What can I do when my parent refuses help from anyone else?

You can not feel guilty for caring for yourself. Your mother is putting immense pressure on you to care for her while your own health needs attention. Outside carers or a facility will take care of her while you are recovering. You haven't failed and you are not obliged to sacrifice your own health and future for hers. My father put off a medical procedure to care for my mom. She was adamant she didn't need help or would only allow him to help. He had to place her in respite care and died days after she went in. He never got the medical care he needed because he was caring for my mother. Your mother may not like it, but outside carers or respite care is better than damaging your own long-term health.

Why will she not have anyone else? Because you've always acquiesced.

Once you remove yourself as the solution, then other avenues have to be found. Enlist your sibling to be the main communicator to explain that you have some serious issues, and now he's going to help her find some home care or move to a facility. You can participate behind the scenes if needed, but make him be the primary point of contact.

Your mother proved to you how she CAN & WILL hire help when you're not available as she did for that 4 week period when she used an agency! You have been ALLOWING her to run and to ruin your life for the past 11 years because you can't and won't say No due to unfounded feelings of guilt and obligation. What would mother do if you died? She'd function, that's for sure, and find somebody else to lay the FOG on nice and thick! FOG = Fear Obligation and Guilt, look it up and read all about it while you practice telling mother how you're no longer available to her and No, she WILL NOT be moving in with you, it is out of the question. It IS impossible, not "almost" impossible.....totally and completely. Ask her what OTHER options SHE has in mind for her care now that you are no longer in the position to be in that role? Put the problem back on HER to resolve, as the adult she is.

What mother asks to MOVE IN with a daughter who's sick and scheduled to undergo serious surgery???? A very selfish and egocentric one, that's who! Take off the rose colored glasses and see the truth for what it is!

Pick up a copy of Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend while you're at it, and devise a plan of how to take your life back and set down the necessary boundaries to do so. Your health is on the line now, so please don't wind up dying before your mother does!!!!

Please let us know how you're doing and best of luck with your upcoming surgery.

“She allowed an agency for 4 weeks only. As soon as I was cleared to drive she fired the home care.”

Just how did she know you were cleared to drive?

stop the insanity

You need to stop. The illness could very well have been brought on by stress.

Put you mom's number on silent and do not call her back. Necessity is the mother of invention. Take care of you and if mom needs that much help then it is time for assisted living.

Repeat "I cannot possibly do that!"

Is this relationship codependent? Find a therapist to help you end this.

"She is very stubborn and will not change anything about her life".

She did before. She will again.

It's the same as when toddlers scream "But I only want MUMMY!". Well Mum's out so you got Dad. Deal.with.it.kid.

I watched my SIL bow to that nonsense - not going out, rushing home etc until she (finally) saw the light. She stopped letting small children train her.

Training your Mom will need to be done quite speedily... "Mom. The care agency has been rebooked". Pause to let that sink in.

She may not LIKE it - but may accept it.

If she backchats, then get tough. "Cancel it & I'll let the Doctor know to drag you away to the nearest Nursing Home."

"It's your choice at the moment: #1 accept the agency carers or #2 be dragged out. Got it?".

I truly wish you healing & rest for your upcoming health issues.

"I think if I lay down the law she will go begging my brother to take care of her. Which I know he doesn’t want to do. But he may agree because of guilt. I wanted to be her caregiver until she passed away but at this point she is in better health than me."

So let your brother do it because of guilt. Who cares? The important thing is to remove YOURSELF from the picture. 11 years of caregiving slavery? Haven't you don enough? You've already gotten stress-induced conditions, right? Do you want to caregive yourself right into the grave? What about your husband? What about his feelings? Your life with him?

Mama's called the shots for way too long. Time to take control of YOUR life.

(P.S. And why won't she even consider letting your brother do anything for her? Why is she intent on taking over your life only?)

Really sounds like you need to focus on your health. I think you are right it would be too much for you and your husband to take in your mother. Sounds like you really need a permanent change for your mothers care. You need peace and low stress to recover from surgery and health issues. Take care of yourself. Hugs!

