to college every day so he wouldn't have to take the bus like the rest of us...he used her and stole from her constantly. As it was he practically bankrupted them--that's why they had to sell their home and move in with my younger brother. At least the outright theft stopped, but Mother gave this loser money to the day he died. Her choice, but it rankled the rest of us. And, oh, he wasn't challenged in any way--had a BS, PhD and MD. Didn't want to live a "normal life"...like the rest of us "fools". (Whew, I guess I've had that bullet in the chamber for a bit) He did nothing, and I mean NOTHING to help with Daddy's or Mother's care but give them grief. So I GET the whole "estranged" family member thing.
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Jan Marie just want to address your concern about going to see a GI You are certainly correct about unpleasant tests but they can be done under sedation and light anesthetic so the patient knows nothing about them. There is no prep for an upper endoscopy except withholding food and fluids for 8 hours prior. The coloonoscopy of course does have a more unpleasant prep and there is no getting away from the need to cleanse the bowel. However it can be done at the same time as the endoscopy under the light anesthesia. The patient wakes up in minutes and is alert with no after effects except gas. The upper GI tract can be looked at under x-ray while swallowing vaious thicknesses of barium, it does tast a little chalky but will be flavored with her choice and is no worse than chewing an antacid. If the rs are looking at swallowing difficulties again a simple test under x-ray where she will be given different thickness of food to eat mixed with some barium which is masked by the foods for example a chocolate chip cookie. A CT scan can also be done which does mean lying on a stretcher and being pushed into a huge donut shaped machine. No where near as restricting as an MRI. They may wish to use a contrast material if they want better clarity and for this they will put up an IV and during the exam will inject a die. Anyone who is very nervous can be given a sedative 1/2 hour before the exam. An MRI is not usually used for GI problems but basically the same procedure as a CT scan but the tunnell of the machine is much smaller and more restrictive and many people find this difficult even with sedatives and it is extremely noisy with a lot of clattering and banging.
So my advice would be to go ahead with the GI visit and see what they want to do and after they have explained it to your and the patient's satisfaction go away and research the tests and decide which if any the patient wants to go ahead with. Do not be bullied by the Dr. Try any medications that are prescribed at least for a few days and see how things go. As long as there are no bad side effects try things for at least a week before deciding they are not helping and in the case of antidepressent give them at least 2-3 weeks to achieve their full effects. make sure to look everthing up for yourself so you can watch for side effects and be sure there are no interactions with medications already being prescribed. For example the antibiotic Cipro must not be given with coumadin because it increases the effect and can lead to serious bleeding. As always buyer beware and satisfy yourself. The main complaints about the medical profession these days seems to be they either blow of the complaints of the elderly or order a load of unesessary tests when the elder is already too debilitated to undergo any treatment.
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If the doctor can find nothing wrong with your mother, I wouldn't worry much about her complaints. My mother has been complaining of not feeling well (especially in the morning) for at least 20 years. She is one of the healthiest people I know, never gets sick, has no meds and the doctor said she is amazing to have nothing wrong with her - nothing at all except old age (except depression and is now on Zoloft, which has helped). Some of it is old age, but most of it has been her negative attitude about everything and depression. I think its pretty typical for seniors to feel bad in the morning. Also in Mom's case, she has no interests, never has, so she focuses entirely on herself and saying she feels bad is partially habit because she is bored with herself and has absolutely nothing to look forward to when she gets up (by her own choice not to participate). One thing we notice is that in the morning she answers the phone like she is dying. Two minutes later, she sounds fine. Distraction from her focus on how she feels seems to work every time. Her "feeling bad" seems to go away immediately. Maybe distracting your mother might help?
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My hunch is that she will benefit from lots of TLC, Tender Loving Care, in the form of words as so well suggested by other commenters...I have the same thing from my invalid wife who cannot speak..she makes a circle around her face indicating she is dizzy...I hug her and say tender things and tell her we are going to have new bodies in heaven and live on a corner lot with a white picket fence out front with roses intertwined among and between the pickets...she smiles and gets on with her normally upbeat attitude towards life...her indication of dizziness is not a complaint as much as it is just to inform me that she is feeling punk.

Grace + Peace,
Bob
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Ok for nausea there is a product that you can buy. It is a life changer for my family. I found out about it when I had surgery. It begins with quease. I don't work for the company and I don't know anyone that does. My nurse told me that breathing in the smell hijacks your senses. I love it! I have them placed one upstairs and one down. I have one to take out on the rare occasion we leave the house.I take meds for nausea, too.
I say I don't feel well 6 or more times a day. I have CI as does my 82 year old momma. But I don't feel heard, silly as that sounds.
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Before my husband had by pass surgery then stroke 3 days later, he said his back hurt most everyday. If I or someone got a cold the. He's is getting a cold but most times didn't. I knew he did this for attention. I told him too that I probably would t take him seriously if he was sick. The morning of heart attack we were taking a walk and he stopped and put his hand to his chest. I did say I'll get the car and you wait here but I did t take it to serious.y. He said no and we got home then got phone call from family to go 4- wheeling. He was loading up the 4- wheeler and bent over the seat and I said we don't have to go but he wanted too. So if he didn't make such a big deal about every little a have and pain I would of had him At hospital that day. He drove himself to hospital next morning after I went to work. Now after stroke he is worse although it's never his back, it's his leg from nerve damage and headaches from med's. So it depends on personality and stroke makes him more a child. listen to them as if it's your own child. I remind him of pain pills he's allowed 3 a day. Yes I hear I don't feel good most everyday day too. He's 73, I'm 63.
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My mom has is always complaining about not feeling well. She is weak and shaky EVERY time I call her. She lives in an assisted living facility that has a nurse 24/7, so I tell her to push her button for help and assistance. Prior to her moving here, she was in an independent living facility. I would end up dragging her into the doctor's office, just to find out that there was nothing wrong. I would have to take time off from my job and miss out on family time. I grew very resentful of her behavior. My brother called it her "wounded bird" routine. She knew if she told me she was I'll, I would come running.
Now that her Alzheimer's is progressing, it is magnified! I get tired of the same discussion every I call or go to see her. It depresses me because I want her to be happy and enjoy her life. That is why I moved her to an assisted living facility with memory care....figuring they could make things better. Not a chance and now I'm paying THREE times what I was paying for her care. It is very discouraging. I wish there was an easy answer because the guilt of not being able to help her find happiness is a real drain on my well being, too.
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