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My husband and I told them almost a week ago. My MIL gets it. She is asking questions about the facility. My FIL is having a really hard time. Last night before he went to bed he came to us and asked us to not throw them out of the house. Keeps telling us that we have many years left to live and enjoy our lives. Can’t we just wait a few more years to take care of them. My husband just kind of ignores him when he talks like that. What makes it harder is that he’s so hard of hearing. Almost doesn’t matter what we say. It’s exhausting. We are visiting 2 facilities this week. Hoping all goes smoothly.

Simple short answers. "We have made this decision, and we know you will grieve it, and that is normal. We are very sorry." Don't ask that this be without heartbreak. It will not be. There is no good answer when it comes to aging in this country, only heartbreaking ones in which we do the best we can given our own human limitations. Good luck. Keep updating us.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I love it when we get updates.
🙏 that all goes well
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Good thing at least MIL gets it. That will help FIL. Also, tell him that if he gets hearing aids it will help him a lot. I made that a condition of me helping my Mom live semi-independently in her home. She faught it a lot at first but when I would shrug and write notes to her she finally got them.

Congratulations! I hope the transition happens soon and goes well.
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Reply to Geaton777
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I think it's time you tell your MIL that she needs to be the one to get her husband on board with the move to assisted living. She needs to reinforce the positives to him e.g. people their own age, activities, amenities (gym? pool? clubs?) help when *they* want it, hopefully good meals and selection, etc.

Have MIL ask questions at the senior communities (nicer term than facility) like about the food. And make sure she can ask some of the residents how they like it. Any place that doesn't want you talking to residents is a red flag.

Again, MIL needs to be driving this home for *her* husband while you and your husband help them choose the place that's right for them.
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Reply to NYDaughterInLaw
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againx100 Jun 12, 2024
The food at my mom's ALF is not very good so that would not be a good question there. Otherwise it's a nice place but I guess they're trying to get as much profit as they can and cut corners on food.
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I’m glad you had the difficult conversation. I hope you’ll be able to act soon on a move, knowing you want to find the best place. The longer it takes, it may unintentionally deceive FIL into magical thinking it’s not happening. Wishing you well in finding a good place and making a smooth transition
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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There’s a saying around here, “Not everything can be fixed.”

Maybe after listening to your FIL grieve, you can keep adding this truth to each and every conversation about the move.

It may bring a bit of peace.
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Reply to cxmoody
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I think your husband is right to ignore his complaining. Focus on selling the place to Mom since she is more understanding.
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Reply to ZippyZee
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I agree with Alva. Briefly acknowledge that they will grieve their loss of independence, then reassure them that they will be well cared for.

Will they adjust? They won’t have any other choice. Chances are they will adjust in time.

If they don’t adjust, you can’t do anything about it, other than speaking to their doctor about meds to calm their anxiety.

I believe those who are vulnerable will pick up on other people’s anxiety, which is probably why your husband isn’t going overboard with discussing their situation.

I am sure that this isn’t pleasant for your husband but he is doing a great job of managing his emotions.

Best wishes to all of you. Let us know how it goes after they are placed.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Hi Susana - I think it's all in the way this is presented...such as, couldn't the word Assisted Living "facility" be changed to Assisted Living "community" - or Senior Community?

And, can you get them excited about this....such as they'll meet other seniors to have a social life with - have meals with in a dining area - activities planned, etc. If anything, you can let them know that this is still providing them with independence - but they can get some assistance in the things that they need. They'd still be enjoying their lives - they shouldn't have the mindset that it's a punishment. Maybe they need to understand the difference and that this will provide activities and meeting new people.

Wishing you the best ~
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Reply to Hopeforhelp22
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cover9339 Jun 12, 2024
The dining area 😆.

Make sure they know the seating arrangements, so as to not cause issues
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How do your in laws lose their independence, exactly, when they aren't independent in the first place living with YOU and relying on you?????

AL is an apartment, that's all. They do not require the residents be cared for by staff or have their bottoms powdered after a bath.

The residents can cook in their apartment which has a microwave and a fridge. They can order take out.

They can walk out the front doors after calling a cab or an Uber.

Stop talking about AL and take them to SEE an AL or 2 to actually lay eyes on the luxurious hotel like amenities they'll be "forced" to live with.

Ask to be shown an activity calendar for June too.

You will always have people like Cover who are grossly misinformed about Assisted Living and what it's REALLY all about whispering horror stories in your FILs ear. Until he sees for himself he's being "thrown out" of a boring house into a whole new lifestyle of autonomy and activity he can choose to partake in or not, his choice.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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