Trying to get her to eat, but meeting a brick wall. Any tips or tricks?

***UPDATE***

Thank you everyone for your kind replies and thoughtful suggestions! I tried not asking, and just putting a small plate of food down, and that seemed to help. About an hour later, she still talked about dinner and there were still scowls, but I just took that as my cue to go find some private time elsewhere, since there’s nothing I can do about her mood.

Many thanks, everyone!

If finding it's like meeting a brick wall, perhaps you need to serve up more tar...
oh, hang on, that should be 'mortar'! (construction joke, sorry)

I’ve learned not to even ASK her if she’s hungry. She always shrugs n says nooo. I just put the food in front of her n she eats it although her portions have gotten smaller

My 86 year old mother does the same thing if I ASK if she's hungry..but if I just go ahead and make something..she usually gets all happy and eats it

Lizbitty: Imho, your classification of her being "hangry" is spot on. Provide meals for her since she consumes everything that you put in front of her and ignore the acrimony she gives about it.

My mom is 80, and she likes hotdogs on a bun with no condiments, grilled cheese sandwiches and lots of sweet stuff. It took me a long time to accept her way of eating. My husband still struggles with it. She is 80 years old, her taste buds are not what they once were. If you can find a few things that she will eat, then provide that food. No matter if it is just a hotdog. Eating a hotdogs is better than nothing.

I agree with CT in Arvada. I just give her something. I also give her a small can of coke over ice. She really enjoys. I know its got caffeine, but hey...she drinks it and looks forward to it..she's 93!
When I ask Mom if she wants a small snack for lunch, she usually says no, but when presented to her, it's eaten.

I've learned to not ask. I just prepare something and put it in front of her. She always eats it, even after telling me she's not hungry.

My parents would do that. Early on I'd "split" a can of tuna for lunch, make a sandwich for me and one for them which was cut in 4 triangles. Between them it was gone. Also a couple little bowls of bite sized fresh fruit. Then as dad got older, he could self serve Activia yogurt ( not the sugar free which caused GI issues) the Activia helped regulate his guts. It also was like ice cream which he loved. For a treat I made whole grain toast, lots of butter, a sprinkle of chia seeds (again for gut regulation) a liberal layer of maple sugar then warmed in the microwave so every stuck together. Cut into quarters that was his "maple bar". Gatorade in colors, no sugar for hydration (since when is water no good). Cut up meat, veggies that he liked. Not much rice or noodles he'd quit liking them. Protein added to pancake mix, eggs. Hydration, fiber, protein.

First: make sure she's not having problems with her teeth or gums.
Ground rule: Don't ask! - and don't urge her to eat.

Always sit down and share the meal with her - Engage in normal chit-chat and throw in a comment or two about the delicious food and thank her for her great suggestions for that specific meal. Give her small a portion on a RED plate (Red stimulates her appetite) - People are easily overwhelmed by too much on the plate and may also be confused if that food requires different utensils. I try to plan meals that are attractive and can be consumed using a single utensil - or it can be finger food. I use red dessert plates and replenish along the way.

PS Many of our elders have failing eye-sight which can make it difficult for them to see what's on their plates.

Can you get her to drink something instead of food? If you think she needs nutrition, maybe a smoothie with healthy ingredients. This is probably a passing phase, and you're most likely doing the right thing by walking away. Good luck!

She most likely has problems with understanding what you are asking. For some reason it probably sounds accusatory and a reason for her to take offense. Since you think this is low blood sugar, try making or having several snacks available for her. Just make it and place it before her with a "I thought you might enjoy this" and let her dig in.

You might consider making an ritual of "afternoon tea" as something you can both look forward to and say with delight, "Mom, it's time for afternoon tea now!." Serve tiny, soft sandwiches like tuna salad and soft, sweet things like pudding. Put on some pleasant, soft music in the background that she enjoys. Set the table with some nice china. If she is able to assist, allow her to help with the preparations.

I've noticed that a lot of assisted living places now have "afternoon tea" available. It's a great social thing and helps low-appetite seniors get some additional calories into their day.

I have two suggestions you could try.

