My 78 year old single mother has been recently diagnosed with early dementia, depression and emphysema. She also suffers from anxiety attacks. She takes medication for all these but they only help a little. I am her only child and moved in with her 6 years ago after living abroad for most of my adult life. She is now very lonely during the day but too apathetic to do much about it. She is becoming increasingly possessive over me and looking to me for company which is becoming stifling as well as impractical as I work fulltime and in a relationship. She is not averse to going to a care home and we’re organizing a trial period to see how she gets on. The doctor has advised me on not telling her she has early dementia because this would burden her even further, however, without her knowing her condition she can't appreciate what the limitations will be for her. Will it help her to know what’s coming? Also, I'm increasingly feeling guilty of the resentfulness I feel that as an only child I'm suddenly in this situation. Are there any single children out there feeling the same?
I'm an only child as well and have plenty of resentment for being the only person on earth to deal with my mother (and my father, too, up until he passed away in 2015) since I had to move them close to me in 2011. I think you and I are both fortunate in that our folks have the funds and the willingness to go into managed care, however, so DO make use of that service asap. That doesn't let you off the hook in any way, shape or form, though.........it only prevents you from doing the hands on care giving, which is good. Everything else will fall on your shoulders, as it does mine, yet you'll hear people say how you 'ditched your mother in AL and now have no worries or duties to manage whatsoever'. Which is a joke. I have 1001 things to do for my mother including managing her finances, trips to the ER which we just took this past week, talking to her doctors, medication changes, and a thousand other things in general. It's been a good thing and a blessing for my mother though, b/c she stays busy & there's lots of people to canoodle with and activities/meals/outings to keep her occupied in AL.
Wishing you the best of luck managing HER life and YOUR life at the same time. It isn't easy but you can do it, if you play your cards right.
Glass of wine ( the good stuff! ) to you and the poster here. Shoot, all of us really
https://youtu.be/u5QMeQpkPhA
It’s only a few minutes long, and will help you understand why this is all feeling bonkers to ya.
I'm sure her Dr. told you too, that depression is a leading factor in causing dementia, so hopefully her depression is well treated.
When my husband was diagnosed with vascular dementia(the most aggressive with a life expectancy of 5 years) in 2018, I chose not to tell him, as I saw no purpose in him having to have that in the back of his mind. Instead, we focused on making the most of each day, and as hard as it was some days, I wouldn't change a thing, as I lost my husband in Sept. 2020.
I hope and pray that your mom will like the facility she will be trying out, as it's important that you get to continue on with your life. Just because you're an only child doesn't mean that you're responsible for your mothers care. You have a life to live too, so make sure you are doing just that, as you're not getting any younger either. I wish you both well.
I waited over three years for a doctor to spell it out for my husband and none of them did. When my husband was faced with a surgery he did not want but was struggling with whether his "wants" should be outweighed by "what is the right thing to do" I finally told him about the two different dementia diagnosis because going under anesthesia would not have a favorably outcome for him. He needed that information in order to finally feel okay about his decision.
It should not have been on my shoulders to have that discussion with him. His pcp or neurologist should have explained his diagnosis to him, discussed what the future holds, and provided us both with direction for support services.
So to Ricky6, I say, "Yes, it changes things."
Pick a place that is close to you so you can assure her you will visit. Also, at first maybe you can take her out once a week, take her to dinner or to church. This way she won't feel like she is locked up, and she can still live a normal life.
The “limitations” will be addressed by your are sites staff.
Knowing “what’s coming” will not carry the meaning youare hoping it will, if she is already confused and forgetful.
I’ve been “the only child” twice, first with my mother, and now with the last of her sisters. It is brutal, but I will tell you honestly, there is often NO SHARING OF RESPONSIBILITIES , whether there are siblings or not. And sometimes a sibling is MUCH more trouble than dealing with just the parent.
What you are “feeling” is doing her no harm, but for your own good, find a sympathetic, non involved listener and talk it through.
"She is now very lonely during the day but too apathetic to do much about it." She can't do anything about it, her mind can no longer sort things out.
I think your "trial period" is a good idea. You may be asked not to visit too much. You need to allow the staff to do for her and she needs to learn to depend on them.
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