Not a great idea, especially with dementia and a history of mental illness going on with mom. More cons thans pros to such a thing, imo. What if she won't leave the family home and refuses to go back to AL, then what?
If they are in Assisted Living because they can not manage some of their ADL's themselves and they are cognizant then a visit should not be a problem. HOWEVER if they both have dementia then taking them "home" for a visit is not a good idea. They just entered AL and they are getting adjusted. Let them get to know AL as "home" and let them get comfortable. And personal opinion here but if they both have dementia they should not be in AL but should be in Memory Care UNLESS the AL is a locked facility where they would be restricted from leaving unless you or other authorized person is with them. I would hate to think they could leave and wander away trying to get "home".
Bekind215, even through my own Dad had just regular age related decline, I never took him back to drive by his previous house [one he shared with my Mom], nor did I have him visit my house once he moved to senior living.
There were just too many sad memories of the past that would surface. My Dad missed my Mom so much as they were married over 70 years. If I had brought him back to my house, he would probably remember how they would sit on my sofa holding hands, etc.
Plus I have heard sometimes if a parent goes back to a previous house, they may refuse to go back to the senior facility. Best not to take that chance.
I agree, not a good idea. They just entered an AL and need to acclimate to it. I don't see where taking them home would be a good idea. The management at the AL will probably agree with us. To be honest, its never a good idea. What happens if you get them there and they refuse to go back to the AL. With Dementia, it just becomes too confusing for them.
I also suggest that you don't take them back when you start to clean out the house. Just DO IT. What they have at the AL is all they need. Eventually it will be LTC and they will be taking very few things with them. Really almost nothing but their clothes. Sell what you can of their household goods and give the rest away. And sell the house. My Moms was such an albatross. Money I could have used to offset the cost of her care, went to paying taxes and upkeep on the house. I so wish I had gotten her to sell after Dad died and gone into a nice apartment.
If it is to provide a way for them to feel happy, to remember old fond memories - I wouldn't do it.
There is no guarantee they WILL feel happy. Quite likely feel angry instead, even cheated, sad, hopeless at the loss of their home.
Why not try reminiscing over old photos with them instead? Old photos, old homes, but also the people! These bring out the stories 😊 When enough, or if upsetting you close the album.
Or maybe the aim is for you?
For you to feel you are giving them this gift? Maybe think of other gifts that will meet this need. That don't carry such emotional risk.
I remember a Poster's Husband that keep on about his wish to spring his elderly Mother from the NH to take her back to her little town of birth.. The town would have been unrecognisable 70 yrs later, the old shops & houses gone, her memory quite faded too. No-one could see any benefits. Yet it must have made him feel better to wish it.
When my mom's health declined I moved back into the farm where I grew up to help, and when it became clear something needed to change I sold up and we moved to a more accessible home in a nearby town. Even though I'm happy that a new family has moved in and are slowly bringing things up to the 21st century I don't really want to even drive by let alone go back (the new owners offered). Some things are just too emotionally difficult...but that's just me.
I only ask because when my sister visits, she takes them home. My mother has severe anxiety and is awake half the night waiting to go, my father just gets sad. My sister doesn't speak to me so there is no talking about the effects that it has on them. I know she thinks she's doing a good thing, but I'm with them daily and see the effects
It depends. Did they go to AL willingly? If you took them back to visit, will they refuse to leave?
After 20 years of living in the same place with lots of happy memories and fantastic amenities, we moved my Mom, with resistance, to a shared suite in Memory Care (2 people to a suite (shared bathroom), each having their own bedroom). She found out 3 days in advance and was anxious and negative. We hung her pictures, took her dresser, and used her bedspread at her new "home". Her new "home" was the size of a dorm room.
We were going to rent her home to help pay for MC and she was not happy about us renting it. I didn't want to allow her back in, not even on the premises.
Six months later, my sister took her back to her old home as we were doing final clean-out for the rental and needed her advice on the disposition of certain things. By this time, most of the pictures had been removed from the walls and her bedroom looked substantially different (we moved furniture from other rooms into it). My mother went, looked at everything, did what needed to be done, then announced that "she wanted to be taken back home and started for the door". (YEAAA!)
Two weeks later, my mother asked me if we had rented out her place yet and I said no, however, I told her that it had been cleaned out. She asked to visit again. I took her. She looked in every room that she was able, in every closet, in every drawer. Then she asked to be taken home.
For her, that last visit was closure. She has not asked to go back since and she has not asked to leave the MC unit or move somewhere else.
She occasionally asks how the rental is going, but not once does she ask to go back.
So taking someone back to their old house can be a good thing as it can be closure on a chapter of their life. She still talks about all the things that occurred in that house in a matter-of-fact way. No sadness detected.
It really is up to you to do what your think is best.
Give it a little time so they can settle in at the AL. I'm sure they already have sadness about leaving their home, so just put a little distance between that event. Once they make a few friends and kind of consider the AL their 'new' home, perhaps a visit at that time.
Or to prevent the ache that goes along with major changes in your life, see if they ask about going for a visit. Maybe if the home stays in the family, plan a gathering for family and friends at the home later in the year.
About 20 years ago, a realtor gave me a CD with the photos from the on-line listing of a long-time home. It has been comforting over time to go back to those photos, occasionally. Maybe a photo album or some kind of photo documentation would be a good way for the mother to revisit her old life and memories without putting the decision to leave back on the table.
