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Howdy all. My Mom passed away on Easter. I was her POA for finances and medical care, and I'm now her successor executor with Sister 1 being the executor. Some of you may remember my two sisters are narcissistic. S1's having a rough time with Mom's passing. I get that, but she refuses to face the paperwork involved, but she had the energy to get with Mom's lawyer and go nuts about my handling of Mom's finances, even getting Sister 2 involved, and spun up all to the point they accused me of mishandling Mom's finances. After all my work in the past years to arrange Mom's finances and her house so we would't have to go through probate, Mom's lawyer said he'd file for probate and force an accounting. At one point I worried sick whether I needed a lawyer and worried I'd be arrested. Neither sister talked with me about anything other than to be nasty to me.

Finally, Sister 2 arrived one morning with a list of questionable transfers the lawyer wanted me to explain and show receipts. I answered every question, pulling up the monthly statement that I've always compiled, and why it happened. I showed her my notes. They questioned the amounts that I transferred reimbursing myself for Mom's expenses (I can't afford to pay her expenses, only my own). She tried to argue that I should have separated all expenses. I said, "That's stupid. We drink the same milk, use the same roll of toilet paper, and eat the same meals."

I showed S2 all the receipts, notes and how I accounted for Mom's and my expenses--a tedious but easy system. The amounts matched what I transferred every month, and she understood it all. Finally, she said she had no more questions and called S1 immediately that she was satisfied with all my answers and the receipts, that I wasn't nervous at her questioning (I hid it great apparently), and that she believes my accounting of Mom's money was satisfactory. S1 was like "Okay, I'll notify Lawyer."

I can't stand it. They put me through another hell immediately after Mom's death, never having included me in any talks about Mom's finances, and didn't even apologize or anything for accusing me after working so hard to Mom's benefit.

Now, S1 constantly exclaims that she can't handle Mom's checking account, the life insurance claim, other finances, and has done nothing about dealing with Mom's estate--except getting the lawyer spun up and then when I offered to write the check for a pharmacy bill we got for Mom, she said she didn't know how much was left in Mom's checking account. I exclaimed, "There's eight thousand dollars in there!" She admitted being told to remove a lot and she doesn't even know how much she took out! She doesn't know anything and just flails her arms.

At that point, I am refusing to touch anything to do with Mom's finances, even the checking account, and I'm on the account. I refused her tonight when she pushed me to write the checks. I will not write a check or do anything with the finances after being dragged into hell for no reason. After Mom died, I had asked her if she wanted me to take over as executor. (Before Mom died S1 was happy to agree to my being executor as S1 said she couldn't do it.)

Now I'm concerned about what's happened with Mom's finances and whether she will properly take care of Mom's estate. The bills are still sitting here. I don't want the responsibility of being executor at this point. I do NOT want to put myself out there for Sisters' abuse anymore.

Do any of you have any suggestions? I go back home at the end of this month. We have a buyer for Mom's house. I can't wait to go home, but I do feel a desire to make sure Mom's estate is properly taken to its end. Right now I'm scared that will not happen.

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MM, I'm so sorry that your mom passed away!

I would leave these two to their own devices and go home.
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Thank you, BarbB. I think you're right.

I have all Mom's finances and personal business--every scrap of paper--all boxed up in a two-foot-long box, with an envelope in cash (less than $100), her Visa card, and a CD of every electronic file of Mom's that are on my computer. Three times I've asked her to let me walk her through the box. S1 refuses to even look at any of it.
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Send box to lawyer. Or to S1. Insure it; return reciept, the whole nine yards. You've discharged your responsibilities.

Have a safe trip back to your home, Mountain; you done good!
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Moose, it has only been a couple of weeks since mom passed. It will take some time. Try to relax, go home and take care of yourself. I would not leave the box with your twisted sisters unless you have copies of everything. You may need it.
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I'm so sorry about your mom...

Yep, my thoughts exactly. Scan or photocopy everything and keep a file. Keep the originals handy in case they come asking for it. If I were you, I wouldn't write out any checks. You are Not the executer to do this. Don't do anything that would get them to accuse you of touching the money. You offered, you tried. They obviously don't trust you. So, back away...

If sister is telling the truth (is she? or is she bluffing?) that it's going through probate, you would have received a letter from the lawyer about it. We're going through this now with my father. We siblings received the letter from the lawyer which included the copy of the Will and the court date. We went to court. The judge called each one of us - one at a time - to identify ourselves, how we were related to the deceased and do we approve our brother (assigned by Dad's Will ) to be the Executer and of the Will.

