I am not even certain what I am asking here. I just need to vent. I am going to try to condense as much as possible. I have been taking care of my parents and my siblings (and even their children) for most of my life. My family was dysfunctional to say the least and I never even realized just how much until I got married and moved out. I also suffer from mental health issues (depression, anxiety, ocd, panic) due to some verbal/physical abuse while living in their home. I lived at home until I was 28, not by choice but because they usually took any extra money I had that I might have used to move out. I have been helping feed them, get their nicotine, meet their bills, and bail my siblings out of jail for as long as I was able to work. Fast forward to 5 years ago (2016) and my mom has a psychotic episode which is later determined to be vascular dementia/alzheimer's. I even posted on this board about the issues back then. I start helping take care of my mom. I handle all of her doctor's appointments, medications, etc. Through all of this I am meeting resistance from my father, at times abusive resistance. Fast forward to the past 9 months (starting around the middle of October 2020, my dad's health is declining (he had AVM of the brain and copd) and he is starting to get really angry and frustrated with dealing with my mom. So, I start spending 4 to 6 hours a day every day of the week at their house cooking, cleaning, and just sitting and listening to them tell stories. I feel like during this time I am going completely crazy. My life with my husband is nonexistent. I start thinking about that frequently. We have never been on a vacation or even honeymoon in the 17 years we have been together. And I feel really bad for him because he stands by me no matter what and does for my parents when I am too drained. But, this anger I have with my stolen life is building to a fever pitch as I sit over there. Then I have to start taking my dad to appointments and I resent it because he has been both physically and verbally abusive to me. But, we have our good days more often than bad ones at this point. Fast forward again to last Thursday, July 15. I am upset because I had an appointment with my optometrist and my dad was supposed to remind my mom to take her medicine and feed her. But, he didn't because he was mad at the neighbors for playing their music all night and was outside playing his loudly to get back at them. I got mad at him and cussed about him within earshot saying I hated him and stuff to my mom. He was kind to me that day trying to talk to me. I wouldn't speak to him. He went to the bathroom and stayed in there for a long time and then went to the bed and lay down snoring loudly. I thought I heard him weakly call my name at one point, but wasn't sure and didn't check. It was time for me to go home, so I tucked my mom in bed and left without telling him I loved him because I was angry. It was the first time I had done that in a really long time. My mom called the next morning and said he was not responding to her. I told her something better be wrong because there were times he'd have small seizures and just not talk to her and I'd get there and things would be fine. (I live across the street) But, it turns out, he had died on the couch in the middle of the night. I feel horrible for how I treated him. But, I have not had a chance to even grieve properly because I had to take over care of my mom that day. She is now living with me. She is on repeat 24/7. She keeps saying my dad cheated on her. She has delusions/hallucinations. Then she cries for him. She misses her home and wants to go home. She never stops talking. She also dips snuff and gets it everywhere. I have OCD bad, so it is messing with me. I know I sound cruel right now saying these things. It is just how I am feeling. I love her with all of my heart. But, I don't think I can do this. I have heart issues as well. I am feeling emotionally numb and want to die.
Your mother now needs to live somewhere appropriate to her age and health. Her resources do NOT include unlimited demands on your life. You should help her to find that ‘somewhere’ where her needs can be met. It’s HELP, not ‘putting her’ anywhere. She can no longer organise the choices that need to be made, and that's why you need to help.
Then you STOP being the run to person in time of need for ALL your family members, as they have used and abused you long enough. It's now your turn to take care of you. If you don't, you will be the next one to die from all the stress.
Then you should probably seek some kind of therapy for all you've been through, and to properly be able to grieve the loss of your father.
Not all these steps will be easy, but they will in the long run be worth it. I wish you the very best.
But you do not need to keep carrying every family member.
It takes a different type of strength to stop & carefully put down what is not yours to carry.
You are generous with your time & kindness.
It is not an infinate resource, it can be depleted.
Keeping time & kindness for yourself is not just OK - it is crucial.
What would help you TODAY feel calmer? Can you name three things? Being outside, walking, a warm bath, music, time with pets?
Having someone to ‘blame’ can be easier than having to make the decisions yourself, particularly when you are the one struggling with FOG. Try talking to him about how to bring this to a close. It might help.
I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. You have certainly been through your share of suffering.
You mentioned being ashamed. Please don’t feel any embarrassment or shame. No one has a ‘perfect’ family. Many of us have shared our experiences on this forum. You don’t have to share anything that you are uncomfortable with. Details of your past aren’t as important as planning for your future. Don’t be overly concerned about any past incidents that aren’t relevant to today.
You are fortunate to have a compassionate husband. He obviously loves you very much. You deserve to be happy with him.
Please speak with Council on Aging in your area and a social worker to help you plan for your mom’s future care.
Wishing you peace as you navigate your way through this difficult time in your life. Take care.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-do-i-help-mom-202925.htm
First, sorry about your Dads passing. But please try and not feel guilty. You had a right to be mad. He only had 2 things he needed to do for you and he felt getting back at the neighbors was a priority.
Now time to get a life. Once you see how your parents stand financially you can make plans. Place Mom. Sell the house and use the proceeds to place her in an AL or Nursing facility. When the money starts to run out, apply for Medicaid. (Ck with AL to see if they allow Medicaid at anytime) If she has enough money you can place her in AL and selling the house will help keep her there.
There is only 2 people you are responsible for. You and your husband. Tell your siblings there will no longer any caring on your part. Learn to use the word NO. My daughter is reading a very good book right now called Boundries by Townsend and Cloud. Because you will need to start setting boundries.