Ways to redirect?

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Ways to redirect?

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I never could get away with lying to my mom, she nailed it every time as a kid. Dementia has changed things, but she still has that ability. She wants to go home, I tell her not right now, or not today, or it's too late in the day to do a 200 mile drive. But then she says, suuurree, and when can we in a sarcastic voice, or claims she lives around the corner.
Asks where the other people who were here earlier are (no one but us has been here), say they left, went to store....no dice. Why are you lying to me?????
Looking for husband (deceased), that he is not here, then worries that he isn't well (he died of cancer)
Won't be redirected, tells me I'm ignoring what she said.
Yesterday I went into the kitchen to break things up, and she went out the front door and was standing in the driveway.
Now she says I hate her because I haven't taken her home....I'm exhausted

Alzheimer's & Dementia Dementia Behaviors Mom

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I could have written your post. I go through this every evening. She lives with me and my boyfriend. Last night she was adamant about going home. She is 600 miles away from her home which has been sold. But she is not even talking about that home. She is talking about her childhood home. She finally asked me if she could walk home since it was just around the corner. I acted real sad and asked if if she couldn't just stay with me This one night cuz Ted was sick and I needed her emotional support. She didnt hesitate to say she would. Of course she wanted to make sure that "they" knew up home that she would not be coming home. I told her I had already called them. She said who is "them"? I told her it was whoever it was that answered the phone. That was the first time I used that story to get her to stay and will use it again. Sometimes I tell her that I don't feel good and need her help.
Also...I made a sign that says "Sylvia's Room. And that seems to help also when she says she wants to go home. I tell her that she has a room here..See the sign? It says Sylvia's Room and all your stuff is in there.
She also wants to know where everyone went. I just tell her thay went out for a bit and will be back. Of course she forgets that I even said that.
I am glad you have her in AL. How does she like it?
Bes of luck to you!

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Its been up and down.

She was angry and upset the first day. I stayed with her the first night.
I went through a service recommended by the staff there and hired a caregiver to check in on her at various times during the day, making sure she geta to the dining to eat and encourage her to check out different programs. Told her it was a helper for new residents. Plan to do rhat doe the first couple of weeks

She did call me the other night scared to be alone at night. But she calmed down and was ok the next day.

I picked her up for a doctor appointment and she was upset when I took her back there instead of my house.

I hope she will settle in and make some friends soon.

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I struggled with this issue when my mother was in the Nursing Home - "Why is there a person sleeping on the floor in my room?", "That person helped me when he hoped out of bed.", "That person went back to his hotel." That was medication speak. I mean who comes up with that stuff?
I just had to say no dice to all of it. Prayers sent to you.

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I have struggled with this issue with my 90 year old mother with dementia. She is in memory care wing of an AL facility, where she lived with dad before he died. No short term memory at all. Repeats same questions/statements multiple times a minute all day long. I answer and she doesn't remember the answer 5 seconds later and asks again.

Is an issue with regard to asking where "dad" is (deceased.) Happened last year, she was with him when he died, went to his funeral service. Doesn't remember any of it. Constantly asks where he is, when he'll be home from work, offers to have "dad" drive me places, carry in heavy loads, sees him outside her window mowing the grass.... Constantly worries about what she is going to make "dad" for supper (she stopped cooking many years ago when she couldn't follow directions.) If I take her out for a meal, wants to bag it up immediately for "dad's supper," and leave. Also packs up her clothing and jewelry in a garbage bag "to go home." I suspect that the AL cleaning staff may have thrown one or more of these bags out thinking it was garbage, since she's missing some clothing that she had a short time ago. My brother visits almost daily and sees the same thing.

I have alternated between telling her the truth(where she is, house was sold at "dad's" direction, "this is home," "dad died,") and fibbing or redirection("I don't know where dad is," "he must be at work...") The list goes on and the questions never stop. She seems sad for a few seconds when I tell her dad died, but then she asks the same question again and again and again. Giving her treats sometimes redirects her attention, but not always. I dread visiting there because of this. She has no hobbies or interests that I can use for distraction, "not interested." She loves family gossip and is critical of all her kids and grandkids. Sees everyone else through a 1940's lens.

