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You gently repeat (likely over and over again) "George passed in 1988, Dad. It is 2019. He's gone. I'm sorry. It's just a memory glitch". As to "validation" I am afraid it seems silly. Reminds me of all those folks who say it is wrong to tell a dog "ah ah" or "no no" when they jump on someone. All those folks who say to just divert a misbehaving child instead of gently and certainly correcting. It seems silly. An untruth should not be validated, in my mind. That's for crazy-making. It won't change his mind. He will still want to call George in another minute, no matter what is done.
How cruel. Think about this. How would you feel if 20 times a day you were told your child or husband or mother had died and it was to you the first time you had heard this news. You would relive 20 times a day one of the most painful experiences of your life. That is what will drive someone crazy. It is considered torture actually. To compare someone with dementia who is incapable of learning and retaining information with a mis-behaving child who is capable of learning and changing their behavior is ridiculous. You re-direct, "Sure Dad, we will call after dinner" "Oh Dad, remember ya'll talked yesterday and he said he was going on a business trip for a week", or if worse comes to worse you ask a friend to pretend to be that person and take the call. I had a nurse that pretended to be a lady's husband and called her every night and say Good Night just like he did for the 40 years he worked night shift, it was the only way she could calm down and go to sleep.
let him try. When George doesn't answer or the number is disconnected say "Hmmmm.. Maybe he changed his number" OR you could make him a white board that shows a list of who is no longer available to take his call?
Does he know the numbers by memory? If not, I'd erase them from his phonebook or write in a dead-end fake number. I had to do this with my MIL who started calling everyone in her address book when she went into LTC because she was bored/confused. It was unfair to the people that she was constantly calling. She has extreme short-term memory loss so she'd call over and over. Eventually she stopped. Hang in there!
Will he let you dial the number and then pass the phone over to him? If so, you can be creative as suggested below - line must be down, straight to voicemail, hmmm that's strange, perhaps the number's changed I expect we'll get a card about it soon etc. etc. etc.
If he insists on dialling by himself, I think you need only intervene if you know the number is still connected to the dead person's family, who might be distressed by getting a call for their relative; and in that case, remind him that it's the wrong time of day, that they never take calls on a Sunday, that they'll just be sitting down to dinner - any excuse to postpone the call indefinitely. Other than that, let him try and be ready to offer sympathy and "puzzlement" when the call is a failure.
In any case, though, can you use his wish to call a particular individual to start a reminiscence about the person and divert him into a conversation?
madrina, after my Dad had moved to senior living, I noticed he had gone through his Rolodex, and had pulled out a card which had his favorite plumber. Oh dear, Dad no longer needs to call a plumber....
So when Dad was busy doing something else, I quickly went through his Rolodex and took out all the tradespeople he had in that box, plus telephone numbers of relatives/friends that had passed on. Put those cards in my purse. Dad never did notice... whew !!
You could try saying that so-and-so's number is (area code)555-0whatever, numbers have been officially designated for use in Hollywood movies and TV shows, 555-0100 through 555-0199.
As she progresses, it may no longer sink in. White lies are the savior of caregivers. Diversion/deflecting is better if possible. But if white lies make her content and address the situation, there's no harm done. It feels very wrong at first, but will ease your burden and her distress as time goes by.
It really depend if the number is still active and he might upset a relative etc. If so buy him a new book and say let’s tidy up all these numbers make it easier for you and take out all the innapropriate ones. If number is no longer active let him phone it, Fred must be out or have changed his number etc.
I think it depends. I usually tell my husband the person is in heaven and they are doing great. He usually repeats “they’re in heaven?” and I confirm and change the topic. In saying heaven, he seems to realize they have passed, but it’s not as upsetting to him as saying he died or passed away. Sometimes telling your LO the person has died causes the LO to experience the grief all over again, and you don’t want that. If you’re dialing, can you redirect to call someone who’s living? If he’s dialing himself, I like the idea of changing them to non-working numbers in his phone book. Good luck.
My dad passed away two weeks before my mom had a terminal stroke. She kept asking to call Daddy. And every time I would dial the number and it would go to his voicemail and the automated voicemail message with the female voice would play. She would just look at me and say that woman answered again. five minutes later she would always say your father died but he doesn't know it yet. Her stroke gave her symptoms very similar to dementia and I didn't want to say Daddy died and have her be upset. Sometimes it is just better to let them dial the number and in their mind even if they don't comprehend they may enjoy just trying to reach out to somebody that meant something to them. she joined him a few weeks later. I never saw any harm in letting her make those calls.