1. If she is able, ask her to help you cook one of her favorite recipes. See if she can be part of the process. Ask her for cooking advice, see if she will taste things, and give you suggestions.

2. As we age, our tastebuds can go, and we don't taste food like we once did. The last taste to go is sweet. Sometimes when seniors don't eat, they can't taste the food and lose interest. Try sprinkling some sugar on her food, make it sweet and see if she will eat.

You don't give any indication as to what medical conditions MIL has but if it is dementia endless loops and fixating on something is common.
Rather than ask if she wants something fix her something that she would like.
Keep it small and simple if you are getting ready to make dinner. So some yogurt, fruit, some tea, coffee or water would be a nice snack.
If she has dementia it may/ will get to the point where giving her options should be limited. Go from several choices to two.
If there is no dementia in the diagnosis it could be that she has just been moved, is living in someone elses home and is no longer "the head of household" and that can be a tough "demotion" for some people. I know I would not like it if I had to move in with someone and could no longer do what I wanted when I wanted. I know I wont like it when and if I get to the point of needing a caregiver and I am no longer the "queen of my castle"
You are doing the right thing when she spits venom and you leave. As long as it is safe to leave her walk away. Not worth an argument and if she does have dementia you will NEVER win an argument. Her reality will always be her reality.

Since you noticed that this happens late in the afternoon it could be attributed to what is called "sun downing". Try pulling the shades, drapes or what ever and increase the lighting in the house. Use brighter bulbs rather than ones with a yellow cast to them. Keep to a schedule and keep her active as much as possible. If there is an Adult Day Care it will give her something to do, give you a break and it will give her a chance to meet people and be more social. (important with or without a diagnosis of dementia)

*side note I do hope your husband discussed this with you and is taking a VERY active role in caring for his mom this should not all be on you.

My mom was picky and negative about food. So I just made small plates. For snacks: She likes apples n peanut butter. Celery with pimento cheese or peanut butter or cream cheese with a little honey mixed in. I keep sliced apples or pears out all the time on a cutting board. I learned not to ask. Just hand it to her and have some for me too. I never ask, the answer is never the right one! Lol. Meals can be small plate too and somewhere in the day, I hand her a strawberry ensure.

My mother always says she is not hungry. If I make her something I know she likes and put it in front of her, she eats. Also I make sure her favorite snacks are available on a plate near her chair to avoid her going too long without food. I think sometimes people get in a pattern of answering your questions and resort to that answer no matter what. Sneaky tip: I put lots of butter in things to give her more protein and calories. Good luck!

I see in your profile that you are 44 so how old is your MIL? Maybe in her 60’s or 70’s? You don’t mention cognitive decline so why exactly is she living with you? Is she totally incapable of not fixing her own snack? Why are you waiting on her hand and foot?
it’s very hard to give help and advice when all the details are missing,
You said she can’t live in a retirement home because of Covid…I disagree with that because people are moving into these places. Covid is not going anywhere and we are having to adjust.
she is not going to get easier the longer she lives with you the harder it will be to move her out.
since I don’t know what her issues are medically, I would suggest you designate a place where she can find snacks in the pantry to assist herself. Buy some nutritional supplement drinks and put in the fridge for her to access. Show her where the fruit is etc.
Do not get in this habit of waiting on her and trying to figure out how to make her happy. It’s possible she just wants to be contrary.

I see in your profile that you are 44 so how old is your MIL? Maybe in her 60’s or 70’s? You don’t mention cognitive decline so why exactly is she living with you? Is she totally incapable of not fixing her own snack? Why are you waiting on her hand and foot?
it’s very hard to give help and advice when all the details are missing,

Mom and I rarely eat the same foods. She is limited needs soft foods meat loaf, mash potatoes, meds in apple sauce ground up. she doesn't like veggies any more but does like beef stew so I get them in there. She never asked me to cut up her food, yet she eats better. Bread is hard for them to swallow it gets stuck. Frozen food sections offer nice healthy entrees to which I add fruit cup, the apple sauce for meds, small milk and water and she clears it all up.

Don’t ask; prepare a plate for her.

Try asking her what she would like to eat.

GI've her a choice of what to fix to eat.

