Transitioning with a resident. Do you think that a family member should be allowed to stay with residents to help ease them into a new living environment?

I’m sure that facilities have found that people don’t settle too well if they are just waiting for a visit, when they will almost certainly complain and beg to be taken home. Repeat, repeat, repeat. I would hope for a ‘settle in’ for the first few hours, and then the gap while they learn to focus on their new environment. It also helps the staff to focus on the new resident, rather than dealing with multiple interchanges with family. Perhaps there is no ‘ideal’.

I saw my dad everyday for the 1st 3 months.

Everyone said wait a couple weeks so he can settle in. Nope, he will settle in just fine with me being present. If not, I can help him settle in.

I think it is totally dependant on cognition and attitude. If he was being mean and nasty, bye. Struggling to come to terms with a new reality, what can I do to redirect and comfort?

I absolutely agree with you.

Some facilities will allow this.
Some allow a spouse to move in with the actual "resident"
I can see it from both sides.
You should let your loved one get used to new people, new schedule, new routine.
If you have always done something one way and the staff has to do it another due to regulations you can not do things "your way"
When I placed my Husband in Memory Care for Respite I was advised to stay with him until he "settled down" Well with me there he did not settle down, he wanted to go home, he would not get into bed, if I got him into bed he wanted to get up. After about 2 hours of this I left and told the staff to let him settle in on his own. He did. he was fine for the rest of the time I was on vacation.

As I mentioned to someone else just recently often the transition is more difficult for the person that is placing their loved one in Memory Care and not the person with dementia that is now going to reside in Memory Care.

I got my mom a alexa echo show (it works on wifi). She could call me and I can call her. She can see me and that helps with visiting issues that come up (the facility is closed because it is after 8 p.m. or before 8 a.m. and more flexible than I could ever be. I call her every morning before breakfast and say good morning. I did get her a caregiver initially (3 months) to visit (it was a friend I paid). Sometimes a person who is not a family member can help because mom puts on a better face. After 6 weeks, she was so in love with her apartment that she took a tour of the place to make sure she had the best apartment. I am grateful for the mercies that mom has from the Lord. She and I pray about everything and the transition was prayerfully pursued. We were okay with God’s best plan and asked him to block anything that wasn’t of his best plan for mom. She has a wonderful community and now almost 2 years in, she is comfortable and safe and well cared for. I did get her a private carer in January 2022 because the care at the facility is spread between other people and I wanted mom to have care that wasn’t rushed. She is an introvert and enjoys not being rushed. They have bonded and the carer is there 4 hours a day 3 days a week. I did find out that a loved one needs an advocate to keep continuity. Once I was more involved, I saw the need for mom to have a private person to help her. The carer watches TV with mom, she launders clothes and they fold together, (laundry on site), they take walks and “just happen” to be near the events that are occurring (mom says no if you ask her if she wants to go to an event), she helps mom with showers, choosing clothes, fixes her hair, helps with mouth care and is supportive and encouraging. I know I went too far off the track with this question, but I found that the AL is not everything that mom needed sometimes and the learning curve is shortened by reading this forum and being involved. Best wishes to the transition. Mom is more social than she was at home and she has the “village” to keep up her care.

My brother & I just moved our step-mother to a new home in MC. We are staying away for a couple of weeks to let her acclimate herself to her new surroundings.

If we were to go there all it would be is a circle, she wants to leave, she hates the food, the people there are crazy, round n round we would go, she's upset, we're upset.

We did not dump her on the side of the road, she is safe, fed, bathed and watched over.

We have TT her on the phone and checked on her progress a couple of times a week.

Think of it as your LO is in summer camp, most camps do not want the family hovering over the child daily either, they want them to acclimate to their summer home.

Makes me think of leaving kids at college. Maybe it's best for all involved to just go. We've been tip-toeing toward a nursing home for my mom. Turns out she's telling her friends she's ready. It's not what any of us want but the 24/7 home care she's getting from aides is one disaster away from crashing and burning. The aide who stole her change jar, the aide who shows up with her laundry, the aides who bring their kids, the one we call Meth Girl. And this is all from the only local agency we could find.

