Transitioning my spouse to a care facility. Any advice?

I feel your sadness.
I just made the decision to admit my wife to Long Term Care.
It hurts down to my soul.
If you are not already part of a caregiver support group, I recommend you find one. It helps to talk to people in the same situation.
Micjael

Terrysmellgood: Dear man, huge prayers and hugs coming to you tonight. I know this has to be a very difficult decision for you, but you ARE doing the right thing for your bride. The disease of dementia is horrible and could be even more so for the family and friends of the individual with the disease. I lost my sister in law to the disease last March. Actually she had contracted the Novel Coronavirus from which she could not recover.

I'm sorry for your anquish and hurt! It's obvious, you are a very good husband! Is there any way you could live very close to the facility and see her as much as possible? would you be able to spend a day or nite with your wife every week,- for both your sakes? check into what is available for you, in this situation bc your are the one who seems to realize more than your spouse. Good Luck and God Bless you!

Was wondering if it might be less stressful if your bride moves into Memory Care straight from your old home and doesn't have an opportunity to get acquainted with the new home?

You might want to discuss your plans for her and yourself with an Elder Law Attorney. A joint appointment with a Geriatric Psychiatrist will give you both an opportunity to learn more about which medications can be helpful for the transition and what may be helpful in other situations.

Montessori is a wonderful learning program for children, I wouldn't expect anything less for adults: didn't know it existed, but that's great. They may have suggestions for games that she could use at the facility.

We are all human..............we must decide how much stress we can cope with. There is no point in two people dying from one disease; be grateful for all that you've had and learn about the 5 stages of Grief, if you're not already familiar.

Be well.

I feel for you. I just spent 5+ years caring for my mother approximately 8 hours every day while she was in a nursing home. (One exception: 6 months during COVID -- denying her my care was actually illegal and contrary to guidance by the FL nursing home regulatory agency.)

My mother was severely limited: blind, immobile, and unable to initiate communication or requests, though she could hear, comprehend, and respond in some fashion up until a month or two before she departed.

The facility also had an assisted living unit and a memory support unit.

MY ADVICE: Visit with her as much as as frequently as you can. The staff will notice. It is the only thing that will diminish the amount of institutionalized neglect that runs rampant in most LTC facilities.

I watch this forum with interest. My wife has dementia and is also bed bound. She does not read or watch tv just lies in bed and stares. Sometimes I read how to extend their life but I have to wonder if that is really what they want. Their former personality may so no but now in a memory impaired state are the really happy in their fantasy land. I know it is easy to put them somewhere where it is someone else’s problem but are you really doing it for them or yourself.

You are wise to place your spouse where she can get reliable care. Her saying "Don't throw me away" had to tear your heart out!

Can you help her feel like her "new room" is where "the nurse will help me take care of you?"

I placed my husband of 57 years at an excellent Memory Care facility on July 5. He was diagnosed with moderate to late Alzheimer's two years earlier. During the two years prior to July 5, I had in-home caregivers. When the in-home caregivers from two different agencies failed to "care" for my husband, I enrolled him in the only Adult Day Health Care facility in a metropolitan area with a population of over 6 million residents. At first the ADHC facility was fine. My husband wasn't thrilled about attending at first. After several months he hated it for too many reasons to list here. During the time he was attending ADHC my son, daughter-in-law, and granddaughter visited seven Continuing Care facilities. We told my husband what we were doing and reported back to him how we felt. From the beginning of our search, we told my husband that we would narrow our search down to our top two choices based on a matrix that we had developed and that he would get to choose which facility he would like to live in. After my family and I visited the seven facilities, we revisited four of them three times. During the six months it took to do our search, we talked to my husband about our findings and why we had chosen the top two for his visits. As promised, my husband and I visited the top two facilities two times together. He didn't choose the one I thought he would. The reason he gave for choosing the facility where he contentedly lives now was surprising. The reason he chose the facility he did: The residents at the facility he chose were friendly and welcoming. Immediately after placing my husband, I got Covid. I couldn't visit him for 12 days. Physically, I was a wreck and didn't know it. After Covid, I found out how run down I was physically. Nearly two months later, I am still a wreck physically. Meanwhile my husband has gained weight, goes to activities three times a day, and feeds the quail with his "gang," (two other men and four women residents.) Thank goodness my family and I placed my husband when we did; otherwise, I may not have been here to help place him. There is no guarantee that we will outlive our spouses with dementia.

Sorry to learn about your wife's condition, for better or worse, richer or poorer. Our forum looks out for you. My prayers for your wife and you.

So happy you wrote. Just two weeks ago I transitioned my husband of 30 years from home care with myself/aides to residential care. Despite the much better care he is receiving and the lessened burden on me, my heart is broken and he of course wishes to be home. Taking this step is very difficult when you have built your life around someone. The good news is you are close by. I spend time with my husband each evening and more on the weekends. Every treatment/care facility is different. The programming offers much needed mental stimulation for dementia. We are fortunate to have the best near us with 24/7 nurses and aides on duty. It took a good week for my husband to get used to the new surroundings and routine. I am told it usually takes much longer. I have tears and fight tears everyday from my thoughts of him in a new place and my loneliness of being at home. While I can’t yet figure out my new routine, I do not miss for one second the wear and tear on my emotional and physical health resulting from taking care of him at home. It is a hard, confusing time for us both. I am grateful we are in a position to do this for him, for me. So many cannot. It doesn’t make it any easier. I wish you godspeed.