Your mom is going to AL. If she has dementia, she may be prone to wandering. In AL, she may be able to walk out the door and no one will stop her. After dad died, the AL facility told us our mom needed to be in the locked memory care wing. Be sure she's in the correct level of care for her needs.

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Yes, it is exhausting. Have you tired giving her a task to "help" you with? example: bundling up newspapers for recycling or folding towels? You could have a special basket that she can do over and over again. Whisk it away with many thanks, mess it up again and whip it out as needed.

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We can only try various "tricks" (fibs, redirecting, etc) - but they don't always work, as you have discovered.

If you told her the truth, would she also accuse you of lying? If so, you are in a difficult place! I know if I told my mother that her mother, or a younger sister (more recent reference) were gone, it would upset her a lot! She also would forget, so she would have to relive that upset every time I told her they were gone. I am fortunate in that most responses work and she accepts them (such as deferring a trip to a previous home, her mother's, etc., reasons being time, weather, they are in FL or some such.)

Hopefully you can find a way around these. The repetition alone can be hard, but being unable to field her responses is worse! At the very least, don't feel guilty for trying to skirt the issues.

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Her broken brain tells her you are lying to her. Her brain saw the people who were there earlier and you'll never be able to argue that one. Maybe ask who was there and have her tell you about them. The whole dementia thing kind of reverses the memory from current to past, so she does still remember her house and, of course, would like to be there. More current things, like who has really been in the home don't hang in the memory long. It is exhausting because your brain wants her to understand what is correct, but her brain just can't get it. Perhaps she does get upset about not being at the home that might be fresh in her mind - she may also remember herself as being capable of taking care of her home, herself and husband. It's just the disease. She doesn't really hate you, she is frustrated that what she sees in her head is not the reality she lives in now. You're doing good. If you have anyone to help you get a little time away, take it. The rest will be good. Best wishes to you

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Gracie your Mom's Brain is no functioning well due to the horrid Illness. I do not know if It is alzheimer's or dementia but either is equally cruel. All you can do is divert the conversation so your Mom will forget Home. Long before my Mother took I'll, and when ever We called to visit a Friend, Relative, Neighbour I found Mom wanting to leave for Home twenty minutes after We arrived. When I felt that I had been kicked (gently) under the kitchen table I knew it was time to go. My Mother loved Her own space and it was only when She was in Her own Home that She felt comfortable and free.
You say 'when ever you lie to your Mom, She nails it every time, but no Person knew you better that your own Mother. This great Lady brought You into this World and will continue to love you until She leaves.

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Be direct and kind. Say, "You must stay here tonight (which is the truth)" and "I'm not sure where ______ is, but they are not here now (which is also the truth)." Then, change the subject. If your mom is a sharp cookie, she will realize you are changing the subject. Tell her, "I'd rather talk about ______ instead,"

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Gracie, I have no answer, but I can offer this: You are not alone! My father will misunderstand or forget something and then ask for a clarification. However, no matter how many times I try to clarify, explain, or expound. He doesn't understand. When I redirect, he goes back to the original query...now with additional queries attached to it. When I explain again, he says "I'm not convinced" or the challenge "convince me." We start over again, I redirect again and he goes back to the original query. In short, redirecting seems useless. And if I offer, an "I don't know" or "I can't convince you if you can't accept what I'm saying." He then accuses me of abandonment or curses me out. Redirection? I need someone to redirect me!

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I completely understand this! Sometimes I feel like I am spinning around in circles. Sometimes I just don't answer. And a little gap of silence will occasionally break the cycle. Occasionally.

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I don't feel right lying to Mom either so, when she states she is going home, I just say, "Really? The doctor hasn't told me that yet." Which is a true enough statement (since I never actually talk to the doctor there). Then I'll say we have to wait for the doctor to say it's OK for her to leave and I'll move on to another topic. Most of the time that works.

