I am 58 y/o married woman with 2 adult sons & 5 Grandkids. I have been a nurse for 38 years. I must be 59 1/2 to retire. My Grandmother is 104 years old and living at her home. She had three children, 2 daughters and a son, and we have been sharing caregiving responsibilities for 5 1/2 years. Her older daughter is 82 and drives an hour away to stay for 72 hours. (I am my aunt’s medical POA, too). My mom is 76 and just had hip replacement surgery (which she put off for far too long). Her son only stays about 10 hours a week, split up over 2 days. I work 40 hours M-F (and usually overtime). I usually stay 24 hours every weekend. Her two daughters have asked me to stay all weekend, every weekend, but I said no. I need some time with my husband and to rest. My mom knew in advance that she would be having surgery but made no attempt to find help as everyone just expects me to do it. Well, I made it 3 nights, 2 days, got sick & tested positive for COVID. I’m praying my grandmother doesn’t get it. I spent an entire day calling for help to be sure my grandmother was taken care of so I could isolate from her. I wanted to ask her son’s grandkids who are nurses to help, but my uncle said “No, they’re too busy because they work.” Hello! I work full time too! And I’m currently expected to care for his mother 75 hours a week! I was only asking for few hours of their time. I texted them anyway, but they weren’t available. My son worked a midnight shift 2 1/2 hours away & drove home, then drove his daughter to a Dr. appt. an hour away and was still willing to help a few hours as we were in crisis mode. My uncle also likes to remind me that he needs time to go on vacations with his wife & spend time with his Grandkids and Great Grandkids. Well, I’m missing out on my grandkids' lives. I can feel my relationship with my husband suffering. My Grandma’s farm & home are still in her name, so we can’t get government funded help. I was lucky that a neighbor who is also an LPN & works at the hospital with me, agreed to stay 12 hours overnight while I was sick. I paid her $15.00 an hour to do so. Mom said she will pay me back. My mom keeps telling me she feels bad that I must cover so many hours for her, but I think she should have arranged some extra paid help before her surgery rolled around. Instead, I feel like everything to do with Grandma’s care is left up to me. I used to pay for Life Alert myself when Grandma started needing it. She has 24-hour care now & it’s been stopped. My mom had her other hip replaced a few years ago & I had to take an unexpected vacation at work because her son went on vacation & her older daughter went to stay with her daughter-in-law who had only a minor surgery. I told my uncle that he should send me for a week’s stay in his timeshare since I had to take vacation so he could go on a vacation, but that never happened. Also, her son, his wife & kids are resentful because he wanted her to sign over the farm to him years ago, but she didn’t want to. (I think my mother is to blame for that). She wants everything divided equally. She has a farm of her own with my dad, & their sister doesn’t want it. Most of us live all around Grandma’s farm & it is “Home.” I’ve been trying to convince my parents to put their farm in my brother’s name, so we don’t have this problem when they need help, but they say no. Now, my husband wants to sell our house and move after Grandma passes. I know I’ll grieve for our home. We spent 10 years building it ourselves. So much blood, sweat, tears & sacrifice. But I can see his point. He’s been picking up the slack at home cause I’m not there or I’m too exhausted to do it. Does anyone else out there identify with my situation? My health is also being affected by the stress. I’m taking 3 blood pressure meds and recently had a scare with my heart. My EKG said I had a heart attack, but the cardiologist doesn’t think I did.
Your dh sounds like he’s scared that if you two don’t leave, he will have his medically fragile wife attempting to care for the next elder in line until you’re about 80. Could you say no to your parents, uncle, whomever if you remained where you are? If not, moving might be the best way out regardless of when this 104 year old dies.
Common sense says Granny needs paid in-house 24/7 care if you won't consider a nursing home, so personally I think that's what you should advocate for instead of trying to get unwilling relatives to do their part. (I mean seriously -- an 82-year-old is expected to care for a 104-year-old?) Since you're the unofficial Lead Caregiver in this group, I elect you to make that announcement and nominate someone else to be treasurer and collect the funds needed to pay for the caregivers if Granny doesn't have the dough herself.
Second, your parents are correct not to put a farm in your brothers' name. If they do that and he sells it, he'll have to pay taxes on the amount between what they paid for it and what it sells for. If he inherits it, his cost basis is what the farm was worth when the last parent dies, and that'll be much less tax in the end.
FILs mother died at 103. Her assets included, in part, a beach house shared by her brother, who passed a year later at 95.
The mom willed her shares to FIL and his older brother, who by virtue of distance, was the one traveling to see her weekly. The other brother got her condo in Hawaii.
Fast forward, we found out that the FIL and his brother had coughed up 50k apiece to buy out a relative of this brother, and that her shares reverted to nonvoting in their corporation. In fact, what happens to the house is now wholly controlled by a 60 yo daughter of this dead brother who will, I’m sure, be approaching them for a measly 150k to buy them out because she won’t liquidate it and give fil, his brother, and herself over a mil, apiece.
FIL and MIL themselves spend 200k a year for their aides, maids and housekeepers. FILs brother moved into I assume a ccrc as his wife had alz. But nope, this 60 yo wants to squeeze them rather than pay out. Side note, I googled her and have never seen such low ratings. She’s a real b, but a tenured one.
