We added an in-law suite. Dumbest decision ever!

Dad is not "fine", unless he's always treated you like that.

Please figure out a way to have your Dad's cognition & memory assessed. Every year Medicare pays for a wellness check. Help your Dad make this appointment. At your Dad's age they will ask if he wants a memory test. Make sure you are the one to take him to this appointment. Be in the exam room if possible. Discretely hand the nurse or doc a note requesting the test, and why you're requesting it. They will do it. I've done this myself with my MIL.

If your Father still drives, you can discretely ask the doc to put in an order for a virtual driving assessment that can be done through Occupational Therapy. I just did this for my Mom. She was assessed as "high risk". This note went to her primary doc, who then sent in a form to the state. The state is now going to cancel her license.

My Mom stopped saying please and thank you also. It's a dementia thing. So is the stubbornness, anger, and resistance.

Are you PoA for your parents? If not, is anyone? He should not have a cognitive test until he creates a PoA. This may be the next big problem to solve.

Aside from occasional forgetfulness that all of us experience, my dad’s memory is fantastic, all abilities fully intact. There is no measurable cognitive decline (I say this with an in depth knowledge of cognitive assessments).
He’s angry and frustrated because he doesn’t want to care for his wife.

Just because you did it, doesn't mean it can't be undone. Mom needs placement in a facility and dad can get an apartment somewhere.

I would tell him to learn or suffer the consequences of being a rude...because being civil and courteous to someone that has opened their home to you is a no brainer, so tell him that.

it is okay for you to tell him that your boundary has just been hit and it is now time to find long term care for mom and his ungrateful, unappreciative self. Please do not buy into the F.O.G. he is trying to create. He doesn't even want to do what is needed, so stuff the guilt trips dad!

Great big hug! This just gets harder and more challenging with moms disease and dad's personality, remember, they need you and that means playing nice and you are allowed to enforce this.

We might have the same father. :) We should do a DNA test.

I counted one time how many times I got up from my chair to get him something or picked up something he dropped. 78 times in one day!!!!

Hang in there

I actually got into it with my FIL a few times - when he would bark orders at SIL or DH and expect them to jump when he said jump. He barked an order one day and I said "PLEASE!" - he looked at me like I was crazy. "I said, say please, it's customary when you are ASKING someone to do something for you. And while we're at it - how about ASKING instead of demanding. My mother always taught me that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar - and it doesn't cost you a thing to have good manners"

He felt the same way - as if his children OWED him their last breath if he needed it.

But he was ALWAYS like that - ungrateful, unhappy, mean, abusive. When he got dementia, it got worse.

I looked back to your first post and I saw no ages. Makes a difference in how questions are answered. 70 vs 90 big difference.

I was lucky Dad was the sick one and went before Mom because I am sure he would have thought it was my responsibility to take care of Mom when her Dementia was diagnosed. But what your Dad needs to understand is those vows he took are not one sided. Mom IS his responsibility. Keep those boundaries up. Don't take his stuff. Never give in. You may want to tell him not to expect you to care for him. His attitude now has shown you that he will be a royal pain and you will not deal with that. He will go into a facility. Maybe that will make him nicer.😁

Yeah, an in-law suite is top of the list for things never to do for our parents. I'm sorry you are in that situation.

AARP magazine pushes moving the parents in with the rest of the family. So do other articles I've read, and they are almost all laughable. You can tell that the advocates of the "one big happy family" method of aging in place have little knowledge of what happens when those smiling old folks baking cookies for the grandkids in their tiny house on the adult kids' property need REAL care. Like the Hoyer lift, incontinence care, and wandering. No mention of that!

Thanks for your post. It may be enlightening to those who need to know what it's really like.

Give it back to dad. Meaning the whole truth. Tell him he oughta be damn grateful that a kid cares at all to take them in, and your hard line is that THEIR money takes care of the toileting issues. I would also stop spoiling your mom with beauty salon services. If they care so much, let them pay with their own money.

If there is a door from your house to the In-Law Suite LOCK it.
Other than the help your are giving them now take on no more. Start delegating what you are doing to others.
As a matter of fact if you can get the caregiver to get mom to her hair appointment that might take some of the stress off.
Start calling in the grocery order, have it delivered and they can pay both delivery fee and for the groceries. (I am assuming they pay for their groceries already so it would be just delivery added on.)
If he can not handle toilet issues maybe it is time to tell him he either has a caregiver 7 days a week or you start looking for Memory Care for mom.

If he barks orders, walk away.
He is cognizant (I am assuming although that might be questionable) so tell him if he will not say Please and Thank You at least you expect him to be nice, cordial in the way he ASKS you to do something NOT tell you to do something. And when he asks you to do something do it when you have the time or inclination to do it. (If it is not an emergency)
(I am curious...when he is in a restaurant how does he treat the wait staff? Does he say please or thank you? If so the least he can do is treat you the way he would the staff in a restaurant. )

Anything that is done can also be undone. I wish you a path to peace in your home

When my FIL became noticeably overwhelmed dealing with his wife who had dementia , and he could not keep up with her demands , it was an alarm that the situation was not working any longer .
She had him all day long looking for things and bringing her the items she asked for just for her to tell him “ That’s not what I wanted , you can’t do anything right “. Then whenever FIL would “ help her “ when she couldn’t remember what she was to do next , she would blow up .

