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My dad left my mom with a lot of money when he passed 10 years ago. She shouldn’t need to do anything to make money. Just to spend wisely. She is now 69 and met a 55 yr old man. The man worked part time at a farm type store when they met. Well he got fired, and he drinks 32 cans of beer and mixed drinks a day. He started flirting with her when he came over to help with home repairs. She stopped going to church, started drinking with him. She pays for his insurance and everything else. He is talking to her about investments with her money. Anyone who speaks up - she says doesn’t like them and she cuts them off from communication. They met 2 months ago and plan to marry in the summer. She won’t hear of a prenup neither. Afraid he will leave her poor and alone. I don’t feel that there is anything I can do. Otherwise I’ll be out of her life too. And at least I’m in it right now. Any advice is welcomed.

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Sorry, you cannot tell Mom how to live. Yes, she is probably making a bad choice, he is probably after her money. Not much you can do if she won't listen. If you are not in the position to support her, tell her that. That if she spends all her money she will be on her own.
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Zhaoermia118 Mar 2019
Your assumptions are only partially correct. If you wanted to help, you would regardless.
If you have my level of understanding, you will not be having any doubts.
That all I will say. It’s not like Gladiator. Taking entire movie scripts and assuming it’s entirety will make you delusional and crazy. Using parts of movie scripts to motivate yourself and create the unchallengeable rationale is what legends are made of.
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There is nothing you can do. Be there and make sure your mom is happy. That is all that matters.

Your parents did did their best to make sure you were happy. Things happen. Get over it. Do your filial duty and whatever you need to keep going. Nobody will even try to stop you, If they do, just PM here and they will be sorry they even thought of it.
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worriedinCali Mar 2019
there is no need to make threats. You aren’t going to make ANYONE on this site sorry. So get thought out of your head right now.
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Hmm. Can you do any kind of a background check on this guy? Can you make a report to any kind of Elder Abuse agency, that your mom may be being financially abused? Seems like there is something you could do to protect her. He sounds like a con man, and is so, he may have left a trail. Your mom could be in actual danger. But don't tell her that until you do your homework in the background. Good luck, and hugs to you and Mom both!
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
I agree, DesertGirl

Don’t show your hand. Keep the poker face because she is trying to observe.
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She's afraid he will leave her poor and alone, is she?

Alas, alas, alas; that is what she is afraid of, and yet she is going *exactly* the right way to make *exactly* that happen. He will spend her money, blame her for his failed investments, and then leave her. She will be about 75 by then, I would guess. 75 and flat broke and broken-hearted. Great.

Well, what can you do. She is excited and in love, after ten years of being alone. She does not want you to burst her bubble. You can understand that, can't you? She is also not going to take it well if you point out that she is being incredibly stupid, but then who would?

Is there any way you can at least put the brakes on a bit? Create more time for reality to dawn on her? Talk her into a bigger happier celebration combined with her seventieth birthday, or any delaying tactic you can lay your hands on.

What do you know for a fact about this man - his history, past relationships, things like that?

There is the faintest possibility - there always is, you never know - that your mother and this man will be one another's fairytale redemption and it will be for the best. It is sadly far more probable that you will be picking up the pieces in a few years' time. How would you feel about just being ready to do that when it happens?
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Minngirl Mar 2019
I’m not sure about your first sentence. I am not alone. I am happily married. My mom was happy, with friends and family and she’s not poor. So I think I covered both ways it could have been intended.
Medically, my mom is in her right state of mind - minus this new man.
This man has many DUI, divorce, bankruptcy, he can’t hold a job, drinks all the time, oh and he is also in a 5 yr relationship with another woman his age. My mom can’t see that he and the woman are still in a relationship. He leaves her house at 1am (drunk) and returns about 12-1pm. His other lady travels a lot as well.
Her sister (the person she is the closest too) asked her to consider slowing down. She replied- you don’t like him and you never have. And started screaming at her. And said things a teen would say. Like I hate you- I never want to see you again.
im actually debating if he is drugging her.
I am at a true loss. I’m concerned if I speak up, I will be the last to be exiled from her life At least this way I can observe. Yesterday she bought him a new car. He pulled up to the house squealing his tires and it. He doesn’t work. So she bought it. He lives in a 5th wheel.
if he leaves her like that- if couse I will be there. I sincerely love her. She has medical problems and I won’t be able to cover weekly shots of 1k and her health ins though. And the other luxuries she is accustomed to.
I really need help.
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I don't know if this will help but google him. Sometimes just doing a simple search on someone can give you informtion, also you can try his name in with google dashbroad. All you do is type his name and google dashbroad. Example, Joe Smith google dashbroad in the Google search box. One more thing search your state prison and jail records. Remember everything about us can be found online. Even the white pages online will have his last address or the last two or three depending how many places he has lived. The more information you have about him the easier it will be to find him online.

