We need suggestions for moving day from home to memory care facility...

HappyDays, each situation is different so your Mom-in-law could surprise everyone and adjust to being in Memory Care, or will quickly look for the nearest fire escape so she can quickly leave.

For my Dad his mind set was on $$$. Thus I told him a "therapeutic fib" to get him to move from his Independent Living apartment over to a small studio apartment [I didn't tell him it was Memory care]. I told him this studio apartment would be much cheaper, and for him to think of it was his college dorm. Dad settled in pretty easy. I was lucky on that aspect.

I have read on the forums that many facilities would prefer that no family visit or call for 2 weeks, to give the love one a chance to "learn" the facility, to start to depend on the Staff, etc. But don't be surprised if Mom-in-law says she hates the place, that is a very common reaction.

I recall one writer here who said her Mom really hated the facility, she wanted to leave, the whole 9 yards. Then one day the writer went to visit Mom at a different time and didn't tell her Mom she was coming.... lo and behold, she saw her Mom in a class enjoying herself, laughing up a storm with the other gals, etc. Oops.

My mom had a difficult adjustment, but in time things settled down. My friends and therapist kept reminding me that I was doing what was best for her...keeping her comfortable and safe.....and for me, saving my sanity so I could have quality time with grandkids, friends, and alone. It won't be easy, but it is the right thing to do. Hugs.

One mantra that got me through moving day was 'I'm getting them to safety'. (in Sept I arrived from out of the country to find both parents in a weakened state and within 3 weeks I had them in a LTC facility in the same room which is nothing short of a miracle).

On moving day my husband and one of my brothers was there to assist and after they left I stayed on for 2 additional months to help them acclimate and get to doctors appts. Unfortunately they're in their 90's now and most of their friends are gone so I knew that once I left the area there would be no visitors.

Surprisingly my mother was far easier than dad. Mom had told us all of our lives to 'never put her in a home' and yet she seemed to accept their situation...at least when I was there every second day. Now that I've returned to my life there's been outbursts etc but I keep reminding myself that I got them to safety and that has to be enough. Before I left I made a point to get gifts for both of them that the staff delivered each Tues prior to Christmas as reminders that I'm thinking of them. (simple things...a new calendar for her, crosswords for him...that sort of thing)

Today my very docile dad decided to scream at me (something he's never done) because he received a letter from the DMV telling him that they're pulling his license. The lack of independence is frustrating for them but can't be helped. Good luck to you, it's a tough journey. If you can, try and think of it from the standpoint of a caregiver for young children. We don't fault toddlers for their bad behavior or inabilities to understand we just try again. And again.

When i moved my hubby, i said it was a vacation. Had his room set up in advance with his familiar things, and pictures and fidgets to keep busy. I visit everyday. A calendar u can write on can help them to see ur visits or upcoming events. Hope that helps.

I agree that you can't know how she will react. I think that by the time my mom ended up in memory care, she knew she had to move somewhere else besides her independent living apartment where she had 24/7 care (very expensive all-in-all). She stayed at our home while we moved her in. I cried off and on the day we moved her things. There were some bumps along the way because she is a fall risk and has arthritis pretty badly but things did smooth out. She seemed to adjust fairly soon. It is less expensive now and much less stressful for us. We even got her on a Medicare plan that brings the nurse, doctor, xray, tests, etc. to her. That was a huge improvement for us too. My sister and I visit often and shower her with love. We don't usually announce our visits and sometimes she is sleeping in her wheelchair and other times she is participating. She tells us that she has a few other gals that want to go shopping with her.

My Aunt fell and had Compression fractures in her spine also Auntie had a bit of a hording issue ...from hospital went to a nursing home where they had 3 and 4 people to a room because of a hurricaine they had to move the residents from the coast to share rooms this was in Lynbrook , NY .We went to pick my Aunt up drove her from New York To Illinois when we moved Aunt into her new assisted liveing home SHE WAS A HOT MESS AND MAD MAD MAD AS A HORNET WHEW!!! SHE TOLD ALL THE RESIDENTS that we drugged her tied her up & kidnapped her !! Holy cow !! She was meaner than a rattel snake she was so Mad I would just break down and cry , then 1 day she told this story to a new wonderful resident who knew me and this particular woman really told Auntie like it was and said Nobody wanted to hurt her that she could not live 1500 miles away from her only family how would they care for her , she befriended my Aunt although she realized that my Aunt had Alzheimer's she took auntie under her wing at this point it was the absolute best thing that could have happened it took about 3 months but finally ! SHE ADJUSTED ! Now shes at my house and sometimes she thinks shes at the assisted living home !! BUT Auntie always thinks she can go back to NewYork and live alone we just let her rant and ignor it sooner or later she stops Its the Alzheimer's disease I know that she cant help it ...but no matter what you do no matter how much time you spend at the facility she'll always come up with stories to upset you ; just laugh it off !! Know in your heart that you are doing the RIGHT thing ! and it always takes 3 weeks for them to settle down and 3 months to adjust fully !! Your good people and have to make sure mom is safe and taken care of properly. I tell my story because I want you to know this happens ,and it happens to many familys !! Good Luck !!God Bless You all!!