Hi, I'm close to transitioning my wife of over 51 years to a memory care facility. She has developed Dementia, started around eight years ago, and for quite some time now, sever. Yes, it is a hard decision to make, as many and even some of the medical staff have recommended it some time ago. I was hoping to keep here at home for as long as I can; however, it is very difficult, even with her meds which seem don't make much difference anymore. My feelings go out to all others who have and are making this decision regarding a terrible disease. I thank the good Lord for each day we have had together.

You are very lucky if there is room for her. Visit as often as you can . and pray a lot. You will miss her at home but you probably need a breather. Most of all remember why you married her.

My husband is not suffering from dementia. He has a progressive neurological disease which at some point will become fatal. He is at the point now where it takes two people to get him out of bed and he has to have everything done for him. He cannot do any ADLs. Right now. I have 40 hours a week of caregiving to help me. But it is likely that in the future he will become bedridden. Consequently I am looking for a placement for him for the fall because by that time I believe it will be too difficult to care for him in our house. This decision is the most difficult that I have ever made in my life. Even after we knew he had this illness, I promise to care for him at home. However, it is more difficult to do so than I had ever imagined. He understands and is willing to do what I need to do on his behalf. This does not make it any easier. I plan to spend every day with him when he is in a care facility. It is just that I cannot be alone with him anymore. It is not safe. Oh my goodness, just writing this all out for this group is difficult because it is a public declaration of what I'm going to do. We will be married 55 years as of next week. I've known him since I was 17 years old. The thought that he will not be in this house with me is overwhelming. Yet I know I need to do this for his safety and mine. These decisions are never easy and no one can understand what a person goes through to make a placement decision like this. All we can do is wish each other well with the decisions we make.

You have my prayers. Visit her as often as possible during the day. Your presence will help her transition.

Very similarly, I my wife moved into an MC facility 7 months ago after 33 years of marriage. Her diagnosis of EOA came just 5 years previously. Although I took care of her for the last 3 years at home, it became clear that she needed more specialized care than I could provide. Even though I told myself after the diagnosis that “nobody could care for her the way I could” it became evident that was a short lived mentality and I needed to be the best I could be for her by acknowledging that fact. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. The move in was very hard and the first few visits were hard as well. While I numbed myself to the new normal, it didn’t make it easier, just more justified.
someone in this thread said to spend time with her, reminiscing and holding her hand. Good counsel if she is at that place with you. My wife has t known who I was for over 2 years but she recognizes my face when I visit.
If you’d like to connect, drop me an email at Peafowlhaven1@yahoo.com.
God is indeed sovereign. Who are we to know His will. If you’ve never had the opportunity to do a study of Job, I would encourage that.

I feel as if I Wii’s need to do the same. We do not have good facilities here so I’m terrified as to where I would place my husband. However I am grateful to you for wishing your wife a swift passing . It’s really the best way out as painful as that is. My hopes and heart go out to you.

I totally understand, my heart is sad for you, I have to make the same decision very soon. praying for your situation, may God give comfort in knowing this is what's best for you both! Please pray for my husband of 276 yrs as well as myself. thank you, Sharon Rowe

My heart aches for you. It doesn't appear that you have any other options right now. You are only doing what is best for her at this point. Believe me, this disease only gets worse. I'm glad I moved my husband while he could still walk. I did cry all the way home, but I visited him just about every day. He lived almost 5 more months and when he died, I thanked God that he was released from this terrible, awful life. I'm praying for you both.

I’ve prayed that you both feel God’s grace upon you…

I wish I had the words to take your pain away. Prayers sent and hugs to you both.

I feel for you , I had to put my husband of 35 years in a memory care facility also after taking care of him for 8 years he also had early onset alzheimer's. Unfortunately he only lasted 3 months to the day I put him in. It was the best choice because I was unable to care for him any longer he passed away at a early age of 62 it has been 8 months and I cry everyday because I miss him so much but he is in a better place and is not suffering any more, I pray for your bride's quick passing because it is awful to see them waste away. Take care and may god be with you!

It IS very difficult. I, after two years plus, still mourn the separation. But I also am very aware that it was by far best for my spouse, even if painful for me. And we chose a wonderful facility--a huge relief. I have the added burden of my three remaining children visiting him often but really ignoring me, but again, I have learned to find pleasures from other friends.

So my advice: accept that it is best for your wife and concentrate on building your interests and support systems.

You are dealing with what so many of us are. You I believe are making the right decision… for her &you. I know I will be facing this with my husband of 54 yrs. sooner than later & it will be the hardest decision I have ever made😢 💚💜💚💜

Terry, everything that everyone has said so far has been exactly perfect. You've done right by your wife and I know will continue to only act out of love, devotion, and for her best needs and standard of living.