Don't push or talk bad about him that will make her want him even more. Remember you can catch more bees with honey.

I am afraid that CM is right about this guy.

Good luck!
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CM, I think the OP is afraid he will leave mum broke and alone.

What do her friends think of him? Has the pastor met him?

DI'd your dad leave the funds outright to her?

Has anyone asked mom to give him a very simple " test"? Have her mention casually that the funds are entailed in a way that prohibits her from moving them from where they are right now? And see if he skedaddles?
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Minngirl Mar 2019
Yes. He will drain her dry and leave.
Has he met her pastor? Once. So she was on the board of the church. He doesn’t want her going to that church. So when when the church misses her they made an unannounced visit. He was there. He poured himself a drink and drank it. Alcohol that is.
The funds are all hers. She told him all about what she has. He is making investment suggestions. She doesn’t need to make more money. I’m talking A LOT of money. She just needs to live. Not make money. He knows about oil money. My dads SS money and everything else. I have no clue why she told him about it all. She bought him a new car yesterday.
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I thought the OP meant that her mother won't hear of any precautions like the prenup for fear of losing him.

Could be both, of course :(
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Minngirl Mar 2019
Yes. Thank you. That is exactly right.
Anyone who has cautioned her in any way- has been removed from contact.
She began to yell at her sister when she mentioned it. Told her she hated her and didn’t want to ever see her.
This is so out of character. They have been inseparable until now at the age of 69.
I cant believe this is really happening.
It’s something I would watch on dateline. Not being effected in anyway.
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Unless your Mom is Mad, Which in Her own Right she Is...You cannot even get Guardianship over Her, This guy sis an Angel and an angle in her Life of as "Change of Life.." However, Try and Keep on your Toes when they do marry, He will Find a Way to falter and She will Need you, Kind Heart.
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Oh my. Sounds like she is being so taken advantage of by this guy. I don't like to make assumptions, but heck. Does she have memory issues or health problems that may be interfering with her decisions?
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Minngirl Mar 2019
No. Nothing. She has MS and and heart issues.
The only other new thing is she went to the doctor and they started testosterone shots. The place caters to women’s hormones.
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zhaoermia118
Im on here asking for guidance to help.
Not making assumptions. The people closest to her who said something she doesn’t want hear has been told to go away and she hates them. Her friends - other family members- church members. If I mess up- no one will be allowed to be around her to know what’s going on. Im the last one to still have contact. Therefore, I’m treading lightly at this point. I don’t want to make the same mistakes others have made.
I am asking for input before I make a move. Critical thinking.
So your post doesn’t really help. But thanks for trying.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
You are very smart to try to prepare as much as you can. Good luck. It’s tough.
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Oyvey, testosterone shots, those are used to increase strength and sex drive. Guess we can all figure that one out.

If he is involved with another woman, she is probably part of the scam.

Do you know if the money is in a trust or does she just have free access and control? If it is in a trust you may be able to notify the attorney and get some input or flag things. Maybe.

I can so relate to your concern and frustration, my dad got a young thang and everyone but him could see that she was all about the money. When he was completely broke and almost dead, she got a divorce. He ended up with us and we were able to get him a decent savings account and good insurance, better health, teeth and damned if he didn't run off and find her. Has blown through 40k in 6 months and we are waiting for the train wreck to happen. She got him to disconnect from everyone for years, can't abuse someone when others are watching. She used every trick in the book to isolate him, he agreed, much as your mom is doing.

You can be ready to pick up the pieces or you can let her live with the consequences of her choices. I have helped my dad many times on this psycho journey he has chosen and I have decided that the next call for help will have me dialing 911. I am not willing to be abused so he can pretend. This is the choice you will have to make.

I love my dad and wish him the very best but not at my expense ever again. I hope you are spared much of my journey but from what you describe, I am afraid you are on the same ride.
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Minngirl Mar 2019
Wow. Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like what I foresee happening.
The money is free to use. No trust. His death was sudden and unexpected. So no provisions were made.
She bought him a car yesterday.

