They live here now. Mom w Alzheimer’s, dad is fine, but is annoyed w her toilet issues. I put down boundaries years ago before anyone ever even got sick, that I was never going to do toileting or bathing. That’s my hard line. Grosses me out, makes me uncomfortable, it’s my boundary and it’s non-negotiable. I do a ton of other stuff though. All financial, taking mom for hair apt, doing her nails, having her over when he needs a break or a run to the store, eating with us, etc. I get that he gets overwhelmed. A caregiver comes 3x per week. I told him to do 5 days, but he won’t. Lots of other issues. But lately we aren’t on speaking terms. He barks orders at me, what I should do for my mom. I said how about a please, or a thank you. I say please to my kids when I ask them to do chores, and thank you, even if they are doing their responsibilities. He flat out said to me “you are never getting a please or thank you from me. Ever. You should WANT to do these things”. And a bunch of other nonsense about how I should feel the need to do these things for them in my soul or some nonsense. Actually, I have no desire to do any of it. I do anything I do for them out of a sense of daughterly responsibility and respect. But I get none in return. I have never hated someone more.
AARP magazine pushes moving the parents in with the rest of the family. So do other articles I've read, and they are almost all laughable. You can tell that the advocates of the "one big happy family" method of aging in place have little knowledge of what happens when those smiling old folks baking cookies for the grandkids in their tiny house on the adult kids' property need REAL care. Like the Hoyer lift, incontinence care, and wandering. No mention of that!
Thanks for your post. It may be enlightening to those who need to know what it's really like.
it is okay for you to tell him that your boundary has just been hit and it is now time to find long term care for mom and his ungrateful, unappreciative self. Please do not buy into the F.O.G. he is trying to create. He doesn't even want to do what is needed, so stuff the guilt trips dad!
Great big hug! This just gets harder and more challenging with moms disease and dad's personality, remember, they need you and that means playing nice and you are allowed to enforce this.
She had him all day long looking for things and bringing her the items she asked for just for her to tell him “ That’s not what I wanted , you can’t do anything right “. Then whenever FIL would “ help her “ when she couldn’t remember what she was to do next , she would blow up .
We also came to realize that FIL also was getting dementia and could not adequately supervise his wife any longer , and they were yelling at each other all the time . He even dropped her off at an airport ( to go visit her kids ) stuck her in a wheelchair and left . He had given her $10 to tip someone to push her through security and to the terminal gate. She was yelling help in the airport , and gave some Good Samaritan her phone to call her son .
In your case Dad is yelling at you , because he’s overwhelmed . The situation is not working any longer. He’s wanting you to do more .
Don’t do anymore than you are doing .
In fact …..A very wise social worker told me
“ Stop helping , let them fail , sometimes it’s the only way to get them to accept help from people other than family “.
If Dad is yelling and spewing nonsense he could be starting with dementia as well which is making it even harder for him to deal with Mom.
My mother’s doctor also told me that very often there comes a time when elderly ( especially with dementia) can not be cared for by family , especially daughters , because they will boss you around and treat you like their child and demand and expect you to be obedient with all their demands .
At a minimum Mom needs to go to memory care. Dad , to be determined ….
Maybe he will calm down not having to live with Mom.
“My mother’s doctor also told me that very often there comes a time when elderly ( especially with dementia) can not be cared for by family , especially daughters , because they will boss you around and treat you like their child and demand and expect you to be obedient with all their demands .”
Anyways first 3 months where peaceful for me because I didn't go to moms much. Then her additude started getting better. More tolerable and I didn't feel so much like her slave, but I still didn't bend over backwards for her, or for my brother.
And things where decent. But there has been issues. Recently my brother got an ear full from a friend of mine. That I'm considering bailing on them ALL for good. Which was true, and was getting even closer everyday.
So this week I go to moms, and mom is she laying on the kindness. Please , thank you, don't do to much now.
So we will see what happens next.
I will say I'll NEVER go back to the way things where.
Thanks to this forum and the amazing people I've been able to get my life back, after a mental breakdown and a ruptured disk, from just not caring about myself and having a bad fall.
Maybe your Dad needs a huge scare.
And listen to what we are all saying, best of luck to you, it's a horrible hard journey. Hope that was a little helpful, I didn't really answer your question.
He felt the same way - as if his children OWED him their last breath if he needed it.
But he was ALWAYS like that - ungrateful, unhappy, mean, abusive. When he got dementia, it got worse.
He’s angry and frustrated because he doesn’t want to care for his wife.
Other than the help your are giving them now take on no more. Start delegating what you are doing to others.
As a matter of fact if you can get the caregiver to get mom to her hair appointment that might take some of the stress off.
Start calling in the grocery order, have it delivered and they can pay both delivery fee and for the groceries. (I am assuming they pay for their groceries already so it would be just delivery added on.)
If he can not handle toilet issues maybe it is time to tell him he either has a caregiver 7 days a week or you start looking for Memory Care for mom.
If he barks orders, walk away.
He is cognizant (I am assuming although that might be questionable) so tell him if he will not say Please and Thank You at least you expect him to be nice, cordial in the way he ASKS you to do something NOT tell you to do something. And when he asks you to do something do it when you have the time or inclination to do it. (If it is not an emergency)
(I am curious...when he is in a restaurant how does he treat the wait staff? Does he say please or thank you? If so the least he can do is treat you the way he would the staff in a restaurant. )
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