Jengagurl, please note that up to 40% of grown children who are caregivers to a love one pass away leaving behind the person they were caring. Then what? Those aren't good odds. Time to hand the reins over to someone else.

I think you found your sticking point. When you said "I wanted to be her caregiver until she passed away". You are so dedicated ❤️💙😥 but everyone needs a break now & then. Everyone needs to address their own health issues & now is that time for you.

Some rephrasing may help? Instead of feeling like you are letting her down, by taking time out for your own very necessary needs, think of the wonderful care you have given her. Your help allowed your Mother to live in her home way past the level of her independence. You gave her that amazing gift. Be proud of that!

Book her the agency care she needs & take the time out you need.

You know her... whether she will turn her campaign towards your brother. That's ok. I say that - not to dump onto him, but it's ok that he will find his own boundaries. Give him the care agency Manager's number. He can't fix Mother's old age either! If Mother wants to blame him - suggest he tell her to blame Mother Nature instead.

Wishing you health & a speedy recovery.

As long as you are doing all that you do for your mother, you are preventing brother from having his opportunity to care for his mom.
It will not be the death of her to learn new ways. Brother is not you but that doesn’t make what he has to offer wrong or bad.
When my sister developed cancer, I told her she was out of the caregiving business. She lived near my mom. I was three hours away. I took it on and came once a week to do it all. I was already handling the medical and financial. I added the cleaning and cooking. I also hired a housekeeper towards the end.
My brother also rose to the occasion and took on daily chores. We weren’t always gentle nurses. We talked back and once or twice made someone we had never seen cry have pity parties. We didn’t put up with the things you mentioned but we took care of our mother and did everything we could for her as she wanted. She always had a choice but so did we.
My mother used shame on us as children. We used it right back when she was insensitive to our needs.
Old people get very self centered. They seem to feel their very life depends on it. But amazingly they adapt when they have to and sometimes they are happier for it.
Turn in your resignation and share the labor of love with brother. I wish you all the best with your surgery and recovery. Let us know how you are doing. Big Hugs

I don't think she should move in with you when you're recuperating.

She needs an agency to care for her regularly OR she may need to move into AL or a nursing home.

A 2-hour drive, even once you're better, is no longer manageable.

It would be nice if she could live in an AL or Nursing Home that is close to you.
All this said, not sure if you're well enough to look into options right now, so she'll need to rely on an agency in the meantime.

I feel like your good nature has been exploited and now you're paying the price.
Please don't bring her in your house or guess what -- you'll be caring for her while YOU'RE trying to get better.

So many people on this forum with so much guilt they don't deserve. You have worked for 11 years and given up your own life for your mom during all that time. There's only so much you can do. Just tell her you can't do it any more.

Please don't feel guilty about taking care of yourself and your own health. You have been a wonderful caregiver for your mother, for as long as you have been able. People often get self-centered as they get older. It sound like this has happened to your mother. There's no blame for her in this, it happens, but you have to keep your own boundaries. Will your mother understand when you tell her that she must have aides helping her while you have surgery and recover from it, and that there will be an unknown amount of time for your recovery and rehabilitation? Also that this is not a good time for her to move in with you, as you have to deal with your own health issues? Later, seek therapy for your feelings of guilt, and your tendency to sublimate your own needs for those of your mother. There should be a better balance. You're letting her get into your head. When you are back on your feet, you may have to help your mother to have a Plan B, which is aides, even when you are feeling better, or moving to assisted living close to you. All the best with your surgery and full recovery, and for your mother and husband too! A big hug!

Ask yourself this.............. if something happens to me............. who will take care of Mom. Answers : home care that she pays for until she runs out of money or a facility. Guess what? Something .... just happened to you. You woke up and decided that it time to take care of you and your husband.

