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My dad told me he was going to stay at his condo until he died!!!! Then his one day a week, relatively new in home caregiver told him he thinks he should move in with me. Now he says he should move in with me since that is what she says. He is perfectly happy barking orders at me when I am at his condo....get me more tea, put some ice in it, fix me some eggs, you didn't put salt and pepper on them (I did, dad), you didn't put enough salt and pepper on them, etc.
My dad has a walker, but has some knee problems that apparently makes walking painful. So I think he would rather sit and have someone do everything for him. For those of you who have loved ones living with you, do you jump when they say jump? How am I going to have him live with my husband and me?

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I think back then children were almost viewed as things to be seen not heard. My grandmother was like that. She would not allow me to eat in the dinning room until I was a certain age which I don't recall what the age was. I ate with the help in the kitchen for years. That really made me feel part of the family! My dad's parents weren't like that at all.

My dad's dad was from the coal mines of WVa and he bettered himself by graduating from high school instead of being like his drunk brothers. From there he got a job with an electric company in another state. The rest is history.

On the other hand, my mother's mom was an ophan who inherited four farms and like my dad's mom was highly educated for a woman in her day. Where she got her views of children I have no idea.
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If you decide to have him move in and you begin to wait on him hand and foot,you will have to keep doing it and also it is good to let the person do whatever it is to keep up their mind and strength,so let them do what they can.It is very hard,yet satisfying work .Best of luck to you whatever you decide.
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amicable and cmagnum, great comments on "children of the depression" that we are looking after. One of the things that has brought "us siblings" together is trying to piece together the special flavor that depression era elderly have. My brother nailed it by observing that we should "use things but love people" rather than "loving things and using people".
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Amicable, I have often wished for an edit button like on Facebook.
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The history lecture on the great depression in college could have been modified into a sermon on the love of money is the root of all evil. It was greed and people spread themselves too thin with their money in hopes of making more.
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I meant your sister in law, not your wife...wish there was an "edit post" function! Perhaps I could learn to read over my writing before hitting the button LOL!
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Funny how the Great Depression is still depressing us. The things we learned like "use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without" are still the mantras of frugality. We're overweight because our parents didn't know if or when they were going to eat again, and it was drilled into their heads, and subsequently ours, to eat every last bite. We hoard material things because waste is a sin and we should never throw anything out because it might come in handy someday (even if it's easily replaceable). So we end up with physical, emotional and material baggage that instead of improving our situation, sabotages it. I suspect the many years of that kind of thinking that Mommie Dearest drummed into her head are what you're fighting. I see a lot on here about detaching with love....but it's a shame your wife can't just seem to manage it. The biggest shame is like that of living with depression...when you have it and don't get treatment, you feel bad but the people who have to live with you are also unfairly miserable. I wonder if it would make any difference if she saw it from that angle. My heart goes out to all of you.
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Amicable, if you are referring to my sister in law, she's not on this site, facebook or anything like that. She reads her e-mail and that is as online as she gets. I don;t think anything to read would help because she's been told the same things by her therapist whom she claims she can't afford which is bogus because we are on the same insurance companies and I know basically how much money she gets. She and her husband live poor, but they are not. She takes the left overs that her mom does not eat at the assisted living home for her husband and her to eat. Their refrigerator is always full of that food every time we visit.

I could not stand to live that way. Very seldom, they do go out but always to somewhere that she has cupolas for.

My wife and I are back in the hotel room detoxing from today by doing what we enjoy and see no need to talk about things because this is my SIL's problem. I even told her husband tonight that this war is his wife's problem and like I learned, just stay out of it.
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ahhh...I'm slow but I can catch on if you give me a little time :) I wonder if there's some way to help her "see the light" before she has to make that decision. Does she read what others answer to your posts?
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Here's something else to consider and I apologize in advance as it isn't a happy thought. He's probably not going to get better and he might get much, much worse very, very quickly. Today it might be fixing dinner and washing some clothes but tomorrow it might be diapers and refusing to get out of bed. You must consider that. I truly though my mother would live out her days as a relatively happy little old lady and until very recently nothing gave me any reason to think otherwise. Now in the span of less than two months she's become like an infant.
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Amicable, i am here because my wife needed me to drive her here

I am here in body only which I learned to do as a child.

My sister in law keeps trying to reason with a person who sees her as still being a child and isn't a separate person. Emotionally my SIL is still in her mother's womb which my wife worked hard to get out of

I despise what emotional incest does to adult children. So much for the poem about what little girls are made of because my MIL wasn't made with those nice ingredients.
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sorry that was autocorrected! c MAG not crag! lol
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crag…you've coached me through some really tough times in that very situation with good common sense, now why would you want to put yourself in the same position? You know at his age, it would be VERY difficult to change old habits even if he genuinely wanted to. Unless there's some REALLY compelling reason, I would really think about the effect it will have on you and your SO… I used to wait on my mom hand and foot…anything, everything she needed, but like I told her the other night…I've been bending over backwards for 10 years to see that you were happy, and if you're still not happy, it's not my fault. Something just clicked in me (largely because of what you told me about dysfunctional families!) and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. May all the good spirits guide you in your decision :)
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Always remember that you are not married to your parents and you deserve to be treated like an adult not abused again like a child or even treated like a child. Abusive people don't change no matter what you do.
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In my opinion, it is absolutely CRUCIAL that you encourage him to do all that he can do. Think about it. Just the same way he encouraged you when you were a child.

