Update…on “What do you think? Post

So glad he apologized.

My dad expected my retired sister to spend her retirement helping him with my mom. (Ironically, he insisted nothing was wrong with my mom (Alzheimers), yet was angry at her/us that we weren't helping him more). Anyway, my sister told him, "Just like you dad, I worked my whole life and saved money so that I could travel and enjoy my retirement. I did not retire to become a caregiver.". My sister and I withstood a lot of verbal abuse from him over the 2-3 year period. Then he got ill and we forced him and my mom into Assisted Living. He was so angry at us for that and we were angry at him for not agreeing to AL sooner. He admitted to his grandson that "life was easier for them in AL", but he would never admit it to me or my sister and his verbal abuse continued whenever we visited. I only visited to spend time with my mom and when he got nasty with me, I walked out of the room. And I always brought a cousin or friend with me when I visited because he refrained from being nasty in the company of "strangers". Unfortunately, he only lived another 3 months after the AL placing and now my mom is in memory care. He passed in March 2023 and I am still sorting through my anger, disappointment and resentment about how we were treated.
Bottom line - I still tell myself and now friends who have aging parents this: It is your job to ensure that your parents are cared for. That does NOT translate to "it is your job to care for your parents." Your job is to live your life to the best of your ability - just like your parents did! Our parents do not understand the burden they are putting on their children because most likely their parents did not live to the ripe old ages of 80+, so they did not have to go through it.
I have vowed not to burden my children like this and have put the necessary legal docs in place so hopefully they have a better experience with their dad and I when/if the time comes.

So...go on your vacation. Make your memories. And let your dad know that if he thinks he needs help, there are professionals who are trained to help better than you or he ever could. Good luck and I feel your pain.

First let me thank everyone who took time to answer on my original post and update. I appreciate all of the encouragement and support.

My Dad admitted he was being selfish and that he was wrong to be so angry. He said it was tearing him apart to have this between us and that he was sorry.
He said he just wanted it to be done and water under the bridge.

I told him I did not like it either and That we are good but that we have some stuff to workout. We don’t have to talk about it now but there is some rebuilding we have to do in our relationship. Even as angry as I was I never stopped telling him I loved him but I get to set boundaries and I get to live my life and any help I decide to give has to be on my terms.

He thinks he may permanently move near me.

I believe he was sincere and that he is ashamed and wants things to be different.

I will make sure he realizes that things have to be different moving forward and over time we can figure that out as we heal.

I am guarded though. Not gonna act like it is all sunshine and rainbows. But for now I think we can at least continue to communicate and focus on the most important thing…what is best for my Mom.

I forgive him

I will not hold it over his head but I will remember so that if it happens again I will call him out on it and maintain firm boundaries.

Dragon
I’m happy your dad had time to reconsider his behavior. I’m sure it felt good to hear from him and check in on how mom is doing. Enjoy your trip.

Update…

My Dad called me today and apologized

Your father is a genuinely horrible human being.

Don't associate yourself with abusive individuals.

Dragon, I'm sorry for the way your Dad is treating you.

Hi Dragon, while browsing the internet this morning, I came across the perfect article for you, and many others dealing with manipulative elders! Definitely worth the short and informative read, imo.

How To Handle A Manipulator When They Don't Get Their Way

Heres the link:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stress-fracture/202406/how-to-handle-a-manipulator-when-they-dont-get-their-way

Here is a classic example of a grown adult behaving like a senior-brat.

Your father is not getting his own way so he's doubling-down on the shaming, and guilt-tripping.

You are not the one who is wrong here. He is. If this is what he wants, then fine. I don't think it is though. He's trying to manipulate you to get what he wants which is to go back home and become your mother's caregiver because he doesn't want to have the responsibility of her himself.

So, take a break from them for a while. Don't call. He'll call you when he needs to "vent" (which is just a modern clickbait word for complain) to someone or needs help arranging care for your mother.

Go on your trip, not his guilt trip.

I’m sorry, no matter the reason for his behavior it still has to sting. Others may feel differently, but in your shoes I’d not reply at all to the text, act as if it never happened. I’d also not call but would send regular cards or texts after a bit inquiring how things are and offering help that’s doable by you. Perhaps one day dad will see there’s a middle ground in this. If not, you did your best. And the idea that dad’s unreasonable behavior may point to some cognitive decline is worth considering

Thanks for the update and for ur response to me. Would love to know Dads age?