A nursing home resident (with demenia) I knew frequently asked "Where is my Daddy?" I would say o her, "Mary, he's with my Daddy and they're having a wonderful day together." (My father, like hers, was long dead.) This seemed to satisfy her.
Love this answer! For those who insist we tell the "truth", this covers the bases. It isn't really a "lie", but it satisfies without hurting.
As I posted, true lying is done to hurt or be deceitful. Fibbing or little white lies are used to prevent hurt, which will have to happen over and over again if you tell the "truth!" Redirection/refocusing is a tactic that might work and avoids the "lies", but doesn't always work. Once someone like my mother gets focused on something, she is relentless and will continue to push for what SHE wants. Making excuses or telling little fibs will often satisfy her and leave the "door" open for her to get what she wants later...
Because they are not fully aware. And within a few minutes they forget what you say. I tell my Mom it's either too late or too early to call them cuz they are still asleep. We can try to call them later. Or tell them that that person went to the store and we can call them when they get home. I know this sounds like lying to them, it will calm them at that moment. You know in 30 minutes they will have forgotten what you told them.
Let him call. The bigger question is what you do...when they answer! Relax. Give him the phone. My wife has lengthy conversations with her mother who has been gone ten years. The conversations seem to help her...very calming.
One thing I will do in a situation like this is say to the person " tell what you like doing the most with this person." I have found that often times if you let the individual reminisce about their time and thoughts about their parent / friend they can be re-directed.
You Can tell them they are out of town for that they are deaf. If you really want to do a good deed, You could have someone pretend to be them. It's always best to distract them and plan to do it another day and likely they will forget. Or you can call a number with an answering machine that says no one is at home.
Whether it's them calling someone or someone (i.e. scammer, relative with hand stuck out, or whatever.) Just unplug the phone or give them a phone that is not really plugged in and let him dial away. "oh gee phone's out again. I'll get it fixed tomorrow, etc." Or turn volume and/or ringer off or down low (if incoming calls are upsetting them - too bad if others don't like - it's you who has to deal with patient after incoming caller has upset them and hung up going their merry way). If you are caregiving for someone who is not thinking you make the decisions (invite anyone who doesn't like it to take over in their house)
My mom would call dead people too. But also she would have arguments with the phone company. She worked for them and got her phone free after retirement. They tried to explain to her that the 95 cents was tax she had to pay, but she would continue to tell them her entire history and that she should get her phone free and was not paying the 95 cents. It actually came directly out of her account. I felt bad for whoever was on the other end trying to explain it to her every month, but it was worse for me if I told her not to call. I suggest making fake calls yourself for him and telling him no one answered, you'll try later.
Too funny! Not funny trying to manage it or for the poor people on the other end of the call, but amusing how she feels she's being overcharged!
Because of my mother's hearing issues, I have tried a few times to be the go-between (when she was still living at home.) SS woman kept asking her if it was okay to talk to me, but mom kept saying "I can't understand you." I could hear the woman from 3-4' away and repeated she just wants to know if it is okay to talk to me. SS woman could hear me, so kept asking quieter and quieter, which was making the issue worse! She didn't understand mom really meant "I can't HEAR you", so she got me on the phone and rudely told me I would have to go to the SS office and hung up. Probably thought I was trying to scam mom, when really all I wanted was to redirect her electronic payments to her primary account so we could close the other account and make it easier for me to manage her finances! I was able to make the change via the credit union (initially they told me they couldn't but I had to show them their instructions and we got it done!)
Eventually I had to go to the SS office as we had moved her to MC and when it was time to sell the place, the only way to change her address to get important paperwork was to take over as rep payee (legally they DO require you to do this, if you are managing their finances. It isn't really hard to do - the worst part was getting the new account needed set up, as they don't do it often and messed it up!)
The other incident was with Discover. When I was able to get mom to understand what the rep was asking, she loudly proclaimed that they are assholes... great mom, so nice! I apologized to the woman. We just needed to order a new card because she thought she lost hers. I was able to cancel the card by phone, but reorder needed to be done from HER phone. Next time she asked me to cancel, I waited a few days, then suggested she check her purse, because when I went to do the first card reorder, she HAD the damn card! Sure enough, it was in her purse, just not in her wallet.
