RN and unable to work because step dad passed away recently and mother is unable to take care of self, but refuses to leave her home. She expects me and my husband to move in with her. My stepdad created this person she has become he waited on her hand and foot. She doesn’t realize that he is gone and she cannot bark orders to us and expect us to jump. Refuses to move in with me. Has a dog that has to be walked twice daily and hired dog Walker per her wishes and now complaining about cost and then she plays the “Woe is me” card. Sister lives an hrs away and she is raising twin 14 year old boys and she refuses to go live with them. She is unable to care for self ( cook, clean, grocery shop) all of which I do on top of running her to 5 different drs that she has. My and my husband's income dropped 1/2 since I haven’t been working and this is putting a strain on us. He’s absolutely wonderful and helps whenever we he can and tells me all is going to be ok. I’m starting to look at her and not like her anymore. I love her but she is being inconsiderate and selfish.
Are you or your sister her PoA? If so, this person needs to read the document to see when their legal authority to act on her behalf kicks in.
Her "urgent needs" and demands do not dictate whether you should jump to react. Right now the most important thing may be to get her in for a check-up to see if her symptoms are being caused by other treatable ailments, like a UTI, dehydration, vitamin deficiency, thyroid problem, over- or under-medication of any meds (OTC or prescription), stroke, tumor, etc. Most of the time dementia is only diagnosed after all other problems are tested and discounted.
Once you know what you're dealing with, then you can start thinking about longer-term solutions. Please think long and hard about inisisting she live with you... if it is dementia she will only get worse and need more and more personal care and oversight, and most likely become more difficult to deal with as she continues to lose her abilities of reason, logic and empathy. Also, she will require hygiene attention and may not be cooperative. She may become incontinent and lose her mobility.. is your home ADA compliant? I'm not saying to not take her in, but there will be responders who have "been there, done that" giving you sage advice from actual experience, so please ponder it very carefully and realistically.
You will not be able to work and care for her very easily. There will be a time when she won't be able to be left alone for any length of time in your home. And, there is a price to pay in your marriage and children. Please remember they are a priority over your mother's care. It may boil down to the "least bad option". I wish you much success in working through this challenge.
If you don't stop doing everything for her, your entire life will be consumed with mother's needs in short order, and it still won't be enough. The reality is, she needs 24/7 care by a team of caregivers now, but the dementia prevents her from seeing the logic of the matter. I hate dementia and dealt with it for years with my mother who died in Feb at 95. She lived in Memory Care AL, thank God, and it was difficult enough for me as it was with her in managed care. I can't tell you how much I STILL had to do with her in MC.
To answer your question & summarize this comment, there is nothing you can do to make your mother understand she cannot live alone. Leave her alone to fend for herself entirely and MAYBE she'll see she needs to move into AL, maybe. It's likely a crisis has to happen in order to force her into managed care, though, that's how it works with the vast majority of elders (including my own parents who were forced into AL after dad fell & broke his hip after refusing to use a walker).
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it. It'll give you better insight into how your mom thinks nowadays.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Wishing you the best of luck with a very difficult situation.
Just stop doing it all.
Obviously not just 'cold turkey' but as safe as possible.
This is my 3 step plan as advised by a Social Worker for my LO - living alone but definately NOT independantly.
1. ADVISE
Have a good chat.
Make it CLEAR what you can do going forward & won't you can't. If you are going back to work, tell her this.
Advice her if she wishes to 'age in place' she can! Having the right help/support will allow her to age in place longer.
2. LET HER DECIDE
Help her make a list of what she needs help with. Then help her source all the required services eg dog walker, house cleaner, grocery deliveries, meal service, personal care support aide for showers of required. Include transport: Would taxi/uber be safe? Maybe you will keep doing this? Or a paid personal aide drive her?
Mother decides on the services she needs, can afford, what to trial etc.
(Umm.. you may even find the list so long that an entire village of people would be needed to keep her boat afloat. Let that sink in 🤔. For both of you.)
3. CONSEQUENCES
The consequences are hers.
Fired your dog walker?
Pooch may have to live elsewhere.
Refused meal delivery but can no longer cook? Eat toast.
