I want to go to a support group, but my mother thinks that means I don't love her. How can I handle this?

You very much deserve to go to a support group. There must be some reason that you feel the need for your mom to know where you are going and why. Otherwise, I would tell you to just go and not tell her. What she doesn't know can't hurt her. That being said, you going to a support group is not, in my opinion, one of those things that should hurt her. When you say that she thinks you wouldn't need support if you loved her reminds me of my mother. She had borderline personality disorder and would never have understood that taking care of her when she had advanced dementia was a difficult thing for me. She would have said something along the lines of "you sure are selfish. . .you're just thinking about yourself. . .you don't care anything about me. . .this wouldn't be hard for you if you cared about me, it would be a blessing for you if you weren't so selfish.. .. blah, blah, blah." Yeah, I'm starting counseling to try to overcome a lifetime of her talking to me that way. At any rate, in answer to your question, find a way to go to your support group. . .you very much need things like that when you become a caregiver. Explain to mom that the group helps charge your batteries after a long day of caregiving. If she's the kind of person who won't understand that (like my mother was), then you may need to get some counseling to learn tools to deal with her unreasonable expectations on you. I know how soul-killing living with someone like that can be. Best wishes to you.

This is none of her business. Just go. Why does she even know about this ? I have learned to ignore these kinds of manipulations and move on to another subject.

Meallen; I know the site says that you'll get an answer in 10 minutes, but we're all just normal people on this site. Most of us are caregivers. I buried my mom yesterday, so I'm guilty for laziness I guess, lol! (that REALLY WAS a joke).

So, tell us why, as an adult, you are needing to tell your mom where you are going? Do you live with your mom, or she with you? Do you tell her everything about everything? (that was a real question)

meallen - I can't tell from your post whether your mother is extremely insecure or extremely manipulative. The bottom line is, you need to do what you need to do for yourself, regardless of whether your mother feels loved or not. It can't be your life purpose to make her feel loved. If she thinks it is, she's wrong. You can repeat yourself until you're blue in the face but if everything you do means she's unloved then that's what she's going to think regardless of what you do.

I didn't see your post before this because the threads I have already participated in occupy the top lines in my newsfeed, and I often don't get past those to view new threads unless I really have time on my hands. I suspect it's the same for many posters here.

I'm sorry, I wish you had had a prompt response, but I for one didn't see the title to your thread until just now.

To an outsider, I agree, this does look a really straightforward case of emotional blackmail. But your mother has overdone it, by relating every single thing she wants you to do or not do to how much you "love" her; and when it comes to it it's not like you need her permission to leave the house and go wherever you please.

So don't pay the ransom. You know you love her - that's how come you're still with her! :) - and you can prove it. In sensible ways, like looking after her nicely and being her caring daughter. Not in crazy ways that make no sense, like pretending you don't need any friends or any help or any contact with your peers.

meallen - I'll add something to my reply out of personal experience. My older sister, the one who died last year, was similar to your mother in terms of black and white thinking. Among other things, she demanded extreme amounts of loyalty - if she was angry at another person, she considered it the height of disloyalty for me to speak to that person, even if her anger had no reasonable basis. She demanded that everyone take her side and defend her in any disagreement, even if she was dead wrong. So I know from experience, there's no pleasing such a person other than giving in to the most ridiculous demands. She had a vendetta against my mother's live-in caretaker because she believed the caretaker had talked about her (my sister) behind her back. If she had lived, my mother's home care arrangement would have been impossible due to my sister's vehement objections. I don't even know if my sister was extremely insecure or just being manipulative - maybe both. I did know that I could not organize my life (or my mother's care) around my sister's beliefs and wishes. And I don't think you can or should do that with your mother, either.

How could you be happy being away from your mother for a week unless it's true that you don't really love her?

I do wonder what you would think if someone you liked asked you that question about herself. Anyway.

What made you happy was the relief from stress and intrusion. Supposing your mother maintained this grip on you physically, rather than emotionally, say by means of a tight strap on your wrist? Take it off for a week and you would be happy to be pain free because the grip is too tight, not because you don't love her.

Clearly, from your second post, there are a good many issues that you're having to handle all at once. I won't start up on my usual thousand-and-one supplementary questions; but please know that we are listening and we do care.

Well----
My mother is furious with me b/c I have been in therapy on and off (very much ON now) for the last 20 years. Her guilt over how she allowed me to be treated and her lack as a competent, caring parent did affect me, very deeply. She feels guilty and thinks my therapy is a "look at me" situation. Few people know (nor care) that I see a therapist.

I do not see why it is ANY of mother's business. Yours or mine. Your lives are so intertwined and convoluted--I bet your kids don't even know to whom to turn. You are in a pretty unhealthy dynamic--but if you chose it, who am I to judge.

From your first post, where you say "10 minutes and no answer--guess I am not worthy of this" was telling. People rarely really answer within 10 minutes!!

You DO need help, and you DO need to step up to mom whatever her age or situation.

People who constantly need reassurance that they are loved--and I mean CONSTANT often have some deep seated emotional needs. You need to learn how to readapt your thinking.

I could NOT live for 24 hours with my mother, I don't know how you do it.

Good luck with the therapy, the changing meds (been there, still doing that--yuck!) and hang in there. You have some tough choices to make.

About that claim of a 10 minute response time ... that was added when the site was redesigned. Many of us objected to that, because it just isn't true. Sometimes a response is almost immediate, but depending on time of day, how many other posts are new, and who happens to be on the site, it can take quite a bit (or a lot) longer!

I am sorry about that post. I was feeling very, very low that day.