I don't think you're living in a fantasy world. Facilities do allow family to help set up a resident's room and help them put things away. When an elder gets "placed" facilities usually tell family members to stay away for a few weeks. This may sound cruel but it actually helps the new resident acclimate to their new living situation and accept it.
If family is staying the night or all day long the elder will not accept that they will be permanently living in the care facility. What would end up happening is a constant stream of complaints and demands to go home. This is because there is a history.
I was a caregiver for a long time. I have known elders who acclimated very well to being placed. They made friends and joined in activities too. The second a family member shows up they start crying about what a hellhole the facility is. That's followed by begging and demanding to be taken home. It can go on for several months or even years when family visits.
This is why family cannot stay with the elder when they get placed.
Many families who do stay away in the first weeks after placement, hire an aide that their LO doesn't know to check in on them and spend some time with them. I've been hired by families for this purpose many times. Then that aide reports back to the family. I reported back daily during the first weeks. Some people had a tougher time than others acclimating, but they did.
I remember one lady whose family placed her. The facility suggested the family stay away for at least a month so she could acclimate. I was hired by them to make two visits daily to her at the facility. The resident was told that I was hired to help her. I came late mornings and evenings for a five weeks. It took her about a week to get used to her room and the building. She made some friends early on and pretty much forgot about me by week three.
The second one of her family came to visit, she would get hysterical and beg and demand to be taken home. This resident lived in her AL facility for almost four years and died there. She behaved the same every time a relative visited her. If her family was showing up every day from day one, she would never have accepted being there.
This is why they tell families to stay away for a while.

Moving in and getting settled - absolutely. Visiting and maybe eating a meal or two on occasion - sure. Staying until you feel like they are happy. That's a big no. Because as long as you are there - they are never going to be settled. And the longer you stay, the longer you will stay.

The entire point of moving someone to a facility is to transition them to the primary care of someone who is paid to take care of them 24/7. If you are staying there 24/7 why are they there? I understand the intent behind what you are suggesting, but the problem behind it is that there is literally no cutoff point and the longer you stay, the worse the situation gets.

If you go in and get them settled - with a known end point. Ok mom/dad - we are going to get everything where you want it. We are going to get you comfortable. We will eat dinner with you and then we have to get back on the road. Set the boundary when you get there. Not that they are a child - but sometimes you have to be clear even with adults what the lines in the sand are and stick to them. That's not a dump and run. That is no different than as others have suggested, dropping a college student off at college.

Then you need to give them the space they need to learn their new environment and get settled themselves without you.

If you stay too long - it's not good for them. It gives them false hope that you are open to taking them home. That its only temporary.

It's a good question. I just can't imagine there would be enough room to do this. I can't even imagine it in terms of beds. I do know that hospitals have lighened up a lot in this regard over the course of my career, with families often staying and with special sleep chairs, cots, etc for room.
Most facilities suggest that you not even visit for several weeks so that adjustment can be complete, or bettered, but I don't know what studies they get this idea from.
I think you are living in a fantasy world that this CAN be and WILL be done, just from logistics and will. But whether it might not be a good idea? I think you are correct that it would help some. And FOR CERTAIN a movein help, and settling in is almost necessary. When my Mom moved into care what was the last days of her life (not that we knew that) my brother and I were able to make her room so "like home" for her, with her last treasured things. I believe it helped, though it was such a chaotic time I am uncertain.

I would certainly help unpack, and I would certainly expect to share a meal. What facility has told you those aren't okay?

As for staying there, no; or not unless there is a separate guest suite in the facility and you live too far away to make it practical to go home. You haven't been living in your parent's home before, and you don't want to set a precedent now either.

There are definitely facilities that give the advice to not have any contact for several weeks after move in day and we used to get a lot of angst from forum members about it... I suppose that dynamic has even become more the norm since families have had to deal with pandemic restrictions. My personal response would have been no way in h3LL.

I think the staying away thing mainly applies when the new resident is too far gone mentally to consent to the process or to orient herself in a new environment. In that case the routine and structure supported by staff trained in dementia care can be undermined by anxious relatives, and it makes the settling in process harder.

But when the new resident is simply moving to a manageable new home with improved safety features and 24 hour on call staffing, it makes no sense at all suddenly to deprive them of their existing social network. They live here, they can have visitors, they can go out, they can please themselves - this is home, just that, and there's no need for radical measures.

