Update…on “What do you think? Post

First let me thank everyone who took time to answer on my original post and update. I appreciate all of the encouragement and support.

My Dad admitted he was being selfish and that he was wrong to be so angry. He said it was tearing him apart to have this between us and that he was sorry.
He said he just wanted it to be done and water under the bridge.

I told him I did not like it either and That we are good but that we have some stuff to workout. We don’t have to talk about it now but there is some rebuilding we have to do in our relationship. Even as angry as I was I never stopped telling him I loved him but I get to set boundaries and I get to live my life and any help I decide to give has to be on my terms.

He thinks he may permanently move near me.

I believe he was sincere and that he is ashamed and wants things to be different.

I will make sure he realizes that things have to be different moving forward and over time we can figure that out as we heal.

I am guarded though. Not gonna act like it is all sunshine and rainbows. But for now I think we can at least continue to communicate and focus on the most important thing…what is best for my Mom.

I forgive him

I will not hold it over his head but I will remember so that if it happens again I will call him out on it and maintain firm boundaries.

My dad expected my retired sister to spend her retirement helping him with my mom. (Ironically, he insisted nothing was wrong with my mom (Alzheimers), yet was angry at her/us that we weren't helping him more). Anyway, my sister told him, "Just like you dad, I worked my whole life and saved money so that I could travel and enjoy my retirement. I did not retire to become a caregiver.". My sister and I withstood a lot of verbal abuse from him over the 2-3 year period. Then he got ill and we forced him and my mom into Assisted Living. He was so angry at us for that and we were angry at him for not agreeing to AL sooner. He admitted to his grandson that "life was easier for them in AL", but he would never admit it to me or my sister and his verbal abuse continued whenever we visited. I only visited to spend time with my mom and when he got nasty with me, I walked out of the room. And I always brought a cousin or friend with me when I visited because he refrained from being nasty in the company of "strangers". Unfortunately, he only lived another 3 months after the AL placing and now my mom is in memory care. He passed in March 2023 and I am still sorting through my anger, disappointment and resentment about how we were treated.
Bottom line - I still tell myself and now friends who have aging parents this: It is your job to ensure that your parents are cared for. That does NOT translate to "it is your job to care for your parents." Your job is to live your life to the best of your ability - just like your parents did! Our parents do not understand the burden they are putting on their children because most likely their parents did not live to the ripe old ages of 80+, so they did not have to go through it.
I have vowed not to burden my children like this and have put the necessary legal docs in place so hopefully they have a better experience with their dad and I when/if the time comes.

So...go on your vacation. Make your memories. And let your dad know that if he thinks he needs help, there are professionals who are trained to help better than you or he ever could. Good luck and I feel your pain.

So glad he apologized.