What boundaries, rules, etc. have you set for your loved one's?

Those rules are fair, and appear, to include boundaries in response to the mother, asking you repeated questions,
1.did you ...
2. when is ...
3.Where is ...
4. Why ... etc.
Even if she follows your rules, expect other attention seeking behaviors to arise.

Start looking into care facilities, now, when things are relatively calm. Early preparation, will help navigate future issues.

I did not have "house rules" but I did stick with a strict routine. My mom had Alzheimer's and she thrived with a very strict schedule. As she gradually declined, the schedule had to be modified. I kept mom going (walking) as long as I could, and took her to the park every single day for 5 years and she had a specialized walker and she sure loved it. She was bedridden for 2-1/2 months before she died only because she forgot how to stand. I still used a hoyer lift to put her in her favorite chair in the living room, back to bed, then living room again. I did this back and forth a few times a day because I did not want her just lying in bed all the time. She seemed to do better with that routine. Besides at that point I had to change her diaper about 5 or 6 times a day, and I had a strict bowel schedule Tues, Thursdays and Sundays to prevent impaction.

When it was raining outside I took her to an enclosed parking lot and counted 1,000 steps to make sure she got her quarter-of-a-mile walk. She enjoyed her walks and since it was routine (same time everyday) she never resisted.

Mum lived 15 years with Alzheimer's and ironically it was not that disease that killed her. She was an insulin-dependent diabetic with liver and kidney disease so even if she were a walkie-talkie self caring person she still would have died of those other diseases. She made it to age 90. Not a single mark on her skin.

There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to stop Alzheimer's disease...however, you can slow down the decline with routine and daily exercise. Mum was on hospice for two years, and not once did she ever have to take narcotics or psychotropics. Her routines kept her behavior in check.

You MUST know that decline is inevitable and caregiving gets MUCH HARDER the more incapacitated they become. You may want to discuss with your husband what are you going to do when you have to start changing her diapers and induce bowel movements on schedule. I had to bathe my mom for years, which includes keeping her private areas clean because she could not do it. The last thing you would want is a urinary tract infection. Her bathing days would be the same as her bowel movement days. As soon as she had a bowel movement I put her in the shower (the bath had to be torn out and replaced with a walk-in shower). With lots of installed side rails. I did not mind bathing my mom. I love mom so I did not care.

When mom became bedridden because she forgot how to stand (and it was a daily struggle to get her up), I had to go through enormous psychological adjustment myself. Accepting her decline.

When mom died after 15 years of battling Alzheimer's she was the center of my life for many many years so it messed me up psychologically to not have her around me. One year and 3 months later I'm still struggling but I am gainfully employed and working toward my Master's degree. Even if I don't make it through school it was really the only thing that got myself back to the pulse of the living but I still miss her terribly.. **BUT** I also accept her death as a part of life and hey I had my mum for 90 years, and I thank God for each and everyday I had her. Mom has everlasting peace..the pain is only reserved for the living, and nothing can ever harm her and transcended disease.

You better think about that kind of level of care, and start planning. It WILL happen.

You sound like a very unhappy person. Why don’t you put your mil in a facility instead of buying a new house where it is obviously not wanted

My guess is that anyone who judges you for your boundaries in your house, they probably raised some ungrateful brats for kids and also know those brats are going to put them in a home first chance they get. I totally get it and from reading your list I could tell you the exact personality type you are dealing with. My mother-in-law with very active schizophrenia lived with us for the first 22 years I was with my husband. Sooo many attempts she made to manipulate me or the situation and because I knew all her behaviors and could predict her next move, she hated that and would try to switch things up, but I kept things mostly under control. Once in a while her paranoia would escalate and she would have a total psychosis break that would require crisis intervention and hospitalization . She would quickly turn back into a sweet 70+ yr old woman and manipulate staff into releasing her but at least we would get a little break.
She was a repeater as well.... She would barge into our area of our home and ask stuff like "what day do we go pick up pills", I would answer buy she would continue to ask repetitively until I eventually had to raise my voice, them I wouldn't see her for a while. She had a water fixation too that just about drove me to the psych ward. Sadly, 5 years ago my then 53 yo husband (I was 44) had a massive stroke. Although he was non ambulatory and had very little speech, I brought him home after 3 months of rehab. So now I had her and him and of course was promised all kinds of help that just never came. A year and a half I kept both of them home but it was eventually too much and she us now in a home. However, I still do have my husband here who is now bedbound, says yes and no but they're not accurate but mind you my man knows what he wants and thinks I am to jump and accommodate his every need. He has no empathy for how I feel and my stress (I have been in a wheelchair for a year and a half with ankle fusion, thyroid removal and rheumatoid) but that shouldn't factor in to how long it takes to accomodate him lol He has been tu tu tuing me thru this entire narrative (th is the syllable he replacss words with). Does that make me hurry and get that snack.... Nope. Because this is every night and if I don't force a little patience on him I would be frazzled. I love my husband, I do spoil him, but there has to be a line or I would be a total wreck. Who am I kidding, I already am lol but I will get up tomorrow with a smile and a song for him to set the mood of the day, I will care about doing the bills, keeping the house and keeping him clean and dry for the both of us. Because he can't care, I care twice as hard..... BUT if he can't find his remote control at 3am (it's on a string connected to his bed) do I get up to run out there and quiet his pleas by finding it for him, hell no! I need my beauty sleep and my mental renewal. Much love to all the caregivers out there.... I don't have time to proofread this the tututus are getting louder and on my nerves so I apologize for errors, just figure them out and don't dwell on the small stuff.