I agree completely with you. I cannot even imagine my family taking me to brand new place and then waving goodbye. It would have to be the saddest day of my life even if they said they would return tomorrow. It has to be the same feeling a kid has when parental issues arise and someone removes the kid from their home - home situation may be awful, but having to leave when you don't want to would be so traumatic. Even dogs being left by owner at a pound (for whatever reason) suffer.

I think it would be much much better if family could stay several weeks or a month so the person gets used to the new surroundings. - Very reason I just couldn't move my mom to facility care. She was always alert - just had mobility issues and fall risk because of it. I know that she would not have thrived in a brand new environment. It wasn't easy, and everyone makes their own decision about what they can/can't do for a parent, but I do not regret one second that I gave to keep her in her own home. I was very lucky that she did not suffer any ailments that caused her to be bedridden or more work for me than I could handle. - Some folks have no choice because the physical work to care for the parent is beyond what they can do.

Helicopter caregiving is what helicopter moms do once the kids are grown and gone.

While there's no question it's traumatic to be moved from one's home, especially if they don't want to go, I think it's more effective to let the NH caregivers get the person acclimated without the emotion-triggering family around. Staying away for a week is plenty -- a month is absurd -- but helping the new resident acclimate to the routines is vital without having family members coming in to hover and throw it all off.

I've never heard of any nursing home that wouldn't let the family help the person get moved in and unpack. Make sure all their belongings are labeled with their name, and sew in printed name tags rather than use laundry markers that fade. Bring some family pictures to hang on the walls. Bring a nice bedspread they'd like. Help to make things feel familiar. Tell them you're nearby, hug them, and tell them you'll be back soon.

Then leave.

Check in with the NH daily to hear about their progress, but let the caregivers do their jobs without interference. That's why you placed your loved one, right?

I left my mom with the same admonition that her dad left her with when he took her to college in 1947: "Stick to the books and just forget about the boys."

It made her smile, and I think she was as content as could be expected. She did exactly as she did in college, too, and focused on the boys more than the books and invented an imaginary husband who stayed with her to her dying day, just as the boy she met in college did to his own dying day. 🥹

I doubt that anyone would be “thrown out” but the fact is the emotions of loving family members may very well work against the ultimate adjustment of the residence.

”…..having the family member just wave goodbye….” isn’t so cruel if you’re satisfied that you’ve done your homework and located a place of comfort and peace and safety for your LO.

It actually sounds like “geriatric helicoptering”. The best adjustments aren’t necessarily easy separations. Most separations are tough for all involved. Ultimately though, the resident needs to adjust to the fact that they need to rely on new caregivers, adjust to new places and sights and routines, and work their way into the fabric of a different life.

With all of the placements I’ve ever participated in, the easiest and most comfortable FOR THE RESIDENT were when the family (or in some cases just me) backed away, said “I’ll see you soon”, AND LEFT.

To wish to stay on doesn’t really ease the process. It makes it less comfortable and sadder.

I don't think you will find very many who would agree it's appropriate to take it to the extreme degree of actually staying there 24/7, and IMO even spending all day every day there is not really helpful. Both the staff and the resident need to become accustomed to each other, and both the resident and their family need to know that they can count on other people to take care of the necessities. I did visit my mom pretty much every day, but then I only live a few minutes away so it was easy to come and go. I usually went over lunch or supper time so I could help with her meals, but I sometimes popped in more than once or at other times just to change things up.

As far as I am concerned, you are living in a fantasy world. It seems to me if you stay, you are just putting off the inevitable. You have to leave sometime unless you are planning to live there.

Yes, some people do get dumped off. But I think moderation is the call here. Care with the transition can help. Bring things they want—pictures, bedspread, clothes, whatever to create a more familiar space in the nursing facility. Help them settle in. If it’s assisted living, look for one where their own furniture and belongings can come with them. Moving into a new place is difficult for everyone. But staying for a while doesn’t give the person the chance to understand this is where they now live. Family members become a buffer that keeps them from integrating into the place. Sooner or later they will be living there on their own and staying with them puts off the inevitable. Once in though, family needs to visit a lot and call. My niece visited her dad to help him settle in more after he was in assisted living. The more family is involved by visiting and and asking questions, the better the care. The nursing home my brother was in later knew we were a very involved family and appreciated it.

