We recently moved in with my 83 year old dad. In doing so we found that he was addicted to Loratab and Lunesta. We went through three weeks of hell! He is now just a mean hateful old man. He is rude and bullies us and our children. He doesn't get that we gave up a huge house, with a pool to take care of him. My mom is in a home with Alzheimer's. I don't know if I can do this! I just want to walk away and never look back. Help!
Have you asked your Dad what would he like? Someone to come in, AL but be firm and loving in telling him that something must change, that you fear for his well being and would do anything to help him...as you have already demonstrated.
My Mom was addicted to nerve and pain pills, didn't know how bad until I had to intercede in their "business"
We can't help those that don't want to be helped and sometimes when we do what we must do, its not well appreciated. Let your conscious be your guide and then know you've done your best
Best wishes to you!
83 years is a long life. I suspect that it is the rare person who lives much longer than that. I personally don't think that pain pills and sleeping pills should be seen as evil when a person is facing the end of life. In a younger person the risk of addiction that can shorten life or lead to a lower quality of life should be avoided. But for someone who is facing the end of life I would think that the pain associated with the decline of physical and mental vitality could be alleviated with pharmaceuticals without guilt, either guilt of the patient or the caregiver. It seems that insomnia is a common problem for us all as we get older. Sleep deprivation is actually a form of torture, literally. If the problems suddenly started after the medications were withheld......maybe you could re-think that decision.
Of course, I don't want to see any patient turn into a "zombie" or be medicated so that they can be ignored! Of course, I wouldn't want anybody to overdosed on any medication in any way!
I have been helping to care for my mom a little over a year and I can tell you it only gets harder and harder (for everyone involved.) The patient won't adapt to you and your family's routine. You will all have to adapt to "Planet Alzheimer's" and if soothing pain and inducing sleep helps I personally don't think there is anything wrong with that.
With the exception of morphine FOR PAIN, I do not see the continuous use of these drugs on elderly persons who show all the signs of dementia and the uncomfortable aging process. Comfort them and let them live until the day comes that they expire.
I can understand what you are going thru. Do you have medical poa over your dad? Because you need to find out why he was on those meds. Once you do, then you can move forward, maybe a light sedative just to calm his nerves until this transition becomes more comfortable for him. I know that with my mom , we have to continually remind ourselves to keep on being light hearted and happy. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS DONT SHOW FEAR. I' m not kidding! Once you show that a situation is out of control or you lose your temper, they can sense it. Then it's over, and the entire situation is out of control. Can you take him to live with you? Or is your house gone for good ? But I would have a family meeting and make it clear to him what you have done for him and what you expect of him, if he cannot learn to accept this , then you might have to find other ways to care for him. I found it very helpful to the book called "the 36 hour day" it was very enlightening. So I really hope things calm down for you, I think it might be a bad transition period and things might calm down for you once you lay the cards out on the table . I ll be thinking of you , try to be strong!!!!
This behavior will take a toll on you, your husband and your children....they do not need to live in a volatile environment.
If your Dad does not have dementia or alzheimer's then, he may just be angry that you have now entered his home, you are changing his schedule and your kids are loud and are running all over the place. My Mom cannot stand it when anyone comes to visit especially with loud running kids, it is upsetting to them and they cannot handle it! My mother has threatened spankings, slaps in the mouth, you name it!
Your father has lost his wife essentially, he realizes he is getting closer to death, and he sees his life slipping away and someone else trying to tell him what to do....he is ticked!
I would honestly check into medication for him. Or see if you can put him in a facility, do not feel guilt, you have tried.
Did you talk to your father before you made this huge change. Older people have a big problem with change. I moved my father in with me when there was not other options for him. It was, for me, not an option to put him in a nursing home, but I had also been preparing him for it for the last year with little 5 minutes talks about his wishes. When the time came, and it out of the blue we had to move fast but it was easier for him because we had those little talks. Your father also had an addition to overcome. I would suggest some counseling for him for most likely what is depression and for you, and for both of you to get some communication going. I know what you are going through is so hard and what I have gone through is so different than what you are going through because my dad accepted moving in with me. I think I am one of the lucky ones. He died peacefully Tuesday morning at 7:30am after living with us for a little over 3 months. I hope you and your father find peace in this most difficult time.
I would see if his medications are correct and try to reinstate his routine prior to the move in of the family. If he was not a bully all of his life it may be part of the aging process. Many elderly rail against the limitations of old age. Unfortunately, they tend not to realize the effects on others. As we age we tend to see our needs to the exclusion of others.
You may need to move out and get home health aides for his care. Moving him to a NH or an assisted living facility may be difficult if he fights most change.
Good Luck. Caregiving is very difficult and the caregivers are often frustrated.
You are trying to care for the younger children and the elderly which can be
a tall order. Each age group has unrealistic demands and both see things only from their point of view.
Elizabeth
Here are your options, based upon limited info you provided:
1) Sell dad's home and place him into an assisted living facility (unless he has enough savings to pay for ALF)
2) Move out and hire at home caregivers
Did he ask you to move in? How did it come about? As you have found out, you either need to hire a lot of help, or run. Taking care of him will adversely effect your health and your family.