My dad is 83 and he and my mom live together. She has vascular dementia. He has always done whatever she said to keep peace. Now the dementia is causing her to be compulsive and urgent. He does whatever she asks. I think he's to old for this. He'll drive her 100 miles to visit someone that isn't expecting her, take her to 8 stores looking for a certain non existent item, and do excessive yard work, etc.. Now she sometimes doesn't recognize him, then demands that he not let that "other stanger" back in the house. He just agrees. How much is too much for an old man?
Do your parents have enough savings to budget having a caregiver come to the house to give your Dad a break? Or are your parents too proud to bring in help. My parents were "we can manage" but in total denial that they couldn't.
Time for them to downsize to a smaller residence... I know, easier said then done. I couldn't get my parents out of their house, even with them being fall risks. But it is worth a try. Could your parents afford to move to senior living? Depending on location, places then to run $4k to $7k per month... yes, sticker shock.
I would be worried that something could happen to your Dad. Caregiving can make someone physically and emotionally crash and burn. Between 30-40% of caregivers die leaving behind their love one that they were caring. Time to get on the thinking caps.
I believed secretly my Dad was ready to downsize to senior living but my Mom refused to move. I would show her brochures of lovely 55+ communities, and she would say "maybe in a couple of years".... HELLO, you and Dad are in your mid-to-late 90's.... guess Mom would move when she is 100 :P
Did your parents have siblings that lived until a very old age in their own homes? How about their own parents? My Dad's Mom lived on her own until 91, even breaking a leg at 90 on the stairs didn't change her mind about moving. She just moved her bedroom to the main level bedroom.
Sadly, sometimes we just need to wait for that dreaded telephone call that someone needs to go to the ER for a serious health issue or serious fall.
What he is getting right is the just agreeing with her about the strangers. Never argue with dementia, it's a waste of breath. But that doesn't mean following all the orders, it just means ignoring them or diverting your mother's attention from them.
I'll bet your dad has always accommodated your mom's wishes and I'm not sure that he'll stop now. Can someone check in with him to see if they can drive your mom around instead of him driving her? Can you sign her up for a dementia daycare, if one is in your area? Have you contacted your local senior center for information? They are a wealth of information.
Can you contact HIS doctor and inform him/her of your dad caregiving your mom, asking if (s)he would intervene and counsel your dad, suggesting he get relief. Sometimes the elderly will listen to a doctor but no one else.
Unfortunately, freqflyer is right, you can't intervene with your dad's way of doing things, unless you can prove him incompetent.