As the manager of a boutique home healthcare agency in Boca Raton, FL this is a common conversation I have with my clients and their family. Knowing very little about your circumstances, finances, personal health, etc. I would like to offer a contrary opinion... largely because we all know that whatever promises your Memory Care Facility makes will probably not be lived up to.

Many of my clients end up with their loved ones in Memory Care and still need 24-hour private caregivers to take up the deficiency in care needed.

My suggestion is that before you commit to a Memory Care Facility, you look to see if there is an Adult Day Care Center that may be able to provide your wife with the type of therapy she needs, enough respite to keep your sanity, and keeping her at home where she belongs with round-the-clock care to help you take care of your bride of 32 years.

I know this may only be a short-term solution, but perhaps worth a try... it may also be less expensive than MC.

One final bit of advice... not all Caregivers work well with dementia clients. Ensure your caregivers are properly trained and performing the tasks and duties she needs for optimal care, not just checking off ADLs on their timesheets.

~BRAD

I feel for you. I had to place my mother in memory care against her will. We had caregivers at her home for years but it was becoming too dangerous for her and was not working. I was "momma's boy" when I was young and it hurts me that she attacks me when I visit her. I cried a lot but have accepted that this is the best place for her and it is the dementia that is talking now, not my mother. You are not abandoning her, you are actually doing the best thing for her, no matter how much it hurts. Visit often, make the best of it, and know that lots of us understand and are behind you.

I sent a prayer up. Your wife is a very lucky woman.

We had a lovely man at Church whose wife suffered from fluid on the brain. It causes Dementia like symptoms. He was so patient with her. When he was needed for a project at the Church, women friends of his wife would stay with her. He, too, eventually had to place her. He was with her every afternoon. He had lunch with her and stayed till dinner. He was there for her and him too. You are not throwing her away because you will be there for her and true to your vows. This is an awful desease and one person cannot be expected to care for someone 24/7. It takes a village.

"Till death do us part" means that you'll stand by your wife until the day she dies. And you're doing just that, my friend. You're placing her in a safe environment where she'll be properly cared for 24/7 by a whole team of people devoted to that very thing. That's hardly 'throwing her away', let's face it. Your wife may start using inappropriate words with you now, telling you how you've 'thrown her away' and begging you to take her home, calling you names, and all sorts of other ugly language. Expect it, but try to take it with a grain of salt, recognizing it's the disease talking and not your bride of 32 years. She's gone now, lost to the ravages of dementia, sadly.

I lost my mother to dementia in February, and prayed daily that God would take her because nobody wants to see their loved one live like that. We all suffer when dementia comes into play. It's a family disease. It's not just your dear wife who's dealing with this, but you as well. You're hurting and suffering right along with her b/c your life has been overturned right along with hers. I know how hard this is for you to place her in Memory Care (as I did with my mother), but know it's the right move, no matter WHAT others may tell you. Go visit her as much as you're able, and spend time with her in her new home after she settles in. It's all you can do. Know that you're a good and loving husband and your wife is in capable hands.

Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace moving forward.

Caring for someone you love means doing what's best for her, and that's what you're doing. You certainly are not throwing her away, and you are not parting. Now you'll be freed up from the more difficult tasks to simply love on her, and that's a blessing for you both.

I, too, was haunted by the promise of my wedding vows, but I knew I could no longer care for my wife of 52 years. The wandering, the delusions, the hallucinations were all too much for me to safely care for her and I had to find her a new home. But I promised her that I would take care of her, not some stranger in an institution. “For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part”. Was I abandoning her? Was I reneging on my vows? No. I decided that if I could find her an acceptable caring facility, one that could ensure her safety, manage her medications, and understand her illness better than I could, that, indeed, I WAS taking care of her.

You as her caregiver have an equal responsibility to take care of yourself. One danger a dementia caregiver faces is personally caring for a LO beyond their, the caregiver’s, caregiving limits. I don't mean caring as in loving your LO, but rather trying to provide for all of their needs and responding to their behavior at the expense of your own physical and mental health. I’m sure her request to not “throw her away” was gut wrenching to hear. But I assure you that your decision to place your bride in a care facility is best for both your and her wellbeing.

So let the tears come. Accept the grief that the separation will cause and the thought that your life has changed. I do pray that her stay in MC will be short (my wife’s was only 15 months). So visit her often. Hold hands (touch is important), express your love for her, reminisce. The last days are tough and even if she no longer knows who you are, you know who she is…be there for her.

It’s been almost 5 years since my wife’s passing, and although there’s not a day I don’t think of her, the grief is gone, and I’ve accepted my new life. You, too, will struggle with grief, but your life goes on.

The vow you made was to
Love and cherish her in sickness and in health.....
By placing your bride in a place that will care for her you are honoring that vow.
You are not for forsaking her.
You are not throwing her away.
You are making a difficult choice that will keep her safe and protected.
Would you want her to do the same if she were in your position?
With others helping to care for her you can again be the loving, devoted husband you are and not a caregiver.
You have done the best that you can do. No one can ask more of any human than that.
I always told myself when I went to bed each night that if I did the best that I could for my Husband that day then I could sleep easy.
Sleep well....((hugs))