RN and unable to work because step dad passed away recently and mother is unable to take care of self, but refuses to leave her home. She expects me and my husband to move in with her. My stepdad created this person she has become he waited on her hand and foot. She doesn’t realize that he is gone and she cannot bark orders to us and expect us to jump. Refuses to move in with me. Has a dog that has to be walked twice daily and hired dog Walker per her wishes and now complaining about cost and then she plays the “Woe is me” card. Sister lives an hrs away and she is raising twin 14 year old boys and she refuses to go live with them. She is unable to care for self ( cook, clean, grocery shop) all of which I do on top of running her to 5 different drs that she has. My and my husband's income dropped 1/2 since I haven’t been working and this is putting a strain on us. He’s absolutely wonderful and helps whenever we he can and tells me all is going to be ok. I’m starting to look at her and not like her anymore. I love her but she is being inconsiderate and selfish.
Just stop doing it all.
Obviously not just 'cold turkey' but as safe as possible.
This is my 3 step plan as advised by a Social Worker for my LO - living alone but definately NOT independantly.
1. ADVISE
Have a good chat.
Make it CLEAR what you can do going forward & won't you can't. If you are going back to work, tell her this.
Advice her if she wishes to 'age in place' she can! Having the right help/support will allow her to age in place longer.
2. LET HER DECIDE
Help her make a list of what she needs help with. Then help her source all the required services eg dog walker, house cleaner, grocery deliveries, meal service, personal care support aide for showers of required. Include transport: Would taxi/uber be safe? Maybe you will keep doing this? Or a paid personal aide drive her?
Mother decides on the services she needs, can afford, what to trial etc.
(Umm.. you may even find the list so long that an entire village of people would be needed to keep her boat afloat. Let that sink in 🤔. For both of you.)
3. CONSEQUENCES
The consequences are hers.
Fired your dog walker?
Pooch may have to live elsewhere.
Refused meal delivery but can no longer cook? Eat toast.
Refused to let the shower aide in? Stay unwashed & undressed that day.
Then you circle back to 1, 2,3 as often as you need.
Tough Love.
You do not need to be one of her choices. You do not even need a list of justifications for that decision. You need to stop being he Go To Option.
As for the caregivers start out slowly like two days a week or half days & increase as needed. My mom enjoyed a split shift 10-2 & then 5-9p.m. She napped in between.
I changed mom's insurance so she could have a visiting physician. We also use a mobile lab and a mobile Imaging company.
Good luck & do not let her demand your life away.
If you don't stop doing everything for her, your entire life will be consumed with mother's needs in short order, and it still won't be enough. The reality is, she needs 24/7 care by a team of caregivers now, but the dementia prevents her from seeing the logic of the matter. I hate dementia and dealt with it for years with my mother who died in Feb at 95. She lived in Memory Care AL, thank God, and it was difficult enough for me as it was with her in managed care. I can't tell you how much I STILL had to do with her in MC.
To answer your question & summarize this comment, there is nothing you can do to make your mother understand she cannot live alone. Leave her alone to fend for herself entirely and MAYBE she'll see she needs to move into AL, maybe. It's likely a crisis has to happen in order to force her into managed care, though, that's how it works with the vast majority of elders (including my own parents who were forced into AL after dad fell & broke his hip after refusing to use a walker).
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it. It'll give you better insight into how your mom thinks nowadays.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Wishing you the best of luck with a very difficult situation.
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