Hospice suggested that mom was "transitioning" this week...today she is up and talking and moving around. What is happening? I don't know how to handle this. As her primary caregiver, it has become a constant rollercoaster of emotions, I'm physically and mentally worn out. Advice, experiences, stories, anything would be appreciated!
I was told my husband was dying 4 different times between 2108 and 2020. He was under Hospice care in our home for 22 months and on Aug 5th and 6th he was in a partial coma, and Hospice said he would be dead in 3 days. Well, he lived until Sept. 14th. I've said this many times on this forum, but I will say it again, only God knows the day and time when He will call your mom home. so just try and enjoy whatever time you have left with her. God bless you.
There were four men that I was very close with who were in there late 70's and 80's. I called them all Favorite Uncle ____ whatever there name was, they called me Favorite Nephew John. I was in my late 40's and 50's when each died. I was at the hospital when each of them Surged. They went from what was thought to be minutes away from death at which time I recited the Three Very Beautiful Prayers for the dying. In a very short time they peacefully passed away, and my friends families all really appreciated that I shared those prayers prayers for their husbands, or grandfather, some brothers. I count this as the greatest privilege given to me, in my life.
Yes, surging is something real. The first time I was told that was what was happening, I was surprised, because when they surged, we talked over things we'd been discussing for years during happy times, they ate some food or a treat for a few hours we enjoyed our last conversation. I am glad I was given the privilege of helping them transition to Ever Lasting Life.
God Bless to all of you Caregivers taking care of those in the late stages of their lives, and those of us diagnosed with all Terminal Illnesses.
I attended Catholic school growing up and was taught the Works of Mercy in catechism class. You are indeed practicing these in your daily life. Good for you!
I'm so sorry you lost your father several months ago and yet, I'm so thankful as you are that you were able to have a wonderful visit with him on one of those "rally" days.
It really is brutal - the rollercoaster ride we often find ourselves on. It wreaks havoc on us physically, emotionally and psychologically.
May that one treasured moment be a lasting memory for you and your family.
You'll be in my prayers as you continue with the grieving process - take care of yourselves in the meantime.
I have pictures of the last days with my brother. I look at them occasionally. It used to make me very sad. Now I choose to only remember the good times.
I am trying very hard to do that with everyone in my life. It makes me sad to only think of hurtful instances. I don’t hold grudges in my heart any longer and I am much happier now.
We really aren’t hurting those who hurt us by holding a grudge or not forgiving. We hurt ourselves. There was a time that I could have never felt the way I do now.
My relationship with my brother was complicated but there were reasons for his actions. I fully accept that now. Hurting people sometimes hurt others but I know that he regretted hurting me and was sorry. I completely forgave him.
Feeling peace in my life means more to me than feeling justified for past issues. Besides, no one can change the past. It’s over and done with. Why get stuck? Moving on is much healthier.
As a young boy he had major problems. He had ADD or ADHD(not sure which one), at 9 yrs old, my parents got called into talk with the principal. He said there wasn't anything else they could do for him but recommended a new wing was built onto the hospital in Raleigh/Durham, NC. We lived in Asheville.
I only found this out a few years back from my mom. She has no records, doesn't remember how long he was there. My guess is, they used this new wing to use people as Guinea pigs. To my knowledge back in those days (around 1965-66) they did all kinds of things to mentally ill people. Shock treatment, drugs and other things. I always told myself, that's what probably put him over the edge and he turned out to be a lair, thief. In and out of jail numerous times. He got married at one point and had 3 boys. He wasn't allowed to see them until his ex got fed up and sent his oldest to live with him at my house in OR.
Sorry about the long story.
Fast forward to around 2005. He decided he wanted to move back to NC to be near his sons and to get to know them. Myself and friends told him to check it out first and go visit. His oldest told him and promised him all that he wanted to hear. So off he left to move back. I tried talking to his daughter in law on everything I knew about the system and if she needed help, to call me. I would do whatever just for my brother.
This Jan 2020, they called and said he was in the hospital in CCU and was on a ventilator. As soon as I could (by now I'm living with and taking care of our mom) I take off to NC. His living conditions were not good and my gut tells me they were using him for his SSD. It was such a joy to see him light up when me and our oldest brother walk into the hospital. When I took care of him in OR we had all the right papers set up for him (DNR). He did not want to be hooked up and kept alive like that. Nothing had been done with his son and DIL. I told the hospital I wanted to talk to his Dr's. He was pretty alert at this time. I had asked about PT, they said that PT doesn't come in when they are in CCU. I said we'll is there anyone that does PT with them. He said nurses will when they have time. Never saw not one do any manipulation. So I started. He finally got off the ventilator, flirting with all the nurses. They started talking about rehab and put him in his own room in a regular room. So I made my plans to fly back to OR. For my mom and my fur baby of 14-1/2 yrs who was declining.
Was halfway home and his DIL called and told me he went into respiratory failure. The next day he died. 5 days later I had to put my Lil bear (fur baby) down. Came home really sick also.
Went into a depression that I thought I'd never come out of.
What really pisses me off is I couldn't get my nephew to send mom and I a death certificate or autopsy report.
I honestly think that he had covid and I came home with it also. If anyone has kept up on this, some of the first cases were in Charlotte, NC in January 2020.
I miss my brother so much and wish I had made him stay in OR, but I understand him wanting to be near his sons and their families.
So sorry this is so long but I guess I needed to get out some of this for the love I had for my brother.
My FIL rallied one last time--when the Dr. told him he simply could no longer live alone. That lasted about a day, and then he slipped into a coma and was gone in 2 hrs. We were there and I think the only people who were 'surprised' were my DH and his sister. They had seen him rally so many times--but they also weren't hands-on the last 6 months of his life as I happened to be.
It is kind of 'brutal' to watch, but dying is an extremely personal experience. I hope you are giving mom the peace she deserves and letting her body guide your care.
This is hard, as so many of us know.
Thank you for updating everyone. I'm sorry to hear that your mom is having more and more really bad days and that your mom is in so much uncontrollable pain. It truly is hard to watch the rapid changes and to keep your emotions in check. There's never a "one-size fits all answer" to how to cope with those emotions as we are all different. You keep trying to hold on and find something that works for you.
"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
May you let Him strengthen you each day and in each moment.
As hard as it is to accept, there's nothing you can do to prevent the inevitable. All that's left for you to do is wait and in the meantime, hold her hand, talk to her as they say "hearing" is the last to go, tell her anything you feel you need to say and she needs to hear. Just love her as you prepare to let go. I pray you will find the strength to do those things.
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