I never could get away with lying to my mom, she nailed it every time as a kid. Dementia has changed things, but she still has that ability. She wants to go home, I tell her not right now, or not today, or it's too late in the day to do a 200 mile drive. But then she says, suuurree, and when can we in a sarcastic voice, or claims she lives around the corner.
Asks where the other people who were here earlier are (no one but us has been here), say they left, went to store....no dice. Why are you lying to me?????
Looking for husband (deceased), that he is not here, then worries that he isn't well (he died of cancer)
Won't be redirected, tells me I'm ignoring what she said.
Yesterday I went into the kitchen to break things up, and she went out the front door and was standing in the driveway.
Now she says I hate her because I haven't taken her home....I'm exhausted
But at some point this also will not work.
You can not argue, you can not reason. You will never win!
You can agree
You can try to engage in more conversation. It sounds like when you try to redirect her she thinks you are trivializing what she is saying. Validate what she is saying and see if that works.
The conversation about where did the people go...Ask her where she thinks they went. About her husband...Where do you think he is and take the conversation from there. If she gets upset at the thought that he is dead do not bring it up again on this you should try to change the subject.
The front door and any other she can get out of..Try placing a large black or dark rug in front of the door. Some people with dementia think that there is a hole in front of the door and will not go across it. Someone else on this forum put more door knobs on the door and it confuses her loved one they can not figure out what knob will open the door. An alarm that is normally on a bed, can be placed on the floor by the door an alarm will sound if she steps on it.
For you and your mother, it might be possible to use it to explain why she isn’t living there. ‘Look, this is where you fell down going to the bathroom’. ‘Don’t you remember how hard those steps used to be’. ‘I’m not sure that you could put things away in those high cupboards now’. ‘It’s so big – it was so hard for me to do the cleaning there as well as for my own house’. And no, you won't be lying to her!
Just an idea to consider. Best wishes.
Your statements about her comments reveal the products of a brain in which fact is no longer fact.
Why would you be exhausted by her utterances? More likely you are exhausted by trying to think of ways to help her make sense of her own thinking, and as we all have painfully learned YOU CAN’T DO THAT, and that will not happen.
Let her talk, let her tell you that she hates you and you are a fool, let her tell you that Prince Charles stole her nightgown........ none of her thinking is right, so none of what she says is right.
SAFETY is quite another thing. You do need to be sure she cannot put herself somewhere dangerous when you are not watching her. If you find that she cannot be trusted to be by herself at all, as my own mom was, you will have to hire caregivers to watch her while you aren’t present.
Remember, what she says is NOT something to hold against her, nor is it interactive as communication.
We are in the process of transitioning to assisted living. Move in today. Im staying with her tonight. Thought she would be glad to be around her things, maybe even more confortable. But its been eye opening. She has been staying with me for six months, and I have taken her home for several events, like grandchild dance recital, her birthday to celebrate with friends, etc.
But she completely denies that this is her couch, or dresser, or photos on walls.
But the people her have been very welcoming, and she enjoyed all the people who came and introduced themselves. So maybe a glimmer of hope. This place has independent living, assisted living and memory care
She has been more confused since a recent fall and overnight hospitalization. Her doctor feels that she might get better as she heals and adjusts. I hope it works out and she can enjoy assisted living before her condition requires memory care.
I also have a problem lying to Mom, so I redirect or answer most of the time with versions of the truth. As a Christian I consider death the ultimate healing and heaven the ultimate home so when my mother asks about a deceased relative or an illness he/she once had I answer with "she's back home and doing fine now, her wild days are behind her" (Mom most often worries about a younger sister). Often when she gets started about wanting to visit her aunts or her parents, I can postpone ("It's so cold today, maybe tomorrow will be nicer to get out.") or usually reorient her back to the current time. "You're 88 years old now and I'm 56. You and your siblings and cousins are the older generation now. If your daddy were still alive he would be 115 years old now". Mom will often respond with memories of the person's death, followed by some memories of when they were living. Mom stays oriented in the here and now better when she watches the local news and reads the newspaper. The best redirection is to start talking about her grandchildren or great-grandchildren.
If you told her the truth, would she also accuse you of lying? If so, you are in a difficult place! I know if I told my mother that her mother, or a younger sister (more recent reference) were gone, it would upset her a lot! She also would forget, so she would have to relive that upset every time I told her they were gone. I am fortunate in that most responses work and she accepts them (such as deferring a trip to a previous home, her mother's, etc., reasons being time, weather, they are in FL or some such.)
Hopefully you can find a way around these. The repetition alone can be hard, but being unable to field her responses is worse! At the very least, don't feel guilty for trying to skirt the issues.
She doesn't believe the truth, and she pushes back on the redirects...dont change the subject!
Hopefully once we get her settled in Assisted Living with her things around her it will be better. If she will walk into the building! She agreed, but probably wont remember that.