Stop. Breathe. Wait for calm to be restored. Then try again.
Try some tricks..
Don't ask "Do you want to change clothes?" Say "It's time to freshen up."
Avoid mention of boring tasks, avoid explaining with logic, avoid increasing her embaressment or shame.
"Come with me" as you lead into the bathroom. (Half the battle done). "While we are here may as well..."
If she is someone who likes to keep control, try flipping the question to get the answer you want. eg Do you want to feel fresh & clean? You might get a yes.. (with some luck).
Do you want to wash, shower, change clothes, change more likely to get a No.
We’ve found if we out the water on in the tub before she dresses, she thinks she started the tub and gets in. Same with pills - put them in a little cup next to her plate- thinks she did it and not tussle. Early - mod dementia.
With my mom, I have told all her caregivers to be assertive and nicely tell her what's going to happen instead of asking. She can still say no but, at least with a yes or no question, my mom will usually pick no.
So, in a nice calm voice you say something like "OK mom it's time to change your pullup". Does she help pick out her clothes? If so, offer her 2 options. Would you prefer blue pajamas or red pajamas? If she has a hard time deciding, I say things like "I think the blue ones would be good" and hope she goes along with it.
If your mom is angry, why is she angry? Because you want her to change? If so, give it a bit of time where she might have forgotten or at least calmed down.
You can try telling her a therapeutic fib like: "So-and-so is coming to visit us so we need to get cleaned up and put on some nice clothes for the visit." Or, fake doctor's appointment, etc. Sometimes the only thing that works is to have another neutral person to help her with a shower. That's what we had to do with my Aunt. She didn't like it at first but then eventually it went more smoothly. Also, it may only happen once a week, so pick your battles.
Never ask "do you want..." just do it. It use to drive me nuts when a healthcare worker would say "Do you want..." of course Mom would say No. They are like toddlers. You say "time to get changed" or "time to get dressed" Or as said, you just lead her to the bathroom. Never did I "ask" my Mom. It was always "time for a shower" "you need a change".
My DD is an RN and says you need to make them feel they made the decision if you get a no answer. "Mom, don't you think you would feel much better if you had a nice shower and clean clothes" You may get a yes. Or Mom, "you really don't want to sit in those messy panties so lets change them" hopefully u get an OK.
My mom is in a memory care facility and she had been fiercely resisting the caregivers, yelling at them and me too. Her doctor recommended putting her on Seroquil which really helped reduce her frustrations of having dementia and stabilized her moods.
Geriatric Psychiatrist can prescribe sedatives and sleep aids. Perhaps nursing and then into Memory care? It may take a village to win this battle......it's right up there with taking the car away.
LisaS2023: Employ tactics such as 'Mom, after we get you cleaned up, hair done, et al, then we will both have an ice cream cone. That does sound wonderful! I can't wait for MY ice cream cone. I am going to have strawberry.' Emphasize the result. Make it a grandiose plan.
Caring for an alzheimer/dementia patient is a dictatorship not a democracy.
My mother wears fleece pajama pants and a pullover crew neck shirt every day.
I change her clothes daily and her diaper probably 2-3 times a day, depending on her level of incontinence - all when she is on the toilet and her pants are already pulled down.
Sometimes she will grasp her diaper and clothes and try to stop me from pulling them down over her feet but I do it anyway.
When changing her shirt, I just pull it over her head and off her arms. Once I get a clean shirt over her head, she will push her arms through.
As far as the anger goes - you can't control someone's anger. You're caring for your mother and can't allow her emotional responses to be a detriment to her own good.
One thing that I learned was do not call it diapers call them pull ups, with that I got a lot less resistance from my father. Showers are a struggle he goes months at a time without it, refuses help from CNA, ended up in hospital with a shower fall (he was trying to take a shower by himself). The shower thing is so bad now he has several skin challenges that we are dealing with including on his genitals. It got so bad his PP PT ended up giving him a shower herself. LOL
It seems shower is a struggle we all have to deal with, unfortunately.
the change of clothing we point out stains / spills we “accidentally” make on them and say let’s change clothes so we can be clean for the family during “activity, lunch, dinner, Dr, etc” and we want to bet fresh and clean for them. I carry chalk with me and gave them to the CNAs as well. So far it works
To be honest, a shower can be "scary" to many seniors, especially if being rinsed off from the top of the head. The changing temperature can be startling.
See if you can catch the funny ( to me anyway) commercial with the mom and daughter and grandchild where mom says to her daughter " Face it you're a leaker, now"(?)) Then shows the daughter her leak proof underwear.
Some great answers and ideas here. I don’t have that but just want to say that I don’t plan on spending my last days as a burden to my family. I think that we are living longer and that’s not necessarily a good thing. I’m looking at the quality of life and what I have to contribute to my community and my family. Prior to reaching a point where I am unable to care for myself I hope to, be lucid enough to make the decision to go off any medication. I’m currently on that prolong my life. I’m currently on blood pressure medication and cholesterol along with a lifelong prescription of antidepressants when I reach that age I will also stop getting any vaccines or preventative care even antibiotics to treat myself. I will want to go naturally on my own terms, leaving my adult children to lead their lives. But that’s just me.