Yes. Removing family and friends is a bold move. There is only one reason to do that.
So far I’ve kept my mouth shut. I feel it’s the best thing to do at this time. But I feel it’s so wrong as well.
I have a feeling we are taking the same ride. Much 💕
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He is after the money. If that is gone so is he.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
shad,

Yep. It’s ALL about the MONEY!
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Mom needs to know about catfish. People or there looking for someone to care for them while they spend her money is unheard of in her generation but it is so real! Dr Phill has shows on this addiction. A prenuptial agreement is essential for her future security. If he objects to starting the marriage on equal grounds of asset where the family gets control of the excess through a family trust then he is not the man your mother should trust. A revocable living trust is worth having at her age.
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Last night I got more bad news. She gave him power of attorney and has him listed on an advanced health care directive type document. I don’t understand how this smart lady can be falling for this.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
So tragic! I’m so sorry. Notify everyone that you possibly can. Find out if he has a police record. Don’t threaten him in any way. He could be dangerous for all you know.

I feel for your mom and for you. Hire a PI.

He was fired for a reason! He probably wasn’t showing up for work due to his drinking. He is taking advantage of your mom. Flattering her. He is a total scumbag!
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Oh Lord.

Is it possible the MS is causing mental deterioration?

Can you contact an Eldercare attorney and lay this out for him/her and ask advice?

Does she have long term care insurance? Because she should understand that no one is taking her in when he dumps her.
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Countrymouse Mar 2019
Well, they are though, aren't they - Minngirl has already signed up for the salvage job in her heart.

But oh wouldn't it be wonderful to prevent its being needed.
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If ever there was an argument for an Intervention, this has to be it, don't you think? What a nightmare.

So - your mother herself has known of, if not known personally, this man for some years, she knows his track record and reputation?

MS, heart issues, new treatments - has anybody closely examined her soundness of mind? Acute mental illness isn't always obvious, but it might still be there.

The rest of the family has been banished for their "treachery" and "prejudice" - are you still in touch with them, though? What is anyone thinking about what to do?
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Minngirl Mar 2019
She met him 2 months ago.
ot is like a teenager I’m love.
She is incredibly happy with this man.
other than being blinded by love- she is of sound mind.
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I'd reach out to her doctor(s), Adult Protective Services, and your area Agency on Aging. The doctor will not be able to disclose anything to you if you are not on the HIPAA form, but can take any information you submit, and may be able to make suggestions as far as anything that might help. The Agency on Aging might do an investigation for financial exploitation/abuse, as well as same with APS, particularly if this guy has a track record of such. I'm betting this is not his first time taking advantage of an elderly or disabled person.

Another thing you might think about is seeing if your mom would meet with an attorney. Tell her that it's to plan for her future in case something happens and she ever needs long term care, etc, that you worry about that, and want to see if she would be willing to make a plan so that you know her wishes as far as health care and finances, as well as putting some of her money into trust to save for that purpose. Don't mention the guy, or anything about this in front of the guy.

An attorney may be able to persuade her to put at least a good portion of her money into a trust so that it is protected from this guy. Also, if she hasn't done any POA or Advance Directive paperwork, it would be a good time anyway to plan for and talk about that before she does need long term care.

**Oh, I just saw where you said she gave him POA and filled out the Advance Directive. You could still take those to the attorney too and have him/her draft new ones if she would agree to such. Again, maybe the attorney can explain why it would be better to have a next of kin as POA. Depending on how they were done, they may or may not be valid anyway.

One more option that might help prove to her that he is lying about the other woman and would tell more about his history might be to hire a private investigator.

Good luck, and keep us posted. I hate hearing stories like this of elderly being taken advantage of.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
Frazzled,

True, POA can be changed. My mom once had my oldest brother (heroin addict) named as her POA! I took her to an attorney and had her drop him as POA! Her reason for doing it was so irrational. She felt sorry for him and wanted to build his confidence.

People prey on other’s emotions. So sad.
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Her sister who had been updating me hasn’t been reachable since Thursday night. No new updates. Does adult protective services keep calls Anonymous?
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FrazzledMama Mar 2019
Yes, they do. They will not disclose who reported, particularly if you ask to remain anonymous.
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Minngirl, I'm so sorry to read what you are going through. It must be painful, and frustrating, to say the least.
It's true that everybody has the right to live how they please, but if one is not helped by family and friends when they are in this kind of horrible situations, then when?

They say pictures speak a thousand words. My first thought was to hire a private investigator and make your mom see pictures of this man with the other woman. It would be painful, but perhaps it's the only thing that could help her opening her eyes. Just my 2 cents.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
I have a friend who is a PI, she has worked with high level politicans. She is a professional and never divulges information to anyone but when their picture shows up on the evening news and they land in jail we know it was her who took them down. She’s allowed to speak in general terms but not specific info. We fill in the blanks and know who they are.