Do not play into this. Take that vacation. Believe me, Dad will need you at some point and will be calling. As I told you in my response in ur last post, my MIL had 10 in of intestines removed with a bag at 70. Believe me, if home recuperation was that bad, one of the sons would have been called. MIL was taught to take care of her own bag. Its just a matter of healing. She eventually got back to going out with friends. I am sure my FIL went out for his daily golfing. All Dad may need to do is wait on her. Get take out. Did Mom wait on him hand and foot? He will be able to make himself a P and J. I will bet when you talk to the relative who is going down, Dad and Mom would have done well on their own.

My sister had breast cancer and needed help in another State caring for a 6 yr old. So my mother went down to stay with her for 8 months leaving my Dad alone. A man she had waited on hand and foot. He did better than we thought he would. An Uncle would check up on him. I would go over and clean up and make sure he was eating. I was not there all the time, I had a family. He was 68 at the time.

My DH was called a MaMa's boy. He did because he could. Marrying me changed that. I came first. She chose to move to Fla, 15 hrs away. Away from the only son that lived nearby. She had expectations about us visiting all the time, holidays down there forgetting we had 2 children in school. When she would complain, my DH would say, well she wanted to move to Fla.

OP your dad is stone cold....I can bet he will be calling again before your trip with a crisis to try and get you to have to cancel/

I'm curious if your dad has always been like this, or is this new behavior?

It reads to me like dad is making poor decisions and is exhibiting panic.

Has anyone checked out his cognitive skills? And I don't mean "name the president and tell me what day it is".

If he's ALWAYS been manipulative and prone to drama, I would advise simply being in contact with mom. And giving dad space.

But if this is new behavior and if mom is still in hospital or rehab, I think I'd give the Social Worker a call and explain that dad doesn't seem to be making adequate care plans for mom. And that you live quite a distance away and can't be there to do care.

Dragon, parents are suppose to love there children, so much damage on this forum, of hurt, that aging parents have done to us. The reason we turn to this forum in the first place is because people with narssasist parents burn out sooner, faster and harder than people who don't have narssasist parents. And that's why so many are here. When I first joined I didn't even want to admit my mom and my golden child brother where narssasist, and how come we are all here? Its because we are so darn damaged by the mean things are parents have said to us, through the years. And all we wanted from them is to be loved. And they think that love is owed to them. That they can do and say the things they do and expect us to not live and enjoy are life . People are talking about millennials being spoiled. Every generation has there share of entitled individuals

My mom and brother are furious at me because I don't work, and I don't do everything for my mom. A decision me and my husband made for now ,when he retired. They think I should be doing everything and I owe it to them because I'm not working. I'm not working because I want these few years of retirement with my older husband, not so I can be my mother pee-on, but mom won't even put me on an emergency list for the doctors. They where trying to groom me to be there slave, as time is going by and they are figuring out that they can't get more from me than I'm willing to give there not happy. All they are doing is pushing me farther away from them and this whole disfuctional family. And end all be all my mom and brother are honestly just plain jealous and don't want me to have a good life.

You know something every thing my mother has said to me that was mean. She had done me a favor. Shows me her true colors ! Just like your dad just did.

I am so sorry for you, I am so sorry your dad is the way he is. All I can really say is , you are so not alone!

what a big attempt by Dad at GUILT TRIP. dont fall for it

With a Dad like that, who needs enemies. Go on your vacation and enjoy yourself thoroughly. Send a postcard addressed only to your Mom.

I think you are absolutely doing the right thing and you should go on your vacation. You are getting lots of support and good suggestions here.

Are you able to connect with your Mom independent of your Dad? Call her in the hospital or email or text her? I think sending flowers is a great idea.

The only thing I would add is that it is likely your Dad is scared. That doesn't negate his behavior or the fact you should stick to your guns.

I would continue to check in every week or two (it may be further manipulation on his part to have such a drastic request now) and
if for some reason he does reach out to you or health circumstances change, show him as much grace as possible. You are doing the right thing.

My mother was the same , expected me to drop everything anytime she was in the hospital and stay with her all day long and do everything .

I finally told her there are nurse’s here to help her and I had to go home .

She got mad and gave me the silent treatment . It didn’t last .

Where is your Mom presently? Can she receive phone calls? No reason Mom should miss out on talking to you because of Dad.

I completely get Dad is broken hearted over your Mom.

But broken hearted because his adult son won't be at his beck & call? No.

Maybe his own expectations (unrealistic expectations) are causing him that discomfort. Another person in his shoes could choose to could say "I am grateful my Son recently visited. I know he can't be here all the time. I value our phone calls".

Dawn, we wrote at the same time. I APPLAUDE all you wrote.

