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I am 60 Mom is 85. Both of my other siblings died last August. I left my job and asked my fiance to give me a couple months to get this taken care of so Mom will be okay. Its now June. I'm stuck. I mean really stuck. Mom refuses to allow anyone in the house. She is not able to get herself to the bathroom or make meals. If I leave she will be alone, if I stay I will continue to resent her and the fact that I no longer have my own stability at my age. She even refuses to take a bath. Before my brothers both died they told me she hasn't been in the bath for a shower for over a year. She hasn't left the house in 7 years. The last time she was outside was over 5 years ago. Mom lives in Illinois and my home and my family is in Wisconsin. So what can I do without hurting Mom's health or me ending up charged with something?

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Unfortunately your mother has the right to refuse care and treatment (Tx) if she is competent. Is there POA's for your mother's medical and financial? If so, are you on them to make decisions? Does your mother have money to hire in home care?

Answering these questions will help us to help you.
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If your mother has a sound mind, and that’s a pretty low bar in legal terms, she’s free to make her own decisions, even the ones that don’t seem to make sense like not bathing. If she has dementia or significant enough mental illness that she’d be found incompetent then you can be made her guardian and be responsible for her care, or making decisions concerning it. Do you think she’s competent? If so, then please leave and let her figure it out. It’s not on you to get her to the bathroom or make her meals for the rest of her life just because she doesn’t want the help of others. Are there any legal documents in place that could be of help to you? I don’t see you being charged with anything in any case
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Thats why I am hoping for help. Mom is fine cognitively. I am the POA. I'm all that's left of the family. Mom barley gets by financially. She refuses to give up her house. If she did that she could use that money to get 24 hour care in a good place. I dont want to leave her she can not function. Thus me being stuck.
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Daughterof1930 Jun 2020
If she refuses to leave and refuses anyone to come in and help, then what help are you hoping to get? The only way in a situation like this to get yourself unstuck is to leave her there alone to see for herself that she requires help. If you’re not willing to do this, which is for the good of you both, then you both are indeed stuck. I hope you’ll make the brave choice to change things, the power is with you
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Leave her alone and go back to your family. You cant help someone who wont help themselves.
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You are in a real bind and from what you wrote it sounds like you think she is mentally sound. It is hard to understand how someone mentally sound can choose to live that way but I suppose it happens. If she is competent and won’t cooperate, I think you need to put yourself first and walk away. It is hard to imagine doing but you are not responsible for her and she has the right to make her own bad decisions. You said you have POA but are you financial or medical or both? Perhaps you can call your local Area Agency on Aging and get some advice. You might need a social worker to help you.

Please do take care of you. A loving, healthy, mentally sound mother wouldn’t expect her daughter to give up her own life indefinitely like you have. It isn’t right.
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A couple of things you could do to ensure mom's safety. Firstly you could set her up with the medical emergency alarm that when the button is pushed an ambulance would be dispatched to her home. You may want to consider hiring a part time caregiver who could check on her however many days you feel comfortable with. If she doesn't allow strangers in the her home, you may have to set firm boundaries for her. Catholic Charities is a great resource where she could have supervision at an affordable fee. With the current Covid 19 virus, you could arrange to have her meals prepared and mailed to her home. Freshly is one that is doing this. Is she able to safely move about on her own and can she be trusted to use a microwave, etc.? Is there a trusted neighbor who could get her mail and look in on her on occasion? This all can be done safely and not overwhelmingly expensive. Does she still drive? I think you should be able to return home if you have trusted people you feel comfortable with. As a last resort you could install cameras throughout the house and check on her often. If i were in your shoes i would try to establish a trusted set of people to handle some of these concerns. My mother is 95 and has mild dementia. I am so thankful i did not place her in a facility due to recent deaths of nursing home patients and staff who have passed away from the Coronavirus. Not a good time to place a loved one in a home until a vaccine is found. Do you have a daughter/grandchild who could live in with her? So many things to think about. God bless you and i hope you find a working solution that will set your mind at ease.
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Frances73 Jun 2020
You do realize that anyone who moves in to cre for her will have to completely cut her/himself off from the world? Living with a vulnerable elderly person means you too have to keep completely sequestered.
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Call your mother's local Area Agency on Aging and outline her situation to them. They will be able to point you in the right direction to find help for her, and advice as to your legal responsibilities (which are nil if she is of sound mind, though that seems to be a moot point).

