Late last May my husband entered memory care in a well-run facility. I'd been caring for him at home (with caregiver help) for five years as his dementia and mobility worsened. Then Covid struck and further damaged his strength and cognition. He became too weak and confused for me to physically manage his care at home (too many falls, unable to stand or walk more than a couple of steps, severe incontinence, etc.). His first month in the new facility, he seemed blissful, often telling me what a wonderful place it was and how happy he was there. My last two visits, he started asking when he would be coming home, that he does not like being "stuck" in this place. I say things like "you need to be here to be getting stronger," which he seemed to understand at first. Do forum members have experience with this shift from happy to restless and discontent? I felt so lucky that he seemed to love it at first, and it pains me that he is unhappy. There is no way he can come home, but I am feeling sad and more guilty than I did at first. I wonder if anyone has useful phrases or conversations to divert the attention from his unhappiness at my leaving him there?
Thanks to everyone who has chimed in on my various postings. I so appreciate this forum.
Unfortunately, we can make lots of suggestions but only you know how to handle your particular circumstance and be able to live with yourself. I have a friend whose dad has dementia. Her mother insists on telling him the whole truth and they have experienced some pretty bad reactions. They have been married for 62 years and she says "he trusts me and I cannot lie to him". I wouldn't even try to make her change but if I did, I would say, you are not lying to him in the true sense of the word because, number 1, you are not dealing with your husband of 62 years, you are dealing with a mind that does not work properly; and number 2, it is better for his health and (potentially) yours if you keep him calm and happy. I say all of this to say that I understand that this is extremely hard and each day brings a new challenge but I want to encourage you that you have made the right decision and are doing right by him even when you are not entirely truthful about his circumstances. The unhappy truth is, he will never "accept" it because he cannot understand it.
What you said to him didn’t explain that it’s permanent. You gave him false hope. He believed, he’ll be able to get out one day when he’s stronger. It’s not surprising that now, a lot of time has passed, and he wants to know when he’ll go home.
I know some people use “therapeutic lies”. My wish would be, “Tell it to me straight. Don’t lie to me.”
Some years ago, I was in hospital. I was surprised a family member (nearby) didn’t visit. On the phone, he told me some false promise. Now I know it was just to keep me quiet. My opinion of this family member is now lower than low.
In the context of NH, I would tell someone honestly, “You’re here permanently.” They have a right to know. And the person who put them there, should face up to it.
care.. I used tell him because I couldn’t take good care of him at home. Here he was safe … professionals’ eyes on him 24/7 .. meds and health monitored everyday by nurse… etc etc
you can never replicate the safe care at home no matter how much help you have… there are 3 shifts /day
nurse/doctor available … try taking loved one with dementia to doctor’s office with all their issues.
so I always told him truth … and I think he understood and hope he forgave me… because I couldn’t get over the guilt either.. that just proves you’re a good person.
visit every day or as often as you can
bring snacks … take him outings if he’s able… out dinner .. parks… picnics …
here he was surrounded with people
physios activities … at home there’s
just him you and caregiver
you’re doing best for his health and safety …as well as yours.
Best Luck
Good! The person deserves to know!
As he is deemed " appropriate for memory care unit", this says that he is greatly cognitively impaired and, as such he will not remember having been told or remember asking the questions about " going home". Hence the repetition..
This can be extremely challenging to family as you are experiencing ( so don't feel guilty about your feelings).
Keep visits short, redirect conversation to something positive and appropriate when he starts the
" going home drill" . If he doesn't or cannot follow the redirection, tell him you love him, he is there for his safety, and you will see him again soon. Then leave. Do not linger nor allow him to " control" you with guilt producing verbals such as not liking it etc. You can also try having a specific planned activity ready when you do go and plan ahead to fill the visit time ( 15-30 min ) with your agenda for a positive visit.
Get counseling for yourself via pastor, chaplain, or other qualified professional to support your emotional, spiritual health.
Please seek out a support group for yourself.
The scan itself is upsetting to go through at this stage .
I only can hope that he will change back to loving it. You can't predict where his mind will take him. Use the right G-word because what you tell yourself in your own mind is so important. You are Grieving, and that is g-word enough. This is worth the grieving, for it is terribly sad and heartbreaking.
I hope things get better for him. Ask at the facility and I bet you will hear he is OK after you leave with his own routine. My best out to you.
I will get the "I want to go home" speech this week too.
Please don't be swayed by posters here Trying to guilt you in any way. Memory Care Assisted Living is often the best case scenario for elders suffering with dementia to keep them SAFE and well cared for. We're not The Bad Guys, nor is the MC facility, but the miserable disease itself.
Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.
Wishing you and your husband peace during this difficult time in your lives.
Please know that you made the right decision to place him. He is safe and that is what is most important.
At this point all you can do is continue to "lie" and hope he doesn't keep bringing this up.
You need to stay until Doctor ABC believes you can go home.
COVID is still making everyone sick and you're safer here.
Our home is getting [insert something here] and we'll re-talk about it when [something] is finished.
When it is safe.
If he's made friends:
If you leave now, [person 1 and/or person 2] will miss your company. We'll visit this again later.
Or even:
We can't move you today because it is a holiday. We'll try again some other time.
and change the subject!