Refused to let the shower aide in? Stay unwashed & undressed that day.
Then you circle back to 1, 2,3 as often as you need.
Tough Love.
That does change things...
The *denial* can be *Anosognosia* (lack of insight). Look up the care topics for that & see if it fits.
My LO has been dx with this. Appeared selfish asking family to do all, want at beck & call etc. Lacks insight to understand own needs. Says "I can manage" but lacks planning skills to do so.
So reasoning was useless (cannot reason with people who lack reason 😜).
But the Social Worker advise worked.
Each step of accepting 'outside' help was a hard won battle. But now working quite well.
I am calling 'Age in Place', Plan A. When it stops working, Plan B (move to AL) will be arranged.
In all honesty I disagree with the response on the tough love because you have to realize that yes some personality characteristics come into play but with dementia and old age the brain is wearing out.
As you said you are an RN so you are well aware of the safety issue but you also know your mother. This things are so hard.
I literally told my mother about 6 years ago pull the car over, give me your keys you are not driving. Mother is/was on Coumadin blood thinner now on Eliquis. I have the responsibility of my mother's safety on the road and ALSO the safety of others.
One morning a week my mother goes to a 4-hour morning respite. Health insurance covers speed and physical therapy and there is a fee for the facility which includes and RN, continental breakfast, hot lunch and most of all supervision. This way here I can to to my doctor's appointment. It had to be done. Transportation is provided but I drive mother to and from.
You could start with that and it may take an emergency with the your mother living alone where is the decision is made for her. Even the nicer neighborhoods word gets out when their is someone vulnerable living alone. Usually the nicest neighbor on the street can have grandson who is not nice. Basically, the elderly need to be protected. You can't be polite and say I don't want to hurt their feelings and they up end being hurt or hurting others.
Just say NO and explain why, hold your mother's hand look into her eyes she is loved, cared for, has a family and a place to live but not alone. Tell her your needs will be provided. Whatever you need we will see that you get it. This does not mean you have to do everything. Call on the troops--I told my mother's pcp that. Speech, VNA, Occupational Therapy, home blood draw, food delivery, cleaning women, Church people bring Communion on a Sunday.
Get Grandma a headset and have her Skype twins on the weekend, everyone will love it. I'm with you sister. You have a great husband, never let him go....
Amen!
You do not need to be one of her choices. You do not even need a list of justifications for that decision. You need to stop being he Go To Option.
As for the caregivers start out slowly like two days a week or half days & increase as needed. My mom enjoyed a split shift 10-2 & then 5-9p.m. She napped in between.
I changed mom's insurance so she could have a visiting physician. We also use a mobile lab and a mobile Imaging company.
Good luck & do not let her demand your life away.
Please don't put a strain on your marriage you working is the best so that you don't have to give up things.
Prayers.
Right now she is lonely and completely on her own - something that she doesn't know how to cope with - yet she is petrified to lose her "independence" and mom boss status. It's normal. Thus, she uses manipulation via guilt. Ask family members to visit and/or call frequently. Have her over for dinner once a week if your schedule allows. Eventually, mom will fall into a new normal.
Whatever you decide to do, put your well being first because the more you start doing for your mother, the more she will expect, and the more you will burn out.
Take one small step at a time. Stay on this site - it's a Godsend!
Moving into her home to take care of her is a mistake. If you think you are unhappy now, just see how living with her works!
Its very sad that her life is about to change again after her spouse died, but that’s what happens. It won’t be easy, but you have to do what you know to keep her safe. Sounds like with her personality she won’t be happy with anything, so keep that in mind and don’t jump through hoops, because no matter what you do, she won’t like it. She is still mourning the loss of her husband in her own way. Her world is turned upside down and she is scared. Be as understanding and patient as you can, but again, you are calling the shots, not her.
If she doesn’t have dementia, then she either learns how to take care of herself of again, you are back to hiring someone.
Moving in with her will probably be cheaper for you, since your income has decreased. But will it really? Because you will pay with your sanity.
