I moved him 3000 miles to live with my husband and I since where he lived, he had pushed everyone that ever cared about him, away. He tries to make them responsible for his misery and when they can't "fix" his emotions, he lashes out at them and they leave. I am the only one left who had an ounce of concern for him so we agreed that he would live with my husband and I, and now he is doing the same with us. He picks fights with my husband (barges into the bedroom or washroom), throws away food that I cook him only to blame me for his hunger after, and many other irrational behaviors. I know he is hurting but it hurts me more to see his misery. Does anyone have any tools that I can use to help keep me focused on loving him (instead of hating him which is that point I am at right now). I know I cannot change him. I know I am not responsible for his feelings. I know he needs love as he never had it growing up. I do not want to leave him despite his displacing his anger on us. I just want help finding a different perspective in which to see him so I don't kill myself in the process. Any thoughts?
You nor anyone is responsible for other people's emotions. We can't take responsibility for their feelings as if they were our own feelings. That part of codependency is called enmeshment. Know that you didn't make your dad the way he is. You can't control how he is. And you can't fix how he is. All you can really do is to take care of you in choosing a healthy path with the outlook of if he wants to make such a change in his life fine and if not fine. Yes, his misery would trigger you less if you took care of you first and basically detach from his issues with love. Plus, you can't be the loving mommy that he evidently never had. Sorry, but if someone barged into my wife and I's bedroom, I would find them another place to live very soon. I don't know what your dad's diagnosis is, but maybe he needs a level of care and oversight that ya'll are not equipped to give 24/7 which is no fault of your own. Where did this idea of doing enough to make up for being born come from? That is a false premise for feeling any sort of guilt. I'm not a therapist, but I've been in therapy for almost 9 years now dealing with family of origin issues primarily with my mom and me as an only child. Thus, I can say from experience that just knowing about codependency in one's head is often not enough. So, I would strongly encourage you to see a qualified counselor and by that I mean someone really trained and who does therapy all the time, but not a pastor, etc. for one thing they usually aren't that trained in this area and for another thing don't have the time to invest in this deep of stuff.
Thanks for all the insight everyone.
Do you have either Durable or Medical POA over your mother? My almost 80 year old mother would like to go home also. But she's there because of the doctor's order and the doctor with the nursing home is not going to make an unsafe discharge because it would make the nursing home and the doctor liable for anything that happened to her if she were to go home right now. I would imagine the staff has dealt with this before. I'd strongly recommend not going every day. That is not doing you or her any real good, but particularly you. If you don't have POA, then guardianship is your only other recourse. The doctor who helped you put her there and mostly likely the nursing home doctor will have to make notarized statements to the effect that your mother is no longer competent to handle her affairs in a business like manner and will have to testify in court. Right now though, you need some refreshing of energy for yourself and the journey before you now. I"m an only child also and know how hard it is for us not to be overly responsible and forget to take care of ourselves. Take care.