Although there will always be those out there (and here) who mandate that it's wrong to lie, when dealing with dementia, it's a different ball game. Someone else did refer to what I think:
Do you REALLY want to hurt the person over and over and OVER all day EVERY day to tell them the truth, that this person they dearly care about is dead? It would hurt ME as well as the person!!! With dementia, they're NOT going to remember that you told them this repeatedly, you will be getting this question every time the person in question pops into their head. There's no harm in "fibbing" to them. A lie is told to be hurtful and deceitful, while "little white lies" we have to use to help our demented loved ones past a situation that WILL be truly painful are done to save them from the hurt and pain. It is NOT the same as lying.
If the person is just older and infirm, certainly tell them the truth. THEY can process it and will likely remember or only need a reminder now and then (we all get forgetful!) It's NOT the same when dealing with any form of dementia.
If you really cannot stomach a "lie", then find ways to redirect, refocus them onto something else. Deferring the call to later can be tried. Excuses such as the phone is out of order, it's the wrong time of day, etc. will probably fall under the "lie" category for the "truthers" out there, but again, TRUE lies are told to hurt people, whereas "white lies" are to PROTECT the person.
When I recently found out one of my cousins passed away and mentioned it to my mother, she angrily asked why no one told her (but I just did!) After about 9 months in MC (this is year 3), she forgot about her condo, became focused on their previous house and started asking about/for her mother (staff has told me she mentions her father too, but not to me yet.) I have managed to deflect the conversation, so far, as have the staff (No phone in her room - hearing loss and having her call me over and over to ask to go home, nope, all the while not being able to hear me, nope! She will ask them to call her mother, giving them the name and the previous address. THEY make excuses as well, and I have heard them use those on others as well.)
First time mention of her mother to me, she asked if I could drop her off at her house on my way home. Thinking quick I looked at my watch, said it's a little late in the day, not exactly on my way home, maybe tomorrow. She said ok. Then promptly asked if I had a key to that previous house. Looked at my lanyard, said not with me, I can check when I get home. She again said ok, but continued on to say if she had a key she would go stay there tonight!! Lies? Yup. Did it HURT her? NO. She said okay both time. I left the door "open." If she got that angry about my cousin, I can't even fathom what she would do if I told her that her mother was dead (40+ years ago!!! Father even longer ago.)
Is it possible to remove the phone from his use? If not, can you give him a list of these people with bogus phone numbers (such as one that might ring busy or disconnected?) If he has a list of these people and their old numbers, I would make those disappear. Typically out of sight, out of mind (when mom gets over-focused on something, I make it disappear and she forgets about it - only once did she have a muddled thought about something that I had removed, but couldn't recall what it was and it never came up again!)
The only other option is to make excuses. Maybe offer to make the call and dial your own number, tell him it is busy/no one is home/you left a message for them to call. Maybe suggest the person is on extended vacation out of the country or on a business trip or even just at work? The last time mom asked me about her mother, I took a chance and said they are in FL. She paused and then said they used to do that, so I lucked out (was afraid she would be upset they didn't ask her to go!) Saving visits to relatives in Canada for summertime!
"Punch in" a phone number that you know won't work and let him talk on the phone. It won't hurt him, and you'd be surprised at the "conversation" he'll have, and then he'll be satisfied, and no one is bothered. Or, punch in a phone number and let him "talk" to the weather forecast. Something to let him think he's talking to someone that will soothe him for the moment.
Program a toll free phone number (say the National Weather Service) into your speed dial, e.g. so that he would just have to punch in 1, 2, 3 or 4 (if that works with your phone). Then if he says anything like "they spoke of the weather," you could play along and say that you made an error and that you'll fix it soon (not, of course).
Hand him a telephone... let him make the calls. I don't really understand what your problem is, about this. I find telling myself, it's the disease, not the person when I'm feeling particularly abused, derailed, invalidated or undermined is helpful, and venting to your supports, like us. XO
Let him call dead people, play along, it really does no harm, He might get upset if he feels you're being condescending, but usually they are just looking to feel some sort of connection with a previous life. The missing question is what to do, if/when a dead person answers.
The answer, is easy;do nothing and simply relax. Give him the phone, If he has a landline, you could remove all chords from the wall. Hopefully the old fashioned phone will relax him. You could have him dial perhaps any random number and he would be happy,
Were telephones a huge part of his previous life? Landlines were how the world connected way back in the previous century. So perhaps he's wanting to dial long-ago landline telephone numbers?