I should have given a little bit of background when I posted since I know I come off as a "mean daughter". :) I didn't create my other post yet on the story of how we got here with my mom now wheelchair bound which would have given some backstory as well as a word of warning.
Anyway, she gets plenty of love, attention and care and I actually don't have to repeat myself as far as what I won't be doing at a certain time. We pretty much have a regular routine where she knows what is happening at a particular time of the day- something I highly recommend whether or not your LO has memory loss.
I had to set boundaries because I really think she believes I am still under her roof and she can tell me everything to do and when to do it. I seriously have had to justify more than once why I was working down in my basement or doing some other needed things around the house. 🤐 Also, she would have me in the kitchen all day and waiting on her for every single thing. This would cause her to be even less mobile than she already is. It was really bad about two years ago when she went to a SNF for the first time for rehab. Something would literally be right there in front of her and she would get me to get it or do it for her- and there was no reason she couldn't get it or do it. It was very frustrating. I had to keep encouraging her to do things for herself or else she would not have come out of there and may even have ended up bedridden.
I appreciate all the responses from you here and have enjoyed reading them.
I have learned so much on this site from everyone and it has really helped my sanity at times. :) I pray that everyone can get some moments of peace during their caregiving journey.

ybd311: You're fortunate in the fact that your mother ACCEPTED moving in with you. Mine did not; I had to move in with her 7 states from my own.

Nothing in there sounds very loving or kind -- or funny. :-(

I suggest you find a place where she can be happy and you can be unburdened.

If it works for now, fine and good. The sad thing, though, is that she will get worse. My sisters and I have decided that none of us will allow Mom to move in with us because we know that none of us could deal with the 24/7 care. I know for sure that Mom would not remember even a third of these rules and writing them down would not help. Mom will stay in her own home as long as she can make it work. When/if she can no longer deal with being alone at night or making her own meals she will need to go into some kind of residential care. At this time she is unwilling to discuss it. We all hope that she can remain strong enough and present enough to stay where she is until she passes. She is 96 and could live to 100, I suppose. We all hope that she can pass easily in her sleep. Nevertheless, life with Mom is a constant reviewing and changing expectations. You do sound exhausted--so many of your rules seem defensive. Take care of yourself. You do seem to understand that you need to put your own needs ahead of your mother's. You also seem to me that you might be a bit too strong for your own good--or your mother's. Please be on the look-out for the time when she needs to be in residential care and be strong enough to make that decision before it is a crisis. Take time to be happy, if you can. Maybe Saturday with your husband is not enough. Can you make some time for just you? Best of luck. I know it is difficult.

I think those responses are great, I don't know if she will listen or do those things and that is when you must get tough. Depending on the situation, either repeat your rule to her and tell her NO - she is on her own and should listen to you - in your house. Just keep ignoring her other than being pleasant and helpful when it is logical to do that and do NOT allow her to impact YOUR life to the point of destruction. This is YOUR time. She is the patient and she has had her time to live. Be tough and firm and stand your ground.

Sounds like you covered it all except when you move get front loading washer and dryer so she can wash her own clothes if she's able if not, she deffiently needs to fold them.

I do think that you should at least add a one day a month. that she gets to go out if she wants like to get her hair done, Out to eat, get a manicure or pedicure.

You also should have a once a month Bingo Night for her and a couple friends.

If she has friends then she won't booking for you for her people time.

Your children might even be old enough to run a Bingo Night for Grandma.

🤣. Boundaries are so necessary!

Great!!!! Wonderful!!!

It sounds like you have everything under control, but be sure to leave some time for love and unstructured happy times! At some point you may want to consider getting part-time help to give yourself a break. Maybe someone to help with cleaning, or whatever would help.

Wow! You are my hero. I wish I had your firm boundary setting abilities. I am going crazy. I am going to use you as inspiration. Great job?

Rules and boundaries are very important for every household. You sound like you approach life with some humor and practicality. My question for you is, when she declines and the current set of rules will no longer apply, do you have a solid plan? I have found it helpful to try and be ahead of the curve so I am not overwhelmed. You are making a big investment in another house with separate apartment that you may not need or want. I hear your frustration in previously trying to help your mom and her not taking positive steps to prevent her current situation. You are still in that “I can fix this” mindset. And you may be successful! I hope you are! I realized that I will never “fix” my mother. That would be exhausting and impossible! I can only insure safety and care while allowing her the freedom to be dysfunctional - her baseline functioning. Let us know how things are working for you as setting rules and boundaries are so hard for many of us. I wish I had a role model for setting boundaries! It took me years to learn.