A good PI can take a person down. My friend is responsible for quite a few people ending up in jail with her evidence. Get that PI!
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Is it possible to help the police get him for DUI every time he drives. 32 cans of beer a day
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
Oh, I like that. He needs to be in jail before he kills someone!
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All you can do is Give Nice Advice that Hopefully Mom will Take. However, Have a Little Chat and Tell HIM where it is At...He may watch His step knowing YOU are Watching HIS.
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Isthisrealyreal Mar 2019
Not likely, he will pressure mom into disconnecting because she just became a known threat. People that are predators know how to do what they plan. Isolation is the biggest way to abuse someone, the predator convinces their prey that they are all alone except for them. Calling him plays right into his hand, never a good idea.
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You are doing the right thing to keep your opinions about him to yourself until you have your "ducks in a row".

As others have suggested, get the private investigator to take pictures of him and the other women - more than one time so that it is a pattern of behavior, call the police and have him pulled over for DWI when he leaves and has been drinking - do this every time as she will most likely bail him out the first couple of times. If you called APS - good - but if she tells them she wants to do this they will say it is her money she gets to choose - but it might scare him to know someone in authority is watching.

And call her doctor and report her behavior because the MS can cause cognitive changes, maybe they could call her in for a check up and routine blood work (not saying you called them to do so).

You do have a right to get involved because when the money is gone in 5 years and she is in worse health and alone it will be up to you to pick up the pieces - you can say to her you will not - but you know you will because you love her and then there goes your retirement nest egg paying for her shots and care.
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MinnGirl, You have several issues here and I think it might be best to break them down and then decide which ones have the highest priority.
From what I can see, Here are the major issues , in the order of importance that I can see – You need to prioritize them for yourself
 
1:  MONEY : You want to protect your mothers assets for HER benefit
2: Her change of Lifestyle, or to put it more bluntly, Her dependence on him. (co-dependent: fear of him leaving)
3: Tough Love : Mom doesn’t want to hear anything negative about him so she pushes those who care about her away
 
So.. Let me get right to my suggestions and train of thought.
A)    At her age and circumstance, having a man around “Feels” like Security – it may be the opposite but to her, It Feels like her safety net. Don’t add logic to my statement, See it from HER point of view
B)     Due to A) above, She will most likely conform to what she thinks HE wants her to be. Even at the expense of losing you and the other family members. Very similar to insecure young adults who Change when they start dating. If they are healthy, this change only lasts a little while until the boundaries snap back in place.  In your moms case, it looks more like this will only get worse, not better.  Tip: the more other “push” her , the farther she will distance herself to “protect the relationship with him. 
C)     Money Money Money. It can’t buy love… or can it. Nope, but the Illusion of giving giving giving might be the only thing your mom thinks will satisfy him (especially with a 14 year age difference)
 Ok I typed above before reading all the other posts;
She bought him a new car – Bad but water of the bridge…oh well
She gave him Power of Attorney BAD – Real Friggin Bad = I am certain that this was at HIS request – SCAM and someone else was probably right, The other Girl is probably in on it.
Don’t know the laws in your state but you might want to go to Her Pastor and Doctor and explain the situation , They may have “Intervention” ideas.
Most states have some kind of law regarding guardianship when the individual is not capable to care for themselves. Don’t assume that she is in control of her facilities.
Her Pastor and Doctor will hopefully have more specific information
Now about the POWER of Attorney, Call yourself your Own ELDER LAW Attorney and FAST. 
They might be able to Nullify the POA for the drunk , maybe for duress or Signing under threat (that the drafting attorney wasn’t aware of or could have cared less about)
I’m about to say something nasty about attorneys (some of them,)
Any Attorney that would draw up a Power Of Attorney in these circumstance should be Tared, Feathered and left in the desert. They are a dime a dozen and SCUM . Trust me , My parents had one of these SCUM attorneys who would draft Legally Binding Docs without giving 2 _hits about the consequences. They just wanted their  fee. 
 
Now a few suggestions: Your mom will not let any threat, and that mean you, interfere with the relationship. So heed her warning. Don’t try to convince her he’s a bad guy. You could paste on the fridge copies of arrest warrants, Private eye pictures of him with the other girl and even recordings of the guy and the girls Laughing about how they Took Your Mom and she Still wouldn’t believe he’s scum.  But YOU.. How Dare You try to pull them apart.
Let the Dr. Clergy, Lawyers be the bad guys . You should just spend quality time with her. Who know
 
My Last words: Get the Elder Law Attorney FAST !! with a Power OF Attorney, The money could be gone by now… All Of It .
Might be a good idea to talk to the Bank President about the situation . The Bank Is NOT OBLIGATED TO ACCEPT THE POWER OF ATTORNEY .
But if you don’t inform them They won’t have any reason to suspect somethings up
 
Good Luck
UneekGuy
Ps. I have a few buckets of Tar if you want me to participate (just adding a little humor to a Horrible situation  )
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ConnieMH71 Mar 2019
Good reply! FYI, you can get POA forms online without a lawyer. Then Notarized.
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I'm sort of in this same situation, minus the drinking and the age difference. I have just come to terms that my mum is going to do what every she wants to do and I can't do anything to stop her. My mum has made bad choices MANY times over the years. What is it with these ladies who want to marry so quickly? Mum met her husband and married within 3 months. I'm over dealing with her crap!