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I agree that validating, mirroring, and asking more questions is worth a try. So “where are all those other people who were here” gets “I have lost track — who all was here? How were they doing? What did you talk about?” By then her train of thought may have derailed and she’ll get a little bored and change the subject or just “zone out”. My Mom’s concern was always about her brother Leo. He had been upstairs a few minutes ago or were we sure he had been invited for Thanksgiving and was he going to be able to come, etc. So I could just say, he’s gone back home — remember how far away from here he’s been living? Or yes, we invited him and his family. They are unable to make the long drive but send their love. Again, not lying as much as delving into or joining her in what is “her truth” in a way that respects her perspective. My favorite episode re “I want to go home” was when we drove with Mom from Dallas to Albuquerque to see several members of the family who live there. This was after Mom had been living with us for about 9 years. We had moved once and had now been living in Dallas for about 3 years. We drove home from Albuquerque and she sat down in her chair in the living room and looked around and said, “This room is decorated EXACTLY like my living room back home!” I enjoyed feeling like at least she had begun to think of us as home in some odd ways. (By the way, her way of decorating a room and mine have always been quite different, and she was never shy about telling me about pieces she didn’t like — like a papier-mache horse that kept looking at her funny or a flower arrangement that she found creepy). Those things just got moved to places where she would not run across them. Maybe that was what made her think she was the decorator. Anyway, what I said was, “that’s because this is your home”. What I wish I’d said was “I have always like the way you could make a room feel homey.” Anyway, Mom went “home” almost exactly 2 years ago. Right after that my husband was diagnosed with moderate cognitive decline, so it’s a double-header. I’ve learned a lot, and have a lot left to learn. But it’s been good for me to remember the times with Mom that I wish I’d responded differently. Sometimes that helps me be more compassionate and creative in responding to my husband now. A bit of a rant, but bottom line — joining them where they are and loving them there is not as much lying to them as it is respect for who they are now. Treating them as if they were who they used to be, now maybe that’s where the lying (to ourselves and to them) comes in.

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My mother was initially diagnosed with MCI and short term memory loss 5 years ago, but has started developing some mild dementia behaviors in the last year after my father's death, the biggest one being becoming disoriented to the current time and wanting to go visiting or needing to go take care of her parents.

I also have a problem lying to Mom, so I redirect or answer most of the time with versions of the truth. As a Christian I consider death the ultimate healing and heaven the ultimate home so when my mother asks about a deceased relative or an illness he/she once had I answer with "she's back home and doing fine now, her wild days are behind her" (Mom most often worries about a younger sister). Often when she gets started about wanting to visit her aunts or her parents, I can postpone ("It's so cold today, maybe tomorrow will be nicer to get out.") or usually reorient her back to the current time. "You're 88 years old now and I'm 56. You and your siblings and cousins are the older generation now. If your daddy were still alive he would be 115 years old now". Mom will often respond with memories of the person's death, followed by some memories of when they were living. Mom stays oriented in the here and now better when she watches the local news and reads the newspaper. The best redirection is to start talking about her grandchildren or great-grandchildren.

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Talking about grandchildren is an excellent idea!

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"Home" can be symbolic for someone with dementia - meaning the place where they were before they got dementia - when they were independent and life was happier. I try not to lie, but rather to soften the truth. People are not here, this is her home now. Every move for someone with dementia is difficult. Is she living with you? How is her sense of place? If she is a wanderer this can be a danger for her safety. In the facility where my mother lives she wore a bracelet that set off alarms when she got near the door.

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This is really helpful!

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Stop listening to her speech for content. You are attempting to impose “truth” on a brain that is progressively more and more damaged.

Your statements about her comments reveal the products of a brain in which fact is no longer fact.

Why would you be exhausted by her utterances? More likely you are exhausted by trying to think of ways to help her make sense of her own thinking, and as we all have painfully learned YOU CAN’T DO THAT, and that will not happen.

Let her talk, let her tell you that she hates you and you are a fool, let her tell you that Prince Charles stole her nightgown........ none of her thinking is right, so none of what she says is right.

SAFETY is quite another thing. You do need to be sure she cannot put herself somewhere dangerous when you are not watching her. If you find that she cannot be trusted to be by herself at all, as my own mom was, you will have to hire caregivers to watch her while you aren’t present.

