My father is 89 and competent. He takes care of my ailing 83 year old mother with severe Alzheimers/Dementia. She is double incontinent, almost blind, refuses to change clothes, refuses to bathe, pees and poops on herself, on the furniture, floor, she paces all day long, won't even lay down to sleep. Only sleeps sitting up. She bangs on the walls, windows and doors screaming help help help, let me out, and Daddy Daddy Daddy. My sister who lives 10 minutes away (I live one hour away), thinks all this behavior is "fine". She just has on "nasty clothes" and plenty of people are nasty and dirty. My parents or family can't afford long term care, and other resources ran out. I finally had enough, and called her doctor who said call Hospice to come in and help. Mom was approved with ok from dad and sister. Workers came out for 3 days to try and help mom, to no avail. She is combative, hit them, screamed at them. Then the social worker came out and suggested she be taken to Hospice to be cleaned up and sent back home. Mom refuses to get in our cars to even go to the doctor, so even getting in the ambulance was an ordeal. Hospice did say the gave her some meds to calm her down, that was 3 days ago. Now they are saying she is end of life. And we don't understand what happened.
I was going to suggest she needed calming meds. She was very anxious and that's no way to live. Your sister is in severe denial if she things mom's behavior was "fine". Not even a little.
Does this facility keep people until they die? Does medicare pay or do they accept medicaid? Has anyone been to see her? Talked to the doctor there?
Good luck getting more information. Maybe you can call or visit soon to check things out.
We all die. Your parents are of an advanced age, and your mother is very ill indeed. For me, when my aged parents passed, it was in a sense a relief that they never again had to be in torment and afraid, and I never again had to witness pain and agony for these two I so loved, who had had wonderful long lives.
My heart out to you in this loss. I am so sorry.
Hospice is end of life care, and your mother will be kept free of torment now while she passes.
i do not have a way to sugarcoat your situation regarding your mom. It is very difficult whst you are going through, probably more so for your loving and caring dad.
please please look after and take care of dad. You let him know she is ok and that she is not in pain. Please.
mom was not herself from what you described. She was not sleeping, incontinent, combative ( most likely from being frustrated & not sleeping). She may have had a UTI or something.
hospice took mom, and now she is sleeping. They probably gave her morphine and Ativan. Have a talk with her hospice team. Spend these hours or days with mom. Play her favorite music, and tell her it’s ok. You tell her it’s ok. Tell her you live her. Thank her for being the wonderful mom, wife, role model, and tell her your favorite funny story that all of you shared, those moments growing up, make it lighthearted, loving, and caring.
Don’t be too upset eith hospice.. easier said than done. You let DAD KNOW that mom is ok. If it’s her time, do not feel guilty. She is not in pain…
please look after your dad…
It takes a very special group of people to chose to work in the care of patients with this vicious disease as living through it I can tell you it is not for the faint at heart.
Please know that hospice is there to keep our loved ones comfortable , without pain, without anxiety and fear. Individuals with Alzheimer's are aware that something is changing they cannot remember things, they forget where they are and only remember the past and that frightens them.
Best wishes and strength to you and yours and this journey is not for the faint at heart.
gently remind her mom is not suffering anymore.
death is okay.. it is a part of life..
hospice does offer grievance counseling. This might take time.
this is such a raw emotional wound that your family going through. it will take time.
mourning, crying, getting upset, angry, sadness, is all a part of healing…
and these feelings will come out at you unexpectedly anytime anywhere.. You are allowed snd your sister and dad too..
if you want to vent, this is an awesome place to vent…
most if not all of us have understand.. we may not know exactly what you are going through, as my friends remind me…
but this site and these people on here will lend a helping ear, or fingers, because we type or text…
breathe,
hugs
As the disease progresses, the brain no longer functions for the entire gamut of every organ in the body in the body. Everything begins to fail. And as I'm sure you know, things can turn very quickly in the end stages of this disease because of this. Late stages are the shortest and sometimes takes the family by surprise.
Sadly, the disease ravages and destroys the neurons in parts of the brain involving memory. In later stages, the diminishing affects involve those parts of the brain responsible for reasoning and speaking, which in turn dismantles personality and social behavior.
It sounds like hospice is attempting to give your mother some dignity...Again, I'm so very sorry. I spent over a year on the unit - I finally couldn't take it anymore - and it wasn't for those I was caring for. It was watching the families go through it that really got to me.
My heart goes out to you. xoxo
Perhaps there was more to what hospice said to you and you just heard the clean her up part.
But regardless, she is now under their care, clean, comfortable and pain free. And isn't that much better than the way she was before she entered their facility?
I know that you wouldn't want your mom to continue living as she was, as that is not called living, so instead of blaming anyone, your sister should be grateful that your mom will now die in peace and pain free.
Does hospice give pretty strong drugs to keep their patients comfortable and pain free when one is in their facilities? Yes, they do. And it's not to kill anyone, but again to keep the patient comfortable and pain free until they leave this world for the next.
So enjoy whatever time you may have left with your mom and make sure you leave nothing left unsaid, as the hearing is the last sense to go.
God bless you and your family.
Why try to extend the life of an elder suffering to THIS degree?
Consider it a blessing mom is quietly sleeping and relaxed now. Let nature take its course and know all her suffering will end soon.
My condolences on all you're going through.
Your Mom was showing anxiety which is part of the dying process. This was not good for her. She needs those meds to keep her calm. Nurses can tell when the body starts to shut down. First the swallowing, then the body can no longer digest food. It then is just a matter of when. Be glad that Mom is coming to the end of her journey.
It may be that Mom's body has just reacted this way - to the medication or there is progression of infection or disease. Eg decline from pnumonia or sepsis can be rapid.
Old age is hard.
Dementia is awful.
Shock & loss take time to accept & grieve over.
So sorry you are going through this.
My mother has a history of UTIs. The 1st time she landed in the hospital for this was about 10 years ago and the 1st time it happened she was combative. While at the hospital, she seemed comatose. She does not have ALZ or dementia.
Recently (and now in depends all the time), I noticed her acting a similar way to how she did previously. Took her urine to her primary doc and was told she only has traces of a UTI. We then had to battle her primary to get the anti-biotic because her primary didn't want to give it to her. Later that day my mother was a lot worse and had to go to the ER. She was not combative this time.
After several hours in the ER room (and 12 hours after she started acting weird) and my mother now seeming comatose (in the same hospital she has previously been in), a doc walks in, and I ask where are the fluids and antibiotics? He told me she only has a trace of a UTI, and he has never seen anyone in this condition due to UTI or dehydration. He asked me if I have ever seen her like this. I told him yes.
The doctor told me she had a stroke. I asked what the CT scan showed. He said it didn't show a stroke. They needed to do an MRI because it would show on the MRI. I asked what we do if the MRI is negative. The doc asked me what I meant by that. Arrogance! I had to clarify for him what are you going to treat her for if she didn't have a stroke? He said he would start her on anti-biotics and fluids. He ordered the anti-biotic but not stat. I asked the nurse about it, and she was kind enough to start it before leaving her shift. 24 hours later my mother was awake and talking again. The urine culture came back positive for a UTI. She never had a stroke.
Again - just sharing info. If this is your mother's time, I wish you and your family peace.