Good Luck, sorry I can't help. But at least you know your not alone.
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Your mother has been duped by what is called a "catfish". These are men who prey on lonely women and get them to support them and drain their bank accounts. I’ve seen shows about these types and the women always defend them and never believe their children. I would hire a P.I. and present the report to her. At least you can say you tried and didn’t sit idly by while he conned her. The other thing is...yousaid he leaves her house driving drunk at 1 a.m. can you alert the police to this and they can follow and arrest him for DUI?
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You have to be more assertive with her & have her watch these same stories from Dr Phil ..widowed single lonely women getting scammed every day. Have her evaluated because she will end up homeless with him on the street. Get POA ASAP !!! Can you maybe warn bank about it? Have her dr declare her mentally incapacitated
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I also tweeted your story to Dr Phil who has these stories on his show
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So sorry about this situation for you. You are doing great if you have not blown up at her like her sister (or I would have). At least you are still in her life cuz she will need you when it is over. Good suggestions from all the others here. The Elder Abuse agency or Adult Protective Services sounds like a possibility for help and you could do it anonymously. Such a detestable man doing this to your mom. Cut off friends, family, church and got POA - huge blinking danger signs! Good luck sweet daughter!
Regarding the testosterone - that could be part of the problem. I was told I had low testosterone and doctor was suggesting shots or patch but I resisted. Another doctor told me to never be persuaded to do that. Hormones can make people crazy - as women we all know that.
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I would pay close attention to what uneekguy has to say. Move quickly. Also, you might want to talk to the office of aging in your area to better understand your responsibilities. Here’s what I mean.

If you mom starts going down the path of dementia and cannot take care of herself and this lowlife has taken her money and is gone, you as family will most likely be responsible if anything happens to her. In otherwords you will end up with legal problems, if harm comes to her.

What I would do is get with an attorney and see if he can draft a legal paper that your mom has to sign that states the situation that you have described and that you will NEVER be responsible for her under any circumstances. Once it is drawn up, ask the attorney how it is to be signed, e.g. in front of him or in front of any witness. This document might even be in a form similar to a divorce.

The next thing I would do is go to the office of the chief of police and ask if you could have a private conversation with him/her. You might need to make an appointment but do it. Don’t just talk with a clerk. Explain the situation to the chief and ask him/her if he/she would keep a copy of the document on file, so if there is a problem down the road, they will have it on file and you can remind them of it and the conversation. The chief will also want to run a check on this guy. You can do something similar by going to www.beenverified.com.

In short, at this point it is a matter of protecting yourself; not your mom. At her age now, it is not a big deal. Give it 10 to 15 years, and you have a big problem, if you have not protected yourself. If she has a problem and the police come to your door, you get out the signed document and explain to them that you are not legally responsible for her and politely ask them to leave and speak with the chief of police, as the document is on file. Again...protect YOU now.

If your mom signs the legal document, it might give her pause to think. If she refuses to sign it, go back to the attorney for advice. This could end up in court, but you have to protect yourself!

If you are in a situation to be able to move out if state, do it. If things go bad for your mom, and they will, don’t fall for cries. She’s an adult, and you will have given her plenty of opportunity to see the light.

I was very close to my mom who died from Alzheimer’s. I was her caregiver for a very long time, as in 20 years. Had anything like you are experiencing happened to my mom, my two “associates” would have made sure the “boyfriend” disappeared. (Not a joke. I respect the police, but sometimes their hands are tied...mine are not.)

You must take care of yourself. Quickly!
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vonrock Mar 2019
A problem at any age ! Protecting Her is paramount.
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You should be scared! I have seen this scenario too often in the last 30 years - younger man moves in, marries the widow and winds up taking everything and then leaves to find another widow.

Most states have a department that deals with Scamming the Elderly. Find help now, before it is too late.
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vonrock Mar 2019
I see it too, and it has no age barrier. Too often
young women, with 2 fatherless kids, no love or money, future of family. More lying boyfriends.

“Too late” the two most important words here.
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