Sometimes we have to let go of our own sadness and discomfort with change to help someone else. It’s very difficult to send a child to kindergarten, but it would defeat the purpose if we insisted on accompanying them each day. They’d be less inclined to begin to reach out to other kids and the teacher if someone familiar is right next to them. Again though, it’s important be connected and stay on top of how things are going with the child and their experiences.

I 'waved goodbye' to my 5 y/o daughter on her first day of Kindergarten. While the other mothers were all crying & carrying on, causing their children to burst into tears and creating chaos & bedlam all over the place. My DD was smiling and waving back at me, saying See Ya Later Mom.

When my parents went into Assisted Living, it was after my DH & I had broken our backs setting up their apartment exactly the way it had been in IL. Every dish was put away in the cupboard, the sheets were put on the bed with the blankets, pillowcases and bedspread, just the way my OCD mother wanted it, the paintings were hung on the wall just so, food was purchased & put into the refrigerator & the pantry, the coffee maker was plugged in and ready to go, all their clothing was hung up in the closets, and/or folded in the the drawers of the dressers, the magazines were even laid out on the coffee table.

After we had dinner with them in the dining room and walked them to their apartment, THEN we said goodnight to my parents and went home to crash in our own bed from sheer exhaustion.

I don't know what kind of 'fantasy world' you live in, but that's how normal people see their parents off in Assisted Living. With a lot of blood, sweat and tears. The only 'dumping' that goes on is the trash from the old place going into the dumpster so it doesn't go with them to the new place, by the children who have done every single thing FOR the elders so they didn't have to lift a finger in the move. Segued from one comfy apartment right into another as if by magic.

Only if you are willing to pay for the extra person's stay in the facility as an "extra client." I say this because there will be more expenses for the facility - food, linen, demands on staff's time....

Staying with them to help them 'get adjusted' probably might create more issues than solve them. If you stay with them, then they can't start adjusting to a new way of being. Like kids going to preschool or school for the first time, or sending them off to summer camp - the initial time might be difficult but they will adjust. And especially when parents are not 'going back home' - staying there might give them the illusion that they 'might' be going back home. This has, for many, created problems - instead of meeting new people, they isolate. Instead of eating the communal dining are, they eat alone in their room or eat at a table alone. Instead of trying to get to know their new place and all that it offers, they stubbornly hold onto going back home. Staying with them, imho, is not a good choice. But know that you are NOT dumping them off - you will visit after the first week or two, and then probably weekly thereafter. That is not 'dumping'.

I'm not a care-giver, but I am a resident of a senior facility. I don't think there is a "one size fits all" answer. Not all families are the same.
I'd appreciate a little help unpacking...anybody would do. But some of my family would drive me nuts telling me where I should put things, what I didn't (or did) need to have, They don't make me feel more comfortable by being around.

On the other hand, if I am somewhat disoriented and have trouble finding my way around a new place, It would be nice to have help from someone I know. I'd rather they didn't stay overnight, though. I get along with them amicably enough, but don't want to have to play the "hostess" in an unfamiliar place.

Not everybody has family they get along with, let alone depend upon. Unless a person is quite confused, disabled, frightened and used to being dependent (which I am not) I think care facilities are wise in their policies. The new resident must get used to and come to trust new "caretakers" now.

If you think back to big transitions in life - going off to pre-school, kindergarten, summer camp, college etc, those separations can be anxiety filled for both sides. What helps during those times is support and caring and also understanding that change can be difficult or exciting but either way is a necessary thing as life goes on.

I think it is entirely appropriate to help a senior pack and/or set up their new digs if they want or need that help. After that, let the staff do their job and get to know the new resident. If you hover too much, the staff may move on to the next person since you are there and others may not have that advantage. Frequent visits and/or calls may help the initial adjustment. Thankfully, we are not having to visit through windows any more.

Whenever my mother is in the hospital, I typically stay with her the whole time. This has been effective in three ways: monitoring care, calming her anxiety, and having access to the attending physician.
That is a different scenario. It does help the hospital nursing staff and more than once I have prevented an inappropriate medication or procedure from being done. I also feel the hospital can be a very scary, disorienting place for my mother. It helps if I am there when she wakes up.

If I was transitioning her to a nursing home to live, I would not try to stay with her. But, I would make sure she knows that I am always checking on her and would visit as much as possible.

Good luck with your decision.