Or is he thinking operators still connect calls? Wherever he is mentally play along. What harm will happen? None. Zero harm will happen. Let him direct where the conversation goes.
Never force him back into 2019. He's old, let him think it's 1955.
If he wants to think it's 1955, let him, since playing along will bring him peace. Youtube has let me understand that 1955 was a quieter time. So if he wants to call dead people, let him, preferably from a landline, if that's possible.
Remember his truth is very different from our truth, so protect him by letting him call dead people. It's better than a request to run a tractor or table saw.
Reading through the responses I had an idea, if you can get him to let you dial and he is using a landline, dial your own number, as long as you don't have call waiting he will get a busy signal or go right to voicemail. This could be done time and again.
If he wants to call numbers that family members still have is it possible to call them and ask if he can call and they can chat with him? It never hurts to ask and I think that talking about our loved ones after they die with others that loved them keeps them close to our hearts and is beneficial for our grief. Not talking about them is like they never existed.
How about - their phone is disconnected but why dont you write them a card? and let him write to others who have passed. Maybe you have old letters/cards from those who passed you can read and reread to him from them (even though they are from the past) He misses those who have gone on. It is a painful thing to be a last generation person
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Or tell him the person has moved and you cannot find their new number?
Fwd. all those numbers to the mortuary?
Sorry, just trying to think outside of the box.
Sorry, I shouldn't be flippant.
Will he let you dial the number and then pass the phone over to him? If so, you can be creative as suggested below - line must be down, straight to voicemail, hmmm that's strange, perhaps the number's changed I expect we'll get a card about it soon etc. etc. etc.
If he insists on dialling by himself, I think you need only intervene if you know the number is still connected to the dead person's family, who might be distressed by getting a call for their relative; and in that case, remind him that it's the wrong time of day, that they never take calls on a Sunday, that they'll just be sitting down to dinner - any excuse to postpone the call indefinitely. Other than that, let him try and be ready to offer sympathy and "puzzlement" when the call is a failure.
In any case, though, can you use his wish to call a particular individual to start a reminiscence about the person and divert him into a conversation?
So when Dad was busy doing something else, I quickly went through his Rolodex and took out all the tradespeople he had in that box, plus telephone numbers of relatives/friends that had passed on. Put those cards in my purse. Dad never did notice... whew !!
You could try saying that so-and-so's number is (area code)555-0whatever, numbers have been officially designated for use in Hollywood movies and TV shows, 555-0100 through 555-0199.
As I posted, true lying is done to hurt or be deceitful. Fibbing or little white lies are used to prevent hurt, which will have to happen over and over again if you tell the "truth!" Redirection/refocusing is a tactic that might work and avoids the "lies", but doesn't always work. Once someone like my mother gets focused on something, she is relentless and will continue to push for what SHE wants. Making excuses or telling little fibs will often satisfy her and leave the "door" open for her to get what she wants later...
I tell my Mom it's either too late or too early to call them cuz they are still asleep. We can try to call them later.
Or tell them that that person went to the store and we can call them when they get home.
I know this sounds like lying to them, it will calm them at that moment. You know in 30 minutes they will have forgotten what you told them.
I'm not a fan of "lying" but diversion is just substituting activities.
Because of my mother's hearing issues, I have tried a few times to be the go-between (when she was still living at home.) SS woman kept asking her if it was okay to talk to me, but mom kept saying "I can't understand you." I could hear the woman from 3-4' away and repeated she just wants to know if it is okay to talk to me. SS woman could hear me, so kept asking quieter and quieter, which was making the issue worse! She didn't understand mom really meant "I can't HEAR you", so she got me on the phone and rudely told me I would have to go to the SS office and hung up. Probably thought I was trying to scam mom, when really all I wanted was to redirect her electronic payments to her primary account so we could close the other account and make it easier for me to manage her finances! I was able to make the change via the credit union (initially they told me they couldn't but I had to show them their instructions and we got it done!)
Eventually I had to go to the SS office as we had moved her to MC and when it was time to sell the place, the only way to change her address to get important paperwork was to take over as rep payee (legally they DO require you to do this, if you are managing their finances. It isn't really hard to do - the worst part was getting the new account needed set up, as they don't do it often and messed it up!)