One of fIl, his brother, and their wives could clearly make it another five years or even 10, translating into between a million and two million in expenses while this b squeezes them like a vulture capitalist.
Anyway, the point of all this is that whatever they promise you might not be there.
Your mother did what a lot of caregivers do, and didn't give sufficient thought to her own care needs. With all love and respect, you're not really in a position to criticize her for that ((hugs)).
Hence it's all got a bit out of hand.
I had a telephone call from my manager yesterday, which I missed. I thought "oo good, she's ringing to tell me what to do about E's bed calls and social care assessment" so I called her straight back.
"I wanted to know why you're ringing the office and using the computer on your day off," she said. Gulp.
I did try to explain that I had tried to relax during the morning and couldn't until I'd caught up on outstanding admin and followed up on -
She wasn't having it. She has booked "a supervision" (heartsink) to discuss time management and using rest days properly.
And I haven't even reported my chest pains and insomnia.
What would your manager (if she's anything like mine) say to you about your workload?
Your family is under stress and they are not going to prioritize your wellbeing (to be fair, it sounds like they're not taking great care of their own, either). So you have to. Forget seeking their approval or additional support, the only other person whose agreement you need is your husband. Look at your timetable with him and work out new boundaries and a plan you're both comfortable with.
Stop any helping immediately.
And then move away when you retire, as your H wants. Your relatives are a bunch of leaches. Especially your uncle -- he takes fewer hours than anyone, yet wants the farm signed over to him?
Have you been told this by a qualified eldercare attorney is her state?
1). The treatment you are willing to accept from your family is patently unfair, potentially dangerous, perhaps life threatening to you, and ridiculously out of balance?
and -
2). There is NO WAY out of this tangle without irreparable damage to whatever any of you think is your family.
Your grandmother needs to be in the best residential care setting available, you need to decide which relatives are people with whom you care to continue a relationship, and you need to tell the current crew that you’ve put in your time and won’t do this any more.
THE GROUP needs to know that when you walk away, this whole spider web of excuses and selfishness falls apart when you push your way out of it, and that you plan to do, after giving six weeks notice, EXACTLY THAT.
Are you worth saving yourself? Sounds like it to me. If you are, DO IT.
Forget understanding.
Start saying "no, I can't possible do that. You'll have to make other arrangements."
Not easy. But you must. Your life, my friend, depends upon it.
Let's face it, you have no life, and your husband wants to get out of this mess you have placed yourself in. You live in a house, since you are never there it is not a home, you are destroying your family life with your children, grands and most important your husband.
You are waaaay toooo involved in all of this, you do not have to be in control, time to get your priorities in order, set boundaries and enforce them.
Good Luck, this is all up to you, you have taught others how to treat you, straighten this out before it is too late.
Your EKG says there was a heart attack. Could have been very slight but it was a heart attack and I would use that information. Tell everyone you are taking some time for yourself. Tell them you have had heart attack and your job is suffering. You need a break and its up to grandmoms children to pick up the slack. That with working 40plus hours you don't have time for yourself. And you do not spend your money. The farm can be sold for Grandmoms care. Or, a family member buy it. HER children have options.
I see your future, because your a Nurse certain things will expected of you. You need to set boundries now. Your husband is wise and sees the writing on the wall.
My daughter has worked as a LPN/RN for almost 26 years, 20 of them working in Rehab/NH settings. Its great to have an RN in the family. But she has told me not to expect me to be her caregiver. After 20 yrs in NHs, she has had enough with what goes along with caring for someone. And to be honest, I have never thought that either of my girls should have to physically care for me. You may need to think on the lines of my daughter. You deal with the care of people every day, you have a stressful job. Your weekends should be for you to de-pressurize . Time for you and husband to be together. It really isn't fair that Uncle thinks his 82 yr old sister should be caring for her Mom.
You may not have to give up your home if you learn to say No. We all need Boundries in our lives or we get sucked into things we don't want to do. As much as GMa did for you, your husband and your family come first. Don't wreck your marriage for a woman who has lived too long. If Gma is on Medicaid for in home help, she should be able to get Medicaid for LTC.
I have a mantra: I am here to help people find a way, not be the way.
Your health (mental and physical) have to be your #1 priority because without it, you have nothing. Your next priority is your husband....then your children and grandchildren and so on.
Just say NO.
Saying No can be a foreign concept.
'Yes I can help' is a message that many 'good daughters' have taught from birth. Another is never to appear selfish.
Step back. Say no to any new responsibilities and no to any responsibilities that you don't want to do anymore. Give them a separation date the same as if you're quitting a job (because you are: an unpaid job). Then stop showing up. Establish boundaries, and consider seeing a therapist about all of this, if you're comfortable with that. Focus on you, your marriage, and your family.
Your EKG told you what to do, yet your 'Cardiologist' is questioning a test which does not have the ability to lie or to misinterpret information coming from your body.
That EKG was your wake up call, did you hear it? I hope so.
