Hello,
So glad I have stumbled upon this website. How informative it has been! Background: My father was diagnosed with non-amnesiac MCI five years ago. Shortly after my mother left (didn't have a great relationship and didn't want to become his caregiver). He has been successfully living independlty the last five years.
The past few months his memory and mobility have declined. He is in the midst of neurology testing to figure out what is going on. Alzheimers runs in his family, so the outlook is not great.
I have begun to try to get his affairs in order (POA, health care directive) but have realized my mother did none of the things she promised she would before leaving (will, setting up online banking, picking out the eventual assisted living, writing all account numbers down, researching his LTC insurance, etc).
I live an hour away and have three small children and also work. I do not think he should be living on his own anymore or driving, and have begun bringing up assisted living. He is a stubborn man, and all of this is going to be a battle. My mother has washed her hands of this, so I am on my own to figure this out (along with my husband).
My question is: what to start with? Getting access to his medical records? Getting him to give up driving? Moving to assisted living? Any guidance or advice is much appreciated, I realize I asked a very broad question. I just feel completely overwhelmed!
Try to get him into assisted living as soon as possible. There's a good chance he will adapt and enjoy the social stimulation and conversation. Isolation will make him deteriorate more quickly.
Like you both said, the logistics of this (even when you won't be the caregiver) are A LOT. There is a wonderful assisted living/memory care facility quite close to me, which is where I hope he will eventually end up. We shall see, as he is very stubborn. Very. Actually, lealonnie your advice on reminding him of all the premiums he has paid through the years just might help a tad!
Exhausted, my relationship with my mother is strained. She sees no wrong in how she handled things. But, my young children love her so we see her occasionally.
I think I will take both of your advice and see out an elder care attorney. Thank you again!
Hugs 🤗
Then contact his Long Term Care Insurance Company to see what sort of coverage he has, where he can go, and exactly what they will pay for and for how long. Then you can check out some local Assisted Living communities, preferably with a continuum of care; ie: Assisted Living, Memory Care, Skilled Nursing, so that he can enter at one level and move within the same community as/if required. It always blows my mind to hear of the 'stubborn elder' who's been paying thru the ying-yang for long term care insurance for a zillion years but won't hear of actually USING the policy! Ugh. In any event, if/when he reaches the point where he can no longer care for himself or stay safe in his own home, you as his POA, will have the ability to help him acclimate into a safer place. You can always remind him of how much he's already PAID towards his long term care ANYWAY, right? LOL
I know how overwhelming all of this is.........I had 2 parents (as the only child) to deal with and now that Dad has passed, my mother has been moved into Memory Care this past June (from the Assisted Living section of the community). So I know how much is involved, even when they DON'T live with you!! It's a lot. You may also want to consult with an Elder Care attorney to ask a whole bunch of questions........I did that back in 2014 and am VERY glad I did. He's the one who let me know about the VA Aid & Attendance benefits Dad was entitled to receive as a WWII veteran, which has been extremely helpful (Mom still gets survivor benefits to this day). He also advised me about asset liquidation and lots of other useful information on the subject of elder care.
Best of luck!
Dubs you got got some good and sound advice already I’m just wondering if your dad would be open to going into assisted living at a place closer to you? With him safely in care you could continue to visit as his daughter and not get bogged down in the caregiver role.
I know it’s overwhelming. Continue to read here and post, it will help a lot!
Lea gave good advice about speaking to an elder attorney too. In fact I’m getting ready to book an appointment myself as my mom’s mid stage dementia and living next door to me but alone. I know for various reasons that I am not cut out for 24/7 hands on care so placement is in my future. I’ve got some financial things to navigate when that happens. Thank goodness your dad has a LTC policy. That should really help.
Good luck and remember you are not alone in dealing with this, as you can see from this forum. It will all get figured out step by step.
Just out out of curiosity and only if you don’t mind sharing, how’s your relationship with your mother?
You can find a certified elder law attorney at www.nelf.org. I used one and they were actually cheaper because they specialize in elder law.
Best of luck.
I agree with getting the POA first. That'll make everything else easier. Before my mother went on pain management, I took care of all that (durable POA, advance directive, health care POA, etc.) as I wanted it to be completely clear that she executed all documents before she went on mind-muddling medication.
Best wishes. With all you have on your plate right now, this may be a daunting task, but you're to be commended for taking it on.
Anyway I would start with getting the legalities in order too, you are thinking ahead, good for you. If your mom can't be of any help and you are simply starting from scratch maybe sit down with dad and say something about another family you heard about or that some professional suggested you and dad get his care wishes formalized and streamline his financials as well as appoint someone to take care of them for him in case of emergency. Either fain ignorance or simply join him in learning what to do and how to do it, you can ask if he knows an attorney who does this you could go to for guidance or if he's really against that ease your way through with suggestions or "should we's". "You know dad I do most of my bill paying on-line now it's so much easier and most of my reoccurring bills just get paid automatically if I want. Maybe it would help you to set that up too. As you do these things together he may find it's easier to let you handle some of it as my mom did and be quick to give you the access and later legal power. Again he still has a sense of control when he wants it, make sure you report to him things that have been accomplished. Same goes for health stuff, you start going to all doctors appointments with him and maybe order medications, take care of insurance, set up a communication portal is his doctors have one and it may be natural that he gives all the appropriate legal ok to make that easier. Then it's just a matter of streamlining with POA/DPOA and MPOA or proxy. If he isn't willing to do it all at once with an attorney take opportunities to ask him what he would want "if" and then put it in writing so you don't get it wrong in a time of stress & the appropriate people follow those wishes. It may be a bit underhanded but my mom fears the state or her doctors taking over the decisions and that keeps her doing things we want her to that she either doesn't see the need for or doesn't really want to do. In fairness that has been helped by periodic medical crises when she hasn't been listening and her primary being very clear that if we weren't so involved things would be different as well as my mom's general disposition but still you not just "laying down the law" but chipping away slowly but surely may be much more fruitful and pleasant. I know I would rather turn responsibilities over to my child than have them tell me what to do. No harm in telling him something makes things easier on you too when appropriate whether it be from a practical function (on-line management from an hour away) or emotional (I stress so much about this, take care of me). Planning together for future.