Just be careful about signing anything as 'executor'. Your sister may be acting dramatic to 'woe is me', etc.. knowing if she draws it out, you will be going home soon. You know them better. Go with your guts. Decide if it's worth stressing over. You take care. {HUGS}
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"..she said she didn't know how much was left in Mom's checking account. I exclaimed, "There's eight thousand dollars in there!" She admitted being told to remove a lot and she doesn't even know how much she took out! She doesn't know anything and just flails her arms. " This is pretty telling. I'm willing to bet sis has removed most or all of the money. Start making HER account for it. Sit her down and DEMAND she show proof of funds.
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The question is, who told sister to remove money and for what purpose? She might have taken out money to make sure she could pay bills (if they froze the account on death) but she should be able to articulate that. It sounds like she's not wanting to pay bills, so I'm not sure what's going on. I agree with Xenajada - make her account for all of it.
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MountainMoose, I sympathize with what you've been going through with providing your your mother's care while your sisters cause problems. One particular thing you said that I think may be important is "At that point, I am refusing to touch anything to do with Mom's finances, even the checking account, and I'm on the account." Depending on exactly how you are listed "on the account," the funds in it may be legally yours and/or you may be the only person who can legally access those funds. I suggest contacting the bank to find out the status of that account. Your sister may have acted illegally when she withdrew funds from it and, if so, that might give you leverage to force her to quit being difficult.
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Take the box to a Staples, have them copy everything & then mail one copy to yourself back home. Take care of YOU now.
You’ve gone through an awful lot & your mom just passed away.
Your sisters can wait, really.
Shame on them, for goodness sakes.
You need to decompress and just grieve. 
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Good advice from above posters. But about avoiding probate - sometimes probate can be a great thing! Avoidance strategies can work IF all the family can work together and all can be trusted. But , if not, then a legal referee process such as probate can save a lot of grief. There is an accountability process there that can deter some funny business and outright fraud. In too many cases, probate costs are indeed dollars well spent.
And transparency is crucial. A lot of problems start because of lack of transparency, of not having information. Sometimes family members say they don't want to get involved and then later they question, when they should have paid attention in the first place. But sometimes family members don't get involved because they know the "golden child" is sacrosanct and it would be a waste of time and cause nothing but bad feeling if they did assert themselves.
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Remind your sister there is this little thing called a BANK STATEMENT... it will show her withdrawals....LOL
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My name was in dad's saving/checking accounts. I was authorized to withdraw from it. In all the years I was withdrawing for my dad, only one teller told me that when my dad passes away, the account will be frozen. The bank will wait to see who's the heirs and split the money equally.

By the way, once probate started, dad's savings/checking account was wiped out, only under $100.00 remain. The lawyer's secretary told my SIL that she was surprised that nobody took out all the money from the account after he died.
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Thank you all for your thoughts! I had no perspective, and what you wrote was eye-opening. I appreciate reading your thoughts and suggestions. I am on the checking account as a joint owner as is Sister 1. According to the bank a few years ago, when Mom dies S1 and I can continue using that account; it's not frozen. That was a relief.

I'll go to the bank and get a statement of my own. I'm perfectly entitled to see it. In the several hours I couldn't sleep last night, this'll be my own checking up on S1 to see when/how much she removed, maybe start a private list of money transfers and ensure she presents us with a full and accurate accounting later on.

Bottom line: I'm not taking over as executor if S1 steps down. I won't put myself through Sisters' harassment though in a few weeks I'll be out of state. I think I'm going to do one of two things: pull items from the box of finances and keep such things as all the receipts (since S2 said she saw no red flags in my handling of them) and other papers S1-executor won't need; or scan things in so I can honestly say EVERYTHING is there. I prefer the second. It's all in my computer.

Thank you all for your suggestions!
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Moose, make sure you backup that file. I certainly understand not wanting to drag around that box with you! I have several boxes with papers and could have a bonfire with them. Not today though burn ban day with blizzard coming in.
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Thank you, gladimhere. I'm a back-up fiend!
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UPDATE: In the two months I've been home (what a rush of relief when I crossed out of that state!), I've been under a doctor's care for extreme exhaustion and PTSD. I'm on antidepressants for another month. I'm doing much better! I hadn't heard from Sister 1 and Sister 2 until a bit over a week ago. They caught me blindsided like they always do.

They'd analyzed my monthly financial statements to Mom and concluded I wasn't entitled to reimbursements for much of the car expenses. They plan to "dock" me and lower my inheritance about $7,000 because of it. As S2 went through the list, she repeated numerous times "This'll cost yah." As with everything those two throw at me, I was stunned. Sister 2 said she'd send me a spreadsheet of what they said I'm not entitled to. It's been over a week and I still haven't received it.

I had vacillated between just accepting whatever money I'm sent and never have to speak to them again (because I'm still worn out of it all and I had decided last year I'm never speaking to them again as they're no loss to me) or fighting. I chose the latter. I've had it with my sisters' narcissism and abuse.

Last week I left a message with Mom's lawyer that I have concerns over the handling of the estate. I will tell him I want to go through probate and get a post-death accounting of Mom's finances.

The lawyer hasn't returned my call yet but my view is I have serious concerns from Sister 1's (the executor) handling of the finances since Mom's death, and I do not believe S1 and S2 can retroactively refute what I did since I believe they're all reasonable.

