So there is no excuse as he has someone to cover for him for an hour or two, my husband is just getting out of the hospital and I need him to pick up a wheelchair that I had ordered and asked him to pick it up for me. I texted him and I said we did everything for you and all I need is for him to pick it up. He swore and told me he was blocking me. He does this every time, what can I do?
When asking adult kids for help, it is important to respect their schedules. So if I needed one of my kids to do something for me, I would request that THEY arrange it at their convenience.
"Doing everything" for your child does not entitle you to reciprocal treatment.
PS, playing the guilt card is a great way to alienate your child. I wouldn't go down that path.
Don't keep score. It never works out well.
I had a friend who expected too much of people. She had raised two boys on her own and worked. Eventually her health made it so she had to retire early. In the meantime, she had estranged her boys with her passive-aggressive tendencies. She was a "Debbie Downer" as one friend called her. You suggest, she had an excuse why she couldn't do it. She wouldn't take the Senior bus. She wouldn't apply for Medicaid in home because she didn't want strangers in the house. She passed at Thanksgiving in a NH because of her choices. So I am going to say to you what I should have said to her...sit back and look at yourself.
Your son owns a business. You may "think" he is flexible, but he isn't. Maybe he doesn't feel he can leave an employee on their own. Maybe you picked a bad time to text. Like said, do you demand or ask politely. "He does this everytime" there is a reason for this. This you need to find out, good or bad. Is he married? Maybe ask the wife and tell her to be honest. And listen. You may find out that you will not be able to rely on him like you would like. You may need to find other resources. Could you have had that chair delivered? If he worked for someone else, would u have called him to pick up the chair? I doubt it. Does he have a family? Well running a business he probably doesn't have a lot of time with them. And they are #1. Do you always call him at work? Is what u want really that important it can't wait? Can u text "Please call when u have time".
My Mom was a sweet lady. When she asked for anything it was "when u can". I am not good at being at someones beck and call. Calling me at work, unless an emergency, was a no no. When she didn't drive anymore, we chose a day during the week to do shopping and run errands. I picked up her meds when I was going out. Unless it was something really needed. Since I was working p/t, appts were made around my work schedule.
So what I am saying...are you asking too much of your son.
I once had a girlfriend whose partner was the epitome of this lesson. My friend did everything for her. When my friend got sick she left her. As her shrink said, "YOU were the one who broke the contract".
How about making shorter texts; it is easier. How about "Dad is getting out of Hospital today. His wheelchair cannot be delivered; could you pick it up for us". How about skipping the part about "We did everything for you".
No one here can help what is clearly not a good relationship. Meanwhile concentrate not on family dynamics and complaint at this time, but one getting delivery services.
Eventually, when feelings are not so raw, sit with your son. Without telling him all you did for him, tell him of your current needs and ask him if he might be able to help you with any of them. If not, you at least know where you stand and can move to care sooner rather than later. Many people have no children, or have children who live nowhere near (the case with me). It is best to lean on people as little as you can. They often do more as a result, and if they do not, then they never wanted to help anyway.
Spend your boy's inheritance on hiring some help for yourself. I wish you the very best.
Consider it may be your approach. To quote you "I texted him and I said we did everything for you and all I need is for him to pick it up. He swore and told me he was blocking me. He does this every time, what can I do?" Is this how you ask for help every time? You text him and literally say "we did everything for you and I need you to do this right now". Or do you say "Hey hon, I need help with this. Would you be able to help out?"
I have two very different situations in my life right now. My own mother, who hates to ask for help and I almost have to beg her to, but when she does it is always "I hate to ask, but do you have time to do XYZ? Do you mind helping with XZY if you have time?" and of course our immediate response is of course "Absolutely mom!" (even if we don't have time we make time, we move heaven and earth to make it happen). And my FIL who doesn't ask if we have time, if we are already doing anything, just tells us what we are going to do and when. And gets all of the pushback in the world.
If what you are doing doesn't work, you aren't likely going to change your son's behavior. I've always been taught that we can't change others. That we can only change the way we do things. So maybe you have to consider changing your own approach to how you ask for help?
And looking at your post, you say he owns his own business, so there is no excuse as to why someone can't cover for him for a couple of hours, how do you know that? Times right now are super hard for small business owners. While I certainly don't know what business he has, owning your own business often takes way more than 40 hours a week to manage and those few hours away could be a huge deal at the wrong time. You have to be very careful making assumptions that he's just blowing you off and can walk away at any time he wants just because he owns his own business.
YES! You work 10x more as an owner than as employee. You're the one taking work home with you. You also stand to lose the most if the business fails. I've known women who married business owners and then complained how much their husbands worked. They assumed the husband could take off work whenever he felt like it.
Side story—I have a relative that works in a program for rebellious, often substance addicted, angry, and criminally involved teens and young men. He tells me often that parents cry out to him saying “why does he hate me? I gave him everything he could ever want” and the reply is “that’s exactly why he seems to hate you” Limits and boundaries are healthy for all.
I'm sorry your relationship has suffered. Hopefully with a different approach and some time for healing it may improve
Good Morning son. I just found out Dad is getting out of the hospital today. I have ordered a wheelchair and was told it is ready to be picked up. I don't think I can manage picking it and Dad up.
Can you help me out? Do you know of a local pick up and delivery service? No, I do not expect you to get it, but if you could help me, by arranging for it to be delivered it would be a great help.
Maybe in a couple days, once Dad is settled back at home you could stop in for a brief visit? I will make sure there are cold drinks available while you have a quick visit with Dad in the garden.
The key to your relationship is in the last 2 sentences of your post. "He swore and told me he was blocking me. He does this every time, what can I do?"
The answer to what can I do, is change your behaviour.
See All Answers