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Hello,
I’m past the point of trying to fix this with doctors. I need legal advice, past experiences, and potential strategy ideas. Thanks for reading:
My mother is stealing all my father’s medicine.
My father is 83 and has had the world’s worst luck in terms of health the past 15 years. He has had two knee replacements, retina surgery, an emergency triple bypass (was rushed during a routine checkup) and a near death GI surgery which was misdiagnosed and had to be airlifted to UofM. They ended up cutting out about 20% of each intestine, tying what was left, and sewing him back up. With each surgery came ALOT of opioids. As soon as he’d recover, he’d suffer another emergency, and more pain killers. By the end of the run-on bad health, he was chemically dependent on them. I will not say addicted, because he wasn’t abusing them. It was almost as if his brain chemistry was stuck in reverse. Functional when under the influence of his pain meds but a zombie when they were gone. He started to run out 1-2 days early each month and over 6-7 years it became about the last half of the month. This is where my mother comes in.
My mother is 61, she has always been a busy woman. At the time his meds were running out she was sick of the monthly withdrawals, the requests to call the doctor to get something else, fed up with his surgeries and the recoveries. At one point she even said, “you better hope you don’t need more surgery cause it’s not happening.” Her solution was to exaggerate her new knee pain and get her own Percocet prescription as a “supplementary” prescription. She would pick up my dad’s meds from the pharmacy and administer them as she saw fit. Could be more, could be less, but not as prescribed.
Fast forward to 2024 and my mother’s knees are both bone on bone, she has a meniscus tear she won’t deal with, and very bad arthritis. She has had several vomiting episodes, maybe 2 a year that last 3 days and always result in an ER trip. She disregards everything the doctors say and claims they are morons, and she knows more. She’s very smart so she can be believable. About 14 months ago I began to suspect foul play. I suspected she would blow through hers and then dip into my dad’s bottle. He always backs her up, but he finally broke down to me. He doesn’t enjoy the euphoric feeling or any drug, he never has. But his age and his lower back he cannot move. He has been going from the couch to the computer to bed and he’s miserable. My mother on the other hand was zooming around the city.
7 months ago, I found a phentermine pill on the kitchen floor. 5 months ago, I found a letter from their pain clinic. It was addressed to my mom, and it stated they were cutting her off due to a drug test which showed high levels of Phentermine and Benzos, neither prescribed.
There are ALOT of asserts and money involved but it is extremely unorganized. My father averaged 6 million in income and retired during the housing collapse. My mom is now selling a lot of the assets and not keeping up with the rental portfolio. The family business was failing to the point that I left to join a corporate firm. She is taking 100% of my dad’s pain meds. Gaslighting my siblings and scapegoating me. Please remember she is brilliant in mental warfare (as all narcissists are because they must trick themselves first).
I do well for myself, so I do not really care about the assets and monetary accounts. I want to protect my father because he’s miraculously in good health outside of his pain. He will not confront her or stand up for himself. She keeps the rest of the family at bay and gives them houses and pays for their kid’s college. Even if they believed me, they won’t stand up.
I’d like to help my mother as well but don’t have 4000 hours to spend on her therapy.
I am 32, fully independent, and have a very fortunate income. I have no financial motives.
What are my options? Time to lawyer up? File elder abuse charge? Force rehab on my mother?

Sounds like it's time for an intervention with your mother, and while she's in rehab, time to get your father out of the home and into a nice assisted living facility.
Since money doesn't seem to be an issue, he could live in a very nice one of his choice.
Otherwise you may have to call APS, and make them aware of the situation, and also tell them that because your mother is an addict, she will lie to their faces to try and get them to believe that all is well.
What your mother is doing is against the law, and she needs to now suffer the consequences of that so that your father no longer has to suffer without his pain medications that he honestly needs.
What a hot mess! I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, and I wish you well in getting your mother the help she so desperately needs.
And hopefully before it's all said and done your father will have finally grown a set of balls that he obviously has been missing for a long time.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Hopeforhelp22 Aug 17, 2024
Hi funkygrandma - such great advice you gave!
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You cannot force an adult to do anything against their will, even if you are their legal guardian. I mean physically force her to go to rehab, as this is what it would take. Even if you staged an intervention, she won't be voluntarily going unless you had some really potent, strategic leverage for her to do so.

Your Dad chooses to stay with her, so don't bother trying to rescue him until and unless he "sees the light". It will exhaust you. He needs to assign someone trustworthy as his FPoA. He can do this to protect his portion of assets. But will he? It's expensive and time consuming and emotionally draining to go to court over stuff like this.

Leave them alone and only interact with them as much as you desire or can stand. You have no control in this situation.
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FamilySucks Aug 17, 2024
There will not be any light as their marriage is more of a business arrangement than a marriage. Unfortunately, due to creative financing and bankruptcy strategy, he would have $0.00 and no assets. Time to move on and accept reality.
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You have no options.
Your parents are not demented.
They have a right to be addicts. They can steal one another's medications as they please. They have a right to mess up their assets all they please.
No attorney on earth can change a single thing about this; don't waste your money.

I encourage you to attend Narc-onon/Al-anon or any other family support group that will provide you knowledge, support, and the understanding that YOU can do exactly NOTHING about any of this.
Your father's bowel surgery was almost certainly due to his opiod addiction. Likely obstruction will occur again with further dying portions of the bowel, further surgery (or not).

You recognize your parents should be in care and their medications should be monitored, but you can DO NOTHING ABOUT THAT until and unless they are diagnosed mentally incompetent --BOTH OF THEM. That is very unlikely to happen in the near future.

And that is what you need to accept. Please go to Al-anon. Meanwhile practice the serenity prayer, stay out of it, and stay away from them.
Get on with your life.
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FamilySucks Aug 17, 2024
Aye aye sir,

I'm going to get my resume beefed up and start applying in some other states. The state I reside in is a distressed and depressed state to begin with. Only reason I’ve stuck around is to try and help.
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Find a acupuncturist and help your dad with draw from the Medications. Acupuncture can help with Pain . Someone suggested finding Him a assisted Living Facility But It sounds like your Mom runs the show . Perhaps spend More time with Your Dad and get to Know How he really feels .
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FamilySucks Aug 17, 2024
My father cannot really do anything. He took his name off all the assets to protect himself in the housing collapse. I guess the one question I forgot to ask is, should I tell my siblings what’s going on?
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I'm sorry, I know you don't want to hear this, but it has to be said - BOTH of your parents are addicted.

"By the end of the run on bad health he was chemically dependent on them. "
Chemical dependence IS the definition of addiction.

There is not much you can do at this point if they CHOOSE to live like this. The only thing you can do is protect yourself, as best you can, from this mess.

I'm actually surprised their doctors are still prescribing opioids at this point. Considering all of the safeguards that are in place to try and combat the opioid addiction/crisis.

Maybe you should seek some advice from Al-Anon or Narcotics Anonymous for support in this for yourself.
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FamilySucks Aug 17, 2024
Thank you for thoughtful answers I’m looking into local Al-Anon services. I think I’m going to go “no contact”. Going to start applying out of state and let the chips fall where they may.
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A long story but I have a short answer for you.

Dad needs to save himself.

Dad calls 911 if he has new or high pain & gets transported out of his home. Then he can get the proper treatment & medication he needs.

I get you CARE but..

There is big risk in labeling Mom the 'bad guy/gal' riding in to be Dad's hero.
Dad can side with Mom & freeze you out.

This is his life & his marriage.

PS move 4 hours away minimum
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