We also came to realize that FIL also was getting dementia and could not adequately supervise his wife any longer , and they were yelling at each other all the time . He even dropped her off at an airport ( to go visit her kids ) stuck her in a wheelchair and left . He had given her $10 to tip someone to push her through security and to the terminal gate. She was yelling help in the airport , and gave some Good Samaritan her phone to call her son .

In your case Dad is yelling at you , because he’s overwhelmed . The situation is not working any longer. He’s wanting you to do more .

Don’t do anymore than you are doing .
In fact …..A very wise social worker told me
“ Stop helping , let them fail , sometimes it’s the only way to get them to accept help from people other than family “.

If Dad is yelling and spewing nonsense he could be starting with dementia as well which is making it even harder for him to deal with Mom.

My mother’s doctor also told me that very often there comes a time when elderly ( especially with dementia) can not be cared for by family , especially daughters , because they will boss you around and treat you like their child and demand and expect you to be obedient with all their demands .

At a minimum Mom needs to go to memory care. Dad , to be determined ….
Maybe he will calm down not having to live with Mom.

Justshootme. I've been laying down boundaries with Mom and my POA brother, who thinks that I'm supposed to do everything. It's been about 6 months, since I've really started with the boundaries.

Anyways first 3 months where peaceful for me because I didn't go to moms much. Then her additude started getting better. More tolerable and I didn't feel so much like her slave, but I still didn't bend over backwards for her, or for my brother.

And things where decent. But there has been issues. Recently my brother got an ear full from a friend of mine. That I'm considering bailing on them ALL for good. Which was true, and was getting even closer everyday.

So this week I go to moms, and mom is she laying on the kindness. Please , thank you, don't do to much now.
So we will see what happens next.

I will say I'll NEVER go back to the way things where.

Thanks to this forum and the amazing people I've been able to get my life back, after a mental breakdown and a ruptured disk, from just not caring about myself and having a bad fall.

Maybe your Dad needs a huge scare.
And listen to what we are all saying, best of luck to you, it's a horrible hard journey. Hope that was a little helpful, I didn't really answer your question.

How sweet that in-law sweet may look with a makeover & new tennants, just sayin'

This does not sound healthy for you or your kids to be around.

Can you get a dead lock or lock to block them out from your area.

I had this type of anger for two weeks from my sister while she stayed in Mom's home with me. It is really horrible having that high level of anger directed at you.

It sounds like our Dad is angry about his wife declining but taking things out on you.

I'd back away from things and work on comfort care for you while you figure things out.
Can you get some counseling for you? Take off on a 2 or 3 week cruise for you? Yoga/meditation classes for you?

Do you work outside of the home? If you work full time in the home I think picking up a volunteer gig or a paid job outside of the home to get you out of the situation while you are figuring things out.

Back way off on what you are doing for them.

Can you lock the door between the in-law suite and the main house ? I always thought that was the big benefit of those rooms.

Tell Dad to shape up or ship out. Remind him he is living in YOUR HOME/Property, and YOU RUN THE SHOW. He better get off his high horse, or will find himself EVICTED.

Make it clear you have responsibility to your own family, your parents to each other. What does the caregiver do 3x a week, if you are doing all the running around for Mom? Be blunt, tell him Mom is HIS RESPONSIBILITY, adding an in-law unit is already generous beyond words, and his job is to deal with his wife. That includes her toileting. He should be taking her to Dr. appts. too. You did not plan your life around aging parents, either....you have your own family as priority.

>>> Bet ya $50 they didn't take care of their aging parents either.

Hopefully you can put a deadbolt in between to keep them OUT. Personally, I'd evict them. Mom should be placed and Dad get an apt. and find someone else to bully. He is totally disrespectful and needs to GO. Back off waiting on them!

"So the problem here is that they sold their house and paid for the addition. So I can’t kick them out."

You are not kicking them out you are relocating them. Tell them you will pay them back for the addition.

You can make monthly payments to them over a period of time or you can take a second mortgage out on your house and pay them whatever the cost was to build the addition.

They would not get any extra because they have been living there rent free so that cost offsets that and if you sell before both die then you can give them a small percentage of what the increase is on your house for building the addition.

"A caregiver comes 3x per week. I told him to do 5 days, but he won’t."

This is NOT a request. Dad needs to up the care to 5 days or find a new place to live. You are not running a nursing home in your house and you are not going to pick up the slack for dad because he refuses to pay money for the care his wife needs. They pay no rent to live in your home and dad needs to step up the care or get out of your house. I wonder what you will do if mom dies before dad and he starts bringing girlfriends over to his side of the house. I can see that scenario happening too.

Well, why doesn’t he want to do those things?