First thing is to step away for a moment to let the anger pass. The more you try to change it, the more she'll resist because the anger is there.
Step away. Have another calm discussion about something totally different...like would you like something to drink, etc. Wait a bit and start over with the discussion about changing
Have you considered using a warm water bidet attachment? Perhaps if his privates can be washed down while he’s already on the toilet it might be easier? Starting there at least assures some level of cleanliness. A quick wash cloth clean up from there might work. As someone suggested once a person is sitting on a toilet it’s easy to change pants.
I know my mom hated showering because she was always cold. I made sure to close the bathroom door, turn up the heat and get the shower warmed. Called it a spa day where I had warm towels and robe waiting for her. I used a shower chair so she didn’t have to stand (hand held shower wand) and washed her hair with her head back like a salon so she didn’t feel like she was drowning.
Eventually though, it was sponge baths and dry shampoo as her illness progressed.
A full on shower is an American standard of cleanliness but there are other ways to get someone hygienically clean.
This is just fyi! (caregiver is in the hospital, my brother and hubby and I are tag teaming) After bathing on her own this am, 91 yo mom with mild-mod ALZ put back on “her outfit” that she’s been wearing since Tuesday - I said “ just so you know, I think that you’ve been in that outfit for 6 days now-“ and she got snippy - and said she washed it out it the tub ( unlikely but it didn’t smell so who knows) So - i calmly said there’s no need to get snippy, I’m just giving you information. Then changed the subject. Later I the day I laid out 2 outfits for her to choose from tomorrow. fingers crossed. Picking my battles… PS we soent the day coloring and at one point she asked how my son felt about being adopted … he’s not. ALZ sucks
Try some tricks..
Don't ask "Do you want to change clothes?"
Say "It's time to freshen up."
Avoid mention of boring tasks, avoid explaining with logic, avoid increasing her embaressment or shame.
"Come with me" as you lead into the bathroom. (Half the battle done). "While we are here may as well..."
If she is someone who likes to keep control, try flipping the question to get the answer you want.
eg Do you want to feel fresh & clean?
You might get a yes.. (with some luck).
Do you want to wash, shower, change clothes, change more likely to get a No.
So, in a nice calm voice you say something like "OK mom it's time to change your pullup". Does she help pick out her clothes? If so, offer her 2 options. Would you prefer blue pajamas or red pajamas? If she has a hard time deciding, I say things like "I think the blue ones would be good" and hope she goes along with it.
If your mom is angry, why is she angry? Because you want her to change? If so, give it a bit of time where she might have forgotten or at least calmed down.
Good luck!
My DD is an RN and says you need to make them feel they made the decision if you get a no answer. "Mom, don't you think you would feel much better if you had a nice shower and clean clothes" You may get a yes. Or Mom, "you really don't want to sit in those messy panties so lets change them" hopefully u get an OK.
My mother wears fleece pajama pants and a pullover crew neck shirt every day.
I change her clothes daily and her diaper probably 2-3 times a day, depending on her level of incontinence - all when she is on the toilet and her pants are already pulled down.
Sometimes she will grasp her diaper and clothes and try to stop me from pulling them down over her feet but I do it anyway.
When changing her shirt, I just pull it over her head and off her arms. Once I get a clean shirt over her head, she will push her arms through.
As far as the anger goes - you can't control someone's anger. You're caring for your mother and can't allow her emotional responses to be a detriment to her own good.
You are right and it's the only way. Caregiving for dementia is a dictatorship and not a democracy. Too true.
It seems shower is a struggle we all have to deal with, unfortunately.
the change of clothing we point out stains / spills we “accidentally” make on them and say let’s change clothes so we can be clean for the family during “activity, lunch, dinner, Dr, etc” and we want to bet fresh and clean for them. I carry chalk with me and gave them to the CNAs as well. So far it works
Best of luck and sanity to all of us
One of the few commercials I don't tire of.
Step away. Have another calm discussion about something totally different...like would you like something to drink, etc. Wait a bit and start over with the discussion about changing
I know my mom hated showering because she was always cold. I made sure to close the bathroom door, turn up the heat and get the shower warmed. Called it a spa day where I had warm towels and robe waiting for her. I used a shower chair so she didn’t have to stand (hand held shower wand) and washed her hair with her head back like a salon so she didn’t feel like she was drowning.
Eventually though, it was sponge baths and dry shampoo as her illness progressed.
A full on shower is an American standard of cleanliness but there are other ways to get someone hygienically clean.
After bathing on her own this am, 91 yo mom with mild-mod ALZ put back on “her outfit” that she’s been wearing since Tuesday - I said “ just so you know, I think that you’ve been in that outfit for 6 days now-“
and she got snippy - and said she washed it out it the tub ( unlikely but it didn’t smell so who knows) So - i calmly said there’s no need to get snippy, I’m just giving you information. Then changed the subject. Later I the day I laid out 2 outfits for her to choose from tomorrow.
fingers crossed. Picking my battles…
PS we soent the day coloring and at one point she asked how my son felt about being adopted … he’s not. ALZ sucks