What prevents your mother from getting to the bathroom and from preparing meals? - other than her unwillingness to do so, combined with your doing these things for her, I mean.

I'm very sorry to read of your family's losses. Do you mind my asking what happened to your brothers? And again, do you mind my asking what changed seven years ago that might have made your mother reluctant to leave her home?
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My MIL was similar. She fell and broke a hip, and that was what allowed us to finally get her into an assisted living situation. We took pictures and videos of the house, and the doctors agreed she could not go home and care for herself. It took my husband 6 weeks, full time, to sort thru the majority of the stuff, and then it took the pros another 2-4 weeks to finish sorting, have an estate sale, and put the house on the market.
One other thing we did, as we're in TX and she's in NJ, was to hire a geriatric case manager. She visited MIL a few times in the hospital and built a rapport. She also helped her 'make the decision on her own' that she couldn't go home again. She also helped her 'decide she didn't need to drive anymore' on her own. I say those tongue in cheek :-) She was very skilled, we got the decision we needed, and MIL retained the facade of control. Worth every penny.
Long answer, but occasionally you have to let nature run it's course, and live your life. It's hard to watch (we'd been asking her for 10 years to move), but....
Also, like someone else suggested, call the Agency on Aging. If she's not good at driving, report her to the DMV. You have to do what you need to do so you can sleep, but you also need to live your life. Good luck!
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Frances73 Jun 2020
It’s important to the elderly to feel they have some control in the decision making.
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She has dementia. She’s not going to be able to do anything to help herself. She can’t live alone. I’d concentrate on getting house ready for sale. & look for assisted living facility near you. Also see Elder law Atty. Until that happens, in the meanwhile, get an Aide in to house, despite her not wanting anyone. She needs bed baths if she can’t walk. Tell her Aide is there to help you. It’s going to take longer than a couple of months. Hugs 🤗
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Doug4321 Jun 2020
You're probably right about the dementia, CaregiverL, but who would pay for the aide? I think this is the difficult problem when the person, or the disabled person's cognizant spouse (for example, they are not caring for the disabled person properly) obviously need an aide but won't pay for it (assuming they have the resources). Other family members (children) who are trying to help are then left to pay.
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LauraLe,
You say in post below that your mom is fine cognitively.......I'm wondering what that is based upon. When a person is refusing to bathe for months, not able to get herself food and basic hygiene and resists care......that's very concerning. I'd consult with an attorney to get information about your rights and obligations as her POA and family member. It sounds very concerning. With information about your rights, you can determine if you have the legal authority to act to protect her. Or if you choose not to, who can step in for her own protection.
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Thank you all for your help. Mom refuses to allow anyone in. My children are the only other relatives. They all luve at least 200 miles away as I do also. Ill try to reach out to the local agency to see what they may sugest.
Moms doc said she passes all cognition test and she has the right to make bad choices like not bathing. She is not walking anymore its too hard with her COPD. No oxygen is used but it makes her very week. I push her in a wheel chair. She can not self propell she doesnt have the strength. Im just at a loss. I need to go back to my life and family and she wants to stay in her home. Im as stuborn as her it breaks my heart.
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Countrymouse Jun 2020
Your mother absolutely does have the right to make bad choices. I am the last person who would argue with the doctor on that point.