"Dad!! What you don't use? You're going to lose. Get it yourself," oh, if I thought about it, there's nicer way to say that. BUT! Speaking as a daughter who insisted mom persevere? You will never be sorry.

I mean, don't become a Nurse Ratchett, but surely be his cheerleader...
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Good point, cmagnum, that moving a parent in must be a joint decision with your partner/spouse/SO. Mine was agreeable, and made a real effort to help--until dad starting verbally attacking him, claiming he didn't belong in the house, etc. That was the point when I told dad you cannot stay here, because I am not willing to lose SO because of you.
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Along with asking for your husband's input, ask yourself if your husband treated you like your dad does would you want to live with him.

From what I've read on AC and seen in life, those who cater too much are trying to get a mean parent to be loving which is not going to be. More often than not, they end up loosing their spouse because they honored their parent more than their marriage.

My SIL is in such a relationship right now. He's angry and she doesn't see it.
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I think it is very hard to stand up to parents if that hasn't been your pattern in the past, and it seems to be even harder to start doing it once they're old and frail. There's still a part of you (me) that views them as having rightful authority, or that maybe wants to please them and keep their approval, or that at least doesn't want to call them out on acting like a spoiled 2 year old.

I often say about caregiving that, by the time you get your feet under you, you're in it up to your neck. Part of getting your feet under you is learning to stand up for yourself against a tyrannical parent. But by the time you learn to do that, they've already set up patterns and expectations of being catered to and waited on. It's a lot harder to stop doing these things once the expectations and patterns are settled in.

If your father feels free to order you around now, he'll certainly feel even more free once he's a full-time guest in your house. Don't move him in unless you can establish boundaries and stick to them.

The tricky part, I believe, is that you may not mind doing certain things for them, but you do mind being ordered, and demanded, and expected to do what they want. Truth to tell, I'm still fighting this battle with my mother, constantly, and I don't live with her. If I insist that she ASK me to do something instead of TELLING me to do it, she'll say "PLEASE do it." in an aggrieved tone of voice that makes clear that she thinks I'm being a pain in the butt over nothing. She just doesn't get it the concept of asking nicely, because she truly believes in her heart that my mission in life is to do her bidding. This could be what you'll end up dealing with as well.
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Everything cmgnum & Jessie said, times 1000. I'm in the process of extracting myself from the mess created when I let my dad move in with us in January. And he was never anywhere near as demanding before that than your dad. But he wants things the way he wants things, and in pretty much every case that's not the way we have chosen to have them.

Assisted living paperwork is signed, with luck he'll be moved there by the end of the week. Not a day too soon!
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I expect what the caregiver suggested was that he shouldn't live alone any longer, and rather than consider assisted living you became the default option. Most of us who wait on our loved ones do it because they can no longer do for themselves due to advanced dementia or physical limitations.
Moving someone in who wants a built in servant and wouldn't even be grateful is a recipe for disaster. Think hard before making this choice, you would have to establish boundaries right from the start or years of personal sacrifice, resentment and eventual burnout are inevitable.
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Thanks for your thoughts. They are mine as well. That is why I asked if sons and daughters cater to their loved ones. I think it will drive me crazy and wear me out! I have talked to dad about assisted living. He refuses! There is no discussion. Being around others his own age is not a positive for him. He is reclusive and has no friends. He has fallen 4 times in 7 days and I told him he should move in with us. That is when he scowled and said he was going to stay in his condo until he died. I am an only child and we basically have no relatives.
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Before you move your father in make sure that you husband is ok with it. If you think your dad treats you without respect now just wait until it's 24/7 everyday all day. I am not saying not to let him move in but make sure before you do that he absolutely can not live independently or have a caregiver coming in. Just a thought. I do live with my mom who has dementia but doesn't do anything for herself because before her husband died he did everything for her. Her immobility is due to many years of just sitting. I do the best I can daily with God's help.
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From what you write, cjbailey, I have a feeling your life would be miserable if you moved your father in. I was wondering why the caregiver felt she could advise him to move in with you. You and he should be the only ones to have any say in that. If you do move your father in, he will become bossier and more demanding as time wears on. It is the way it goes. Since he has a condo now, why not just sell the condo and let him move into assisted living? He'll be around people his own age there and may like it better. The only thing he won't have there is you to boss around. :)
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Read the many stories here before you do. Your dad sounds like he will demand that he is the number one man in your life and that will drive a wedge between you and your husband. Honor your marriage and your own health first.
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