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Mom is in a beautiful board and care with wonderful loving people taking care of her. After many years of refusing to go to AL because of dementia she started falling down. We can't be there all the time, and after taking care of my dad and aunt for years, it's taken a great toll on me. I just couldn't do it anymore. My own health (and that of my husband) is not good from all the stress for years . She is now in a beautiful board and care after a fall where I had her taken from the hospital. She is very angry when I come to visit and with everyone who is helping her. She's either crying the whole time or angry. This now is making my life miserable. I feel like I might have a break down at anytime. I try not to because of my children and grandchildren. I feel sick every time I go there, but I do out of guilt. She uses that too on me. Any suggestions? I need some help. Thank you!

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Is mom cared for...check
Is mom safe....check
Have you done anything to make her sad or mad...nope.
Other than moving the hands of time back to when she was young, back before she had dementia is there anything on earth that you can do to make her happy....nope.
You have done all that is humanly possible.
Her happiness is not up to you.
When you go visit if she is upset/mad or crying simply say...mom I will come back when you are up for company. Then leave.
Do not try to make her feel better, do not get yourself upset because she is...
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funkygrandma59 Jan 2023
Well said Grandma1954.
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Vickielee, there's two things I'm going to suggest.

One is to stay away for a few weeks until mom adjusts. Keep in touch with the B&C home; let them know that you are wanted to stay involved with your mom, but that for her sake and yours, your need to let her adjust.

I would also suggest you try to get a geriatric psychiatrist or an Advanced Practice Nurse who specializes,es in behavioral and psychiatrict issues to evaluate your mom. A little bit of medication to relieve her agitation might be what she needs.
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Vickielee Jan 2023
Thank you I have had a Dr. Come to the facility to evaluate her and they are going to give her some medication to help her relax hopefully it will help thanks again for your time
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Basically it is Pavlov's training. When she is crying and unhappy you tell her "So sorry that you are having such a bad day, Mom. I am going to leave because my visit isn't helping you. I will return when you are feeling better and we can visit."
As to guilt, use the other G word. You aren't a felon. What you are experiencing is GRIEF, not guilt. Not everything can be fixed (unless you are God). There are limitations.
You need to limit your visits. They are doing NO ONE any good. I am sorry, but that's the hard facts and they are best faced rather than adding to suffering to no avail.
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Vickielee Jan 2023
Your right my visits are doing no one any good I keep thinking that it will help but I to now know there not I even think she gets worse because she thinks it will work on me but not them thank you for your advice
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Don’t go there. Just stop.
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