Does the doctor have any comment to make on the likely mental health of someone who hasn't stepped outside her house for seven years, or does he think that's a lifestyle choice too?
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In answer to the response Mom's doc has her on meds. He is aware of her fear of leabing her home. She will be a little deceptive about her actual health. I have called him but he has said she is her own person. I really appreciate all this help. I do not live in the same state so Im at a loss here. Laws in each state are so different.
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I'm confused - are you currently living in your mother's home in Illinois having been there for nine months, or are you trying to manage her situation from Wisconsin?
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A thought - what about exploring room and board for free for a licensed certified private duty aide who would be willing to test for Covid 19 to assist (even as a companion to get her first used to care) while you explore options? Meanwhile, a geriatric care manager idea is a good one and they could assist in all aspects - accessing cognitive testing, a psych consult, care planning in the current situation, and creating a plan including options. You may need to just hire a geriatric care manager to evaluate and present options including helping you sit together with mom to present “options”.
if she truly has options, present them as that together inclusive of your need to return to your life. Some Assisted Living are more homelike than others, some allow rental so she is not all in with commitment and have a continuum of care options for if/when she needs more care. Note - there are differences in services and regulatory agencies depending oN whether IL, AL, continuum of care, life care etc. Some have rentals, some entrance fees (very expensive) with health care packages attached so you are not really buying the real estate but her apartment based on what/where she needs to be placed and all the attendant needs. Tricky stuff re: what, if anything, is covered since Medicare doesn’t cover custodial, and places with assessed leveled care needs medically and financially are very expensive without and with long term care insurance which you didn’t mention so probably don’t have and wouldn’t:couldn’t be an option to buy now.
You could explore respite options if you do a rental which is kinda like a trial run and can be presented as such but her buying into accepting/liking a new set up would entail likely a lot of visitation from you in the transition and you have Covid concerns to think about and facility precautions such as internal refs/safety precautions and visitation policies.
Truthfully, I would strongly consider a geriatric case manage to service to help manage all of this. Lastly POA and get competency status are not the same. Adult Protective Services may be an option but preserving your relationship is a factor for you both. Get help with this. Also JASA helps adult children of seniors depending on your state re availability. It is non-sectarian despite name and catholic charities. Google also department of aging for services. Tough situation. Be well and take care of you
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I think boehemic’s response was truly reminiscent/a framework for you to consider. Also, try on line chat rooms for Alzheimer’s Assoc whether she has actual diagnosis or not. Lots of expert caregivers who have/are living it - the it being lots of similar factors/challenges. Best of luck
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Also check echo show device for lots of useful options
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I don't think she will be accepted into an assisted living facility using a wheelchair. All the ones we visited said they must be able to walk. Then if they needed a wheel chair in the future it was ok. But that was in NJ.
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What an awful situation for you! What do you think after reading the responses here?
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LauraLe Jun 2020
All the replys havebeen very helpful. Thank you
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Thank you everyone for all your help. Great ideas. Ill be calling today to move forward.
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Keep us updated, LauraLe!
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You need to stop enabling her to be the boss of your life here. tell her she either hires someone or goes to a facility. Stop the madness and sadness.
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disgustedtoo Jun 2020
It isn't that simple dear. Even if her mother had dementia, which at this point isn't for certain, you can't force ANYone to do something they don't agree to, such as move or bring someone in, even with POA. Our mother has dementia and was refusing to consider any kind of move. Our EC attorney told us we couldn't force her to move. POA was in place several years before any dementia. Before considering a move, we started with aide visit, 1 hr/day, as a sanity check and med check. She was still able to get around BTW. The plan was to get her used to this and increase time and duties as needed. That lasted less than 2 months and she refused to let them in. They even sent their "expert" to talk with mom... That woman is lucky mom couldn't pick her up and throw her out! The next plan was the move, but we had to come up with a plausible fib to make it happen (YB did that), as we could not make her move. If this woman doesn't have any kind of dementia diagnosed, it would be even harder to make her move.

I agree this falls under enabling, however, how does one just walk away from someone who can't walk, can't propel themselves, doesn't go out (groceries anyone?) and just state c'est la vie? I think OP has some possible avenues to explore, such as SW, Aging council, geriatric manager, EC attorney, etc., but these will all take time and may be dead ends.