SOMEBODY needs to tell Dad to do his job as a husband (before Mom comes home), and arrange for professional help, period. Then he can supervise the hired staff and Mom gets excellent care she needs and deserves. Her Doctor should order Home care RN's 3 days a week, plus he gets a housekeeper for laundry. Then order groceries delivered, or order food and have delivered! His job is using his phone and his wallet, so poor Mom can recover quickly.

Then he becomes the hero for handling his own responsibility properly and stops wasting time being King Drama. Mom would want Home Care nurses, not her adult son, bathing her, etc. They are great and will keep her calm and recover so much better. Dad just has to be there with his wallet. They order supplies and get them delivered. They text Dad the night before with arrival times.

Tell Dad to knock the guilt off and do his damn job. Mom needs proper care when she gets home. I would tell him bluntly he needs to STEP UP, do what he needs to do, then hang up. Save the drama for the Oscars. Act like a damn husband should and take care of business. Admit he's scared and arrange for home care! Call her Doctor to have him order it. Neither of you are qualified RNs! Home Care can take her vitals, keep her Doctor informed, help her bathe, draw blood samples, you name it. Plus they are supportive and Mom will get her proper care.

Dad can supervise, as he should. Ordering Mom some flowers would be nice.

I hope Barbrooklyn responds to this thread .

She will have very helpful comments .

Your Father is acting like a top class Drama Queen. I am so sorry.

🙄
So much drama. My husband has a daughter who loves making a mountain out of a molehill, and always has. He calls it ADATT: All Drama All The Time. It's exhausting to be around these energy vampires, it really is. I had a mother who was ADATT too. She was dying or "killing herself" since I was young enough to cry in fear about it. Passive-aggressive to the point of insanity, too, where communication was literally impossible. Her FOG (Fear Obligation and Guilt) tactics were SO finely honed, it was a science. The silent treatment was my favorite because she finally STOPPED talking for awhile.

There is a good website you can check out called Out of the FOG, with a forum that's extremely eye opening.

https://outofthefog.website/

If my father sent me a text like yours sent you, I'd reply with, "Love you dad."

Don't believe for a minute you've lost your father......he's just using this strategy to scare you into action, that's all. It's not working this time, which is what you saying "love you dad" means. I'm not playing this game, pop.

Enjoy your trip and if you dwell on this text, dad wins. Because he's managed to ruin your vacation, which was his goal all along. If he's suffering, so should you.

I’m going to fast forward here .

If Dad says “ I need you here “.

“ Well Dad if you can’t manage living independently either , then it’s time to talk about assisted living for both of you “

Send him a post card when you’re on vacation. Maybe two.

I'm willing to bet that he'll be sending you another text saying how he can't believe you're doing this to him and your mom. He realizes his 1st guilt trip didn't work, so he'll try a different approach.

As for you, stand your ground and don't give in.

To be honest, he has made his choices as he pleased his entire life.
That's fine. They were his choices, including his buying a home near you, then choosing not to live in it but to live farther away.

He's enough of an adult to make his own decisions.
He's lying. He is not only mad, he's furious that he cannot manipulate you into doing his bidding. I would doubt he was EVER very understanding of anyone's choices but his own. He is quite selfish. And exceptionally manipulative.

This is what I would tell him.

Dear Dad,
I'm sorry for your heartbreak. I always hoped you would be able to be proud of your son, and am saddened that's not the case.
You have always done things "your way" and I honor your wish to continue. Simply saddened that this is "your way" of doing things. You have had a good life. I must now look to my own.

I have had to make the decisions best for my life and my family. As a very strong and strong-minded man I am certain you will understand and honor that.

I trust in your abilities to find the resources you and Mom need at this time, and am saddened that not getting your own way has caused you to choose to cut off contact with me. It says little of who I am, but quite a lot about who you are.

Do know, should you ever change your mind, I am here. And should my contact info ever change I will update you. I thank you for all you did in raising me, and I thank Mom. Now I am a grown man who must make my own often difficult decisions.
I hope that you have made this decision with your own wife in mind, her wishes and her needs.
Your Son, Dragon.

You are being manipulated by a selfish old man.
You say you feel you are losing him before you lose him.
I wonder, myself, if you ever had him, or if you simply made him up. Because anyone who abandons a son for not doing his will is not much of a father. Imho.

Sad. The only thing that comes to mind at the moment is Maya Angelou - "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

Dragon , I am so sorry, I'm pretty much speechless right now, you no I'm sure that his is trying to manipulate you, you know he is trying to control you, use guilt, but it doesn't make the hurt less.

I'm sure I'll have more to say tomorrow, I am sorry