Plus, I will tell the Lawyer I want S1 and S2 to explain to the judge how is it they were paid monthly for any care or expenses they may have incurred on Mom's behalf--yet I was never paid. I want them to tell the judge why they were reimbursed 100% for any expenses they chose to incur, such as buying Mom clothes she didn't need or yard improvements that weren't necessary, yet they deny my reimbursements for about half the car expenses--the car I wouldn't have had in the first place had I stayed home.

I'll accept a judge's decision--if the judge agrees with S1 and S2, I'll apologize and make it right--but I will not accept S1 and S2's decision as this smacks of being personal and them padding their own wallets at my expense, which is illegal. Whichever way it goes, I'll be happy to have been given a fair review.

ROVANA: Thank you for your earlier post about probate can be a good thing. I've thought so often of it. You're a main reason why I'm pushing for probate--let the truth prevail. 
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Moose, your sisters sound like two of the biggest idiots out there. You're right; they're no loss.

Good for you for insisting on probate.
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MM, I have not read the responses completely, however, I see you stated your name is on the account. Do you realize that you will be personally responsible for any overdrafts on this account? You need to get your name off or close the account, your sisters are obviously not dealing with full decks and the last thing you need is paying for bounced checks.

I'm so sorry that you lost your mom and have had to face all this crap from your siblings. You should have been paid well for carrying their lack of care for your mom. Protect yourself and go be happy.

HUGS 2U!
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FINAL UPDATE: So after no communication from S1 and S2--who would not answer my calls and never sent the promised financial file--today I received my "inheritance" certified check from Executor-S1 for $6,000 less than what, by all rights, it should have been. After speaking with two attorneys, a police officer, and a district court clerk, my only recourse is to hire an attorney and file a lawsuit. One of the attorneys, who would have been my attorney had I pursued this, made it clear I'd be in the hole financially when it was all said and done.

For leaving my home empty, sequestering myself in my mom's house to be her full-time caregiver and give my two sisters a break, putting my life on hold on 14 months, damaging my mental, emotional, and physical health, I've lost or went deeper into a hole of about $14,000. I can't but think Mom would be appalled.

So, bottom line: be aware that an executor can ignore the deceased's will and intent, steal from a beneficiary, and get away with it. I float between rage, numbness, exhaustion, and tears.
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First, want to TU for the update. We always like to know how things worked out. This may help someone else.

So sorry that it worked out this way. Please, let it go. Maybe not today but soon. I would never talk to ur sisters again. You have a very good reason not to. Go on with ur life and make a family from friends. What goes around comes around. And it does! I have seen it. Someday they will come to you for something and please say no. They will probably go right thru their inheritance because they r greedy people. You owe them nothing. Just know, you were there for Mom. Something good is in ur future.
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Thank you, JoAnn29. I know I appreciate follow-ups from posters too. I never will talk with them again. They both have complained in the past they have no friends they can count on. Gee, I wonder why!? I'm back in my mountain village surrounded by people who I know have my back. They are my family now.
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Yep, write them off as an expensive worthless educational experience, wait, not worthless, now you know and can block all future contact. Sometimes people suck! I'm sorry caring cost you so much, but I do believe you have stored up rewards.

Happy future! HUGS 2U!
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Ahhh, Moose I understand where you are. Same kind of stuff here, me also two twisted. I will never understand I know but it took forever for me to get there. Probably not even all the way there yet. It was best for me to just let it go. I will be ok and you will too.
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Thank you, Isthisrealyreal and gladimhere! I can't thank enough the good people on this forum. You all have been lifesavers.
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Good luck Moose; your cautionary tale may well help others here.

I'm curious, did the will go through probate? I ask, because we are in the midst of probating my mom's will. Every couple of weeks since she died back in August, I'd get a letter from the attorney for the estate with an accounting, asking if I wanted to challenge anything. And finally the other day, an accounting of what we were each getting, and again, asking if I wanted to file a challenge. Is that the same process you went through?
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BarbBrooklyn: Mom's will didn't go through probate. Since I was her GDPOA for finances (and health) I had it all set up so we wouldn't have to go through probate. Her estate was modest, so I never saw the point to wasting time and money to do it.

On a side note, I had expected to act as Mom's executor. She appointed my sister, S1, as the executor and me as her successor executor in her will, but S1 was adamant for years she couldn't do it and didn't want it. I told her, since I had all her accounts that I already had all the information and would do it. She was relieved about that. But when Mom died, when I asked her if she wanted to step down from it, she just waved her arms and said, "We'll all do it together."

Needless to say, I took that to mean she'd do it, but I learned fast there was no way I'd touch any finances of Mom's estate because S1 was acting so weird and removing Mom's funds.

One of the two attorneys I spoke with was Mom's own attorney. He was horrifically rude when I said I wanted to go through probate because of S1 and S2's actions and I wanted to ensure Mom's wishes and final accounting was proper. He said "there was no estate to go through probate." I was flabbergasted.
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Thank you MM for sharing your experience including the update. I see what my future may hold with 6 twisteds & im always learning from this great group on here.
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