Somehow this doc isn't getting the whole picture. Even if she passes the cognitive testing, is he not aware of her inability to walk, toilet, get out for supplies, etc? Bad choices is one thing, inability to care for oneself is a whole different issue!
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I work in home health and see this type of thing ALL THE TIME. So, what are you to do Bottom lines are this... YOU cannot keep doing this nor expected to. Your mom can't make rational decisions. AGAIN... She is NOT going to be reasonable. Not able to so... you have to make decisions. Many people out there with dementia and not diagnosed and can't get them to a doctor because they won't go. You can't make them go so what to do? SHE NEEDS TO BE IN A FACILITY... NURSING HOME. She is "too far gone" mentally for assisted living. I say facility because she will not cooperate with someone coming into her home and we cannot force someone to do what they do NOT want to do. I have worked for home health care agencies for 25+ years now. Again, you mom tells me she does not want a bath... she does NOT get a bath. In a facility, there are more than one person working with the patients unlike in the home which has ONLY one aide trying to get them to do something.... anything.. They fight us all the time... literally.. I have been hit.. ran into with wheel chairs.. motorized chairs and again.. there is ONLY one aide in there trying to do the care and it is impossible to take care of these patients like they really need to be taken care of.... they refuse the bathing, the brushing the teeth, changing clothes and diapers...Now.. in a nursing home... they give them a bath whether they like it or not. They have 2 people taking care of them much of the time. This is what is needed---Not one aide left alone with dementia people who are at the point of where your mom is. I refuse to go into a home like this any more. They should be in a facility. Not all dementia patients are like this but many are and they will not cooperate with us in their care. AND SHE WANTS TO STAY IN HER HOME. And these home health agencies advertisements say this all the time. Yeah... but she is NOT at the place mentally and physically where she can take care of herself in her home so... THAT is not possible any longer. As long as you cannot take care of yourself... then it has become impossible for you to stay in your home. You must live somewhere else where you get assistance and THAT is NOT at your home. AGAIN... when you can't do for yourself... when you can't bathe yourself... go to the bathroom by yourself... do the ADL's by yourself then you have reached that point that your REQUIRE help from outside sources. When that happens, you have to go into a facility. No choice. Children have a responsibility to help their parents BUT.. not be bullied by their parents and do EVERYTHING their parents require. I said "require"... not "want." There is a difference. GOD bless you. Do not allow her to make you feel guilty. This is HER Life. She is making those choices to NOT bathe, etc. And then you have to do the best you can with the choices SHE has made. I hope you get back to your family very very very very soon.
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disgustedtoo Jun 2020
First of all, you are giving mixed messages:

"...we cannot force someone to do what they do NOT want to do."

"When that happens, you have to go into a facility. No choice."

If her mother doesn't want aides or to move to a facility, would that not result in "forcing" her to do what she doesn't want to do?

I do agree with that first quote - we ran into this and were told explicitly by the EC atty that we could not force mom to move (she wouldn't let the aides in after a few weeks and refused to consider moving.) He suggested guardianship, but the facility we chose wouldn't accept committals - we had to punt and come up with a plausible fib (she does have dementia - not 100% certain about OP's mom, but in either case, you can't force this move.)

Although we have mom in AL/MC, not a NH, I would think the NH would have the same "rules" regarding force. Staff told me that they are NOT allowed to force ANY resident to do something they don't want to do. What they do instead is coax the person, sometimes getting compliance (meds would be most important, bathing *could* wait, medical treatment also would be important.)
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Elderwerks is an organization that might help. I have been to several seminars where they have presented and the advice is always good. It is a free (let me say that again FREE) service for consultations. Elderwerks.org it is a 501(c)(3) Not for Profit Corp. (1-855-462-0100. They are based in the Northwest Suburbs of Illinois and they do have contacts in the Midwest.
This is not an advertisement for them I just like and trust the people from this organization that I have dealt with.

That aside, if your mom has not been diagnosed with dementia you are in for a tough time trying to "make" her move, accept help or other service she does not want. You could try going the route of trying to get a doctor to say she can not manage on her own and you can try to obtain Guardianship. But judges so not like to take a persons rights away from them, so it might be difficult. And depending on where in Illinois it could get expensive (Cook County particularly, the only court to do this is Downtown.)
If she has not been declared incompetent and she is left on her own you can not be charged with neglect or abuse.
You could also contact a local Senior Center or Illinois Area on Aging and see what help or services they might have.
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disgustedtoo Jun 2020
Since even with dementia and POA, I was going to suggest guardianship. I have read that judges try to maintain a person's independence, but in this case, clearly this woman can't care for herself. She can't walk, can't propel the wheelchair, hasn't been out of the house in 5-7 years - how does she get and prepare food? She clearly is NOT independent. This is beyond just bad choices.

Guardianship isn't cheap, but it may be one option, one of the more viable ones. Yes, mom will be angry, but she will also be safer and cared for. It is possible to let the state assume guardianship, but OP needs to know that she will have no say in where mom is placed and any/all assets (house) and income would be taken over by the state/guardian, for mom's care.

Since they generally hire not only an atty to represent the person but also doctor(s) to assess the person, it should be plainly obvious that this woman can't possibly care for herself. IF she could get around by herself, get out and shop, prepare meals, etc, but lived in a hoarded out pig-sty and refused to bathe, then certainly the judge might say she's every right to live like that. This woman doesn't meet any kind of live alone, perform ADLs, dementia or not!

OP - do explore the guardianship route. POA is never going to assist you in placing your mother, but guardianship can. You'll have to find a good EC atty to consult with (many offer a first initial consult for free - draw up all questions and find one locally using zip code at naela.org)
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So what if there is an emergency at home (your home) and you need to go there right away? I mean beside your employment, engagement etc... Honestly it doesn’t even need to be explained you could just say there is an emergency and I need to get home ASAP, do you want me set up someone to come in, shop for you and help you out or do you feel you can take care of things without help?