Thank you for posting and letting me be a little bit of a devils advocate!

Excellent! You have discovered early on what many of us stumbled over late in the game. When you are left taking care of a controlling, judgmental and stubborn aged parent in your home and they still think they are the boss it can be dicey. I’ve learned a lot and will not force my children to go through this. Hopefully you and your spouse are doing well throughout this. THAT is the most important factor. Unfortunately not all elderly parents are sweet, humble and compliant when left to their children’s care. If so, nursing homes would probably not be bursting at the seams with patients. I always maintain if it weren’t for my mom’s nastiness and critical nature (which did not just occur with aging) this might actually be quite pleasant for all of us. You will know when you’re ready to place your mom in a NH. For now if these rules work God Bless you.

It sounds like you are at the end of your rope. I hope you will consider moving your mom to a retirement home. She will be looked after and she won't feel like she is a burden. She needs to be with other people and have friends and activities. You need to be free of the responsibility of her care. I've been where you are and the resentment will only keep building up until you make other arrangements. Now that my mom has moved I am no longer stressed and angry and impatient with her. I can now visit with her, take her out and enjoy being with her like we did in her younger days.

Love. How old is your mother? I will use a few rules

contact her doctor or me to have him referyou to a company that takes care of this and advises you! You rules are ALL OR NOTHING! I feel bad for her! You give yourself alot of credit but I DO NOT HEAR?SEE any kindness, love, patience. empathy, sympathy! If you traded places I do not think you would like these rules! YOU NEED TO BE MORE FLEXIBLE or consider a VERY NICE Sr Citizen's Facility!
She deserves better & you are worn out, resentful and too angry, please get some HospiceCompany to refer you to a family therapist! You probably will NOT like what I wrote but it is all true. if you are religious see your pastor for a long talk!

We made the decision to move my mom to a retirement home. Initially she was resistant but she has adjusted very well. My mother has memory loss and didn't want any outside help. I live less than five minutes from where she lived so she depended on me for everything. She was also depressed and mourning the loss of her long time companion. She has outlived all of her friends and had no one left to socialize with except myself. She was living on junk food as she doesn't like to cook. Since moving she is enjoying three good meals every day and is getting her meds on a regular basis. The home is beautiful and the staff are wonderful. They have a variety of activities and entertainment. Even though she didn't want to move it was a good move for her and for me. Don't feel guilty about relocating a loved one. It's the only way to save your sanity.

BOUNDRIES are the ONLY solution and DO NOT FEEL BAD for taking care of yourself FIRST! If her mental capacity is deteriorating and disrupting your home, then find someplace else for her if she is uncapable to understand the boundries that is NOT emotionally attached, which just ends up in enabling.
Deb RN

EXCELLENT YBD311.....YOUR HOUSE.....YOU RULES...or she can GET OUT!
Deb RN

The best boundary consists of at least a 500 mile distance between yourself and the aging parent.

Boundaries are fine if there is no memory loss. For me the boundaries were for me. Determining what I would not do. The line in the sand when a facility would be necessary.

And yes, definitely, they will take things, toothpaste, jewelry, clothing, eyeglasses, without a clue, that they belong to someone else. That is dementia and memory loss. It is their reality, their world.

I’m new to caretaking my mom with memory loss. I’m a single mom of a six year old and work 55-60 hours a week. I set boundaries but they get trampled on. Things keep getting broken around the house and my belongings are taken. Things being thrown away while trash is put in the sink. I think some of it she can’t help, but seriously, if she goes into my bathroom and then takes my toothpaste, how am I supposed to believe that she really thought it was hers? Why not just take what she needs and then leave it?

Excellent boundaries!

If she starts pushing back, remind her that this is the care you are ABLE to provide. The boundaries are there to preserve your health and sanity as well as maintain her health and independence.

Remind her that if she needs more help, then it is time to investigate the OTHER options for her own health and safety.

Sounds good. But I do wonder what will happen when Mom's mentation doesn't allow her to remain within the bounds of the boundaries? Would that be placement? I think long as you are willing to do that, this sounds good.

This one is a boundary for me when cleaning up my mother who is incontinent. I don't touch her private. I just don't. Just the thought of it is disturbing and disgusting.

I wear gloves. I use a postpartum bottle to squirt some water in the back area, then squirt some soap, then I tell her or guide her hand there so she can wash herself as I squirt more water until it's clean. I do the same for the front. Then I hand her a towel on a hanger so she can dry herself, then she puts the towel back on the hanger. Then I spray down the toilet seat with rubbing alcohol then wipe it clean. No touching.

An interesting post, although clearly tailored to your own situation. I wish that the Moderators could set up a Care Topic for Boundaries, which is such a common issue. More examples for people in different circumstances could be really helpful. Perhaps a few articles, as well as Q & A.

Fantastic boundaries! Lots of good, practical examples. Thanks!