Ask her to help you fix something to eat.

Hi Lizbitty. The good news is that she will eat whatever you put in front of her. If she gets cranky when you ask her if she's hungry, try keeping notes on how frequently she gets hungry (i.e. every 2 hours, 4 hours etc.) Once you understand her pattern, you can put food in front of her when she's most likely to eat it. I've learned from caring for my mom that it's easier to prevent her from getting hangry than it is to get her settled after a hangry episode.

Also, be aware of the foods she really likes and try rotating how often you serve them so she doesn't get bored. Giving her what she likes to eat when she's most likely to eat it will make caring for her manageable.

As for the scowling, it may be something she feels like doing. Our loved ones are who and how they are. Sometimes we just have to say "I don't get it." and keep it moving. I can only imagine how annoying her behavior is, especially when you're extending care to her. Be patient with yourself so that you can be patient with yourself.

Wishing the best for both of you.

Yes. I have watched my 91 to father do the same thing. I stopped asking. I stopped trying to please. He gets peanut butter and jelly every day or chicken leg, maybe a tiny piece of something... He says he's not hungry... And if he's hungry he eats. If not, oh well. No more battles. If he wants to starve so be it. ( He won't and is still 20 pounds over weight).
I actually think as we age we do need to cut down on food intake. And the body knows when it's hungry...just not the broken brain.
Have snacks and juices or ensure nearby and available. My dad actually eats very little food because his dentures don't fit right. But he can scarf down a half sandwhich! Or cookies or ensure chocolate milk.
Best wishes, just stop the battles and enjoy some peace!
Hugs

Was she someone who enjoyed cooking?
IF so, then you can give her some simple projects to "help"
Like if you get a package muffin mix that just adds milk...
help her to pour the mix into a bowl, measure the milk, and then let her mix and fill the muffin tins.

Hi Lizbitty,

My mother is difficult with food also.
However, I found out that 'snacks' work. If I put too much food (a regular plate of food) in front of my mother; she is not hungry and won't eat it. While my mother's 'refusing' to eat is an attention thing: I do have some tips that I found work (whatever the cause).

* put small plates with one or two pieces of cheese & one or two crackers in front of her, in those hangry afternoon hours
* if/when she eats this just replace the plate with another plate of 1 or 2 small pieces of something without saying anything.
* if she says she won't/can't eat it - maybe reply "oh, O.K well it is there in case you wanted a snack" or something along that line and then do it again in 30 minutes or so
* don't make a big deal about it with her
The really great thing is that she actually does eat what you put in front of her.

Just an idea.
Welcome to the site.
-Bevel

You mention this behaviour occurs in the afternoon. Perhaps it is the start of sundowning?

Can you give her her main meal at noon and as others have suggested provide healthy and appealing snacks in the afternoon?

Lizbitty, more info would help us :) Such as, is your Mom-in-law able to do cooking? If yes, and you know she makes certain things that are great, ask if she would like to prepare the meals once a week [or likes to bake] or show you how it is done [even if you already know]. She probably wants to feel useful so she hints around by asking about what is being cooked, etc.

Having another generation in the house-hold takes a lot of adjustment, because things were done differently back in her time.

I ask my mom what she would like for dinner. i give her a few choices and then feed her. She sometimes tells me it is not sweet enough. The chef told me his seniors eat better with a little sweetness. He does add a little maple syrup to butternut squash, I add a little stevia to her pancakes, sweetened protein powder to her Cream of Wheat in the morning. She eats all the above without any fussing.
My mom will let me know she is still hungry right after she consumes a big meal and I tell her to wait at least 20 minutes and see if she is still hungry. She is usually full after twenty minutes.I will not give my mom any more food after a big meal. Did it and she complained of nausea and sometimes spits up. I remind her she will get sick so she is quite cooperative now.

Why do you keep asking if you know she's going to say no? I wouldn't say anything at all, just put together a healthy snack and plunk it down beside her, if you can take the time to sit down too for your "coffee break" all the better. You can also keep little nibblies on the counter or near her favourite chair so she can graze at will, keeping a drink of some kind by her elbow can help increase her fluid intake as well.