My mother had been in assisted living for a while. My sister was in the same town and visited her regularly. My sister had taken Mom’s dog into her home. I came to town from out of state, and my sister decided bring our mom to her house for lunch and a short visit. It all went well until it was time to take her back. Mom refused to leave her dog. We all felt really bad about the situation knowing how much she loved her dog. I think my sister thought I’d be able to get our mother back to her AL facility. Our mother became very belligerent. For a time we looked pretty ridiculous trying to get Mom into the car. We coax her into the car only to have her slide out the other side. We tried not to trick her or force her to leave. Finally my sister’s husband appealed to her higher order brain instead of her understandably childish behavior. He simply said, “Bess, it’s getting darker and it looks like it’s going to rain. Alice needs to take you back so she won’t be driving in the dark and rain.” My mother still loved me more than the dog. Her whole demeanor changed into a mother concerned for her daughter’s safety and welfare. She was no longer acting like a child exerting her will over the adults. She willingly allowed us to end our visit with my sister. She even apologized to me for acting out as I drove her “home.”
My husband lives in an AL/MC residence. It truly depends upon the person. Some are like my husband and it would be far too upsetting. For others, it is fine. As with just about everything on this journey of ours, there is one clear answer.
Bekind215: This proposed plan could end in disaster especially since your mother suffers from dementia; all manner of unpleasantness could arise. I do not advocate this as perhaps there is no real goal other than visiting their long time home. Keep everything status quo.
It depends on the person. My mom moved into AL back in October. She was a hoarder so it was difficult to clear out her apartment. I took her back at one point just so she could go through some things and she ended up bringing back more crap. That was a mistake, buy she wanted to go back so I did. I brought her back one last time about 2 weeks ago when the apartment was empty. All that was left was a stack table and she took that. Very difficult to break a person from that habit. But she wanted to say goodbye to her home. Now I'm selling the apartment. Can't wait for this to be done...
Being reminded of what you have lost is hard, don't do it.
This is their home now, help them adjust and accept that by leaving the past right where it is.
HOWEVER if they both have dementia then taking them "home" for a visit is not a good idea.
They just entered AL and they are getting adjusted. Let them get to know AL as "home" and let them get comfortable.
And personal opinion here but if they both have dementia they should not be in AL but should be in Memory Care UNLESS the AL is a locked facility where they would be restricted from leaving unless you or other authorized person is with them. I would hate to think they could leave and wander away trying to get "home".
There were just too many sad memories of the past that would surface. My Dad missed my Mom so much as they were married over 70 years. If I had brought him back to my house, he would probably remember how they would sit on my sofa holding hands, etc.
Plus I have heard sometimes if a parent goes back to a previous house, they may refuse to go back to the senior facility. Best not to take that chance.
I also suggest that you don't take them back when you start to clean out the house. Just DO IT. What they have at the AL is all they need. Eventually it will be LTC and they will be taking very few things with them. Really almost nothing but their clothes. Sell what you can of their household goods and give the rest away. And sell the house. My Moms was such an albatross. Money I could have used to offset the cost of her care, went to paying taxes and upkeep on the house. I so wish I had gotten her to sell after Dad died and gone into a nice apartment.
If it is to provide a way for them to feel happy, to remember old fond memories - I wouldn't do it.
There is no guarantee they WILL feel happy. Quite likely feel angry instead, even cheated, sad, hopeless at the loss of their home.
Why not try reminiscing over old photos with them instead? Old photos, old homes, but also the people! These bring out the stories 😊 When enough, or if upsetting you close the album.
Or maybe the aim is for you?
For you to feel you are giving them this gift? Maybe think of other gifts that will meet this need. That don't carry such emotional risk.
I remember a Poster's Husband that keep on about his wish to spring his elderly Mother from the NH to take her back to her little town of birth.. The town would have been unrecognisable 70 yrs later, the old shops & houses gone, her memory quite faded too. No-one could see any benefits. Yet it must have made him feel better to wish it.
Is this your idea or theirs? Either way, if it is going to stir up bad memories, I don’t think that I would be interested in taking them.
After 20 years of living in the same place with lots of happy memories and fantastic amenities, we moved my Mom, with resistance, to a shared suite in Memory Care (2 people to a suite (shared bathroom), each having their own bedroom). She found out 3 days in advance and was anxious and negative. We hung her pictures, took her dresser, and used her bedspread at her new "home". Her new "home" was the size of a dorm room.
We were going to rent her home to help pay for MC and she was not happy about us renting it. I didn't want to allow her back in, not even on the premises.
Six months later, my sister took her back to her old home as we were doing final clean-out for the rental and needed her advice on the disposition of certain things. By this time, most of the pictures had been removed from the walls and her bedroom looked substantially different (we moved furniture from other rooms into it). My mother went, looked at everything, did what needed to be done, then announced that "she wanted to be taken back home and started for the door". (YEAAA!)
Two weeks later, my mother asked me if we had rented out her place yet and I said no, however, I told her that it had been cleaned out. She asked to visit again. I took her. She looked in every room that she was able, in every closet, in every drawer. Then she asked to be taken home.
For her, that last visit was closure. She has not asked to go back since and she has not asked to leave the MC unit or move somewhere else.
She occasionally asks how the rental is going, but not once does she ask to go back.
So taking someone back to their old house can be a good thing as it can be closure on a chapter of their life. She still talks about all the things that occurred in that house in a matter-of-fact way. No sadness detected.
It really is up to you to do what your think is best.
I did it once, and after seeing the joy she felt, that I could never give back to her, I know I should NEVER have done it, not even once.
Or to prevent the ache that goes along with major changes in your life, see if they ask about going for a visit. Maybe if the home stays in the family, plan a gathering for family and friends at the home later in the year.