Now Mom sounds just a little self centered and narcissitic so she is not going to like any to this but you are going to have to stand your ground and remember that you are the only one who is going to fight for you. Under no circumstances should she move in with you and your husband (even without your current health issues) ... it is not going to work. She will still expect you to get up from your sickbed and wait on her. Get therapy for yourself if you feel the need to .... that's alright. I think your good nature has been exploited for a long time and it needs to stop. Start dropping the guilt now. You've done a great job for 11 years. Year 12 is a new beginning for your and her.
Let your brother arrange for her care since you indicated he is willing to help. Maybe she is focused on you because she thinks he wouldn't put up with her nonsence.

Wishing you Peace.

Part of the problem is that you and your Mother seem to think that your Mother is still in charge. Since she is dependent on you and your help, that puts you in charge of her.

She has guilted you into doing things her way all this time. That really needs to change. You are now sick with what could be a stress-induced illness. That should be a huge wake up call for you. You are making yourself sick.

Let your Brother take charge. If he won’t put up with her antics, fine. But don’t get caught in the middle. Don’t take their calls. Make sure they know that the stress will make you sicker and you will be on Do Not Disturb. You can call them to check in once in awhile.

Best of luck with your surgery and recovery.

Brother needs to step into this situation.Pass him the reins.

I do think you should also talk to a therapist due to the abundance of guilt.

The therapist will help you gain right perspective and make rational decisions.

Best wishes.

Jengagurl: It is IMPERATIVE that you take care of you, else your health worsens. Your mother will have to opt for facility living. My goodness, your health is already in peril as you state that you're "very sick." Prayers sent.

Convince her the time has come for someone other than you to help out. If circumstances allow it, put her in a nursing home.

I've been a caregiver to many elderly people. Tough love is the cure for stubbornness.
Both you and your brother have to tell it like it is to your mother. Either accept hired caregivers or you're on your own. Very likely being on your own will result in the state putting you into a nursing home at some point. You have been getting manipulated by your mother for 11 years. Enough is enough. You have serious health conditions and cannot take care of her anymore. You are important too. You're a human being whose life has value. Not an old-age insurance policy that will guarantee care to your mother in her dotage.
By continuing to be the solution to all of her needs and demands, you in fact are enabling her stubbornness.
Put all the cards on the table and tell her these are her options.

1) Move to an assisted living or senior living community nearer to you.

2) Accept and cooperate with outside hired caregiving services.

Notice how none of the options involve her moving in with you or you being her caregiver?

Please consider speaking with your brother first, so the two of you can present a united front.

Then tell her, in simple, direct terms, that you have a serious medical condition and can no longer provide care. You are not obliged to provide details nor justify it. Your brother must stand his ground against providing care as well. Remind your mother that she must (1) move into a more suitable facility such that she receives care OR (2) she must hire in-home care.

I know - she will be angry that you dare to put your own needs before hers.

Take a step back and reframe the situation. What if a coworker told you she has (for example) colon cancer and requires surgery followed by chemotherapy. But her mother won’t let her because it’ll interfere with her availability to take her mother shopping. Or to get her hair done. Or do her laundry. Would you tell your coworker that you agree with her mother and she had no business seeking treatment her cancer? No? Why not?

But you’re questioning your right to seek treatment for yourself!

When I feel guilty I sometimes mentally role play my situation from another perspective.

And I won’t even delve into the hurt and betrayal that comes with the realization that our own mothers don’t actually give a rat’s @$$ about us.

Wow, Mom is 95! You've provided care for 11 years.

Get in sync with brother. Let him be the bad guy. Home caregivers or facility only option.

You must take care of yourself and put yourself first.

I think it would be much better if your mother moved closer to her son. She relied on you for the last 11 years. Since you will have an extended recovery time, the recovery time should be concentrated on you, not your mother. Guilt should not be a part of it. Your struggle to recover is and will be your priority. Please let your mother know you can’t take care of her anymore and that your husband can’t because he will be caring for you.

She will have to depend on her son and on either people to come in or to go to a facility. The facility can be near her son, who will have more time for her, but your time is no longer available.