This is going to be very hard to do, damned if you do damned if you don't. My siblings dropped all of this in my lap 9 months ago.I NEVER knew Mom/Step-father's condition had advanced to this point as "they" would not tell me (bad history there).Before I left to find out what I was walking into,I called their Dr. My sister had not taken them to the Dr in over a yr,Medicare requires this each year.Step-siblings were there, I had made the appointment so "oh happy day NOT.Dr told me I'd be lucky if Mom were still here by July(3 months)for her next appointment due to her diabetes, urinary infections(1 stay was entire month of Dec,sister convinced Mom it was because I told hospital not to release her).Sad but funny when Dr told her 1 last chance & he'd place her in a facility.Threatened to call police,told her ok but he had legal right.I went back home and had to go back 2 weeks later (step-sibling issues)so husband went with me.Home care people refused to care for them because they were both too far,Mom ended up in hospital (her last chance) home care provided us with a fantastic caseworker.He quit his job after going thru this with his Father and became a private caseworker just for these issues.We'd drop step-father off at the hospital,told the staff NOT to let him out of their sight and went looking at group homes(some aren't any better than nursing homes, just less residents).I was afraid to place Mom in a group home due to issues I'd read or saw on news.I think we went to 3 and it was the 3rd that blew my mind!IT IS THE BEST PLACE EVER!The cost was less than home care,they have a suite, took the dog in too,contracted Dr who is Elder specialist, hairdresser,everything they need.NOT an odor of being a nursing facility.The staff is AMAZING!We took step-father to see their "hotel",the staff will wait on you for every need.Mom had to be there because she isn't well & Dr will not allow her to go home.We got him settled, went to discharge Mom,had to be taken by private service.I would not let Mom see me as she'd put up a bad fight.Made sure step-father knew she was coming & his job was to care for Mom now with help from the staff.We left before she arrived and I cried for days.It takes on average 3-6 mos to acclimate.Now they don't ask to go home,step-father asks what is happening to the house & I tell him Mom is his job because she is so sick & my job is taking care of the house etc.He can be hard/stubborn but Mom is taking in stride. LOVES BINGO AND IS THE QUEEN.They keep the residents busy.I made a small photo album for Mom w/pics from way back when she/Dad were married & all of us kids.She recognized our daughter out of everyone. I have a print copy next to each picture in large font so she knows who people are/how she's related.Did same for step-father.After about 2 mos my Uncle/me told step-father they have to stay because Mom is too ill.He agrees/then forgets.Take things from house a bit @ a time so they will think are @ home.BTW, I cry after each visit every month.Except for my Uncle/me, siblings don't visit & neither have his kids(waiting to get hands on the money). It'll be very hard but once you find your SPECIAL hotel take baby steps and stay in constant contact with Dr and "hotel" staff.Mgr of our SPECIAL hotel will call/text me all the time because she knows how far away I am and even things for step-father.Make sure you get guardianship/conservator too.Lots of work ahead & harder than I thought it would be even though I felt I was prepared.It hurts very deeply but we can't always keep our promises.Buy stock in Proctor/Gamble because you're going to need the Kleenex.You might consider a therapist for awhile for the guilt/depression you're going to have too.
Merry Christmas/Happy New Year and God will be right beside you to help.Listen to that whisper in your ear or the tap on your shoulder, you'll know when you see it!

As others have said, every situation is different. Last April I moved my 86 year old mom from Indiana to a memory care facility near me in Pennsylvania. I stressed out and lost a lot of sleep for 2-3 months prior. I found the facility, signed all the contracts, made the travel arrangements, etc. without talking to her about the move. I knew she wouldn't understand or agree, but she couldn't decide what was best. She was living "independently" but not managing. Of course she believed she could manage everything on her own. She didn't need help from anyone, didn't have any issues - memory or otherwise. (She also had a cat which had to be given to the humane society for adoption.)

I would say she was stage 4 to 5 at that time, but it was clear she didn't really know whether she was in Indiana, Pennsylvania or somewhere else. My wife and I flew out, explained to her the day before that we were going to "try" a place nearer to us, then got her on a plane with us the next day. It was a long and stressful day for us, but she didn't fight, argue or make a fuss.

Fortunately, the place provided all the furniture she needed in her room so we only had to bring enough clothes to get her through the first week. I drove back out and brought several pieces of her furniture back in a rental truck a week later. It is often recommended that some familiar items be moved to help them feel more at home.

In hindsight, I'm not sure it mattered to my mom that she had her bed, dresser, recliner and end table. I also don't think I should have told her this was a "trial run". For a couple of weeks she kept wondering when she'd move "back home", though she had previously been living in an independent apartment in a senior facility. It took a few weeks before she began to stop asking about moving out, but she's come to accept this as where she lives. At this point any disruption to her daily routine causes distress, but her day to day routine keeps her mostly in her "happy place".

So make all your plans, grit your teeth and hope for the best. It may not be as bad as you fear.

Best wishes for an uneventful move. You and she WILL get through it!

The day is going to be difficult and stressful for you as well as for your mother. I don't go much on long term valium, but I would for her this particular day. Get through it the best you can.

Mom, has dementia and lives alone in NY state. I live in Florida 6 months and in NYS 3 hours from her the other 6 months. I was staying with her 3 days a week when I was in NY. My brother stops by 4 - 5 days a week on his way home from work. I have been trying to get her to agree to go into memory care but she adamantly refuses. (Dad, who also has advanced dementia, broke his collarbone in a fall and ended up in NH 8 months ago. ) One memory care facility told me to bring her for lunch and for me to excuse myself to go to the restroom but just leave and not come back. I just don't think I can do that. Right now she can still do a lot for herself so I think I will wait until she gets worse before I take drastic measures. Also, she refuses to take any medication. The MCF told me it cannot administer any medication such as valium without her consent.