The other incident was with Discover. When I was able to get mom to understand what the rep was asking, she loudly proclaimed that they are assholes... great mom, so nice! I apologized to the woman. We just needed to order a new card because she thought she lost hers. I was able to cancel the card by phone, but reorder needed to be done from HER phone. Next time she asked me to cancel, I waited a few days, then suggested she check her purse, because when I went to do the first card reorder, she HAD the damn card! Sure enough, it was in her purse, just not in her wallet.
SO much fun!!!
Do you REALLY want to hurt the person over and over and OVER all day EVERY day to tell them the truth, that this person they dearly care about is dead? It would hurt ME as well as the person!!! With dementia, they're NOT going to remember that you told them this repeatedly, you will be getting this question every time the person in question pops into their head. There's no harm in "fibbing" to them. A lie is told to be hurtful and deceitful, while "little white lies" we have to use to help our demented loved ones past a situation that WILL be truly painful are done to save them from the hurt and pain. It is NOT the same as lying.
If the person is just older and infirm, certainly tell them the truth. THEY can process it and will likely remember or only need a reminder now and then (we all get forgetful!) It's NOT the same when dealing with any form of dementia.
If you really cannot stomach a "lie", then find ways to redirect, refocus them onto something else. Deferring the call to later can be tried. Excuses such as the phone is out of order, it's the wrong time of day, etc. will probably fall under the "lie" category for the "truthers" out there, but again, TRUE lies are told to hurt people, whereas "white lies" are to PROTECT the person.
When I recently found out one of my cousins passed away and mentioned it to my mother, she angrily asked why no one told her (but I just did!) After about 9 months in MC (this is year 3), she forgot about her condo, became focused on their previous house and started asking about/for her mother (staff has told me she mentions her father too, but not to me yet.) I have managed to deflect the conversation, so far, as have the staff (No phone in her room - hearing loss and having her call me over and over to ask to go home, nope, all the while not being able to hear me, nope! She will ask them to call her mother, giving them the name and the previous address. THEY make excuses as well, and I have heard them use those on others as well.)
First time mention of her mother to me, she asked if I could drop her off at her house on my way home. Thinking quick I looked at my watch, said it's a little late in the day, not exactly on my way home, maybe tomorrow. She said ok. Then promptly asked if I had a key to that previous house. Looked at my lanyard, said not with me, I can check when I get home. She again said ok, but continued on to say if she had a key she would go stay there tonight!! Lies? Yup. Did it HURT her? NO. She said okay both time. I left the door "open." If she got that angry about my cousin, I can't even fathom what she would do if I told her that her mother was dead (40+ years ago!!! Father even longer ago.)
Is it possible to remove the phone from his use? If not, can you give him a list of these people with bogus phone numbers (such as one that might ring busy or disconnected?) If he has a list of these people and their old numbers, I would make those disappear. Typically out of sight, out of mind (when mom gets over-focused on something, I make it disappear and she forgets about it - only once did she have a muddled thought about something that I had removed, but couldn't recall what it was and it never came up again!)
The only other option is to make excuses. Maybe offer to make the call and dial your own number, tell him it is busy/no one is home/you left a message for them to call. Maybe suggest the person is on extended vacation out of the country or on a business trip or even just at work? The last time mom asked me about her mother, I took a chance and said they are in FL. She paused and then said they used to do that, so I lucked out (was afraid she would be upset they didn't ask her to go!) Saving visits to relatives in Canada for summertime!
The answer, is easy;do nothing and simply relax. Give him the phone, If he has a landline, you could remove all chords from the wall. Hopefully the old fashioned phone will relax him.
You could have him dial perhaps any random number and he would be happy,
Were telephones a huge part of his previous life? Landlines were how the world connected way back in the previous century. So perhaps he's wanting to dial long-ago landline telephone numbers?
Or is he thinking operators still connect calls? Wherever he is mentally play along. What harm will happen? None. Zero harm will happen. Let him direct where the conversation goes.
Never force him back into 2019. He's old, let him think it's 1955.
If he wants to think it's 1955, let him, since playing along will bring him peace. Youtube has let me understand that 1955 was a quieter time. So if he wants to call dead people, let him, preferably from a landline, if that's possible.
Remember his truth is very different from our truth, so protect him by letting him call dead people. It's better than a request to run a tractor or table saw.
If he wants to call numbers that family members still have is it possible to call them and ask if he can call and they can chat with him? It never hurts to ask and I think that talking about our loved ones after they die with others that loved them keeps them close to our hearts and is beneficial for our grief. Not talking about them is like they never existed.
He misses those who have gone on. It is a painful thing to be a last generation person