Obviously your mom needs help, dementia or not she is probably depressed with the loss of 2 sons less than a year ago at the very least but it sounds like her issues were in full swing prior to their death as well. I can only speculate that if one or both brothers lived more local to mom and were the ones around physically on a more daily/weekly basis she has some deep fear of loosing her only daughter and living child as well so she’s not even close to behaving rationally. Have you always had POA & MPOA or were you given that after the passing of a brother who had it? Have you taken over the banking and bills, if not maybe do this gently by suggesting and setting up on line banking with her prior to having a home emergency.

Prior to COVID did she leave the house for doctors appointments or is she actually not able to bring herself to step outside at all? My mom for instance prefers being a hermit and not going out, she has always been a bit that way and now is embarrassed and frustrated by her speech issues. She does however look forward to going grocery shopping and when we get her out with family or to doctor appointments she Lies the human interaction and always enjoys herself. But the inability, emotionally which can become physically to step outside at all is a whole different problem and I’m wondering how her doctor is assessing her cognitive ability COPD and other medical issues without actual face to face physical exams. On that note if her COPD is keeping her from being able to walk she probably should be on oxygen and if it has actually been assessed by a doctor as not being to the stage of needing O2 then she is probably doing more harm than good by staying in a wheelchair full time. Again if it’s her breathing that’s actually preventing her from mobility I would think she would be on meds, maybe an inhaler for her COPD to keep her able to walk and get some exercise. Depression may very well be playing a part here as well and of course it’s keeping you there wether she knows thats what she’s doing or not. The more helpless she is the more help you feel you need to provide but that functional help doesn’t need to come from you it’s just comfortable for her and what we really need isn’t always the most comfortable for us at first.

Once you have some of these ducks in order, the ones you are able to get in order you can see what your left with for options. If you have a DPOA or equivalent (varies by state) and meet the peramiters for invoking it (meaning you can make decisions for her benefit even if it isn’t what she wants) then you can force her hand if you choose, doesn’t mean she will cooperate but she doesn’t have to, last resort IMHO. If not and yours is a straight POA and her doctor isn’t on record that she has cognitive impairment you really have no choice but to let her make bad decisions. This does NOT mean you are responsible for them even knowing she will likely harm herself, in fact enabling her may be hurting her more than helping her live. I’m not suggesting just walking out leaving her to her own devices, I’m suggesting you set up all the things you can to help from home with visits and virtual visits, have things she refuses now ready to go, let her decide what help to accept and if it takes a trip to the ER to get her the help she needs, that’s her decision not your fault, you will still be there you aren’t abandoning her but she probably needs some skilled professional help with her emotional state right now. There are geriatric psychiatric or grief counselors, social workers who might be able to help virtually too.
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LauraLe Jun 2020
Just a quick note. Thank you for all you have said. Mom will not go outside due to anxiety and fears. I appreciate you mentioning the loss of my brothers. That made me realuze tgat it may be not so much control but fear. Ill talk to her about that. Thank you again. I am her POA and have been for a long time. Im on the house already so that piece is in place as well.
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She needs to be in some sort of care facility...
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Your mother needs to be in a nursing facility and you need to go home. She won't like it, but she no longer has a choice. You will have to accept her anger at you. Don't continue your current situation just to avoid that anger.
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I am in a similar situation. As long as social services, police, medical personnel deem person “mentally competent “ , there is no way to force such a person into supervised care (I.e. nursing home).

An attempt to force involuntary conservator will not only be expensive but put the financial liabilities onto the person suing for this.

Yes, to all those saying put her in a home and get on with your life. BUT it is not that easy.
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Unless a person has been declared incompetent you can not "force" someone into a facility.
You can not "force" a person to see a doctor, take medication, bathe or do anything against their will. Only after a doctor has certified that this person can not make rational decisions and a judge has declared them incompetent can you admit someone to a facility. This is why it often takes what I call a catastrophic event to put things in motion that will force a change in dynamics.
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disgustedtoo Jun 2020
NOTE: Just having POAs is insufficient. Many will advise to get these in place (OP already has POA), but what they don't understand is that even with dementia, POA does NOT give you the authority to tell them what to do, when to do it or dictate where they will live! We could not do guardianship, which is what the EC atty suggested, after telling us we couldn't force mom to move) as the facility we chose wouldn't take committals (guardianships.)

