Just visited my wife today and she was standing alone by the exit door. What can I do?

Richie it' is a problem as old as time. I am always reminded of the bible verse "I tell you the truth, when you were young, you were able to do as you liked; you dressed yourself and went wherever you wanted to go. But when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and others will dress you and take you where you don't want to go." We can't fix our loved ones, nothing we say or do will take away the mental pain at the failure of their minds and bodies. The best we can do is care for them or provide for their care, be kind, and love them.

Your wife is lucky to have such a thoughtful advocate.Stay with the therapy,it helps.That was my biggest mistake in not going to therapy as soon as my mother moved in.Getting help for myself help out my mom in the long run.

Richie, it's pretty clear you're going through some really painful emotional times trying to decide what's best for your wife. And you're also having some intense guilty feelings and second guessing.

I haven't had a chance to read all your previous messages so the gist of her situation is what I'm getting just from your posts in this thread.

So I would ask you:

What were the reasons you chose an AL placement rather than have her remain at home with you? Do those reasons still exist? Assuming they do, have you thought of ways to cope or deal with them for both you and your wife? And assuming again that they still exist, how will you cope with them now that you've seen an alternative? What if any changes can be made, and/or what if any attitude re-examinations can be made to accept the situations?

On other issues, was the decision made because it would be better for her or you (and I'm not trying to place you in an awkward position, but rather to help assess the rationale, whether it still exists, whether it's a copeable (is there such a word?) situation, or whether the issues could/would reassert themselves if she came home.

If the at-home issues are insurmountable or intolerable and you feel she's better in an AL facility, what changes can you make to spend more time with her, ease the transition, and still remain emotionally close? In other words, if the given is that it's best for her and for you as well to continue in AL, how can you adapt your own positions and feelings to address each of your own independent qualms?

Not that it's any consolation, but I think the "is it better" issues are inherent in probably every caregiving situation at one level or another.

You are a reasonable person. You stated your argument in a well , thought out manner. First my biggest mistake was not getting help. I tried to do it all by myself.
Now Iwill forget reason and tell you that I Love Her, remember, Helen of Troy. Love makes the world go round and it's not, for the most part,"reasonable"

She has primary progressive aphasia. She must be frustrated. She used to say to people," I'm not stupid!", thinking thats how people found her when she couldn't get a word out. She does have memory issues, however sometimes she can get her thoughts out. Yes, her memory is most clear concerning her mother and father.

It is genetic it is progressive. Her Dr. said that eventually she would just sit a chair and listen to music

She is in AL thats why shes upset. You see that when we were together in the house she followed me and would only eat what I ate.I was her last connection to the world.
Please DO NOT take this seriously, I can understand why there are, "murder-suicides".

Richie, can your wife write down or type out her thoughts, or is that difficult for her? I cannot imagine what you are going through after all these years.

You have a difficult decision to make. You could always bring her back home for one more try otherwise you would be always wondering "what if" if you didn't. Is there any type of counseling where you could learn new ideas on how to manage or re-director your wife's combativeness? Could he hire a Caregiver who is familiar with this type of illness or would your wife not accept outside help?

She can't write or type-it has to do with language. We were in counseling for 5 years and it helped. The best advice we got from the counceler toward the end was take vacations together as many as you can and we had 4 glorious vacations. By the way, I'm still in therapy?

Hi. I feel this way. Mother is in a NH and mother in law is in an AL facility. They are getting along fine - but no cognitive problems.

They are safe. They are clean they are fed.

I do have to stay away or Mother starts to rely on me and asks to go by the house. She cannot walk. So, she can't do that.

Just yesterday an elderly woman walked away from a hotel here, in Tucson. Her husband did not know that she left the room. He was asleep. She gave the car keys to 2 men and they took her AND the car. She was found alive, in Phoenix.

But, think what could have happened. Good luck to you.