Remember, what she says is NOT something to hold against her, nor is it interactive as communication.

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Thanks. I dont hold anything against her, and I dont leave her by herself. Its either been myself or another family member with her. I have always been an introvert, with a need for at least a little quiet alone time, and since my mom needed care and has been staying at my home, there has been precious little of that and it has really worn on me.

We are in the process of transitioning to assisted living. Move in today. Im staying with her tonight. Thought she would be glad to be around her things, maybe even more confortable. But its been eye opening. She has been staying with me for six months, and I have taken her home for several events, like grandchild dance recital, her birthday to celebrate with friends, etc.
But she completely denies that this is her couch, or dresser, or photos on walls.
But the people her have been very welcoming, and she enjoyed all the people who came and introduced themselves. So maybe a glimmer of hope. This place has independent living, assisted living and memory care
She has been more confused since a recent fall and overnight hospitalization. Her doctor feels that she might get better as she heals and adjusts. I hope it works out and she can enjoy assisted living before her condition requires memory care.

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This suggestion might help or might be a disaster. I think it’s a great idea to take photos of ‘home’ and put them in an album, every time you move. Everything, the bathroom, the view from the washing up, the front steps etc. Perhaps even a video, like they put on sale posts on the net. Once your home has been broken up, it is really really nice to be able to see what it looked like. I’d love a chance to ‘see’ the house I grew up in, the way it was as a child!

For you and your mother, it might be possible to use it to explain why she isn’t living there. ‘Look, this is where you fell down going to the bathroom’. ‘Don’t you remember how hard those steps used to be’. ‘I’m not sure that you could put things away in those high cupboards now’. ‘It’s so big – it was so hard for me to do the cleaning there as well as for my own house’. And no, you won't be lying to her!

Just an idea to consider. Best wishes.

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Is it that she can't remember or is it that she won't accept the answer? When someone is terribly lost in place and time and the home they long for is the one they lived in 50 years ago redirection may be the only answer, but as Grandma1954 has said sometimes the truth may be the best answer - "You can't go home because... (insert reasons you made this step)...., I brought you here to my home because I love you and want to look after you". Of course then she'll likely deny there is anything wrong with her....

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Exactly, its I had a problem, but Im fine now. I dont need to stay here, my house is around the corner( I wish, its 200 miles away) i just need to go home!!

She doesn't believe the truth, and she pushes back on the redirects...dont change the subject!

Hopefully once we get her settled in Assisted Living with her things around her it will be better. If she will walk into the building! She agreed, but probably wont remember that.

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Why not tell her she is home. She lives right here in the house. You can show her the room she sleeps in, her closet, her clothes.
But at some point this also will not work.
You can not argue, you can not reason. You will never win!
You can agree
You can try to engage in more conversation. It sounds like when you try to redirect her she thinks you are trivializing what she is saying. Validate what she is saying and see if that works.
The conversation about where did the people go...Ask her where she thinks they went. About her husband...Where do you think he is and take the conversation from there. If she gets upset at the thought that he is dead do not bring it up again on this you should try to change the subject.

The front door and any other she can get out of..Try placing a large black or dark rug in front of the door. Some people with dementia think that there is a hole in front of the door and will not go across it. Someone else on this forum put more door knobs on the door and it confuses her loved one they can not figure out what knob will open the door. An alarm that is normally on a bed, can be placed on the floor by the door an alarm will sound if she steps on it.

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Great ideas! These are some of the same things I do with my mom. Sometimes, I have to tell her the whole story of why she had to come live with me (she lived in Ohio and I am in California), from her accident all the way through her slow recovery (I stayed there for nine months - I had to use up my 401K to pay bills there and at home). She's been here for three and a half years, and the Dementia has gotten progressively worse, to the point where she has been asking the "why can't I go home?", "where are those other people who were here?", and other such questions. Gets "Sundowner's" anywhere from 2 PM lasting until 6 or 7 PM, with confusion and weeping. I just try to stay calm and gently talk to her, trying to soothe her concern. Not a lot else you can do as the disease progresses. Good luck to all who are caring for parents with Dementia and Alzheimer's! Much love!

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