"For now, I plan to continue to pay the neighbor to help when she can & I’m gonna talk to my Uncle about stepping up, or that the three of them must make some decisions."
Why are YOU paying the neighbor for providing care for someone who should be paying for their OWN care?
Why are you 'talking to your Uncle about stepping up' or 'that the three of them must make some decisions' when NONE of them have done ANYTHING to date? Only YOU can make decisions for YOURSELF. Yet you aren't.
Go back to the EKG now, and hear the message it is trying to send you.
Life is short and your life is in danger now.
Forget about what others want from you, and focus on what your body needs from you.
Then get busy making the necessary changes and using the word NO with your entitled family who's been taking serious advantage of you for a very long time now.
Open your eyes wide now and see things for what they are.
Before it's too late and your 104 y/o grandmother outlives you. God forbid.
Personally..I feel your 104 y/o Grandmother should be in a Long Term Care home. She is fortunate to enjoy living so long and have someone as loving as you to look after her..but those arrangements need to be changed. I understand not wanting to move her from familiar surroundings..but this should be seriously considered.
As much as you love your Mom, I agree..she should have thought about finding other arrangements, consulting you for advice, not expecting you to spread yourself so thin. :( You should not feel guilty..helping her make those arrangements for additional help. <3
You are only one person, when there are agencies, long term care homes that come with 'teams' of people to spread those tasks over the course of the day. Having a Power of Attorney shouldn't mean giving up your life.
Stop being part of the 'sandwich' generation and start being the 'main course' ;) You deserve a break and time to enjoy life. You don't love them any less, but you will feel MUCH better when you set boundries for your time.
Take care of yourself..you need to breathe, take control of the situations and move forward in love. :)
They will find an answer. Yes, their noses will be out of joint but you know what, that's all they'll be.
Worst case scenario your health does what it's trending toward and they are FORCED to make a decision while everyone carries on without you. Totally not fair or worth it.
I started out with, "Sorry, no." Then I dropped the, "sorry." Like, in a day I dropped it. Easier than you think.
RosyJean, you are a nurse, a Health Hero - I am guessing very caring & capable 😇
Your family members are like many others, wanting to age in place - sure. But increasing needs can bring (hate to say) a little self-centeredness.
Good boundaries are required to prevent the caregiver being taken advantage of.
Boundaries are the HOW you get others to understand.
They may or may not 'get it' - that their expectations are blowing out. You cannot directly change their thinking. You can, however, change your own...
RosyJean, you are seen to be wearing a nurse hat as your professional role, but also considered the Family Nurse, the Family Fixer, Family Saviour to ANY care needs - that you are superhuman with endless energy, time & funds.
Now I say *everyone* including you too. Coz to be brutally honest, some nurses are happy to wear that hat. Set themselves up to be the responsible, dependable, caring one. They are happy to give, love to feel useful, get a good boost to self-esteem & never want to let other's down. It's not a bad thing really.. but it can get out of control.
I say this from a 'people pleaser' position I found myself in! I had to really look at WHY I was stepping into help others so much while my own life was starting to wilt in neglect ☹️
So before turning to what boundaries to put & how to communicate them, what are your thoughts on how you view yourself?
Do you give yourself permission to now turn towards your own needs?
While you provide all the solutions, family members won't look for alternatives.
Step back.
If nothing else, it will get the attention of the others if they don't want things sold then they need to start putting forth the time, effort and costs required!
As others have said, just say NO. When they ask why not? "Because I said NO" (and say no more) Silence is golden. I wish you luck. Your big heart need boundaries and it's hard to learn them when we've never had them! At 57 I am learning mine.
Moving property to the name of someone else does not protect it... it makes it vulnerable if that person faces bankrupt or is sued.
For the financial issues... for your grandmother, your mother, as well as yourself... find the best elder care attorney you can afford. Can avoid taxes and probate fees if you can avoid probate. Also after the 5 year look back time is behind you (at least in our state) it can help someone qualify for Medicaid if necessary.
I agree with Beatty..."While you provide all the solutions, family members won't look for alternatives."
I think you might need the help of a therapist. There is too many ultra high priority items in your life, too many interruptions and too much drama with side plots. I think you might be losing yourself in your willingness to pick up the pieces so that "the movie can continue to play". I think your marriage and health are suffering as a result.
Recognize that your career as a nurse will make you more vulnerable to family members just expecting you to take over. They are probably not willing to pay nursing wages for the work that you do.
I would get help from a therapist. Your body is telling you that the stress levels are unhealthy.
A little story. Have a friend whose dad is wheelchair-bound but still self-sufficient. Her brother would go over 5 days a week after work to visit with him and help out of bit. He didn't need any real help, he was just bored and lonely. Dad didn't ask for this, brother just started doing it. However, after a while it got to be too much for him. He insisted his sister start to step up and pick up the days he couldn't go. She was already stopping by once a week. She was not happy about him assuming she should pick up because he took on too much. Similar to your situation, you are picking up because your mom can't do it. I told her just because he got himself too involved it did not mean it was her responsibility to pick up where he left off so he could keep up his promise. The end result was that brother died suddenly. We forget to take care of ourselves first.