Now that’s a fairly harsh way to say it and there are of course all sorts of intricacies here. The first being your mom recently lost her husband, the man who has been caring for her and perhaps covering for her for a long time by the sounds of it and a man who obviously loved her. She is grieving and very likely scared, scared of leaving her home, scared of being alone, scared because she has no clear plan and perhaps because she can’t process one. We often become paralyzed in our fear and grief and lash out as a result. Every time she is faced with her own mortality and her situation she just wants to ignore it so becomes demanding and angry in an effort to tap it down. As we age we tend to like and adapt well to change less and less.
You love your mother have a very supportive husband and want to help her through her grief and through her aging years, make sure she’s safe and happy, cared for. To top that off caring for people is your business so of course you instinctively put all that effort and then some into your mother. But maybe the way you are going about, the same way your step father before you did by eliminating any need for her independence isn’t the best way to help her right now.
Im not saying withdraw all your support but consider what you can do and what you can sustain, what you are doing obviously isn’t it. You need to work to maintain your household and plan for your future with your husband. Can you order groceries for pick up or to be delivered to Mom once a week? Can you or your husband come by and mow the lawn…what “chores” to maintain her household can you do without making your life revolve around her and neglecting the enjoyment of your own household? How many “regular” doctors appointments a month can you handle of hers? Personally I think someone attending these with her is very important. Could you or your sister really handle having mom move in with you should she change her mind and want to? Now start to wean away from the things you are doing over and above what you know you can long term even if it means they don’t get done. Offer other ideas about how mom can get them accomplished and the willingness to help her investigate them. But financially you need to go back to work again rite now and your profession is in demand is what you tell mom about why you can’t do this or that anymore. I wouldn’t drop it all at once but she needs to be weened off of dependency and into some independence. She can decide what she does and doesn’t want to do and you will know if she is or isn’t able to actually make those decisions. Rather than tell her what she can’t do let her decide and see what she can and cant.
I would make sure all the legalities are in order and I would “help” her take care of finances and medical stuff as the first most important thing on my list, these are responsibilities you and your sister could share too as long as you work together well since they can mostly be done remotely. Next on the list is attending doctor appointments and then household stuff because those are all chores she can hire others to do if necessary or if she doesn’t have the money she might get state help for. I think you both, you all, need to feel more empowered and able to move on rite now and need each other’s help and support in traveling this new road.
The Mrs. I was caring for I would say, was a nasty witch. She did lots of things to tick you off. But you know….it’s like someone said - to know her is to love her. So I gritted my teeth through the crap she was pulling and just continued to love her and eventually, years eventually, it got better. But your family, so that is a different dynamic, but I think- at least I hope - the principal can still be used. You might need a Power of attorney. Whatever you do, God bless you because you are her angel whether she looks at it that way or not and we will be here to support you. get involved in a face-to-face support group when you go down that road because you’ll need to vent to others, get support and share some dark humor about the job. It’ll really help.
I picture very young children.. they want what they want, & usually want it NOW! They want company & help. They don't care about interrupting your task, your day, your work etc.
I once had someone assertively switching between "I don't need your help!" and "You do it!" 😖
Wanted stuff done. But pride preventing them from asking in a polite way.
My question to you, why are you letting her get to you?
Is she deemed medically of sound mind? If yes, her decisions are hers and hers alone to make. Even if they are the wrong ones.
I’ve learned a lot through caretaking elderly sick parents and the one thing I can take away is she someone doesn’t want the help that you can offer (within limits) then they can figure it out on their own.
I am no longer a puppet. If someone comes to me with a problem and I offer a solution and it’s not the one they want, the problem is now theirs and not mine. I have no problem wishing them luck and lovingly walking away.
1) list the things you could spend time at her place to help her directly;
2) list the things you could spend your money to hire someone, because of.....;
3) list the things you could ask her to spend her money to hire someone, because of....;
4) think of some other alternatives;
5) clearly and nicely communicate and discuss it with her.
Geriatric Psychologist to work with both of you as you venture down this new path with your mom in Assisted Living. Perhaps mom can come to terms that she will a need cook, maid, dog walker, handyman and chauffeur if she remains at home in addition to maintenance and repairs on her home OR move into assisted living where there are activities and new people to meet.............which offers opportunities to eliminate isolation. Let her see the financials and decide how she wants to live.
All you have to do is eliminate yourself from the equation.