It can be expensive and time consuming, but this is a case where this may be the only option. Despite comment elsewhere about judges wanting to maintain a person's independence, this woman is most clearly NOT independent. Can't talk, can't propel wheelchair, doesn't get out - how does she get food and who prepares meals if OP isn't there and she won't let aides in? She is in no way independent. Bad choices may be blowing through all finances, not bathing, hoarding, not cleaning the home, etc. This is a case that I think will require guardianship. Any doctor exam ordered by the judge is going to see this woman is NOT independent, not even a smidge!
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You are not a caregiver..you do because you have to. Yes you will end up abusing her. She is already emotionally abusing you. Being Stuck=Stress..it will break you down and goes from your heart to your brain.
If she voluntarilly goes into a facility she will most likely check herself out. Get your name as co owner of house and be sure it is "either or" so when she is gone you can sell it or keep it. If she does not have any money or has to spend down for medicade get into the nursing plan "return home" or they will consider it a resourse. Shop for attny. fee or look for one to "volunteer" what is needed (you can consult).
When I read your narative it looks like you are able to make this break and take care of youself. Do not let your mother get you into a "victum" mode. When you get focused on your needs you can get her placed after you get "ownership" of house and your legal needs to "place her".
If your fiance is not with you...let him go, he is not worth it. You must be the one who " loves Yoursel"first.
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Having read all the comments and posted some replies, I wanted to make one last post. Some of the suggestions might be useful, however unless your mom "sees the light", I don't see anything changing her mindset. She's been home-bound and in this mode too long now. Dementia or not, this isn't just a case of "bad choices." It is very clear from your replies that she is NOT independent and will not be able to care for herself in any way if you were to leave (as suggested by others, which I would not recommend!)

Unfortunate as it is, POAs are not documents that allow you to force someone to do something they don't want to do, including bringing in aides or moving. Some people think they are, and it is their big push, but they are not intended to cover this - they only allow you certain capabilities. Our mother developed dementia. In the early stages, I started 1 hr aide visit, just to check on her and her meds (timed/locked dispenser.) The plan was to keep her in her own place as long as possible, increasing aide time and duties as needed. She was still mobile, could do minimal cleaning, and could prepare simple meals (frozen dinners, boxes items, etc.), but we took the car away and she relied mostly on me for shopping. After a few weeks, she refused to let the aides in. Plan B was to move her, but she wanted nothing to do with that. EC atty told us we could NOT force her to move and suggested guardianship. The facility we chose wouldn't accept committals, so we had to fib our way into the move. The point here is that your POAs will not be sufficient to make any changes, either getting aides in or moving her.

Several suggestions have been made, and it can't hurt to explore those - perhaps they can help. If they do, great. If not, I think your only real option is guardianship. It isn't cheap (should come from mom's assets - explore that with EC atty consult.) It won't be pleasant, with her anyway, but the end result would be allowing you to ensure she is in a safe place and is cared for, and allowing you to resume some "normal" life. She may be angry with you for doing this, but given that she really isn't independent, she can't be left alone and you shouldn't have to give up everything to ensure she is cared for.

Others mentioned judges prefer to allow people to maintain some kind of independence. I have read this. To me that would be someone who can get around without help from another person, can prepare meals, get out to shop or order supplies to be delivered. Bad choices would be more like refusing to bathe, clean the house, hoard things, etc. One can still be "independent" while keeping those bad choices. Your mother can't ambulate, can't propel herself, doesn't go out, most likely doesn't prepare meals, so what, if anything, is independent about her life?

Judges will order doctor(s) to examine a person. It should be apparent to any doc with a few brain cells that your mother is NOT independent. I don't think you would have any trouble getting guardianship. The question then becomes do you want to be her guardian? This does NOT mean you have to live with her or her with you! You can also let the state become the guardian, but if you do, you will have no say in where she lives or what becomes of her assets.

While or after exploring the other suggestions, use her zip code to find several EC attys who offer free initial consults at this web site:

www.naela.org (National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys)

Draft all questions and concerns before any consult (may have to be done by phone for now due to virus.) Include Qs about cost and how they can be covered if your mother is low income/little or no assets. If approached as an emergency situation, they may be able to temp place while they go through the process. As the EC atty about that too!
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